Selfish

I realized today just how absolutely and unabashedly selfish I am. It was a sad realization.

Fritters

I ate an apple fritter today for breakfast. It reminds me of my grandmother - she use to buy them for me on special mornings. Well the mornings themselves weren't special, it wasn't like my birthday or something - it just became special BECAUSE she bought me one. I guess I needed to feel special . . . it didn't quite work. It just made me cry because it is all she can do to just get out of bed, and no apple fritter is going to fix it.

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

I never thought I would say it, but Gloria was right - the rhythm IS gonna get me. I really should say the lack of rhythm is gonna get me. After my move on Saturday (in the rain, no less) I have had trouble finding my rhythm. I still struggle with when to go to bed, when to get up, where to find this, where to find that, where to put this (and that), what time to leave for work, what time to come home from work, why is it so quiet on the drive, what is my address, what is my phone number, am I walking Addie enough, am I walking Addie too much, am I using my time wisely, hey look the Indians are on TV.

As you can see none of that is major, I just am without rhythm. I'm hoping after the weekend most of my stuff will be unpacked and I will have a week of drive time under my belt, it will be easier. Not all of my struggle is in the move itself, just some of the consequences of moving to a different part of town. No more car pool, longer drive, more time away from the house . . . all leave me struggling. One of my biggest struggle is the drive. I have been carpooling for about a year with a friend of mine. It was good . . . it was great. "We have so much in common. We both love soup. We could talk, or not talk. We could not talk for hours, and still find things to not talk about." No really, we did have a good time. We talked about work (even though it was on the black list of topics), we talked about life, Heroes, family, or nothing at all. That is gone now. Not that I don't see him at work, but it is just harder - because we don't have that span of time that we aren't working to actually talk, or not talk. I guess I will get use to it, but for now it really sucks. Another hitch in the rhythm is my dog. I have a longer drive, meaning a longer time away from the house, meaning a long time she has to spend by herself. Sometimes I feel like I am bordering on cruelty. I think she is fine, she is a dog - but still where is the real line? A PETA person would say I am borderline torturing the dog, and another may say I'm spending too much time. I'm really looking for the in between.

I am starting to ramble. The story of my life.

Light Sabers . . . And Other Thoughts

Huzzah! I found my Light Saber Spoon tonight! I am in the process of moving, and in a round about way I thought I had lost it forever. But that was not true, I just wasn't looking hard enough. Other than the fact that I hate moving and my packing has turned into more of a - throw in a box and hope for the best - it is almost over. I don't think that last sentence made any sense, but I am too tired to fix it.

Other thoughts from the past week (in no particular order):

• The new Killers CD is growing on me. I didn't think I would like it after the first listen.
• One and a half weeks until the new Heroes
• Glemonex would be much better if it came without all the gay overtones
• David Spade use to be funnier . . . or my taste in humor changed
• I will soon drive enough in one day to watch a movie while I drive

I had many more thoughts that were funnier when I had them. Maybe one day I will remember them, but for now, you are stuck with these.

Easter

Easter has come and gone . . . that means Lent has come and gone. This was the first Easter I didn't spend with my family. And it was the most depressing. Not only because I wasn't with them, but because I was pretty sick, so instead of being with them I spent it in bed instead of finding people to be with to help me snap out of it. It was also depressing because this was the first Easter that I felt like I wanted to really be involved in the whole story and really focus on what it all really means and I totally blew it off.

I know some people that took Lent very seriously. I was going to be one of them. A few Bloggers I follow decided to do something very radical over the Lenten season - they wrote every day. Another artist decided to paint a watercolor every day. I, on the other hand, let Lent pass by without one thought about more than myself. I don't think I can even tell you the last time I prayed or read one bit of the Bible if it wasn't plastered in front of my face at church. I can't tell you the last church service I went to voluntarily during Lent, or one time I ever thought about God as something more than a big thing in the sky. I guess that is why this Easter seemed like such a disappointment. Not because of Lent, and my lack of focus - but just because of me in general. For awhile now, I have played the game. The church game. A game I vowed never to play again. My high school years were devoted to the Game. Going because I was "suppose to", saying things like, "I will pray for you," because it was what you said. That was how the Game was played. Then something happened, and I realized that I didn't want to play the Game anymore . . . because it was just a Game. I wanted to live life, and the life I chose didn't have room for church, or prayer, or God. My life only had room for me and what I wanted to do - and believe me, I did it. It took me about a year to figure out that my life had to include God, or I wasn't going to make it. Laying face down on my bed - with everything I wanted at my fingertips - trying to figure out if I had enough pills that would do it, or if I could actually wrap my car around a tree. That was the moment I knew that it wasn't going to work out my way. I am not saying that that is how God gets every body's attention - that is how he had to get mine. The problem was I didn't want to play the Game, I wanted God to fit into reality - and you know what? He does. But lately I feel like I am being called back into the Game. Little by little I am getting more playing time - and I never even asked to be put on the team.

I guess I started out this Lenten season by asking myself "what does it matter?" I started off by trying to figure that out. Well guess what? That lasted a day or so. So here I sit, the day after Easter saying - what does it all mean? What does it matter? God saved me from lying face down on my bed, trying to figure out the best way to end it all - and here I sit acting like it was no big deal. Shouldn't I act like it made a difference, because from where I'm sitting I am better off. Maybe this isn't a question for 11:30 at night. The problem is it has been my question since 11:00 last night, I just now stopped long enough to really ponder on it. Is it good enough just to be a good person? I don't think so. I think that is a good step, but what about the other steps, the one that involve someone bigger than yourself, the hard ones, the ones that ask you to truly commit to something bigger - shouldn't those steps make a difference in how you act, and how you see the world?

Mostly this is just one long run-on sentence - and many jumbled thoughts thrown together on a page. I don't know if I was really headed one direction or another but I guess I said some things I needed to. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to say something trite about how I'll pray about it, or I will read my Bible. Mostly I want to say: How do you expect to get into heaven by playing board games?

Maybe I should make my goal to write more, then maybe I could start getting things sorted out instead of jumbled up. Lucky you.

Saved

I watched Saved tonight. I put off watching it for 3 years, simply because I wasn't quite sure how I would handle it. I think it makes very interesting points and brings up a lot more questions about what it truly means to say you are saved. Maybe I will talk about this more . . . maybe I won't. Sometimes it takes me a few days to process some of this stuff.

Tony Hale

Here is the deal. I watched Andy Barker P.I. tonight because Tony Hale is in it. Tony Hale is hilarious - you might remember him as Buster from Arrested Development, and most recently a bit part in Stranger Than Fiction. Anyway, I wanted to like Andy Barker P.I. but I just couldn't do it. I wanted so much to like it, but I can't. Just like I tried likeing the Number 23, but it just didn't pan out that way. I want something that Hale does to pan out . . . but so far not so much. Arrested Development did have a good 3 season run but that time has passed and I'm just trying to move on. Same thing with that Teachers show about a year ago with Justin Bartha. I wanted to like it because of Bartha but the rest of the show sucked. Who am I kidding - he did too but I was blinded by the Bartha love.

Anyway, posting a video here of a Mad TV clip with a character named Adam. I thought it was funny, except the longer I watched it the more I realized I am like his girlfriend on the clip. Anyway, funny clip.

MADtv - Adam Tells A Story

Lost

She walked into the small room to find utter destruction. She had never seen anything like it in her life. She was use to things not being the same week after week, but this was different. This was like someone was moving and didn't tell her. This . . . well this all made her feel lost. As she sat down the full impact of what was happening hit her all at once. Her surroundings were different, and the only sure thing she knew was the computer. At least the computer wasn't gone - but that is about all she could say for her situation. The little room looked a lot like her life felt. The things that were still there were in the right spots, but other things were just gone - with no explanation of where they had gone or why. Her life was changing around her just like this room leaving her with one thought - "I have never been so lost."