5 months

yes, i am going to talk about this. sorry.

it has been 5 months to the day since my old job and i parted ways. why do i bring this up? well because this day came upon me like a crushing wave. i know, i'm a drama queen. for the first month or two it was on the forefront of my mind - mostly because i didn't have another job. i had no idea what i wanted to do . . . do what i had been doing, just in a different place, or do something else all together. when the world is wide open for you it is almost harder than when you only have a few options.

anyway, i know i spent the first 3 weeks crying here, crying on the phone, and in person to people who may or may not have wanted to hear all my shit. to them, i say thank you. the next group of people are the ones who stuck it out until i had another job. i wasn't as obsessed with it all as much, but still talked about it on a regular basis - thank you. after awhile i quit talking about it as much. bitter diatribes here and there, pretty much that is still going on. randomly they come out. i don't mean for them to - they just do. it is almost like i have turrets or something, because i can be talking about something totally unrelated and all the sudden this crap will start coming out. so for those of you still keeping track of all that, and still patiently listening, i say thank you. some people got thanked 3 times . . . but i digress.

anyway, the last week or so has seemed harder for some reason. not as bad as the beginning, but not as good as later. i am working with new people now, and they are great people, but not the same. i think i am reaching a point where i am missing those from my old job more than before. maybe it is because i don't see them as much - and i know that over time it will stretch out more and more and more. emails will slow, as will phone calls, and eventually it will be like we were never friends - except for the lessons that they taught me along the way. i hope to god that doesn't happen, but it still plays in my mind that it will. mostly because of my neurotic nature in the end i will make that happen. i sit here as i watch me try to get them to go away and i don't even want to do it. it is like it is this other girl pushing them away, and i am screaming in the background trying to get her to quit pushing.

i don't know where i was headed with this. quite honestly i don't know where i ended up, but i know that i have to stop writing now.