Monday vs. Monday

This Monday night seems miles away from last. Last Monday I was holding onto any shred of sanity to make it through. This Monday I can't believe last week even existed. I feel like God has been trying to talk to me all week - meeting me in the chaos. I haven't been listening. I hear Him in the things people say to me, in the things people do for me; but hearing and listening are two separate things. We talked last night at the Gathering about being still, and being still is hard. I feel like there is so much I am missing without the silence, but the silence is scary. There is so much in my head clawing to get out, it almost hurts. For me writing it out is the easiest way to say what I need to say, to let out those thoughts. But I come here and I look at a blank screen and can't write it out. I pull out my journal and stare at a blank page and listen as it laughs at me. I get on Instant Messenger, because there I can write and talk and get feedback, but I just gloss over all the issues. I keep saying maybe tomorrow I will be still and listen, maybe tomorrow it will claw it's way out. Well tomorrow came and went 7 times, and it is all still there.

Maybe tomorrow.