Mute Math - Typical

Um . . . two video posts in one day - can't be good . . . but this one is.

HEY YA ACOUSTIC

Video quality is poor . . . but I think I might like this version better.

Profound

I feel like I should come here and write - and possibly say something profound. I've got nothing. I spend my days working. While I'm working I think about movie quotes. Current quotes of choice include most (if not all) of the exchanges between Dustin Hoffman and Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction. "Aren't you relieved to know you are not a Gollum?" Add a smattering of "Do anarchists meet?" and "I don't need a patch Penny, I smoke cigarettes." and you have yourself one hell of a day. I like working my job. And I'm not saying that because I had a bad day today and people worry that I might up and quit without warning. I am saying it because I do. In general I like it. I'm doing what I went to school for. Can you say the same thing for yourself? No, you can not. But things always come around for me, and I ask myself the same question - "Isn't there more?" And the answer is - yes, but you just aren't there yet.

Are you the king of anything?
King of anything?
Like king of the lanes at the local bowling alley?
King of the lanes?
King of the lanes? King of the trolls?
King of the trolls?

Gary Jules- Mad World

Don't be alarmed when you see the guy dressed up like a rabbit - it's all part of something much bigger not shown here. Anyway, I had forgotten about this song. I use to listen to it over and over again. And just when I thought I couldn't listen anymore, I would listen again. I heard the song on the radio today and realized I hadn't listened to it for at least a year . . . that is a good sign.

99%

99% of the time it is the best thing in the world to work with all men. The other 1% really sucks.

The Story

I realised that I called my last entry "change", and I also called an entry in November 2005 "change" as well. After awhile they all seem to run together don't they? It is a calendar day when I don't come here and throw up my life all over you and walk away. You only hear the crap, rarely do I come with some happy news.

I have recently been working on some short stories. Well OK, I only have one actually written, another half written (that I'm not sure I will finish, because it makes me just sit and cry) and a third one in my head (that I should just write already or I won't feel any peace). The problem with the unwritten one is that I'm not sure how to be clear. To say what I want to say and still get my point across. Or not have any misunderstandings . . . although I guess every piece of art is open for interpretation. I have a second story in my head that should come out, but quite honestly I don't know if I will ever write it. It would probably be the easiest one of the "unwrittens" in my head, but that would take all the angst out of trying to be a writer - NOW WOULDN'T IT? I'm not sure if these stories will ever actually see that light of day, but I guess that isn't really the point of writing. I still need to finish my story I was writing with another person. The problem is, I think neither one of us really know how to end it. I should just finish it off and get it to press - maybe in time for her birthday. Hey NAD, what do you think of that idea. Lets talk about it.

I have been anxiously awaiting my dad's latest painting. I saw it in the middle stage and was totally captured by it. I thought that he should have just stopped where he was. Leave it unfinished. But as things go in this world - "everything seen is supported by things that are not seen," and that would ruin the mantra if he had left it half done. What is seen would be the unseen and that just isn't done. I love his art - not just because it is done by my dad (but I don't think that hurts), but because it is something that hasn't really been done before . . . or maybe it has, but with my limited knowledge I just don't know it has.

Anyway, change is still in the air - and I don't think I am the only one totally put off by it all. And that is my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Change

I have a lot of change all happening at once . . . and I really hate it. While all these changes have the potential to be good things, I really just want things to stay how they are. There are down sides to every change I am going through, the problem is knowing if the upsides outweigh the down sides. So far they don't. So far the down sides are staring me right in the face every day. Instead of dealing with the down sides and turning them into positives . . . or leaving them behind all together - I am hiding. Hiding in a world I left behind years ago, that took me years to get out of, and has the ability to swallow me up hole and not give me up very easily.

Conversation

This time of year bugs me - the calm before the storm. I know it is coming. The storm actually started last week, but for some reason I stayed in a nice shelter called "Winter List". The thing that really bugs me about right now is that I don't have any conversations. I have passings. I talk to people about things in passing. I don't get to sit down and really listen, or really talk. And in this time, where work around me is going to explode, is when I want to sit and have a conversation the most. And time just doesn't really permit it. When I do have a moment, I'm usually out of it, and don't really know what to say or how to listen. I'm using that down time to regroup for the next day, not pay attention to what you are saying, or what is going on in my head. I noticed tonight, even during the sheltered storm, I had passings with people I really wanted . . . needed to connect with.

You Must Be My Lucky Star . . .

I won't continue on with this particular Madonna song, but I thought it was an appropriate title for this entry:

I just saw a shooting star. I know, to most, it isn't that neat of a thing; but it is to me.

That is all. Thank You.

Catch 22

What do you do when some of the people you have looked up to your entire life show themselves as not worthy of looking up to? Maybe not completely unworthy, but just say and do things that seem entirely out of character. Do you chalk that up to old age, or just a change? Or has that been hiding under the surface the whole time, but they are just now showing it because they are too tired to hide it anymore? What do you do when the person you vowed never to be like, shows you that they might - in fact - be the one you should have modeled yourself after? And then you come to that realization, only to discover you are just like them? Do you feel happy or sad? Happy that you are like them, despite what you thought? Or sad that you didn't know them at all?

That was a use of a lot of words and bad punctuation, to not really say anything at all.

When Harry Met Sally

I just got done watching When Harry Met Sally. I don't think I have watched it since I bought it 2 years ago. I saw it in the store for really cheap. I was headed to a get together and decided to buy it and take it with me. We ended up not watching it (we watched Drop Dead Gorgeous instead . . . always a party favorite), so I brought it home and watched it the next day. Put it on my shelf and forgot I owned it. When I saw it in the mix tonight, I thought it was my roommate's, but it wasn't. So funny. Why are men and women so different, yet can fit together so well (or not fit at all).

I use to have a Harry/Sally relationship. A great friendship that had no where to go. Everyone thought eventually we would wind up together. But we never did. In the end he never realized that I wasn't the consolation prize I was THE prize. I use to be really sad about that. But I think I'm good now.

20 minutes

I have about 20 minutes to get ready for work. Problem, I don't really feel like being active enough to actually perform the tasks required to go. I'm not sick, just blah. It officially started yesterday (the blah) but was creeping up on me about Sunday. I hate the blah, because I generally don't know how to stop it once it gets started, and then one day I wake up and it is gone. So I guess I will just wait for the "one day". As for now I guess I had better go get motivated.

Cracking Up

I'm not really sure this growing up thing is all it is cracked up to be.

Here's To Hindsight

I just finished a book called Here's to Hindsight by Tara Leigh Cobble. She says something in her book that wasn't written for me - it was written for her, but it was like she was sitting there with me talking directly to me.

"When you're in your twenties, your friends will start to get married. You'll be mostly happy alone, but you will long for someone who will laugh with you and lead you and tell you when you're wrong - someone who will beckon you to walk with him to the feet of Jesus, who will challenge the way you think about a lot of things, who will patiently help you to be better."

She said exactly what is in my heart. She spoke to that part of me that wants a person there with me in my bed, not a stack of books. I love being single. I love the freedom to go where I want, when I want. I love the fact that I can be selfish and it really doesn't effect anyone but me. But there is that part of me that wants to be important to someone else. That part that wants to be enough for someone else.

Book Shelf

There is a pile of books on my bed where you should be. I wonder if that will ever change.

More

I suppose it is time to post a little more about Cancun. I'm not sure that anyone really cares about Cancun, but I do. It has been at least 2 years since I have gone somewhere on vacation and felt like the world was ending because my vacation was. I really can only recall 2 or 3 vacations that I can say this, so it is a rarity.

Friday January 26, 2007

Spent most of the day just trying to get to Cancun. Spent the rest on the beach, trying to get the hang of body surfing, looking for shells, and buying 4 pairs of sunglasses (not for me). Stayed up late, ate a lot of food, and consumed a moderate amount of . . . beverages.

Saturday January 27, 2007

Took a bus out to Chichen Itza, a Mayan ruins near Cancun (well not that near, we drove for 3 hours). Saw some amazing architecture, learned many cool facts about the Mayans, and ate some great eggs. No sunglasses were purchased this day.

Sunday January 28, 2007

Went out on a sail boat with a portion of the group. Spent the morning sailing, snorkeling, and looking at the place I want to stay next time I go. Lots of bartering was done at the markets, but no bartering for sunglasses.

Monday January 29, 2007

Came home, and cried because I missed my sandy beaches and the time I spent with my friends there. I don't think I actually cried, but I did feel sad.

Conversational

i haven't been feeling very conversational today. who am i kidding, i haven't felt very conversational since i got back into town on monday. you didn't even know i was going out of town - you say? well that is because i didn't tell you. i went on a vacation. a real vacation. i haven't had a real vacation since i went to alaska about 2 and a half years ago. this time i went somewhere warm - cancun. the reasons i haven't written about cancun are many so i will break it down to pre-trip, trip, and post-trip:

why i didn't write pre-trip:
a. i really couldn't believe i was actually going
2. i was looking forward to a fun time, but i feared that by admitting i was looking forward to a fun time might cause the fun time to not come to pass (strange, i know)
III. i just didn't because i haven't really written much lately

why i didn't write due to the trip:
1. friday i felt like the girl from the caribbean commercials. you know the one - where the parents take the teenager on this cruise to find the "elusive smile". well i didn't all of friday. i felt like such a jerk. here i was in a beautiful location, with some great friends, and i was pissed.
II. saturday and sunday were so great, i don't know how to sum them up. pictures don't do them justice, words can't do them justice, i can't do them justice.

why i didn't write post-trip:
in a word . . . because i was depressed. depressed because i had to come back to the 12 degree weather, and the mundane everyday life, and the quiet of the night with me and my dog.

maybe there is more to write in that post-trip paragraph, but i'm stopping there for now. not really conversational - remember?

two parts

i missed you again, or maybe it was just the idea of you that i missed. sometimes it is hard to tell those two things apart.

and the rest of you - i will give a full report of my weekend as soon as i remember to remember.

Gifts

Have you ever stopped to think about the things in life that you have that you don't deserve. There is no way in heaven or on earth that you should be allowed to have them. You didn't do anything special to get them, they just happened to exist in your life and their is no explanation for them. I am holding in my hand evidence of such a thing. It is a book. The book itself is not what I don't deserve, it is all that book represents.

I guess that is all I really have to say about it. It is cryptic and no one knows what I am talking about. But look for those things in your life. Those things that blindside you on some idle Tuesday. When you notice them, you see yourself and others in a new light - even if it is only for a little while. I am glad that I have such things that I didn't earn, because it makes me want to live up to them; making me a better person.

Anyway. Just saw Night At The Museum. Nothing extraordinary about it. Nothing that takes some time to figure out and find the deeper meaning. Just a movie with a conflict, climax, and resolution. Some of the highlights:
Ricky Gervais . . . better in the Office, but small humorous part.
Dick Van Dyke . . . kicking ass and taking names.
Hearing Ben Stiller having a heart to heart with Attilla the Hun.

it is written

i feel like it is written on every line of my face . . .
in the tone of my voice . . .
and every word that i type.