Friends

I have been going back and forth about this entry all day. That is right, I have thought about this ALL DAY. I don't think what I am going to say now is close to what I was going to say then, but we will see.

When I was growing up I had a lot of friends. I mean, I was friends with EVERYBODY. It was easier that way. Being friends with everyone meant you didn't have to share a lot about who you truly were because you had so many different friends that they just figured that you shared that inner most stuff with someone else. It was also great to have many different friends with many different tastes and activities that you never had to settle into one thing. If I was with the drama kids I could be dramatic. If I didn't feel like being a Drama Queen (shut up, it CAN happen) then I could hang out with the science and math wizards. Don't feel scholarly - go hang out with the pot smokers. I lived that life for a long time. Probably lived it until I was about half way through college. Not a good time to decide to find out who you really are - because by that time you can get yourself into a lot of trouble in your search. I settled into a rhythm when I moved to St. Louis. No one here knew me, so I could be me and no one would question it because they didn't know me any differently. This is the first place I found friends that I really connected with on a true and healthy level. At that level you start to invest in people. Those friends become a part of you somehow. I have said of some of my friends here - they are the family I chose. And I truly believe that. Some of my friends here have become like family to me - closer than the brothers and sisters I really do have.

Now . . . well now I might have to leave. I might have to leave and never come back but for visits. I might get to leave and be back in a year or two. OR, I might not leave at all. At this point everything is too much in the air for me to take a guess. I don't want to guess, because it is too painful to think of the leaving part. It would be like ripping my arm off and saying "see how you handle life without that arm." I don't know if I can leave these people and not loose a huge chunk of my heart on my way down the road.

I'm crying just thinking about it.