Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come! 2 Cor 5:17
You would think that my identity crisis had something to do with becoming a student in about a month, or the fact that I'm uprooting from Missouri to become an Oklahoman again - but it doesn't. It has to do with what I do with my free time. Yea, that is what I said, my free time.
First there is this whole movie person I am . . . or was. The last movie I saw was Get Smart, it was late June just a week or two before my fast. The next movie I saw was Julie and Julia (pre-release) on Thursday. My guess is that there were around 384 days in between those two. I saw them both in a theater, the same theater to be exact. Nothing in the physical setting changed, the seats were the same, the smell was the same, the popcorn was the same. Get Smart was fine. Not the best movie to send me off on my journey, and not worth the $7, but whatever. Julie and Julia was great. Good acting, good stories, great way they wove the two lives together, worth $7 (even though I didn't pay it) . . . but I walked away a little distracted. Pride told me to keep going with the no movies and TV thing for as long as I could. Keep up the intrigue that it brings when you tell people what you are doing (or in my case not doing). But I found that I really don't care one way or another if I watch a movie or not. So what does that even mean? I don't care? Since when do I not CARE ABOUT THAT? Before last year I was doing this thing to do a little detox (or at least that is what I told myself). I actually did it to be different, to give people something to balk at. what I didn't expect was to be sitting in my car after my first movie in a year wondering why I didn't really care that I saw it or not. I loved the movie, I just felt it was so temporary. Temporary? The word temporary actually crossed my mind. While a year ago I would have waited on pins and needles waiting for it to come out on DVD so I could add it to my ever growing DVD collection (which now only has about 10 movies in it . . . 120 ish down to 10). Last July The Dark Knight came out. To refresh your memory I actually considered putting off my last year's journey until AFTER this movie came out simply because I wanted to see it so badly. I had been wanting to see it since January and was bummed when they pushed back the release date, and was beside myself wondering what would become of me, the only person on the planet who didn't see it. I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people who didn't see it, but in my world (where I am the center) there was really only one other person I knew that didn't watch it. I had to endure two months of hype by friends, and acquaintances as they talked about the movie, asked me if I saw it, and when I said, "no," listen as they went on to tell me I JUST HAD TO SEE IT! After a bit of that I forgot the movie even came out. I FORGOT IT EVEN EXISTED? Now I am in turmoil. I know what I will be getting myself into when I watch it. I know it will be over the top evil, and probably over the top awesome . . . but I can't say I will see it. And to me that is a bit of a loss, but also SO TEMPORARY. I still can't believe I am using the word temporary.
Second way I am struggling with my identity is this whole running thing. I once said I would never be a runner. You can quote me on that because I posted it right here a year or so ago. March of 2008 to be exact. No, I love running. I'm not good at it, but the more I run the better I get. I have improved from terrible to bad. My identity problem? I'm a runner! When? Why? The other day I found myself saying I ran an easy 2 miles! I don't ever really expect to win any races. I know by saying that that I will never win any races and I should just focus on doing the best I can do, and if the wind is blowing just right I will be in place to take it. (paraphrase of Bill Bowerman). Another identity problem I have with running is that to this point I have been a runner with someone else. Someone else who has pushed me to run faster, run farther, and actually show up to run. This week I have been solo. It went fine the first run. It hasn't gone so well the last two. I think it may have something to do with an injury I think is creeping up on me (but if I don't give it credence then it WILL NOT EXIST!), but I know part of it is the lack of another body running in time with me. I can't look out of the corner of my eye and watch them slow down to stay with me - in turn making me speed up to stay with them. I look out of the corner of my eye and see gravel. I know I will probably find someone to run with again - at least sometimes, but it won't be the same. Yes, I do have a case of PMS (Poor Me Syndrome). The last identity problem - what if I don't continue running after I move. I think I will loose a bit of myself if I don't. Running is a good leveler of emotions, problems, and issues. Heaven only knows that I am entering emotions, problems, and issues. I find myself going to bed at night thinking, "I should take a little run to calm myself down." Sometimes I do. Most times I don't, but what will I do if I don't go running - somehow drinking doesn't seem like a suitable alternative.
So there you have it, my identity crisis. Is it counselor worthy? Nope. But just getting it out of my head and on paper makes it manageable. Why did I open with a verse? Because I think all of these changes are happening because I have made myself open to changing from the One who can actually do the changing.
I think I will go out for a little jog now, to stretch out before my race tomorrow. Who knows, I just might finish well. By the way, my number is 99 (and I just talked about Get Smart).
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