Hope

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Saturday

Saturday, in the park, I think it was the 4th of July. Ok, so it was Saturday, but I didn't go to the park, and it was far from July. Saturday was super fun and I will tell you why. It had the perfect mix of me time and people time. I have a real problem with getting enough me time and a real problem with getting too much me time. If I don't have enough I get cranky and whiney (which you all have experienced). When I get too much me time I get crazy . . . I don't mean straight jacket crazy just run of the mill crazy. I, as we have established, am a thinker. As a thinker I think a lot. And as some one who thinks a lot it is not good for me to spend vast amounts of time alone, because I think so much things start to spin wildly out of control to the point of doing things like moving just to move, quitting my job, or packing up my dog and some essentials in the car and traveling the United States and Canada just working to pay for gas to go onto the next town. Crazy.

So, Saturday was a good morning spent with me, reading, working on some stained glass, and just sitting staring off into space. The afternoon was spent with some great kids that put up with me watching basketball (a boring basketball game, I might add - but don't tell anyone I told you that). A little more me time ensued and then off to the City Museum with some friends. Now, I use to want to be Laura Croft the Tomb Raider when I grew up (not Angelina Jolie, but the actual movie character Laura Croft). I realized while trembling with fear at the City Museum that it is not possible. It too all the courage I had to go through a see through tube and not be worried of getting stuck. I always knew I wasn't a huge fan of small spaces, I just didn't know it's extent. I soon realized that if I was going to have any fun there (all there is to do is crawl through tubes big and small) I was going to have to over come this fear. So, after crawling though a large hole, then a smaller, and then a smaller - I came to love it. I also saw the 2 headed snake! The TWO HEADED SNAKE. I think that made me more excited than anything the night. But they kind of hid the snake, and it took me forever to find it. But I did find what I was looking for Bono.

Life

do you ever have one of those days where your life just hits you - it stares right into your eyes and you see clearly what you have been shutting out for so long. sometimes i like just shutting things out because i don't have to deal with them, but that also causes spillage which i talked about 2 weeks ago. but what happens when you really see and don't shut it out? i haven't quite figured out what to do with what i just saw. it isn't necessarily bad or good, just there . . . just reality. for the past few weeks at work i have been saying that dreams don't always meet reality - where i dreamed i would be 5 years ago is not really where i ended up. that isn't bad, its just different, it could even be a better reality (the dream was really a dream world). well this is along the same lines. the reality of life was just really shocking, too much to shut out. i don't really know what to do now that i am not shutting it out. i can't even really pinpoint what it is, it is just different.

ANY WAY. I had a super day yesterday. I will talk more about it later, just not at this moment.

These Are Not The Nuts You Are Looking For

For those of you who don't already know - I am terrified of squirrels. So this site was sent by a friend . . . it made those fears seem a bit more real.

http://www.barbican.org.uk/nuts/

Miss America

Hi. My name is Katie and I watched the 2006 Miss America pageant. Those of you who know me (well, or hardly at all) know that I do not care one iota about the Miss America pageant. How and why I ended up watching it is not that interesting - what is interesting is I kind of got into it toward the end. First - Miss Oklahoma was in the top 10, top 5, top 3. Second - I was pulling for Miss Arkansas because she actually had some meat on her bones and didn't look like a skeleton with boobs (she didn't make it out of the top 10). Third I pulled for Miss Georgia - she was the best (not best looking, but the best all around person - or persona that she was showing). In the end the winner was Miss Oklahoma. Not my first choice, or second, or third, but from my state none the less.

What did I learn from it all. America is a very superficial place and I can be superficial. But looking back on it I saw that no matter what they looked like they at least help people. All are involved in charity work - doing things for others. It may be done selfishly, it may be done unselfishly, but it still gets done. Sometimes it is easy to forget that life and your value isn't placed on looks. Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second you see beautiful people all over the television, magazines, and billboards. It is easy to get lost in that, thinking that I am not skinny enough, my face is weird, my hair is too straight, or my clothes just aren't right. I don't look at people's outside appearance and judge them - but I do my own. Does that make sense?

Recap

My week was . . . Interesting. I am sure you could gather that from my posts since Sunday. It started off terribly. I can't really explain it I just snapped really and couldn't really put everythinging back into it's place (because everything in my life has a place where no one else can see it or get to it). But there was hope. Tuesday I decided it was time to let out some anger. And I unleashed it on the only thing that I knew was safe to unleash it on . . . a fax machine. Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I have a picture of the machine and me after the breakage - have you ever seen anyone so happy? And yes, that is ink on my face - it is so AWESOME! I used a Louisville Slugger to smack the thunder out of the thing. There is also tape, but I can't put that on here - you might get frightened. Surprisingly enough the rest of the week was an upswing after all of that and I can honestly say it ended up being a great week (except for falling off the no soda wagon).



I am really enjoying my new stained glass class. It gives me a chance to be detailed, use my hands, and get out some aggression by breaking glass. Something I did't show you from last week - my networking abilities. Again video was taken, but not shown . . . but photos are encouraged here. I guess that is all I have to say for now. I don't feel too interesting right now, so I will go. More later.

Light Bulb

Sometimes thoughts hit me like a light bulb turning on. I stumble around in the dark for a few days and then one day someone says something and it all becomes clear. At least the feeling inside that had no word has a word, but what to do with that I don't know. So todays magic word is DISCUSTED. I have spent the last few weeks discusted with myself over something that I can't stop. So now I know why it has been bothering me - I was (say it with me now) DISCUSTED. That is all. Well there is more, but Auto CAD is calling, so I will listen to it - but I have some great pictures from the week that I need to put here and explain.

I Want

I just want to get in bed and go to sleep, wake up and have it be Monday again so I can start it over. So I won't spill my life all over the office and my house and have no clue how to put it back together. So I won't be so confused and messed up that I can't work or carry on a coherent conversation. So I can say that I did this day right. How could so many good weeks culminate into this?

*&$@

Sometimes I just want to say Fuck You to myself. Do you ever feel that way?

Sorry for you that don't want to see that word, and to those of you who thought I gave it up.

God Is Funny

I know God has a sense of humor. You know how I know? I know because I have one, and you have one, everyone has one. Some people show it weekly, daily, hourly, more than that. Some people only use it about once a year or once every few years, but everyone has one. It says we were created in his image, so I know that God has a sense of humor. Sometimes he makes me laugh. Before you fit me for the straight jacket, he didn't tell me a joke, he just made me laugh. He made me laugh in some of the things he made, in some of the people he brought into my life, in some of the experiences I have, and even in some of the ways he works in my life. If I get rejected by someone, it hurts; but sometimes when I get rejected by God (and I don't mean that he doesn't accept me, I mean like he tells me no) it makes me laugh. Like, if I want to do something and it is clearly not something I should be doing a door can get closed. It is not an out and out rejection by God that I am not good enough, but that I am better. And it makes me laugh. Makes me laugh that I thought I could get away with it, makes me laugh that I thought it would be neat or fun. Overall it makes me laugh because God knows that it would be harmful and I chose to do it anyway - but in the end he won't let me.

I am not explaining myself well. Some of you think I get my jollies out of getting doors slammed in my face. Some of you kind of get what I am talking about, but you don't really see how God could work in a person's life every day. Some of you don't get it at all, and some of you might see it perfectly. Either way, this entry wasn't a good one if only because I can't explain it.

Tom Arnold

I am reading a book right now called "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. In one of the chapters he talks about an interview he saw with Tom Arnold where he talked about his book - "How I Lost Five Pounds in Six Years." So with me so far? Donald talking about Tom who was talking about his book? I say this only because I didn't see the interview so I can't say I did. . . but I digress. The interviewer asked Tom why he had written the book. Arnold said - most entertainers are in show business because they are broken people, looking for affirmation. "The reason I wrote this book is because I wanted something out there so people would tell me they liked me. It's the reason behind almost everything I do." Miller had to agree saying, "I had to concede my motives of faith often take a backseat to my broken nature and desire to feel validity in life . . . I like to write, but basically, subconsciously, I just want people to like me." I was asked why I did this blog thing? Why so public, why not just write in a journal or something? And I have to say those two men speak exactly how I feel. I don't know that after I write I have to have someone say that it was profound, or that it was clever, or that it was even good . . . but I do live off the comments and feedback. It helps me analyze (something that has been established that I too far too much). That is all I have to say about that.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time at Borders. I love Borders, or really any bookstore that has bargain books. I can spend hours looking at them, trying to work out the best deal on books that are already a deal. If you take me to a used bookstore, you might never get me out. I have to go with people that will pull me out after awhile, because I will get lost. So I spent a lot of time at Borders looking, reading, putting things back, picking them back up. I walked out with 4 books totaling maybe $20. One of them was the best treasure that I could ever hope to find. The one thing I like more than books - movies, and the book I found was a book on movies. It is called "Now Showing" It is 25 of the most unforgettable moments in movies. It is a book talking about the movies, movie trivia, movie facts, and a DVD showing the clip and talking about all the behind the scenes "stuff." I about wet my pants in the store. It would have been embarrassing, but understandable. I also got a book of speeches that changed the world. I think I will be writing more about that as time goes on and I read some of the speeches. Speeches by greats like Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, JFK, Mother Teresa, and of course George W. After that it was off to Kirkwood to learn about Bob Dylan. I don't know much about him, I just wanted something different to do - so I did. I think I might like his music, I haven't heard much of it, but what I heard last night might have made me a fan.

I started a new class on Thursday - a stained glass class. I love it. I can say that because I really love it. Sometimes I do things and after I do them I wonder how I really lived without doing that or knowing how to do it - that is how I felt. I spent over an hour today picking out my glass. It took forever, because I have ideas in my head, but I don't know if they make all those colors and look for them specifically. I guess it is from a job where I color for a living, I have colors in my head that can be made on paper but not on glass. But I think I have it down now. But, the problem is when it is done I am going to wish it was a different color. Maybe I will just make it again and again until I get it right. Or I could just let it go . . . but I don't know if that is possible for me.

I guess that is all I know. Today was more of a diary entry, meaning I just regurgitated my day, but it was more than that - you got to know me a little better. Now you know to leave comments because they are what ultimately drives me. As for me right now I am suffering through Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. The only Kevin Cosner movie for me is Tin Cup . . . but I will leave that for another entry.

Routers and Wireless Cards (Part II)

Maybe I am not so smart when it comes to wireless cards and routers. Off and on really.

Routers and Wireless Cards

I am writing my first post from my very own computer. It isn't that the computer is new - it is quite old. It is more like I have never had it hooked up to the internet since moving 8 months ago. I have been relying on my roommates computer and kindness. Well I have decided to hook up - nothing bad about my roommates computer or kindness, just a move in the direction of technology. So with router and wireless card in hand I embarked on this journey of computer set up. Was it easy? No. Was it fun? Yes. Did I have help? Absolutely. So, I don't know how it all worked out - I am sure it was from the free tech support that I harvest from work. More later, I have some good thoughts brewing in my head right now. I just don't know where to start with them. Maybe tomorrow while I have some time off.

Avoidance

I have been avoiding his calls for almost a week now. I guess I figure if I don't talk to him then I don't have to end it. I guess now the thing driving me is the idea of a relationship and that is just wrong. The biggest problem is I know he will fight me on it and make me feel like crap for doing it and I don't know if I can face that right now - even though I know it is the right thing to do.

Working Title

I don't really have a title for this page today. I have run out of creativity when it comes to that.

So yippie for the free art museum on Fridays. I have never been to the art museum here so I can say the first time has been the best. I loved it. Maybe with Fridays off I can go every Friday and see something different. I felt like I was running through it, but I was with people I have never hung out with before - so I wasn't really sure what to do. They had all been there before many times so they pointed out their highlights. But I do have a question . . . when did a wire bent in the shape of an octagon become art? Or a fluorescent blue light? Or a piece of metal laying on the ground? Man I missed my calling if that is all it takes for art. I CAN see how it could be considered art because you have to think about it and the meaning . . . so ok, I get it. The photography area was shut down, so that made me sad. I like to look at people who do it right, so I can see how to be better (if I ever pick up a camera again for more than work purposes). Ben and I had a discussion about the African masks - so are the sad and angry ones for night ceremonies, and the smiling ones for Saturday morning ceremonies? Like television. Maybe you had to be there. And how about those 3 caged spheres as you walk in the door - kids are going to see that, come on!

Yippie for Mexican food, so much that I can't eat in one sitting, and have to take home a box for consumption later. And how about pens that click nicely and have smooth writing abilities? Awesome. All in all I had a great time. It has been awhile since I have been out with new people and that in and of itself is so scary that it is fun. As for today . . . Stapling fabric onto partitions and hanging window plastic, and if I get really adventurous I will clean my room and it's surroundings. And now, some quality time with Addie.

All Smiles

I think I was really happy in this picture - don't you? This is for those who say I haven't really smiled in the last 6 months. But I am still mad at being a friend with benefits and no knowing it.

Beneficial Friends

I refuse to be a friend with benefits.

New Year - a reflection of the past

An Email I sent out today about my year - most of you have recieved it, so you are getting it all again!

Dear Friends:

It is a new year and I feel compelled to write to all of you. This is kind of like a Christmas letter, but I don’t do Christmas letters – you all know me well enough to know I don’t do things conventionally.

The past year held quite a few changes and growing opportunities. I am still working with Poynter Landscape (www.poynterlandscape.com). It was a challenging year – it was my first spring with the company, and my first look at what I was capable of. I say see what I am capable of because many times over the last 2 years I have sold myself short, thinking I could never do “this or that”. Due to the extended absence of my immediate boss I was able to do those things I never thought I could do. Experiencing his job first hand helped re-light the fire that has been dying for about a year – seeing all the possibilities that lay before me there and the benefit I can be to them and that they can be for me.

Outside of work I have been involved with a group trying to get a youth center open here in St. Louis. Something I have been dreaming about for around 3 years – a place for skate boarders and BMX bikers, a place for kids who are looked upon as a lost cause because of how they dress or how they chose to spend their free time. There is currently a center like that in Joplin (www.thebridgejoplin.com) and I am working with a group here joining Joplin (www.thebridgestlouis.com). The group is wonderful and we get together, not only to work toward our common goal, but to spend time growing together as a group.

Other than that sort of thing I don’t really know what to report. I am sure you don’t want to read a really long letter about nothing (even if there was once a great show about nothing). I still have Addie. She has settled well into the house and loves going to the dog park – when I take the time to drive out there. I spent the year reading way too many books, watching way too many movies – but that is normal. So onto the top 5 . . .

Top 5 Things (Or Thoughts) That Happened In 2005:
1. Realizing that maybe squirrels could band together and take over the world, causing a rising panic within me when I see one (or watch the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).
2. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise – come on she is my age and has my name, that is just wrong.
3. Having 3 flat tires in one year – I think it might be the 8th sign of the Apocalypse
4. Realizing I can do things that I never thought possible – so give some things a chance
5. Snow – and that I can drive in it because in Missouri they have more than one plow per town.

The Last Day Of 2005

Addie, the Decemberists, and I - a great 4 hours.