Sometimes

In the last 2 months a lot of things have happened. You have sat here listening to my joy, groans, rants, crys, and apathy about the those events - and for those of you who stuck with me through it all I have just one thing to say to you, "WHY?" And another thing to say to you, "THANK YOU!"

When I look back I can't believe what a ride it has been. On the one hand, I know that it was one of the best things to happen to me. For one thing, I survived it. For another it forced me to take a long hard look at where I was headed and where I ultimately wanted to be. Those two places weren't going to be the same if I stayed there. It pushed me, it changed me, it humbled me, it made me grow up a little. I say it made me grow up "a little" because I don't ever think I will completely grow up and act like an adult, I'm too selfish and needy for that. I enjoy the things I do with my time now - both at jobs and away from them. The hours really suck sometimes. Like when you really want to hang out with a friend, but you are working every night of the week, and working every day of the weekend. But I like going to The Bridge office 3 days a week. I enjoy the major, minor, and sometimes indistinguishable steps we make every day. I enjoy working with the family 2 nights a week getting their office organized, and getting them set up to do really great things once they optimize their time and energy. I REALLY enjoy going to Dick's at night and on the weekends and working with kids, climbing walls, and interacting with a whole new set of people that I would have never met had I not taken the job. I enjoy learning Photo Shop and even Dreamweaver. I enjoy the prospect of working for myself some - maybe not exclusively, but for some of my pay. The worry about taxes and money sort of fades into the background when I think about where I am headed.

There are days when I look back and see the other hand. The other hand holding the fact that I lost a job. Lost a good job that had the potential to be a great job. I lost the time with those people that I loved to see every day. Now I have to work that time in around my schedule and theirs. I can't just hop in the other room and say hello at any point of the day. I have to shoot an email and wait. I can't play a week long chess game, moving a piece here and there when I walk by the board on my way to lunch. I don't have split time, car pool, batting practice, or random movies made with the work video camera. I look back and remember the feeling I had when they told me I was through. For a person that lives off of performance and the approval of others it was a killer. The days where I am going to work at 6 in the evening knowing that is something people do when they are working their way through college, not after having a 9-5 job for 3 years.

Thankfully, the first hand wins out more than the second. I have had more comments in the past 3 weeks about what a difference they have seen in me. Some people don't even know what happened. They have no idea that I lost my real job and I am now working 3 jobs (some days they are all 3 worked in the same day), they just know that there is something different. Slowly I have begun to take back things that I once loved while I worked there. I use to eat Life cereal every morning when I got to work. It took me a month to start eating it again. I finally went through my box of stuff I had from the office, started playing with the toys that I had at my desk (and one that was given to me on my way out the door). I finally read all the stuff that was mailed to me from them - and threw it away. One thing I am having a hard time with is the actual task of designing a landscape. For one thing I'm not really suppose to be doing any residential design due to a non-compete clause, and for another I don't want to. A friend of mine wants me to design their yard and possibly do the work. I have the potential from that to make a good amount of money - but I don't want to do it at all. It isn't that I think I will do a bad job, or that they won't like it once it goes in, I just don't want to survey it, draw it, design it, or really think about it at all. I want someone else to do it. I know I have that skill, and I worked long and hard to get that skill - but I don't care. It has also been hinted around that I could stay on with them and do the maintenance and upkeep on it once it gets done (lets just say it isn't a small project). I just smile and don't really say much. What do you say to people who are handing you money to do something that you do really well . . . but that you can't bring yourself to do. Is this apart of healing, or is it a part of life?

I have rambled on far too long for any one to have read to this sentence. If you did - I should give you a prize. You tell me what you want, and I will try to provide.