Happy New Year

Every New Year's Eve since I graduated from High School I have spent at home watching movies. A lot of movies. I go to the video rental place and get movies I have never seen (rather than go to my video shelf). I watch from about 7 until around 2. That has been my New Year's tradition. Until last year when I went to a party. Last night I also decided to go to a party. It is the socially acceptable thing to do I suppose. Well I realized last night - I wish I had never broken my tradition. It wasn't the people, they were great. I had some really good conversations - I even talked about life with someone that I rarely see and hardly know . . . and it was a great talk. I talked about writing with my friend that wants to be a writer (and me a secret want to be writer). I talked about new engagements, new arrangements, and new experiences for a new year. But I couldn't make it last. I left by 11:30. Partly, I wasn't feeling that great, partly I just couldn't be social anymore. I found myself wanting that movie night, and realized that is what was wrong last year (I couldn't quite put a finger on what was bothering me last year). Being too much like my dad I made my exit. When my dad decides he doesn't want to be somewhere, or act a certain way - he doesn't. And no matter how much people tell him he just needs to stop and go with the group, he can't do it. And neither can I. I knew if I stayed much longer I would start getting bitchy, and that would just make life for those around me less fun. So, God willing and the creek doesn't rise and I'm alive next year for the New Year's celebration, I will be where I fit best on that night. On the couch, strategically placed for best movie viewing, watching movies. I guess I would miss out on those conversations, but wouldn't I eventually have them?

No resolutions. I think they are dumb. They have a negative connotation, so if you don't follow through you have somehow failed. Well I say just live your life. If you see a place to make a change, then start down that road of change and take it where it leads - bumpy, winding, hilly, treacherous, whatever - you can handle it. You might get off the path for awhile, but it's still there. And you will come out on the other side changed a little. Maybe a little bruised, but better.

I really wanted to smoke all last week. I hate that.