Movement Explained

This morning I woke up without an alarm. My first thought was: is it Saturday? My second thought was: "oh, yeah". See, yesterday I was told that I was no longer needed to perform the job I had been given a little over 3 years ago. Many words were said, only a few were needed, because I had that feeling that people get when bad news is given - give me the information and let me go process this, because I can't do it here sitting with you staring at me.

I have struggled off and on with my job since day one. Going through times thinking that I would be better off to go somewhere else, and then having those times where I can't imagine working anywhere else. Starting this spring I started getting into that part of my life where I wasn't sure where I should be, if that was really the place for me. That feeling never went away. I was in the process of steps that would help me make a true decision once and for all. These steps included:

• Trying to schedule a meeting with the owner and my direct boss to have a performance review, something that hadn't happened in about 2 years.
• Trying to only work 40 hours a week. By doing that I was reclaiming my life outside of the office. In the process I had to loose my carpool. In looking back on that decision - it made work harder.

There were other minor steps that I was taking, mostly they included not being negative about work when I wasn't there, and trying to do the job I was given the best way I could. After all that I still felt like maybe this wasn't the place for me to be. I set myself and a few others to be praying for me. Praying that I would know what to do next. That I would be able to know if I should leave, where I should go, and how I should handle it. I have so many great friends at my workplace, that I didn't want to damage any of those relationships. I didn't want to burn any bridges, and I didn't want to leave them in a jam until they found someone to take my place.

I will not go into the details of why I don't work there. I take responsibility for those things that I did wrong, I also acknowledge I don't have all the skills they were looking for - but then the question has to be asked: why was I hired if that was a problem?

At first I was devastated. It was honestly a big surprise, coming at me from left field without warning. As the night wore on I began to see that I was now free to do whatever I want (as long as it doesn't conflict with the non compete clause I signed). So today is a new day. I am jobless, but I am not homeless, penny less, or going hungry. It is a day to start over. To sort out my feelings and my thoughts. A day to write it all down so I don't leave anything out. A day to find what the next step is, because I don't really know what that step might be. I feel energized and actually a bit excited about these next few months of my life. A time where I can see what I am really made of. This has cut through all the bull shit that I have hidden behind for years and cut to the core of who I am what I want to be. I may not be able to save my reputation there as someone who walks around with a chip on their shoulder, or that I am poor at customer service - but I can build my new reputation as I walk out in faith today.

M.