Now I Understand!

Cutter (old post)

I have heard about recurring dreams, but I don't have them. I have had recurring themes, or places in my dreams, I have also had one dream that I have remembered for 25 years. I may have told you this before - but I had a very strange dream when I was very young. I was probably 4 or 5. Picture the scenery like you would see in a Tim Burton movie - because that is how I saw it (before I even knew who Tim Burton was). In this dream I went with my mom to a very tall building. I couldn't even count the stories, but the base of the building wasn't that big. The whole first floor of the building was a waiting room. We both went in and sat down and waited patiently. I wasn't sure what we were waiting for, I was just there. A nurse came out and called my mom's name. She told me to just wait. A few minutes later this huge, fat, ugly woman came into the waiting room with about 19 kids of various ages, and stages of dirty. She went to the receptionist's window and spoke with her a bit. The receptionist pointed at me and the large untidy woman with 18 too many kids came over.

"You are coming with me." She said in the gruff voice of someone who smoked way too much.
"No, I'm here with my mom. I'm waiting for her." I tried to say with boldness, but it came out more like a squeak.
"She isn't coming out. It has been arranged that you are to come with me." She said with a snarl.
"She told me to wait." I said with tears in my eyes.
"She told you to wait - she should have said you were waiting for me. She is never coming out of where they have taken her. You are part of my family now" She said with a chuckle.

There was obviously a joke I wasn't understanding. I sat there a minute and debated the situation in my head. There was no way my mom wanted me to go with this crazy, smelly woman with 19 kids that all looked like they had been eating dirt before coming here. That wasn't it. And why were we here anyway.

I weighed my options carefully and took off for the door my mother had disappeared behind. It closed just before my "future family" could stop me. I opened every door I came to until I found her. I ran hallway after hallway, stairs after stairs. I finally opened a door to see her lying on a table . . . only she wasn't all there. And by "all there" I don't mean mentally, I mean physically. Her legs were gone, and part of her torso.

"Mom, what is going on?" I screamed, but she didn't hear me. She didn't even stir.
"We are cutting her up into little pieces." said a voice from behind me.
I turned to see a doctor standing there with his knife.
"It is a little experiment we are working on. Now be a good girl and go back down stairs and leave with your new family." He said matter-of-factly. Just like it is EVERY DAY that he cuts people in little pieces just to see what happens.

I ran up to where my mom's head was and whispered in her ear, "Mom, wake up. You have to stop all of this. Make them sew you back together and we can go home."

She opened her eyes and smiled at me and replied, "That woman down there will be a good mother." Then she closed her eyes again.

The woman I was to go home with grabbed me from behind and started pulling me away. I started screaming hysterically - then I woke up.

*****

Now mind you this dream took place back around the time my parents were getting divorced. In my mind she was my security, she was the only person I knew that would take care of me. Not that my dad was a terrible person - actually quite the opposite. But he just wasn't there. And I was afraid of that same thing happening with her. That one day she just wouldn't be there, without any really good reason why.

Fast forward to the time when I was going to write this post back in May. My mom was having a surgery. When you are there with someone having surgery there is that point where you are with them and then you are asked to leave, and then in a few minutes you can come back. That image in my dream sticks with me when she goes in for stuff like that. That image was there 5 years ago when she had cancer, and that image was there when I walked back in to see her before her last. It is in those moments that I wish that I never remembered my dreams, because I think the memory makes the whole situation much harder than it has to be.

What A Feeling

Mandalorian Dance @ Yahoo! Video

Olympic Feat

For as much flack that has been thrown around China hosting the Olympics, I am glad to see that the Opening Ceremony turned out so cool. These pictures seemed to capture it well.

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/08/2008_olympics_opening_ceremony.html

Running

I just got back from running - check the time. And it was HOT with a capital HO. More on that in another post (maybe once the running has actually made positive difference in my weight and I have something to show for it).

Anyway, checking on some blogs that I frequent and I saw this video: http://pauldateh.com/2008/08/03/45/

What makes this interesting is a few things.
1. I had just been listening to Beatles on my iTunes
2. Eleanor Rigby is my favorite Beatles song
3. How the HE . . . ck did he not know the words to the song?
4. He is a great performer. If you get a chance to listen to more of his stuff you should. I love his instrumental works the best.
Check him out on his web page: http://pauldateh.com/
On this video I posted: http://whereismycouch.blogspot.com/2008/01/paul-dateh.html

Trip

This is really the whole reason for my trip two weeks ago. Can't figure out who is who? Left to Right back row: Dad, Dana (sister), Brian (brother in law), David (brother), me. Front row: Keegan and Michael (sons of Dana and Brian), Josh (son of David), Morgan (daughter of Dana and Brian).

We had a great time - I still need to post some pictures of my own from the trip, but I am always slow at unloading my camera. Not really sure why my brother is giving Josh rabbit ears.

Death and Kickball (One of those never written posts)

There is this video called Kickball. I have seen it a few times at one ponding event or another and I find the same thought goes through my head every time - I really want that kickball (or whatever the kickball represents). For those of you who have not seen Kickball let me explain a little bit about it. It is a movie put out by Nooma and they are lessons written and given by Rob Bell (Are you able to catch up with all the links I am throwing at you? Just wait, it gets better!) Kickball in particular deals with the idea that God may take things away from you, or say no to something - but that there is something else better coming for you. Something you can't see. He uses the illustration of his son in the mall looking at a huge wall of toys (all of which would break after one use). Rob knew that when they left the mall they were going across the street to the sports store to buy a kickball. His son, however, did not know and all that he could think about was this one small toy in the mall. He wanted one so badly, not knowing that in just a few minutes he would have a much better toy. He equated that with our life, and the things that we want in life. Those things are not necessarily bad things, and it isn't wrong to want them - but maybe God knows something that you don't, maybe he has something better planned for your life.

Anyway at the last ponding event that I saw this (not my regular ponding a different pond) the room was pretty split on the discussion about it. But one person in particular stuck out. He just said it was hard to imagine that once God took something away from him that was so valuable, that there would be something better out there for him. He was sad about what was taken away from him, but he had hope in what may lie ahead. Two weeks before his fiance died of a terrible illness. He had spent the last year visiting her at the hospital 3 or more hours away. He would go to his classes, then work, then drive down and see her. Some nights he had to sleep in his car because they would not let him stay overnight at the hospital and he was too tired to drive home. One morning he came home at 5:30 in the morning and he couldn't remember if it was AM or PM, what day it was, even if he was getting into his car to leave or if he was getting out of his car because he just got home. He had hope that there was something better out there for him - as painful as that may seem at the time. I don't talk a lot in big ponding situations. I usually feel like most people have a good grasp on what is going on when others explain things the way they see it, so I don't really speak up - but they asked me to say something. I'm not really sure how to follow that up. What I lost was not a loved one, it was a job. And really not so much the job but what the job represented. The job said that I was capable of something, that I could survive on my own, that I was settled into a rhythm. Has the last 10 months been hard - you betcha. Have they given me a new outlook on life - yarp. Has it been better - sometimes. But when I find my way out of this puzzling maze I will have my kickball.

Stroll

I was strolling around my old posts today and I came across 4 old posts that I just titled and didn't write. It was funny, because at the time they seemed so important to write about - and I just didn't have the time or the mental energy at that moment (3 at the end of May around my mom's surgery, 1 in April after watching a really mind bending movie) to write them. When I found them it took me a minute to remember what 2 of them were about . I just kept staring at the titles trying to drudge up every experience I had and wondering what the heck I was talking about. Anyway - I think I have some time now to work on them so be looking for them over the next few days. Exciting stuff over here wouldn't you say? I'll bet you are super excited (all 2 of you who read here).

Later,
Morgan

This Moment

This moment right now is the perfect moment to sit back on the couch and pop in a good old movie. Like Harvey, or What About Bob, or Clue, or Hoodwinked, or Drop Dead Gorgeous - any of those that I can watch and know and fall asleep and not really miss anything. It is moments like these that are the teachable moments. The moments that say - you can read a book, take a nap, write someone you haven't spoken to in a long time, plan out your week, or just be in silence.

For those of you who missed flood work today - you missed out on a great time. Let me know if you are interested in going again - I am planning on a few more days out there myself. Nothing like tearing down a sand bag wall (or in my case making 60 sandwiches).

Accident

I came to my blog just now by accident so I decided to write. Many of you, including me, thought that this whole "no tv" thing would mean that this blog would become a blog 365 - well that didn't happen. I think you are just going to have to come to terms with that because I am not a blog 365 kind of girl - no matter what the writing on the bathroom wall said.

I had a realization today. It has been something that has been slowly creeping up on me for about a year now. I think in the midst of this crazy job situation, and life situation, and the fact that I am finally coming to terms with leaving my last job and all the baggage that went a long with that, and seeing all my family last weekend, and watching my mom the last few months that this is all finally coming to the surface. And the realization is this - I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of me. I don't completely know what that entails because I have just had this realization while I was driving home today from some house tours I am did for work today (pictures of one to follow), so I don't completely know how to explain it to you . . . or really to myself. I have always know of a war going on inside myself. A war that has been fought since about 1983 at least (do the math on that one), with battles being won on both sides - some battles won with with major fatalities, and some with a simple handshake and a step aside. And I think that has something to do with this newly realized fear of me. I may work this out here, from time to time, I may not. I think I need a few days manual labor and it will become clearer to me - flood work here I come.

What Day Is It?

A few years ago (OK about 5) I worked at a great camp in Arizona. The first week we spent getting to know one another before all the kids arrived. I didn't know a soul up there, and my time zones were all screwed up. Come to find out that was the case for more than me. At breakfast, after a few intense days one of the guys stumbled into the breakfast area and asked, "What day is it?" I'm not sure if he was just trying to be funny, or he really didn't know what day it was - knowing him as I do I would say a bit of both.

That is how I feel today. Last week was full, more full than it has been in a long time. None of my nights went as planned and my weekend was thrust upon me. The weekend was a blur of driving and family. Yesterday was a marathon day lasting about 12 hours. All leaving me to wonder when my alarm went off, "What day is it?"

My life is not hard, it is not stressful. My job is boring, and it is rare that I work any over time. My evening activities are few, and my weekends are even more open. Why am I unhappy in this?

Most days I just want to sell everything I own - use that money to pay of my meager school loan and my car, pack up my dog and drive away. I don't know where I would go, or what I would do. I guess when I ran out of gas I would stop and get a job there until I got enough money to put more gas in the car and drive some more. Life is really interesting when you don't have any ambition. I use to have goals and ambitions, now I'm not so sure.

Resurrect Me - Jon Foreman

I think I have been listening to this song way more than I should. I can't help it - the driving beat and the sound of the guitar make it irresistible. And the lyrics just top it off. Go listen to it if you can find it.

Resurrect Me - Jon Foreman

It takes a long time to kill a man
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
To go off, and get him some peace

I want to die a lot quicker then that
If that’s my only way out
I’ve been counting up the coast
Getting up on that cross
I want to know what this is all about

Father Time steals our days like a thief
There’s no price that I wouldn’t pay to get some relief
I’ve become the empty shell
Of a man I liked so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me

I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn’t seem to help
She’s got a pretty face with her wedding lace
But I’m still waking up with myself

I know what it means to choke it down
Down until your legs get weak
I know what it’s like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street

Father Time steals our days like a thief
There's no price that I haven't paid to get some relief
I've become the shell of a man
I am beginning to understand
I've forgotten who I am
Come on and resurrect me

Resurrect me
Come on and resurrect me

While I Was Out

While I was out these comics were published and I wasn't around to see them. But they are great and must be shared:

Hiatus Update

Some of you have been asking me how it is gong with the whole absence of TV and movies thing, and I have to be honest - it has been really hard and really easy at the same time. Most nights lately I have been really busy. The first real test was last weekend, and I ended up with a full weekend without trying. This last week was just as full, and this weekend was kind of thrown on me at the last minute.

I need to pause (the French word for stop) for a moment and clear something up. This weekend trip is totally unexpected and unplanned. At this point I'm not even all the way to my destination and I am still in the dark as to how and when I am actually going to make it there and how and when I will actually make it home. That in, and of itself makes me a bit crazy - but I couldn't be more happy about the trip and the chance to see all my family in one place for at least 24 hours. It is rare for families to get together, it is even more rare for a family like mine to even desire to be in the same room - yet we do, and we will, and it will be great. I feel like I am leaving the impression in emails, Facebook, and this blog that I am upset about the trip - and I am not.

So the issues I thought I would face with this whole hiatus haven't been what I thought. There have been moments when I want to flip the TV on to see Scrubs while I eat, or watch Jim Gaffigan for the 19th time, or whatever. But for the most part I haven't really been effected. Movies are a separate issue, especially with Batman coming out today. All the buzz was bad enough, but now the real reviews are coming out. For some reason I tend to torture myself with movie trailers. I don't know why I do it. I see a link for a new movie and I watch it - like the movie called Take. It looks incredible and it comes out tonight . . . picture a movie like Crash (from what I can tell from the trailer). I can't figure it out, almost like I can see a piece of it just so I know what is going on.

The thought was when I started was what was I going to do with all the Internet access to movie clips, trailers, and even online TV shows and movies. And that is an answer I am still dealing with. YouTube has never been a problem for me. A clip or two and I am good. And that is still the case - but I love Chocolate Rain, and I can barely get enough! But trailers have become a huge problem. I have watched about 6 for Batman alone. Doesn't that really defeat the purpose? Where is the line?

Russian

I don't like to rush. And that is why today wasn't the best. I spent it trying to get ready to leave on an impromptu trip that I didn't know about until 9:00 this morning. I'm all about a little surprise here or there, or a random trip thrown into the mix - but not one where I have to drive 8 hours by myself to be random and spontaneous. If you are going to do a random and spontaneous trip you had better be planning to be in the car with me to keep me awake.

PI

No, not Magnum.

Poison Ivy makes me feel dirty. Dirty as in, have dirt on me, look soiled.

I had it

I had something to say earlier, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Oh well, the headache, vet visit, pending home inspection, and probably poison ivy must have eaten it.

Movie Monday

The first Movie Monday since the hiatus - so far no movie, so it has been fun. It is about time to set up the puzzle and get out the guitar. I actually had my first lesson this weekend, and this looks like a breeze (not really).

So yesterday I had the duty of killing a rabbit that my dog caught. It wasn't going to live and I didn't want it to suffer. I cried from the time I had to finish it off, through the burial, and into the rest of my outside chores. I'm such a baby.

This is how I feel about my own blog

Muny

I have never gone to the Muny and thought, "I wish I had on a pair of jeans." Well tonight was that night. I had a sweatshirt, but that was not enough.

Dream Weaver

I had a dream about a movie. That is right, I dream about movies now. Not just any movie, a movie I was able to watch being filmed. It was weird. I think it would make a great movie - no not me dreaming about a movie being made - but the movie I was watching.

I don't have all the details, because most of the time I wake up, say what the heck was that, and go on about my day. My dreams are very vivid, sometimes pieces come true, and are so strange that I try hard to remember all the circumstances but I can not. People have told me to start writing down my dreams in the morning because then I will start remembering them. Another book I think I'm going to read says write 3 pages a day before you get your day started, just free write and get all the mental clutter out. Maybe they are both right. I'm getting off target.

MY DREAM:

The main character is a man who is a Richard the 3rd type guy - only he is not ugly and misshapen so his the giant chip on his shoulder doesn't come from that. He is a dictator of sorts, but not directly in charge of a country. In my dream he was played by Robert Downey Jr. Maybe because Robert Downey Jr. was in the 90's version of Richard the 3rd, maybe because I saw a news article about him yesterday, maybe because I just dream of Robert Downey Jr. - who knows. Anyway, he doesn't have a name - but to avoid confusion we will call him by his last name. Why would there be confusion you ask - I'll tell you why.

The other main character is a man who is the character opposite of the first guy. He is not played by Robert Downey Jr. but by someone else that I couldn't quite see. Ready for the confusion - He is RDJ's character in a parallel universe. Same name - so well will call him by his first name.

So there was an event in "last name's" life that made him this crazy Richard the 3rd type and this event did not happen in "first name's" life. An organization brought "first name" from his parallel universe to defeat "last name".

It sounds stupid, because it is. But don't most books and movies start off pretty stupid? Don't most books and movies end up still being stupid after it is all said and done?

Pantry Car

I don't know what it is about this blogging site, but it doesn't do the spacing quite right. For instance, the last post lacks all but 3 of the correct spacing between the paragraphs. I put them in, increased them even, but they don't show up. I guess you will have to forgive me if that bothers you.

I don't really have much to report today. I had a pretty full day, and my car is pretty full of food. For some reason I bought some groceries (no refrigerator needed ones) and they are just sitting in my car. When I get out to go to work, I just grab what I want, put it in my little lunch bag and away I go. So now I have a pantry car.

Reasons

Reasons - wasn't that the name of a Fleetwood Mac Album? No, Rumors . . . whatever. Great album, great BAND!!! Moving on to reasons.

I am having a bit of trouble concentrating when Blondie is playing in the background and my mind is all over the place after that piece of birthday cake I just ate. Yes, sugar high and CALL ME being screeched in the background is enough to even turn a Buddhist a little edgy. Couple that with the detox I am currently going through with my non TV or movie viewing and you have full blown ADD that won't quit.

Addictions are a terrible thing. Ask any reformed drug addict, alcoholic, over eater, even people pleaser, and they will tell you that living your life for your next hit, fix, piece of cake, or approving nod is enough to make a person crazy. Sometimes you don't know when you are in the middle of it that there is anything even really wrong at all - it all seems so normal. Before you reformed people I just mentioned come after me saying that I don't know what I'm talking about I have to say this. I have never been addicted to drugs, but I have felt the pull of alcohol my fair share of times and I have also watched my grandfather fight it every day of my life. I have eaten my way through cartons of ice cream, cake, and bagel chips only to wipe my mouth and ask "Where did you hide the string cheese?" I have spent my entire life looking for the approval of others to the point where I didn't, and sometimes still don't, know who I really am or who I would have been if I allowed myself to grow.

Television and movies are not any of those things I listed above. They are not dangerous to your system, and heaven only knows that I "love me some movies!" I love me some movies so much that I will watch them over and over and over again. I love them so much that there are probably 10 movies I could quote from start to finish . . . and that is probably underestimating. I don't think there is anything wrong with movies or with the entertainment industry. This is not some boycott because I want to make a point about Hollywood and that "trash they put on the screen." This is not a religious jaunt I am taking because I think that movies are "from the devil." The simple reason is, I'm just doing it.

I'm doing it because I have watched so many movies and seen so much stuff that things have kind of lost their edge. I think that is the case with many people - or why would Iron Man, or The Dark Knight have to be "more action packed" than anything you have ever seen before. Movies have more blowing up, more sex, more language, more action, more everything - just so it will be edgier and more people will go see it and more people will talk about it. I love a lot of things blowing up, I love action, I love all the language, I love every movie that has a twist that you never saw coming, I love it all (especially the sex) - but in that love of it all I just find that I have grown bored with it. Like it is all TOO BIG and I need to step back and get back to some basics in my own life.

I'm doing it because I don't know where to draw the line anymore. Was the line after Kiddo killed 250 ninjas in that fight scene or where she killed 300? Was the line when I saw a comedy about cannibalism and laughed hysterically when they delivered this line: "It's really hard for me to make friends."? Was the line when I sat and watched 6 movies in a row? I'm not saying that I was wrong to watch those movies, or that you are wrong for watching those movies, but what am I really putting into my brain? It has become something that I have a need for. Something shocking, something ironic, something to puzzle over, something to talk about. It has become more than a casual love of movies. Some of you will argue the history of movies as a reason for why others were made. Don't pull that card with me. I have written papers on movies, movie history, movie genres, movie irony, movie copiers, and movie geniuses. 15 pages on Moulin Rouge alone, don't think I couldn't do that for any other movie.

I'm doing it because I can't go a day without watching little people perform for me on a screen. I can't eat dinner without having the TV on. I can't let the latest and greatest movie come out without having a heart attack when I can't see it on opening weekend. I can't sleep until I have watched the DVR of that nights Heroes (or whatever show I HAVE TO WATCH THIS WEEK OR I WILL DIE) I missed because I was gone. I have even gone to the extent of watching a TV show at work because I had missed it the night before and I heard it was a "must see". What the heck, watched it at WORK?

I'm doing it because I'm not really all that excited about anything anymore. I hate my life because my problems don't work themselves out after 30 minutes to an hour, and I can't leave my life in cliff hanger mode for a week to pick up the problem 7 days later. Simple things like swinging, going for a drive (even if it costs $100), going for a walk, or playing with my dog are not ACTION packed.

I'm doing it because I'm starting to relate to people I see in the movies, and talking about them like they are my friends, or that life would be so fun to be them. Yeah it would be fun if I wanted someone directing my every word and action. "And cut! OK, let's try that one again, but this time you don't care where I was and you are happy to see me. And lets do this take topless." (Obscure comedian reference there, leave it if you don't know)

I'm doing it because there are things that I want to do and things I want to learn to do, but I never have the time. Oh I have the time, I just spend it sitting on my butt. The guitar looks fun.

I'm doing this because last month I went camping. Once there I was cut off from cell phone service, no one was listening to music, and the whole place was just quiet. People were talking to one another. People were making up stories around the campfire. People were just enjoying being. Just being. Holy CRAP that was nice, just being. No distractions, just being. Have I said it was nice to just be? A couple of weeks later I went out to watch a Boy Scout tradition that I had never seen before. As I looked around I realized that there is beauty and joy in just being out in the woods. In being part of something bigger than yourself. I mean I knew that already. I have spent my fair share of time in the woods. But being there again reminded me of it. Reminded me how great it was to be apart of something like that. Reminded me how great it was to just live and not be distracted.

I don't think any one of those reasons is a reason to give up watching. I don't think any one of those reasons is right or wrong. I don't think you are wrong for watching for any one of those reasons. I don't think I am wrong for watching for any one of those reasons. But I have come to a point where all of those reasons put together are enough to make me stop and reflect and see that maybe I need to get some of my priorities straightened out. The last year has been extremely hard for me. I spent a lot of time covering that up by zoning out and watching other situations so that I didn't have to think about my own. Well more changes and crap are coming my way, and I don't want to distract from it - I want to face it. Face it in the best mind set I can, in a clear mindset.

I don't think that this is going to be easy. I'm only one week into it and I am itching to watch just 15 minutes of ANYTHING!!! There are a lot of movies I have been looking forward to for a long time, and they are still slated to come out in 2008 and the beginning of 2009. I guess I will just wait a little longer. There are the Olympics starting soon, the presidential debates (yes I am that much of a nerd), and other movies that I don't even know about yet that I'm sure I will want to see. I don't know what made me decide a year time frame, maybe because I could hold my breath for a month so that didn't seem like a big deal - but a year. A year is commitment, I hate commitment.

Well The Best Of Blondie is over, and the good old iTunes has moved onto another album so maybe it is time to wrap this up. You may agree, you may disagree - I welcome all comments. There are obviously those who think I can't do it (me included), but I know some of you think I can. I gave my reasons not out of a need to be "right" but more as a way to answer the masses that have said, WHAT! WHY?

It's a start

I have been meaning to get to the whole "why the hell are you not watching TV or movies for a year?" question that has been thrown my way about 1019 times. I know that many times I exaggerate a number because that is part of the drama that is Mary Kathryn Morgan - but I don't think that I am exaggerating that number.

ANYWAY - I read this blog today and thought it seemed like it correlated a bit with the question on every one's mind about me and my TV and movie habit. So with that I give you the link: http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/249. And with that I put off for another day what you have been begging me to give you - an answer.

Grown Up

I am a grown up . . . an adult . . . I don't feel like one. I know I will never really get life figured out. By the time a person does really understand I think they are closing their eyes for the last time.

Anyway, pieces of my past keep creeping up:

Who knows what I am suppose to do next.

I Just Want You To Have Your Hands On Me

This pretty much sums up the weekend. I am TIRED. She is actually not yawning, she is crying because I won't pay proper attention to her. I got a new camera and so I don't think she knows yet that it is a camera. She is use to the old one, so when it comes out she hides her face. This time she just cried because I wasn't touching her, because that is all she needs in life ME TOUCHING HER ALL DAY LONG!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Anyway, don't have many pictures from the weekend that need to be shared. Mostly some before pictures of the yard work and water garden fixing I did. No afters, because I forgot.

Nil

No pictures for today. Spent the day cleaning out my mom's water garden, re potting a water lily, and cleaning out her flower beds. It is about time I do something like that for her, I have done it for everyone else now. I do have pictures (with the new camera) but they are still on the camera. I can't (well I could) take them off here, there would be no point of having them here and at my house - so you will just have to wait for the all important pictures. Deal.

Poland

This is one of my favorite pictures my mom has brought back from her trips to Poland. She doesn't go there for vacation, or to catch up on her WWII history, she goes to help people - just like this boy - gain some independence from disabilities. The great thing about this picture is the story behind it. They took the time to fit the chair for him, get him use to the char, show him how to use it so that he could get around on his own. After all that was said and done they were saying their goodbyes. He started to get sad, because he was going to have to give the chair back. He didn't understand that was for him to use all the time. When they told him he was going home with it she captured the look on his face as he said, "I get to keep it?!"

My mom, like me, lives a very even life. Few things make her really excited, and few things make her really depressed. We just live on an even line. Poland makes her deviate from the line. I have lived the past few years slowly coming to the realization that I will probably watch as she moves across the world to live there. She disputes it, but it wouldn't surprise me. She has gone every summer for I don't know how many summers. She decided not to go this year and instead stay home and have a surgery. A few days ago the team that went this year came home to report that this summer may have been the last time they are going to go in the summer, maybe go at all. If they go in September, like reported, it will be with a skeleton crew and she can't go in September, that is when she is teaching. The system they work in helps the Polish people to eventually be able to do for themselves what they send her over to do. In the end they worked themselves out of a job over there. Good for the Polish people who now have the skills and equipment to help themselves, bad for those who have a heart for those people.

Going to Poland puts her way over the line, finding out that she may never get to go back to do what she loves to do (making people light up like this boy) puts her way under the line. I'm hoping the reports aren't true, but you never can tell. I keep telling her she can go there and do something else, or work with the Polish people to continue on with the work that they are doing for themselves now . . . my hope is that she does just that.

Cake has the ability to bring people together

Logged on this morning to find another vote. Now I'm up to 7. Does that mean 7 people actually read my blog (because I thought the number was way lower), or does that mean that some people voted more than once? To be honest I voted, and you will not BELIEVE how I used my vote.

Anyway, as I said yesterday - my fun quotient was full to overflowing and that was at like 6. By the time I went to bed I was drunk on fun and friends and I woke up with a sort of hang over this morning. What is cool about a fun and friend hang over is that it isn't accompanied by a headache and dry mouth like a regular hang over, but it caries with it something that I don't usually experience - dare I say quirkiness. All morning I have been writing quirky emails and thinking about random thoughts. Example of quirkiness - comparing a meeting day at a job to a national holiday where people go out and meet their neighbors and people from other cultures, talking about my tent and how I had taken up residence there and was starting to act like those people from Deliverance - where does this stuff come from??

I don't have any pictures from today, but I am going to give a few from last night. We partied like it was 2008 (May 2008 to be exact). And as soon as I get a few pictures from Sunday nights party I will probably post them here as well. Sunday night we partied like it was 1965. I'm going to let you all work these dates out on your own. You have to keep your head on a swivel when it comes to me and my quirky randomness.

Hope It's Chocolate For Me!

Last night I deleted all my Jim Gaffigan, random movies, and random shows off of the DVR. Something tells me that in a year things will be different - they sure as heck are this birthday than last. I usually take this day to do a year recap - but I just don't feel like it today. Last year is one I don't want to live again - leaving me to know that the curse of the even numbered year is true.

Today, however, my fun quotient has been filled and is now overflowing, and I still have another dinner to go to, making that a super full day of fun and . . . well just fun. Barely worked today and got to see quite a few of my favorite people, and the ones I haven't seen yet I will see in about 15 minutes, and those that are still left I will just have to deal with next week.

I know I promised an TV explanation today, but I just can't do it today either. Thanks for all of your votes so far, I can't believe people are actually voting.

A clematis vine I planted a couple of weeks ago is going crazy in our yard. Crappy picture of it here, hoping to take some much better pictures in a few days (keeping my fingers crossed for a new camera).

New Do

Some of you are probably wondering, "What is up with your new banner?" . . . OK, none of you are actually asking that question. Of the 3 of you who read this blog you either A. don't care, or B. already know what is happening.

Starting tomorrow (12 tonight to be exact) I am not watching TV or movies for 1 year. 365 days (lucky I didn't pick a leap year). The reasons are many - some making sense, some not so much. I am not going to go into it tonight because, well because I have too much TV watching to do before the clock strikes.

See you later with some reasons, or 4 or 5 blog entries I have started since May but have never finished.

Morgan

Life Or Something Like It

It is a great movie - I would recommend it, but I don't think this has anything to do with that movie . . . other than maybe I feel like watching it RIGHT NOW, now that I said the title.

I am off to work today and then off to go camping. It has been years and years, and then a few more since I have gone camping. I have been a total of 2 times in my life. My mom wasn't into camping so I never went growing up. I think camping seems right up my alley - go out where there are not a ton of people, get lost for a few days, no phone, email, expectations. I'm not saying that tonight and tomorrow (and hopefully Sunday . . . keep your fingers crossed that I can stay) is going to change my life, but I am hoping it gives me a break from the last few months of my life. A time to unwind and be immersed in something simpler, around people who make things seem simpler. Maybe the simplicity will loosen the knot of my thoughts and help me to see more clearly.

Happy Aniversary

I have now lived in St. Louis 4 years. FOUR YEARS! Moved May 29, started work June 1. Made many different moves since, homes and jobs, but one thing stayed the same - St. Louis. I was thinking about it the other day and I can't think of a place I would rather live, a place that I would rather be. There are a lot of things I want from St. Louis, and only time will tell if it will actually give it to me - I hope it does. In some ways St. Louis has let me down, but isn't that the case with everything?

I haven't written here in awhile. I have 5 drafts saved needing work, so watch out. One day you might visit only to find the site blew up all over you.

Newest Member Of The Team

Learning To Fly

I don't remember what it was like for me when I was learning to walk. I don't remember how many times I fell, or how hard I tried. I don't remember the screams of excitement when I took that first step, I don't know what the reaction was in the room. I imagine that they were pretty excited . . . who knows.

I sort of remember learning to ride my bike. I remember my love for training wheels. I remember leaning to one side when one training wheel was taken off. I remember the driveway I rode on. I don't remember the falls, I don't remember when I finally got it. I don't remember if anyone was even outside when I rode.

I remember when I learned to ride my skateboard. I lived next to a cemetery and I used the roads there to ride on. They were pretty flat and not used often. Same with learning to ride my bike without hands. Same roads. No one was there. Just me and the road and my bike or skateboard.

I remember when I learned how to drive. I remember the tight grip on the wheel, the chaos of all my senses firing all at once. Hearing what I was doing wrong, the feel of the car, the sight of me not being where I wanted to be, the taste of the inside of my cheek as I chewed away.

I remember when I was learning to draw. I never thought I could actually do it. I remember the steps, the pencils, the teacher, the still life. I remember the stomach aches, the head aches, and the smile after when I could actually tell what I had just drawn.

I remember when my English teacher taught me how to write a paper. I had never been good at writing. I didn't like it - it was too big. I remember the steps, the red ink, the journals. I remember the smell of the classroom, and the guy that sat in the back that made fun of me all the time. High School sucked.

Learning to do something new is always hard. Always. In some ways I feel like I am learning to walk, ride my bike, drive, draw, write, speak, be. It sucks. It is hard. But in the end I think something might come out of it. Something better. That changed person on the other side. I may not be great at any of those things - walking, drawing, writing, being - but I can do them. And in the end, I think that is all that really matters.

Iron Man Movie Review

Use this review as you will. I can only express my opinion on this movie and the quotes of those around me. I can not be held responsible if you use this Review as a Recommendation. I will not be held responsible for any under-age viewing seeing as how it has been over 10 years since I passed the rated R test and have no children of my own. I will say that starting tomorrow at around 2:00 I will have been sick a whole week. I came home from this movie feeling markedly better than I have all week.

Iron Man (2008): Rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of sci-fi action and violence, and brief suggestive content.

I have to be honest, I have been known to be a fan of the superhero genre . . . but only a little. I am a sucker for the cheesy dialogue and the men (and women) who overcome obstacles of spider bites, Kryptonite, or an overly keen sense of justice to fight crime. I saw the trailer of Iron Man while I was looking for some trailers for Batman Returns. I immediately forgot about Batman when I heard the sarcastic wit of Robert Downey Jr. (Tony Stark/Iron Man).

How do you review a movie like this without giving away the ending or the random surprises. Basically this is a story of redemption. It is my story, it is your story, only with a lot more gadgets and explosions. Tony Stark embodies power. He has the mind, the money, the status, and the popularity. He doesn't apologize for being an arms dealer. For the fact that he makes money of the death and destruction of so many. But what he didn't realize is that he was looking at the world and his inventions with blinders on, only seeing what he wanted to see. The blinders are ripped off in one fiery moment, rather ironically, by his own weapons. What follows is a man who truly sees for the first time what is important. He is told at one point he is "a man who has everything, yet has nothing."

The parts were played rather well. The best lines were given to Downey . . . you had me at sarcasm. The biggest surprises came in the form of Gwineth Paltrow playing Pepper Potts - Stark's personal assistant, and a BALD Jeff Bridges playing Stark's business partner Obadiah Stane. What surprised me the most was the dialogue of this movie. What I expected was cheesy dialogue with the only redeeming lines being the sarcasm zingers from Downey. What I got was a movie I could actually listen to and not groan as the weight of the cheese crushed an otherwise good movie.

What a great come back movie for Robert Downy Jr., who up unitl this point spent his post drug and alcohol rehab years in independent films that few people actually saw (except for maybe me). To be back and bigger than life in this action packed redemption story.

This movie made it hard to sit in my seat.

Thinker and the Thought

My dad painted a picture called: Thinker and the Thought. It doesn't really have anything to do with what I am doing here - but it kind of does. Anyway, I think I'm done here for awhile. I was doing this whole 365 days thing because I guess I wanted to prove something to myself, or to you, or to someone. All I have found is that occasionally I have something to say, and it comes out right, and I get my point across. But on those other days I'm just writing because I have to and not because I want to. I'm not saying I am done with the blog all together - I just think I have reached the point of wondering if it really matters if I finish or not.

Morgan

off days

another day where what i say comes out wrong and misconstrued.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I'm really tired of coming to you every day.

Earthquake

Dear Earthquake,

Thanks! That was the most fun I have had in a long time! It was amazing!

Weather

Dear Weather Man,

I know I need to ride, but some rain tomorrow would be nice - my week has been full.

OTH

Dear OTH,

I am disappointed - but I'm not sure why.

Indians

Dear Cleveland Indians,

What is happening? Are you all alright? I have been watching your stats (because I can't get the games on TV much) and you keep falling down into a pit of loss. The Royals are kicking hiny and taking names, and you all act like they use to. Where is the spirit you had last year?

Still A Fan,
Katie Morgan

Just Words

Dear Words,

I don't really know how to use you right now. Quite honestly I don't think there are many of you in my head.

Until We Meet Again,
Katie Morgan

Markers

Dear Markers,

It has been so long, I really miss you. I can never get you back, you belong to someone else - but I wish you belonged to me. I heard that your new owner doesn't even use you to your potential. I am afraid that is pretty typical of most of the people there. I say most, because there are at least 2 guys there that get you, and understand all of your capabilities, but those who have access to you and could really use you are not going to. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Maybe it is because on my last few art things I have had to use pens and colored pencils, sometimes even crayons. This makes my heart sad. While there is great value in colored pencils, I really find my joy with you.

I hope you find a good home . . . I will miss you. I think I am going to go find some of your friends and bring them to my house. Would that be OK? I am not abandoning you, but I do need to move on. I am sorry.

Love Always,
Kate

Grilfriends

Dear Girlfriends of Professional BMX Bikers,

Just because your boyfriend is a professional BMX rider doesn't mean you get any of the same privileges offered to them. No you may not go into the "Bikers Only" areas, you are not competing in this competition, and you are not a biker. While you put up with a lot due to the fact you are dating someone that spends 200 days a year on the road, and can't walk without a limp, you do not qualify to go into the green rooms or watch from the ramps.

Sorry,
Katie Morgan
(The one you are pissed at when I won't let you in without an arm band)

Chuck

Dear Chuck,

We just met tonight and had the opportunity to work together at the desk. I wish you the best of luck tomorrow on your ride and hope you make it to the finals. Grab that home court advantage and hold on to it!

Katie

You too

Dear (left blank)

I hope you can read this card, because I sure can't, I'm hoping it is for confirmation. All the confirmation cards were so cheesy, and I just couldn't handle giving you something like that. So instead you have to translate. I figured since you are a UN translator in Spanish now that it shouldn't be a problem for you.

Anyway, congratulations on your confirmation. Is that what you say? I'm not sure. I do suspect it was a lot of work, so way to go on sticking it out. I remember when I went through it all I had to do a lot of memorization. Does it sound like I am rambling? I think I am.

So I guess I will let you go now, and ramble no more. I am proud of you for taking this step - I know God has some great plans in store for you. Life may be really hard sometimes, but somehow He always seems to pull people through and show them something totally awesome on the other side.

Morgan!

Dear God

Dear God,



My assumption would be that many people thought I already emailed you last week. That is not really true. I know that you know that . . . but come on, who are we kidding.



Anyway, the real reason I am writing is to ask you a very important question. Why did you make me like this? I mean, was I suppose to be like this, or did this happen because of my life circumstances? Or is that why I had my life circumstances? Let's be honest (there isn't any point to not be honest with you - right?) I'm cool, people like to be around me, but there feels like there is something inside of me that doesn't belong. And I don't think it is there because of you, or because you put it in there - but you kind of did (does that make that whole last sentence cancel itself out?). Will I eventually get rid of it? I do know if I do get rid of it - while it will be one of the greatest things to happen to me, it will probably be the most painful thing I ever experience. To get rid of something so entwined into my soul as this is, it will be a painful procedure to get rid of. All I know is, I don't like whatever it is, but there is comfort in it because it is the only thing I know.



Either way, I'm not looking forward to it, but I know that it needs to happen. So what is next for us?



Respectfully,

Kate

Do you have worms?

Dear DJ Earworm,



I discovered your site yesterday quite by accident, I'm still there. You are incredible. I don't think what you are doing is necessarily new - but I'm loving it. I have downloaded all of your songs and I am now sharing them with everyone I know. What a creative way to listen to music and then make your own. I don't think I have heard one yet that I didn't like . . . I'm still listening to see if I can find one so I can find some fault in what you do.

Anyway, thanks for your creativity - I'm loving it.

Your Biggest Fan,
Katie From The Block

Cause For Alarm

Dear Alarm Clock,

I am not your biggest fan. While I am on the topics of fans - do you have any? You rudely wake people up from deep sleep or great dreams. Sometimes you go off at the most inopportune times. Most times you wake me up during the best dreams. You NEVER wake me up from a nightmare. Why is that. I have nightmares and you sit idly by and wait for me to have a good dream. A dream where I am having the time of my life, or I am about to find the answer to some question like who I am going to marry, what the meaning of life is, who killed the electric car, or where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Anyway, I know that I have to get up, but why right now. I would much rather get up whenever I wake up, and then go to work when I get there. I guess that isn't realistic, but why isn't it? I know it isn't your fault - you are just a tool of "The Man." If you were Strawberry, I might be able to forgive.

Sleepily,
Katie Morgan

Blank

Dear (group of people) ,

I don't know if I have ever told you this - but I really like spending time with you. I sometimes wonder if we really have anything in common, if I really have anything to offer you. I may never know if you gain anything from our time together. But I want you to know that it means the world to me when you want to spend time with me. Somehow it makes my life make sense. I hope that someday you might understand what an impact you have on me in my life.

Sincerely,
Morgan

GW

Dear Gene Wilder,

I'm in love with you. There are no two ways about it. You are a comic genius - and I wish I could be half as funny as you are.

Yours Sincerely,
Katie Morgan

Snack Machine Guy

Dear Snack Machine Guy,

In an effort to retrieve the Peanut Butter Cups that were caught in the spindle, I obtained two items that were not mine. Your machine will be $1 short. ALTHOUGH, that was the second item we had tried to shake free, so maybe you are up on money due to people not taking the time to shake the machine.

Honestly, I am not that sorry, because I got a Snickers bar for free, and it made two children laugh that really needed one. BTW the microwave popcorn is awesome, but you put in packets with Spanish instructions on them instead of English. Luckily I had someone there who was almost fluent in Spanish, or the popcorn would have been a waste.

If you want your dollar, you are going to have to come find me.

Thanks,
Katie Morgan

Dear . . .

Dear (thing to remain nameless to protect the innocent) ,

Why are you such a jerk? I'm serious. I know how I am, I know that I call people jerks and sometimes I don't mean it - hell, I even call myself a jerk sometimes. But this is over the line, really over the line. You don't even care about people one bit. You see people suffering, and instead of helping them you just watch, then you poke them, punch them, and watch them writhe in the extra pain you are causing.

Lay off. Just lay off. I do have to say this, you are an equal opportunity a-hole. You pester everyone the same way and don't discriminate on age, race, or gender - so way to be on that.

I hope some day you get yours.

With Regrets,
Katie Morgan

Royals

Dear Kansas City Royals,

I was over on the MLB Standings site today looking at how my beloved Indians were fairing so far. I was shocked to see you at the top of the standings, winning your first two games. How exciting for you all! Are you excited? Not only have you won your first two games, but you beat Detroit, they are usually pretty high in the rankings. I hope that you continue to do well, you deserve it after so long.

You know, I usually do root for the underdog. That is why I am an Indians fan. For so long they were low in the standings, but now that they did so well last year, I am beginning to wonder who I really should root for this year. Do not get too excited yet, I will still cheer for them, but you are inching up in the rankings for me to consider as second favorite. I am closer to Kansas City than I am to Cleveland, so it would be nice to go to a game every now and again (especially when you play Cleveland).

Anyway, I wish you all the luck you can handle. Let me know how tomorrow's game goes with Detroit.

Sincerely,
Katie Morgan
Devoted Indians Fan Since 1984

Postcards From The Edge

Dear Gentle Reader,

As you have probably deduced by now, I am writing here everyday of 2008. It hasn't always been fun for me, and I know it hasn't always been fun for you either. The powers that be in the Blog 365 world have themes each month that people can use to kick start, re-start, or re-vamp a blog. I have never used these because . . . well I don't really know why. I guess, mostly, it is because I hate to conform. I don't want to conform to their themes. You may say, "But Katie, isn't the fact that you are blogging 365 days a year a bit conformist to the idea of Blog 365?" And to that I would answer, "No, because there were only about 1,000 people on the list when I signed up. So not signing up would have been going with the flow." See my logic? I astound myself. Anyway, I got the theme for April last week. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that this month's theme is something I would like to tackle.

Without further ado, I give you April's Theme: Letters. Yes, you heard it correctly, letters. I am going to write a letter every day for the month of April. I may just write it here, I may actually send it, I may write no one in particular (like today), or I may even write you. Doesn't the thought of me writing you a letter just fill you with anticipation. I know some of you are thinking right now, "Oh, I hope she picks me this month." And indeed, I may. I may change some names to protect the innocent . . . and the guilty.

So I hope you like this month. I do not promise it will be more interesting than any other month. I do not promise to even follow through with this for all 30 days.

Sincerely,

Morgan

it just hurts

it doesn't matter what i do, it just hurts. if i don't eat . . . it hurts. if i eat . . it hurts. i guess i will go back to my college habit of drinking mylanta, yum.

Air Bus

Is it just be or does the flying experience feel more like a cross country bus ride than a flight?

Basket Ball

I think they call it March Madness because I may go crazy if I have to watch another game.

Gene Pool

Is it nature or nurture . . . most days I think nurture, but when I am with him, I can't deny the nature part of me.

Off . . . again

I'm off again. This time to Texas where the temperature is up in the 80's. I can not post while I am there, so I will type them all when I get back. Maybe I will have a new list so I won't be listless.

Tickets

I just received 3 Jim Gaffigan tickets for his show here in September! That's right, I'm going to the show. You try buying them today . . . could you buy any? No. What about tomorrow? That's right, can't tomorrow either. You can, however, buy them on Friday. But I already have 3 of the best seats in the house so there is really no point.

list-less

I don't have a list, I don't know what to do. I guess it is time to think up a new list.

Iron Man

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen Videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

Last on the list of topics I wrote down almost a week ago is the Iron Man trailer and upcoming movies report. If last summer is any indication of how I will do this year, then I am sad to say I won't actually go see any of these movies I am excited about. Example: Transformers. I wet my pants when I saw the preview, waited with held breath, and then let it come . . . and go from the theaters without so much as one ticket bought. What happened, you may ask. I DON'T FREAKING KNOW! To this day I have not seen it, and I have a DVD of it here at the house. Maybe it has come down to the build up now. I have built it up, didn't see it, and now have to watch it on a TV screen, worry that I won't be what I built it up to be, so I don't want to be disappointed. Who knows.

This summer, I hope will be a bit different. Hopefully I will see at least 2 of these. A few I am excited about I have listed here already - Indiana Jones being high on the list. The new Batman (and not because of Heath Ledger . . . but because I love the Batman genre (yes I called it a genre (and yes I have used parentheses inside of parentheses, etc.))). The new Narnia movie is coming out. OH!!!! And Get Smart - with Steve Carell. I can't wait for that one. Posted a trailer for that a long time ago, and it doesn't ever seem like it is ever going to be in the theater! Also Iron Man. I enjoy that this movie is coming out for one reason and one reason only - Robbert Downy Jr. He is the perfect smart ass, and that is what this character is, a total smart ass. So far from the preview I think this line will be quotable:

"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."

Hawaii Chair

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

This is classic. Just goes to show that things aren't always what they appear:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2008/01/hawaii_chair.php
(note, if video doesn't play after the commercial - refresh the screen and you should be able to watch it)

Also from Ellen:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/message_from_ellen/
Not all videos are funny. Take special note of: The Dance Studio, Toll to the Lincoln Tunnel, and the one titled "that's where the prof is"

Monday

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

My unexpected of Monday was a long time coming. Let me provide a little bit of background:

I started working at the age of 13. My mom and I moved to Oklahoma when I started the 8th grade. I'm not sure I am over the trauma of moving to a small town right in the middle of Jr. High when clicks have been created 8 years earlier and small town Jr. High kids are meaner and click-y-er than others. This may not be a fact, but from where I had come from, they weren't nearly like the people I encountered in this new Deliverance Country. Anyway, my mom went to work in a lumber yard for a kind man named Tom Sanders. Tom had been in the lumber business for quite awhile. The company was originally owned by his father and uncle, and he wanted nothing to do with it. He went off and became a college professor and, what do you know, ended up running the business anyway. I'm not sure all the events surrounding his come back to backwoods Oklahoma, but he did. He allowed me to work in his store in the office. I filed. I filed a lot. I filed and cleaned the break room and the bathrooms. I did all that for $20 a week. THAT'S RIGHT. In that day I thought I was rich. I would walk home from school, drop my bag off and head over to the lumber yard to alphabetize and file invoices. At the beginning of the month I had the job of assisting in the mailing of all the invoices. Cleaning the bathrooms was the worse part - mostly because it was mostly men in and out of that place . . . mostly men that had terrible chewing habits. The spitting involved in the chewing is not necessarily the bad part, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I worked for that man until I graduated from high school. I even had half days my senior year and went to work for him the rest of the day as part of a school to work program. That semester I tried to learn Auto CAD 12 . . . it was hard, and I don't think I made much headway, but as a landscape architect I used Auto CAD a lot, and I would like to think I was ahead of the curve due to my tinkering at 17. He was very kind to my mom and me. He gave me something to do after school and on weekends, gave me a chance to be around my mom a bit more, and to form friendships with other men that I would have never met otherwise. These men were hard men. They knew the value of hard work, and they were very rough around the edges - but they were there for me. They were like big brothers that knew how to work and how to teach me the value of work, but also they liked to have a bit of fun and how to teach me to have a bit of fun at work too. Rubber band fights were a common sight, as was the look that said, "That was fun, but go back to work now." Those are all things he did indirectly. He gave me a sense of accomplishment in a job well done, a work ethic (that is sometimes out of control), and taught me the value of a dollar. Directly he gave me money for my prom dress, gave my mom time off to come to see me in speech competitions, wrote a home run letter of recommendation, paid for me to go places and do things (but he always made me ask) . . . he was like an uncle to me. He was a tall, quiet man, who was respected by his employees and people all over town. His dad was still around the store a lot. He had an office upstairs by mine (well my office wasn't really an office as much as it was a closet with a table they built). He was awesome as well. He used his time to make stained glass projects. I didn't develop the hobby until later, but I wish now I had him around to help me out.

So Tom Sanders. I don't think I could list the ways he helped me, or was there for me, or encouraged me, etc. I would visit him on occasion after I left for college. Those visits tapered off to the point where I had not seen him in about 2 years. I was never in town when the store was open, and for some reason I didn't feel right about going by his house (hmmmm, doesn't that sound like me). So Monday I went by. The store was a bit different. I didn't really see anyone on the floor I recognized. They looked at me suspiciously. I was a stranger walking through like I had business there, and went straight for the office. No one stopped me, but I think they wanted to. I saw the accountant/secretary that I worked with. She was happy to see me. And then I saw him. The tall, gentle man that helped me get through part of my life. Time and grief (over the loss of his parents and one of his sons) had aged him, but he was still in there, the man I knew. We talked for awhile. Mostly about my life and where it was going (or not going). I didn't realize until I saw him how much I missed seeing him. It was good, it was unexpected, it was just what I needed.

There have been 2 other "Tom Sanders" people in my life, and seeing him after all that time made me grateful for those others who have come behind. I just hope I don't go another two years before I see him again, and I don't let time get away from me with the ones that I have in my life now.

On with the list

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

Sunday's unexpected . . . what to say about it all. I don't know if it was something that was "unexpected" as it was something that made me take a step back and see, once again, that I am not going through all this turmoil of the last 6 months alone. There is Someone with me every moment. I went home for a few days to see my mom and my grandparents. I went to church with my mom and saw people that I always see when I am home. But I spent a lot of time with one gentleman that I rarely talk to. It isn't that we don't like talking to one another, it is just that he is usually very busy with the business of church . . . fighting the urge of a rabbit trail about churches and how they have become a business . . . must fight harder! OK . . . so, we don't talk much usually because I spend very little time in that church of my early 20's and he is usually busy with other things that need to be taken care of there. Anyway, he was asking me about my job(s) and I was talking to him about a very recent opening in St. Louis to work at the community college in the horticulture department. I am very conflicted about this decision. One, because I feel like I have made a commitment to where I am and that ministry. And second, because it was back in a related field to what I left . . . and there are more than a couple of reasons why I don't work there anymore. So he proceeded to lay out my options in a way that I had never had it all laid out to me before. A way that made me feel at total peace about what to do next. As you travel toward your destination, you have to work. Make your tents (as it were), and when it is time to quit making tents move on. Some of you have no idea what that means, but in context it made perfect sense.

Dog Years

So, my list:

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years video
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

On to another number today . . . I pick 3. I think you guessed that due to the title of my post. Anyway, I thought this was pretty funny, and I'm sure that Addie thinks the same things sometimes . . . only she doesn't have a male voice, and if she spoke I think she would have the same accent.

Let's Give Them Something To Talk About

There is so much I want to talk about today. Every time I think about today's post I think of something different to put on here. I have seen several funny videos in the last 12 hours and wanted to post every one. Then there is the weekend to talk about. Just as a side note - an unexpected occurrence is not necessarily bad. Even if it is something I don't know how to talk about - some things just take me by such surprise and leave me speechless (rare, I know). So thank you for those of you who have called or left me kind words in my mail box, everything is fine, everyone is fine. So anyway I can't narrow it down to what I want to post today. So I will give you a list so that I know what to write about over the next week or so. The list isn't so much for you as it is for me.

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years video
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My commission

I'm going to talk about my commission today. I have read and heard from some artists this statement "I have a commission of _____ to finish by the end of the week." I thought, how cool to be so great that someone would commission you to do something like that. I realized that they aren't that cool because I have been asked to do landscape designs, installs, etc. and that was really just a commission. I was commissioned to design a wall for a friend and put it in. Not cool, nothing cool about it. I had a great time, but that doesn't make me cool. ANYWAY, I have had a real commission. I am to design a business card for my dad. Some may say it doesn't count because he is my dad, but it TOTALLY counts because it is my dad. It is like my dad said, your work is great, make me something. That sort of thing just doesn't happen on a whim in my world. So anyway, I have complete design block - more frozen in fear of what will come or not come out of me. So, hopefully by Friday I will have some concrete ideas for him.

Unexpected

I wrote a quick post yesterday about my trip home. It wasn't over when I wrote it. I mentioned unexpected things happening, but I wasn't prepared for the unexpected of this morning. I can talk about the unexpected of Sunday and Monday, but I don't know how to talk about the unexpected of this morning. It was something so powerful, so raw, something I never saw coming, and am still in awe that it occurred.

Follow Up

This whole trip has been nothing I ever imagined. I don't know if that is good or bad. I was not ready for what I saw, but once I saw it I knew it was manageable for my little pea brain. Other things I didn't expect have happened, I'm sure there will be more about that later when I get a chance to write for real.

Off

I'm off to the great unknown. I'm not really sure what I am walking into today. I want to be ready, but I don't think I will be prepared for what I am about to see or experience.

I'm sure you understand, but I'm lost

I don't think I will ever understand it. EVER!

Spring

I realized today, as I sat in my backyard with the sun on my face, that this is the first time I have ever enjoyed spring in my adult life. The first time I have the time to enjoy it. I realize it isn't technically spring, but who is counting?

Last Time

When you are doing something mundane you never stop to think - "Is this the last time I will ever do this?" And then you wake up later and realize you will never do ________ (fill in the blank) again. Like the last time you kissed you ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, did you really know or think it would be the last time. The last time you ever backed out of that driveway or drove down that road because you moved. The last time you ever stood in that kitchen, or that office, or saw those people. Maybe you don't think about that because it is depressing, or fatalistic, or pessimistic. I don't really think about it at the time, but sometimes I do later. It comes up in a conversation, or a thought, or though my many hours of introspection.

Sun . . . shine

I just spent the last hour or so (so being anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes, because I don't remember the exact time I went outside) sitting in the sun reading and, subsequently, dozing. My foul disposition of the last week seemed to melt away for awhile, but then I remembered I had to go to work tonight and it seemed to rally back with vengeance. I don't think I'm handling things well, and I don't really know what to do - God help me if I have to go back to a counselor, I think that would send me over the edge. Normally the thought of recounting my life to a stranger seems so freeing and amazing. But these days I would rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick because I know that this is just a phase of transition and loss and eventual recovery, not a life long sorrow.

So when you ask me what I did today, don't be surprised if I say:

"I was just sitting here with my stick enjoying the sun . . . shine."

. . .

his name was Joe. He was the most famous baker on the coast.

(you thought it was going to be dirty - shame on you)

Story Time

There once was a man from Nantucket,

Fool

I really don't want to write everyday. I really don't feel like writing once a week anymore. Am I just doing this now because I have a "Blog 365" on my page and I signed up for this? Should I forget that and just do what I want when I want? Or would that just be another commitment I have made that I let go because it is hard? I don't think there are any right or wrong answers on this. I think, more than anything, I am finding that I write for me, and not for anyone else. So should you have to read it because I asked you here once, or you stumbled upon this site? A friend of mine apologized to me because they hadn't been reading every day, or every week. I don't think he was seriously apologizing, but I told him that it is here if you want to read it. It is here if you don't want to read it. I put it here, and whether no one reads it, or 100 people read it, it is still here. I will never be the next dooce or Real Live Preacher, I'm just here writing crap that half the time makes no sense, and every time shows what an ass I am. Abraham Lincoln once said,

"It is better to remain silent be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and
remove all doubt."

And I am starting to think that I'm removing doubt everyday, and that I should maybe just put this all on hold for awhile.

Fashion Week

I hate it when that happens, don't you?

Marathon Man

I watched Marathon Man today. What an interesting movie. I'm not sure I totally understood all of it, and in the end it just sort of stopped. There was some closure, but there wasn't any of the fallout that I was hoping to understand. A side thing about the movie was Dustin Hoffman's character was a runner. Movies like that make me want to be a runner. I don't think I could really be a runner, I don't have the ability to run through pain and distraction. I think I focus too much on that. Whenever I start running it only lasts about a week, and I'm back on the couch.

Good Intentions

I didn't get anything done that I had planned on getting done - but I did get to do some things I needed to do.

Sledding

I hate my new sled

Snow Sucess

Finally a snow day success. I did go to work today, but then came home around 11. The snow is deep, and grand!!! Anyway, hoping for a little sledding today.

Saw this movie this weekend. I enjoyed it thoroughly. This is what happens when a musical meets the real world. I laughed hard - mostly because when Disney meets real life it doesn't quite work.

Sleep

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
-Shakespeare

No one I know died today . . . but this just seemed like something to mark.

Doctors

Some doctors are not really as smart as the coat makes them out to be. If you aren't going to use common sense, then just bypass being a doctor that cares for my family members. I would rather a doctor actually look at a family member before saying that they don't need to stay in the hospital, rather than send them home without ever once setting eyes on them or their new chart information. It isn't the first time either, which makes me even madder.

Singin' In The Rain