Routers and Wireless Cards (Part II)

Maybe I am not so smart when it comes to wireless cards and routers. Off and on really.

Routers and Wireless Cards

I am writing my first post from my very own computer. It isn't that the computer is new - it is quite old. It is more like I have never had it hooked up to the internet since moving 8 months ago. I have been relying on my roommates computer and kindness. Well I have decided to hook up - nothing bad about my roommates computer or kindness, just a move in the direction of technology. So with router and wireless card in hand I embarked on this journey of computer set up. Was it easy? No. Was it fun? Yes. Did I have help? Absolutely. So, I don't know how it all worked out - I am sure it was from the free tech support that I harvest from work. More later, I have some good thoughts brewing in my head right now. I just don't know where to start with them. Maybe tomorrow while I have some time off.

Avoidance

I have been avoiding his calls for almost a week now. I guess I figure if I don't talk to him then I don't have to end it. I guess now the thing driving me is the idea of a relationship and that is just wrong. The biggest problem is I know he will fight me on it and make me feel like crap for doing it and I don't know if I can face that right now - even though I know it is the right thing to do.

Working Title

I don't really have a title for this page today. I have run out of creativity when it comes to that.

So yippie for the free art museum on Fridays. I have never been to the art museum here so I can say the first time has been the best. I loved it. Maybe with Fridays off I can go every Friday and see something different. I felt like I was running through it, but I was with people I have never hung out with before - so I wasn't really sure what to do. They had all been there before many times so they pointed out their highlights. But I do have a question . . . when did a wire bent in the shape of an octagon become art? Or a fluorescent blue light? Or a piece of metal laying on the ground? Man I missed my calling if that is all it takes for art. I CAN see how it could be considered art because you have to think about it and the meaning . . . so ok, I get it. The photography area was shut down, so that made me sad. I like to look at people who do it right, so I can see how to be better (if I ever pick up a camera again for more than work purposes). Ben and I had a discussion about the African masks - so are the sad and angry ones for night ceremonies, and the smiling ones for Saturday morning ceremonies? Like television. Maybe you had to be there. And how about those 3 caged spheres as you walk in the door - kids are going to see that, come on!

Yippie for Mexican food, so much that I can't eat in one sitting, and have to take home a box for consumption later. And how about pens that click nicely and have smooth writing abilities? Awesome. All in all I had a great time. It has been awhile since I have been out with new people and that in and of itself is so scary that it is fun. As for today . . . Stapling fabric onto partitions and hanging window plastic, and if I get really adventurous I will clean my room and it's surroundings. And now, some quality time with Addie.

All Smiles

I think I was really happy in this picture - don't you? This is for those who say I haven't really smiled in the last 6 months. But I am still mad at being a friend with benefits and no knowing it.

Beneficial Friends

I refuse to be a friend with benefits.

New Year - a reflection of the past

An Email I sent out today about my year - most of you have recieved it, so you are getting it all again!

Dear Friends:

It is a new year and I feel compelled to write to all of you. This is kind of like a Christmas letter, but I don’t do Christmas letters – you all know me well enough to know I don’t do things conventionally.

The past year held quite a few changes and growing opportunities. I am still working with Poynter Landscape (www.poynterlandscape.com). It was a challenging year – it was my first spring with the company, and my first look at what I was capable of. I say see what I am capable of because many times over the last 2 years I have sold myself short, thinking I could never do “this or that”. Due to the extended absence of my immediate boss I was able to do those things I never thought I could do. Experiencing his job first hand helped re-light the fire that has been dying for about a year – seeing all the possibilities that lay before me there and the benefit I can be to them and that they can be for me.

Outside of work I have been involved with a group trying to get a youth center open here in St. Louis. Something I have been dreaming about for around 3 years – a place for skate boarders and BMX bikers, a place for kids who are looked upon as a lost cause because of how they dress or how they chose to spend their free time. There is currently a center like that in Joplin (www.thebridgejoplin.com) and I am working with a group here joining Joplin (www.thebridgestlouis.com). The group is wonderful and we get together, not only to work toward our common goal, but to spend time growing together as a group.

Other than that sort of thing I don’t really know what to report. I am sure you don’t want to read a really long letter about nothing (even if there was once a great show about nothing). I still have Addie. She has settled well into the house and loves going to the dog park – when I take the time to drive out there. I spent the year reading way too many books, watching way too many movies – but that is normal. So onto the top 5 . . .

Top 5 Things (Or Thoughts) That Happened In 2005:
1. Realizing that maybe squirrels could band together and take over the world, causing a rising panic within me when I see one (or watch the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).
2. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise – come on she is my age and has my name, that is just wrong.
3. Having 3 flat tires in one year – I think it might be the 8th sign of the Apocalypse
4. Realizing I can do things that I never thought possible – so give some things a chance
5. Snow – and that I can drive in it because in Missouri they have more than one plow per town.

The Last Day Of 2005

Addie, the Decemberists, and I - a great 4 hours.

Today

I can't say it very often, so I will say it today so it will be on record for all eternity (or at least until this site is no more) . . . I loved my job today! I think I will love it tomorrow to because I am getting a practical joke ready for my boss! And I know the spring will be stressful, so maybe this will be a reminder that not all my work is like those 4 months.

I Don't Know (Part II)

I have been meaning to write for some time, but I don't really have anything to say. I just don't know.

I did discover Death Cab for Cutie last night. I had heard of them for a long time, heard their new song that has gone mainstream (but what can you judge from a song that went mainstream - is that really their sound, or is it just the sound of a few of their songs). So anyway, I went to a Death Cab expert, and found them - I mean their real sound . . . and I love it. Also found Beth Orton and the Decemberists. So new music fun had by me. I was looking at all my music the other day and found that I don't have a favorite kind. I like those that make you think, whose music fits my moods, but then there is some techno mixed in, heavy metal, one or two rap songs, a few country, blue grass, mainstream, and some stuff that doesn't even really have a name. So I don't know what kind of music is really me - maybe I have multiple personalities when it comes to music (or maybe I just have multiple personalities in my life in general).

Work is going very well. I have discovered this whole new side to it and this whole new side to the people I worked with that I had been ignoring. I had ignored the side of them that made them want to work there and made them want to work for my boss. So instead of ignoring it, I asked about it. Seeing what they see was a whole new thing. I might not agree with them on what they see, but knowing that it is there has helped a lot. I have also been working with a few of them on how I am perceived in the office and how I can change that and/or capitalize on it. I am not confident at work and that shows, so that is an area I need to work on. On the other hand I am helpful to others around me, so that is an area to capitalize on. It has been a good growing experience for me, a great time to find my way.

As I find my way, I want less and less to move away. I have been toying with the idea of moving back to Oklahoma. With work not going well, my project with the Bridge at a standstill, and a boy wanting me to move to Tulsa - it was hard not to think about it. But over time I have been doing better at work and liking it more, I heard people talking about the Bridge and it reminded me what I was working for, and the boy . . . well he still wants me to move. But, now he is talking about moving. That in and of itself makes me want to run screaming from the room. Him moving here would signal a commitment, and that is the scariest thing in this world next to squirrels. I realized last night though that what I am afraid of is commitment in the long term. I haven't seen long term commitment carried out much in my life. Short term is in abundance, but no long term. But the reality is that we have had a long term commitment to one another because we have been at this friendship/whatever for 7 years. Would that really change? The second question is, is he the one? Who is the one? Is there one?

Many questions without answers - so I will just listen to music and zone out.

Living

i decided i love living on my own, if for only one reason - when i get christmas presents in the mail i can just open them. if i still lived at home i would have to wait. my mom would get all christmas day on me and make me wait. well, i like just opening, i don't care about the waiting. now there are some people that send me presents to my mom's house, and to you people i say boo on you, because then i have to listen to the talk of waiting, and delayed gratification. well i would say, from life experiences, that i have the delayed gratification down - so give me my packages to open when i want and how i want. i can see waiting if i am going to be with the people who gave them to me. but if you send me something and i know you are not going to be within a 50 mile radius on christmas day, i am opening.

just so you know where i stand on christmas presents (which, by the way, i don't really care about - just talk to me, call me, or send me a card and i will love you forever).

Let Go

Let Go - Barlow Girl

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

Missing

Do you ever think about things a lot. I do. I think about some things for years. I know you think I am exagerating, but I have litterally thought about some things in my life for years. Thinking about them, analyzing them, cutting them down into smaller pieces to digest, putting them back together to make better sense of it all. YEARS! Most times I wish I didn't, I wish I could just feel it, face it, deal with it, and move on. But the other side of that is what happens when you start feeling and can't stop. Today I think I figured out why I do it, but not how to stop it, or if I really want to stop it - because once I loose my mind all I have left is my heart and it is completly broken.

Missing - Everything But The Girl

I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door
But you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
and I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain

Back on the train
I ask 'why did I come again'
Can I confess
I've been hanging 'round your old address
And the years have proved
To offer nothing since you moved
You're long gone
But I can't move on

And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain (and I miss you)

Step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
Past your door I guess you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain

Surrender

What does surrender really mean (and by that, I mean surrender to God)?

More to come . . . but I want your answers first.

What If?

What if I was fake before and now this person that is here is my reality? What if I was just covering up the truth for so long that this is what came out of that? A person who doesn't really know what they want, who they are, or how to relate to others. Is it a fair assumption that maybe that was all fake before, and I am just now discovering who I am and how I fit into this world? What if all the hurt, shame, and guilt that I have felt for so long has made me this way - does it last forever? Or will I emerge on the other side - not really being who I was before, and not really being who I am now? Can I move past the expectations of my family and frends, can I move past their judgement, can I move past my own pain to become that person? It is possible that this point in my life is just a growing pain. A growth that is taking me from who I was to who I will be.

Snow

Snow, and a lot of it (well to me, being from Oklahoma). I am so looking forward to this winter here in St. Louis. Hopefully a lot more snow for the winter!

I Don't Know

I really don't.

Mad World

Arrested Development was so bad last night I turned it off in the middle. I have never been moved to turn it off in the middle. I have said after it was over that it was stupid, but never so stupid to turn it off. It has finally come full circle, from my favorite to one I probably won't give another chance to.

Mad World - Gary Jules (Originally Tears For Fears)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Maybe . . .

i think part of my problem is that it went from "what do you want to do today" to what are you doing today" over night.

just part of the process to let go and hold it all with an open hand instead of a tight grip.

While I Was Out

I do apologize for being absent. It isn't really like you are all sitting on pins and needles waiting for an entry anyway, so quit.

Well I had a great Thanksgiving. I went to see Dad. Every visit gets better and better. I see him so differently now that I have grown up, and he has grown up. It was really good to get away from St. Louis for awhile. I love St. Louis, but everything has it's limit with me, and I had hit it about a month ago. It was good to just get out of town, maybe some of you can relate. Sometimes just a change of scenery can be good.

I feel like things are stale here. This is not a dig at anything, or anyone here - it is all just . . . stale. I feel like I am stuck, not really knowing what to do next. Do I keep working where I work? People keep telling me to quit. Do I go onto something new? But what would that be, I don't know how to do anything else. Do I go back to school? Where would I find the money for that?

I have been itching to see Shop Girl for a month now. I had it all worked out to go, even people who would actually go and see it with me (my taste in movies is not for everyone). The show time I picked no longer exists. It existed this morning, but not now. So I am at a loss. I gear myself up to look forward to something, only to be let down (could that be about more than just the movie?).

I might have more later. Big things happening this weekend - fundraising and visits from my mom, but no Shop Girl.

It did snow here on Thursday. Not enough to stick to the ground, but enough to make me smile.