I Don't Know (Part II)

I have been meaning to write for some time, but I don't really have anything to say. I just don't know.

I did discover Death Cab for Cutie last night. I had heard of them for a long time, heard their new song that has gone mainstream (but what can you judge from a song that went mainstream - is that really their sound, or is it just the sound of a few of their songs). So anyway, I went to a Death Cab expert, and found them - I mean their real sound . . . and I love it. Also found Beth Orton and the Decemberists. So new music fun had by me. I was looking at all my music the other day and found that I don't have a favorite kind. I like those that make you think, whose music fits my moods, but then there is some techno mixed in, heavy metal, one or two rap songs, a few country, blue grass, mainstream, and some stuff that doesn't even really have a name. So I don't know what kind of music is really me - maybe I have multiple personalities when it comes to music (or maybe I just have multiple personalities in my life in general).

Work is going very well. I have discovered this whole new side to it and this whole new side to the people I worked with that I had been ignoring. I had ignored the side of them that made them want to work there and made them want to work for my boss. So instead of ignoring it, I asked about it. Seeing what they see was a whole new thing. I might not agree with them on what they see, but knowing that it is there has helped a lot. I have also been working with a few of them on how I am perceived in the office and how I can change that and/or capitalize on it. I am not confident at work and that shows, so that is an area I need to work on. On the other hand I am helpful to others around me, so that is an area to capitalize on. It has been a good growing experience for me, a great time to find my way.

As I find my way, I want less and less to move away. I have been toying with the idea of moving back to Oklahoma. With work not going well, my project with the Bridge at a standstill, and a boy wanting me to move to Tulsa - it was hard not to think about it. But over time I have been doing better at work and liking it more, I heard people talking about the Bridge and it reminded me what I was working for, and the boy . . . well he still wants me to move. But, now he is talking about moving. That in and of itself makes me want to run screaming from the room. Him moving here would signal a commitment, and that is the scariest thing in this world next to squirrels. I realized last night though that what I am afraid of is commitment in the long term. I haven't seen long term commitment carried out much in my life. Short term is in abundance, but no long term. But the reality is that we have had a long term commitment to one another because we have been at this friendship/whatever for 7 years. Would that really change? The second question is, is he the one? Who is the one? Is there one?

Many questions without answers - so I will just listen to music and zone out.