Wednesday Night Score

Indians 4

Cardinals 5

I was right, the Cardinals would not go down 3 in a row to the Indians. I was there, it was sad. BUT it was super fun (even in the last inning when the whole crowd was on it's feet banging white seat cushions together to make noise). The best part, was watching every seat cushion in the stadium get thrown onto the field.

Can I get a whoop, whoop?

Tuesday Night Score

Indians 3

Cardinals 1

Happy, but nervous for tomorrow. My feeling is that the Cardinals are mad now, and will not let the Indians sweep the series.

Mondays Score

Indians 10

Cardinals 3

That's right - Wednesday isn't looking quite so bleak now.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I married my last boyfriend. It wasn't a dream where I married him around the time we were dating, but I married him now - 5 years after we had broken up (that's right, it has been 5 years - shut up). In my dream we met again at some function and got married a few days later. The strange thing is, I was happy. I was happy in the marriage, in the relationship. My biggest fear in marriage is that I won't be happy. Or I will be happy at the beginning, but after the newness wears off I won't be happy anymore. I do not worry that he will leave me, I worry that I will leave him. There is a quote from Mr. and Mrs. Smith that hits what I feel (and fear) about marriage:
Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

So the fact that I had a dream about being married and I was happy makes me . . . well, happy. The fact that I married him and I was happy makes me a little sad. By the end of our relationship I was so unhappy. We were doomed from the start. We started dating 2 weeks before he moved 5 hours away. Within 6 months we were through, because we couldn't hold a new relationship together that far apart. I wonder what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances. First we wouldn't have had the whole distance thing. Second maybe I would have been a little better equipped for a relationship. I had too much baggage that I brought to the relationship, too much that I couldn't do anything but hold the bags - there was no room to hold him. Since our break up I have worked hard to get rid of those bags. Many of them are gone now. Some are lighter. Still, some others are there, but slowly getting unpacked. But in the end I never gave him (or us) the chance to succeed. It wasn't a question in my head of if I would leave the relationship, but when.

That is the cycle I need to break. Going into everything thinking "when I mess up I'll ____." Instead I need to just go with it. Let what happens, happen. At that time in my life, we would have eventually ended anyway . . . but now, I am different. Now I'm super cute, and I know it. Now I have a backbone and know how to use it. Now I am carrying less bags. So you. Yes you, you know who you are. Take a chance.

Happiness

Not directed at me, but I might has well have been - it was like he flipped a switch.

"[You] need to quit trying to make everyone happy. Don't [you] know that the people around [you] are happy when they see that [you] are happy?" - NAD

Expectations

I have been getting emails over the last day or so from people I graduated from college with. In the landscape architecture program we were a small bunch of 15 so we got to know each other quite well. It was no secret when I left that I was not happy with landscape, but I was willing to give it a try (for a little while at least). Up until about 8 months ago I had my ups and downs with my company - mostly downs. But in the last 8 months I have had a hard time remembering a really down time. Sure I have had my days where things didn't work out, but in the end it didn't really matter. "What are they going to do, take my birthday away?" But these emails have put me in a funk. If you measure success by the worlds standards - they have me beat. High paying jobs, promotions out the ear, and new homes. I don't have that. But if you measure success by a different stick, maybe I am ahead. I am happy where I am. Are they? Over the past month, or so, I have been obsessed with houses. I think it is part of the idea of success. I want so badly to be in a house that I own, to me that says that you have "made it." I don't know why, maybe it has to do with my family. Growing up we rented. We couldn't afford not to (Like all good parents, my mom never let me know how much we couldn't afford not to own a house, or have a lot of things she sacrificed to give me). I don't look at my mom and say she wasn't successful, so why do I say I'm not until I have a house? Why is it so hard not to look at the measuring stick of the world and get caught up in it?

BTW - Indians are terrible right now. They are NOT a success. It is going to be really hard to go watch them play the Cardinals next week. Because I know, going in, it is going to be a long shot. AND I will be sitting in Busch Stadium surrounded by Cardinal fans not Jacobs Field surrounded by fellow tribesmen. An Indian loss is always handled better on the home territory. BUT I am super excited to go!

grow up

some day i am going to grow up . . . i just wonder when that will be.

yesterday, and today

yesterday i went to wal-mart. i hate wal-mart. i hate wal-mart because i am from a small town and i watched as wal-mart came in and put a lot of businesses out of business. i watched as they built a bigger and "better" store, and put the rest out. i watched as they let their store go to crap because they didn't have any competition anymore. i moved away to a bigger town and their are other options - but i still find myself walking the aisles at least twice a year. i hate those times. it makes me feel dirty. i have a hard time going to sam's, but they have really cheap gas, and i am a freak about gas. you might say i am bitter, maybe i am.

today i drank a coke for the first time in 2 months. it was a huge mistake, because now i feel like i am on meth. you might ask how i know what it feels like to be on meth. well i will tell you - i had a dream about being on meth, and this is what i felt like in the dream. no, i don't really know what it feels like to be on meth.

i have come to the realization over the last few weeks that i am super cute. i don't mean just in how i look, but how i am. how do men resist me. it might be one of life's great mysteries. today i didn't feel super cute, but i know i am, and that makes all the difference. i'm not conceded, if you really knew me, you wouldn't think i was. or maybe i am, i just play it off like i'm not. i'm an enigma even to myself.

Brain Cloud

Just a few days shy of going a whole month without writing. Show of hands of people who actually noticed I hadn't written anything in about 3 and a half weeks . . . that's what I thought. You with your hand raised there on the back row - you weren't even listening, you just raised your hand because you were being polite.

So, I have something brewing up in my head - but don't really know what to say. I don't want it to be the same old ramble/drama it usually is (but who am I kidding, isn't this the place to have drama?). So as soon as this brain cloud passes in a day or so I will be ready to ramble and dramatize. If you get the brain cloud reference we should marry, because that one connection is enough to start a life long union. Serious, that means we have many similar interests and the same sense of humor.

Out.

Tonight

Indians finally won a game tonight. Broke their 6 game losing streak. I was worried after the 1st inning that it would soon be a 7 game streak, 3 to 0, but they were triumphant.

I don't know why I feel like I have to make a choice tonight, or tomorrow, or even this week about my social life - but it just really struck me today. While I was debating these choices this song came on. It isn't complicated . . . in fact it is quite repetitive. But in the end I think I needed that repetition to drive home a few ideas.
1. If I fail, I can make a correction
2. It is hard to know what I'm suppose to do . . . it is hard for everyone
3. And I don't have to make my decision tonight - tomorrow is a brand new day

Tonight - Sixpence None The Richer

Tonight it's time
Choose a direction
If you fail
You can make a correction
Somewhere now
Make life faster
Make your mind
Up for once this time

It's hard
To know
Where I'm
Supposed to go

It's hard
So hard to know
To know
Where I'm supposed to go
Tonight
Tonight

Tonight it's time
Choose a direction
If you fail
You can make a correction
Slower now
Make life faster
Make your mind
Up for once this time

It's hard
To know
Where I'm
Supposed to go
It's hard
So hard to know
To know
Where I'm supposed to go
Tonight
Tonight

Tonight I'm going let it go
And try to let it be
Because I know you see
That it's hard
To know
Where I supposed to go
But there is
A way
And tomorrow is a brand new day
Yes it's hard
So hard to know
Where I'm supposed to be
But there is a way
And tomorrow is a brand new day
Tonight
Tonight

Bliss

Nothing says "I Love You," quite like a KitchenAid Silicone Grabber, Color: White. Well actually two of them. Hey, it was on their list. So my cousin is getting married, and . . . well . . . that is what they are getting from me to kick off their life together. All I have to say is, I don't really get family. I thought we had a common respect for each other, maybe I don't.

I have felt very mean lately. Not just about my cousin, but about everyone. I have been very angry and hard toward people lately. I don't know if they have just been walking the line on my patience and now all the sudden they have crossed it, or if it is me. I think it has to be me, considering there are about 19 people that are over the line on my tolerance level. And if you are asking if it is you - it isn't, because the people it is wouldn't bother to ask (or read here). SEE, there I go again.

I am going but I leave you with this final thought. If you are thinking about getting the movie Derailed - don't. If you want to know what it is about I will tell you and spare you all the retina burning scenes. Overall I think the story was good, good twists, good characters - the bad guy really made it easy to hate him, but the way it was filmed was very graphic in all areas.

Day 14

Luke 13:11-13
And a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for 18 years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

What would it be like to be bent over for 18 years? What would it be like to suddenly be able to stand? I, personally, have never been inflicted where I was bent over at the waist, unable to straighten up - betting you haven't either. But, I am betting each of us has been bent over a time or two in our spirit. Think about it a minute. Maybe it is just me.

Every time my dog comes to me she has her head down. Every time, without fail. I have never hit her, or kicked her. I have never punished her for coming to me. But every time she comes her head is down. Like Oliver when he wanted more - he just knew something terrible was going to happen. She just knows that one time she is going to come and instead of patting, I will hit. I never gave her cause to think that, some other jerk put that thought in her mind by doing exactly that, and in her mind she can't separated the two. I think that is how I approach God. Head down, knowing the worst could come. He has never done anything of the sort, but someone else has - and in my mind I can't separate the two. I would call that a bent over spirit.

God help me to separate your truth from the lies I believe every day. The lie that I'm not good enough, or that I am un-lovable, or that I should not desire good things for my life. Put your hand on me and help me to straighten up and look you in the eye, rather than staring at your feet.

Day 13

Psalm 46:1-11

V10: Be still and know that I am God . . .

Be still: Just sit, stop the chaos in your mind. Pay attention to what is going on inside you and through you, not just around you. Just stop for one minute and listen.

and know: Stop listening to everything Warring within yourself and truly listen to the truth that is burred beneath all the noise and lies you pay attention to.

that I am God: Bigger than the chaos, and love you WITH the baggage you bring. But I love you too much to let you keep carrying it.

Day 12

Been slacking, but that is OK (or at least I am learning that it is).

Day 12 - Exodus 3:1-6
I have always known that I am a worrier. I worry about what other people are thinking, what they mean when they say certain things, if I could have done that better, or if I could have done this differently. But I realized today that I am hyper. I don't mean hyper in that I can't sit still or that I have a lot of energy, but that I take every feeling and every thought to the extreme. In other words I run my life in overdrive. You are all saying, "Kate, this isn't news." I know it isn't, but I think today I really realized how far I have let it go. You might be asking what this has to do with Exodus 3:1-6 . . . NOTHING. It just came into my head while I was reading it (maybe it will loop). I question everything. Everything people say to me, every reaction I have. Was it the appropriate reaction? Was it a good reaction? Did I freak them out? Should I stay quiet? Should I talk? Should I say the first thing that pops into my head? Or would I just stick my foot in my mouth? Should I, do I, could I . . . the list is endless. It makes me tired.

In the end this entry was really a rambling. This whole hyper thing isn't clear in my head, and I thought writing it out would make it clearer - it didn't work. I guess what I am saying is be patient with me (I know you all already are). I am making mistakes, and will keep making mistakes, and will keep raking myself over coals for those mistakes, and some day I will stop. I am trying to stop. Maybe one day I will surprise you when I don't beat myself up. I am ready for that day (or even that hour).

Sugar Daddy

I have always wanted a Sugar Daddy - and now I have one!

slump

my gosh, the indians are really bad right now. i don't know if i can handle it.

Rain Of Rocks

I know that in all good writing you need to make the reader feel like they are there. Give them sights and sounds and smells. I want to put you there with me as I tell this story - but I worry that putting you there with all the sights and smells and sounds might take a lot of words that would just muddle it up. So forgive me if I can't "put you there" and only just give you a glimpse.

We are all familiar with the sound of a bat hitting a ball. The crisp sound that is made when there is good contact. As an Indians fan, I am not as familiar with that sound as . . . say a Cardinals fan. But have you ever heard the sound of a bat hitting a rock. The sweet sound of the contact with a rock is far better than the sound of the ball. Maybe it is because when you are hitting a ball it is about hitting it out of the ball park, it is all about the ball. But with a rock it is about getting something out of yourself, it isn't about the rock at all. Talk to other rock hitters and they will tell you the same thing. It is about emotion rather than distance. It is about the sound of the rock, rather than the roar of the crowd. It is about the damage you cause that brings about some sense of healing. Ok, maybe it is about all of those things for just me and not other rock hitters, but just go with me on this. Today happened to be a rock hitting day. Don't ask me what constitutes a rock hitting day - maybe it was the week of tornadoes, maybe it was just that day based on the tilt of the earth on it's axis and how close it came to Pluto last week, who knows, it just was . . . "So be it." I watch as another rock hitter takes his turn. I listen to the crack of the bat and the rock, that moment when they make their destructive, yet healing union. I listen for the sound the rock makes as it flies through the air (I have heard some incredible noises in those flights), the impact on a tree or down into the creek. The temperature is perfect, the air has a slight breeze with the smell of wisteria. We are not bothered here when we hit rocks, people never hassle us. They usually laugh and start watching. Another crack, a good flight and a leafy finish by my fellow batter and it is my turn (I know it is my turn, because you have to end on a good note, and I can think of no better note to end on than that one). I hit a few, I miss a few, but it doesn't matter. I set myself up for another . . . good rock choice . . . nice stance. I toss it up and CRACK! The rest seemed to happen in slow motion. I made sweet contact, but instead of making a noise as it flew through the air it shattered into pieces, what came next was the most awesome 2 seconds. The main rock piece hit a tree splitting it again. Then the noise of rocks as they rained down from the sky. The pieces I made fell hitting leaves, branches, and the ground in the most beautiful symphony I have heard in a long time. I stood there for almost a minute just mesmerized by it - a smile bigger than any smile I have had on my face in a month came out. That is the way to end a rock hitting day.

I never said it would be a good story, but it does say something. I don't smile much anymore, but rock hitting makes me smile, that is why I keep doing it. Having chunks come out of my bat makes me happy. Knowing that in about a month I will have to buy a new bat because this one will no longer be usable makes me ecstatic. With each rock hit, each chunk taken out of the bat, I lose a bit of the hardness on my heart, the wall I have built around me, and the facade I have made to show others. You may think hitting rocks is juvenile, but for me it is more than that.

Handi-Snacks

Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that the Handi-Snacks are excited to be eaten. I mean the cracker is even spreading cheese on itself. Kraft - don't put faces on my food. A cow had a face, so did the chicken - but I have come to terms with that. But giving them a smiling cartoon face that says, "eat me," is kind of sketchy. Give them a icon of some sort, the Tiger works for Frosted Flakes, the Captain works, the leprechaun works - why not do that for these guys. I am also picking up a racial vibe here - anyone, anyone.

Maybe it is just me, but when I saw a cracker spreading cheese on itself in the store it made me want to run the other way, not buy the product.

Tornados

I have been having a lot of dreams with tornados in them. I am from Oklahoma where we don't run short of those . . . none of these dreams occur in Oklahoma. They occur in St. Louis or Arizona (there have been at least 2 there). In these dreams I am not just in them, but I am at a vantage point to watch them develop, watch as the clouds come together and form the funnel in the sky and touch down. There is usually more than one and I am either somewhere safe, or wake up by the time it would have hit where I am. When I had one, I thought it was just something interesting. When I had a second, I was still awed by it. By my 5th or 6th one I am totally freaked about it. I am not scared of tornados. I know that if one is coming get to safety. I know that is not a guarantee that I will be ok, but I know it is the best thing I have. But the reality is tornados are chaos. The vary nature of them is chaotic. When I dig deeper I know that I feel like my life is chaos - remember the chair in the coffee shop: The truth is - living in total chaos is fun - it's thinking about it that stinks! So when I am asked to think about it (say in a couch situation) I don't really know what to say. It is ingrained in me, it is who I am, it is what it is, and I don't know how to stop it. But why is it there? I woke up with the answer today (it also answers the age old questions of why I am angry and feel guilt all the time).

When I was little my parents divorced. I know that I couldn't really understand it or process it. One decision changed the course of my life forever, changed the way it would be lived, and changed the way I would look at life - forever. I realized this week that I was (and still am) mad at my dad. Neither of these I really knew, they just escaped my attention because I was too busy being mad at myself (guilt) for some reason or another. I can't really explain why I am mad at him - probably because I feel like he didn't try to keep us all together. Who knows why I was mad as a little girl - probably because I didn't understand why he wasn't there, really anyone's best guess. When you have anger that you can't explain, at people you love with all your heart - I think you start to feel guilt. Because you are so mad that you could spit but you don't know why. Their in lies confusion and guilt, and then comes being mad at yourself for being mad at someone you don't have a reason for. And after a few years years of that you get chaos. You forget who you were mad with in the first place, but the other feelings remain because you didn't resolve any of them. I was told once that I feel comfortable in the guilt. They were right. It is what I know. I make my life chaos, because it is what I know. If there isn't some sort of conflict in my life I think I would be lost.

I think I could keep talking, but I am sure you all get the picture.

Day 7

Exodus 4:1-5
Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, `The LORD did not appear to you'?" Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?"
"A staff," he replied.
The LORD said, "Throw it on the ground."
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it.
Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand.
"This," said the LORD, "is so that they may believe that the LORD, the God of their fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has appeared to you."

God put forth a plan for Moses' life, a plan that Moses didn't have for his own life. Moses questioned God and God's plan for his life just like I do. Just like me - he thought God must have been crazy. How could God use me, a person who has messed up over an over. A person who has spit in his face a number of times by my actions of sin, mistrust, control, and unbelief.

"Perhaps God was giving Moses a vivid picture of how the things we fear - the memories and doubts that poison our future, that lie between us and where God wants us to go - need to be confronted head-on. Perhaps God was helping Moses understand the deep guilt, forgotten hopes, and lost dreams of the past can be either a snake on the ground intimidating you or, through his power and grace, a rod in the hand." - Robbins, Enjoy The Silence

"God is nearer to us than we are to ourselves." - Paul Tillich