So . . .

So . . . I just had a 3 1/2 hour nap. I think it changed my life. Alright that is a little extreme, it didn't change it, just took about 3 1/2 hours out of it that I can't get back. There was, however, an new concept when it comes to parking garages, and knowing that any building that has sections, shouldn't name the sections A, B, E, R, D - it is just too confusing to find your way because the letters are not in order. So if I had to go to section R I didn't know how far I had to walk and if I was running late if I should run, or what. None of that makes sense, but it is how my dream world works. It works the same way yours does, only way more messed up - for example, once I dreamed I was a princess. Who here knows me? I am about the farthest thing from a princess possible, I rest my case. Or how about my infamous Wal Mart dreams. If you haven't been able to hear about those yet, ask me, they are very interesting. The Wal Mart dreams are the closest I have ever come to a recurring dream - although they are not the same one over and over, they are the same theme over and over. And the oldest dream I remember? This one really tests your friendship status, because I don't know if I have ever really talked about that one. A dream I had when I was about 5. My mom got cut up into little pieces (I didn't see it) and I had to go live with an old fat woman with about 15 kids. They figured she already had so many, what was one more. The kicker, no one told me this was going to happen. I thought it was just a doctors visit. So when I got angry about the fat woman they sewed my mom back together to tell me, then I still left with the fat woman. Man, some really happy thoughts to kick this blog off.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Not really mine, but other people's. It isn't random, just real lately. My brother and sisters grandmother died last week, so that is partly what brought it up. A friend approached the 1 year of her mom, so that didn't help suppress the thoughts. I know I am not suppose to know what to say. There is never the right words anyway. I know that I can't fix it, it isn't my job. But I just get paralyzed by the fact that I might be that person - you know the one who says the dumbest thing that cuts like a knife right to the bone. I wouldn't mean it, I would just say it and could never take it back. When my grandmother died I didn't talk about it. I didn't really have anything to say. But there were people that wanted me to talk it out, and I wanted to poke them in the eye. But even they are not as bad as that person that says something stupid out of a want to be helpful. The thing that sticks out in my mind the most, when it comes to my grandmother, was something my dad did. The history of my family is shaky at best. The relationship problems my brother and sister and I have with my dad have their start in that family my dad grew up in. It took him many years to get out of that life, and many more to try and leave it there. I honestly think he is a lot lighter now because of it, I see it in how we relate, how he relates with my brother and sister, and in one action at the funeral. I was standing as far away from the casket as I could get without looking like I was avoiding it like the plague. Everyone else was milling around close, talking, crying, and comforting - but no one was looking at the casket - except for me. Then I saw my dad make his move. It wasn't sudden, just a slow movement to her. He stood there for a second, touched the lid, gave it a few taps, turned and walked away. Never looking back, and putting the same space between it and him that I had. He doesn't know I saw him. I think the point was for no one to see him. In that one moment he finally put all that past away. Over the years he had been getting rid of all the crap, slowly over time, making him more free and light. But in that one moment, I think the rest of it was gone. Now, I know with death there are even more issues to deal with - but those issues are new, and not so buried and encased with years of hurt and regret and anger.

Lets move onto something light, I am feeling really heavy (if I can use a Back to the Future line). Learned to play Spades on Friday. I mean, I kind of knew how to play, but not how to score it or what to really do. My team won, in case anyone is keeping track. It was a good time. Ate Girl Scout cookies, stale Pringles, and some kickin' Batman candy. I got to play a drum, and I was allowed to play it as loud as I wanted. I got to see the arch from my friends porch, and watch as my bracket got totally destroyed by a Michigan State loss. Yesterday I drank nasty over priced Chai - a thing I loved in college, but can't find anywhere out of that place that makes it very good. The closest I have gotten is by making it myself, and that isn't even very close.

Saw a quote yesterday on a chair in the coffee house that seemed to yell at me. It was my life:
The truth is - living in total chaos is fun - it's thinking about it that stinks!
The problem - how do I stop thinking about it? I think, in the end, I do like living in the chaos. It gives me something to do, something to joke about, but I can't stop thinking about it. Thinking about the fact that living in peace could be better, more freeing.

Alright, I have given you enough to think about for a few days. Most of you quit reading after the first paragraph and skipped down to here anyway. But I will leave you with this final thought: "I'll tell you who should win, who deserves to win is Amber. She is the prettiest, best darn taper, most smartest."