Lately . . .

Lately I have been feeling . . . beyond description. There are moments where I am so happy (or is it happiness, that is another debate), and moments where I am so down, moments where I am a mix of both, moments when I am so angry (but not angry at anyone), and moments where I just feel lost. Mostly the lost part. I am lost in all of it. Wondering from one hour to the next, is it going to be a good hour, or am I going to get mixed up in it all. I watched The Corpse Bride tonight and there was a line that Victoria says that really hit what I have been feeling:
". . . I feel like I'm caught in a tide, being pulled out to sea."
I feel lost in a lot of ways, and I guess that isn't all that unusual. People feel lost all the time. I have been going to counseling lately and the stuff we talk about seems so real, yet so foreign. The things I do in my life all have links to the past. The way I was raised, or the events that happened to me shaped me, gave me my good things, bad things, and quirks. That is fine if you can live with them all - but what if there are things in you that make you really angry? There are things I think about that I don't want to think about. There are things I do that I don't want to do, and no matter how hard I try to stop them I can't. No matter how hard I try to fix them I can't. I left counseling on Tuesday more angry than I had ever been in a very long time. I had to wait to drive, and when I did I took the long way that no one drives on. When I got home I sat in the garage for almost an hour, just sitting angry. I wasn't angry at me (well not at first) I was angry at God. If I don't remember much of my childhood, how can I see what caused the this stuff so I can fix it. Then I was mad at me for being mad at God. How do I get rid of the anger? I am so wrapped up in it. I can't get rid of it, it is like an ugly coat that I can't take off. "Like I'm caught in a tide, being pulled out to sea."

But the best part of that scene is the next line, the reply to Victora from a wise woman:
"The sea leads to many places dearie, maybe you'll land somewhere better."

So that is the goal.