Easter

Easter has come and gone . . . that means Lent has come and gone. This was the first Easter I didn't spend with my family. And it was the most depressing. Not only because I wasn't with them, but because I was pretty sick, so instead of being with them I spent it in bed instead of finding people to be with to help me snap out of it. It was also depressing because this was the first Easter that I felt like I wanted to really be involved in the whole story and really focus on what it all really means and I totally blew it off.

I know some people that took Lent very seriously. I was going to be one of them. A few Bloggers I follow decided to do something very radical over the Lenten season - they wrote every day. Another artist decided to paint a watercolor every day. I, on the other hand, let Lent pass by without one thought about more than myself. I don't think I can even tell you the last time I prayed or read one bit of the Bible if it wasn't plastered in front of my face at church. I can't tell you the last church service I went to voluntarily during Lent, or one time I ever thought about God as something more than a big thing in the sky. I guess that is why this Easter seemed like such a disappointment. Not because of Lent, and my lack of focus - but just because of me in general. For awhile now, I have played the game. The church game. A game I vowed never to play again. My high school years were devoted to the Game. Going because I was "suppose to", saying things like, "I will pray for you," because it was what you said. That was how the Game was played. Then something happened, and I realized that I didn't want to play the Game anymore . . . because it was just a Game. I wanted to live life, and the life I chose didn't have room for church, or prayer, or God. My life only had room for me and what I wanted to do - and believe me, I did it. It took me about a year to figure out that my life had to include God, or I wasn't going to make it. Laying face down on my bed - with everything I wanted at my fingertips - trying to figure out if I had enough pills that would do it, or if I could actually wrap my car around a tree. That was the moment I knew that it wasn't going to work out my way. I am not saying that that is how God gets every body's attention - that is how he had to get mine. The problem was I didn't want to play the Game, I wanted God to fit into reality - and you know what? He does. But lately I feel like I am being called back into the Game. Little by little I am getting more playing time - and I never even asked to be put on the team.

I guess I started out this Lenten season by asking myself "what does it matter?" I started off by trying to figure that out. Well guess what? That lasted a day or so. So here I sit, the day after Easter saying - what does it all mean? What does it matter? God saved me from lying face down on my bed, trying to figure out the best way to end it all - and here I sit acting like it was no big deal. Shouldn't I act like it made a difference, because from where I'm sitting I am better off. Maybe this isn't a question for 11:30 at night. The problem is it has been my question since 11:00 last night, I just now stopped long enough to really ponder on it. Is it good enough just to be a good person? I don't think so. I think that is a good step, but what about the other steps, the one that involve someone bigger than yourself, the hard ones, the ones that ask you to truly commit to something bigger - shouldn't those steps make a difference in how you act, and how you see the world?

Mostly this is just one long run-on sentence - and many jumbled thoughts thrown together on a page. I don't know if I was really headed one direction or another but I guess I said some things I needed to. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to say something trite about how I'll pray about it, or I will read my Bible. Mostly I want to say: How do you expect to get into heaven by playing board games?

Maybe I should make my goal to write more, then maybe I could start getting things sorted out instead of jumbled up. Lucky you.