11.22.2005
My New Couch
Well gang, I found a couch - a real one. It is more of a loveseat than a couch. The throw pillows are made of some soft fabric. I just want to rub my whole face with them. The draw back to the pillows is I don't know what they are filled with, but it isn't squishy, but crinkly. The other person in the room with my couch is very kind, and wise. She knows the right questions and lets me figure out the answers in my own time, not rushing me. If I need to just sit - I can. If I need to talk - I can. One interesting thought from the night - "Are you just using your depression as a tool to not feel anything? Is it just something that you can use as an excuse for why you are not where you are in your life?" So maybe you all don't really get that question, but I do - and the answer has been hiding from me ever since the question was asked. Do I use it as a tool, a cover for other things? Maybe, maybe not, but it does raise a lot of interesting thoughts.
11.21.2005
Sick
I feel sick, but at what point can I really call in and miss today? I mean I am only working two days this week anyway, and can't trade one day for another - unless I go to work on Sunday, which isn't really a stretch anymore.
What am I saying. It will pass by noon.
What am I saying. It will pass by noon.
11.18.2005
Wires
Wires ~ Athlete
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running down corridors Through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood, on my fingertip
Running down corridors
Through automatic floors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Alright
Running ... down corridors, through, automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
I see hope is here, in a plastic box,
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes,
Down corridors, through automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
First night of your life, curled up on your own,
Looking at you now, you would never know
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running down corridors Through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood, on my fingertip
Running down corridors
Through automatic floors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Alright
Running ... down corridors, through, automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
I see hope is here, in a plastic box,
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes,
Down corridors, through automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
First night of your life, curled up on your own,
Looking at you now, you would never know
11.16.2005
Area 51
I found this great place to watch short films by directors that many people haven't heard of (and some you have, you just had no idea). Here is one for Aaron Ruell (Kip) http://area51films.com/ruell/
11.15.2005
Tick
I have noticed over the past couple of weeks that I have developed a tick of sorts. It isn't like a facial tick, or a spasm of any sort; but more of a rhythm. I start rocking or moving in a rhythm, or move my arm in a rhythm. I noticed it last night with my finger on my leg. I think it is a comfort thing. I don't care what it is, I don't like it. It means I am just one step closer to a breakdown.
11.13.2005
Trouble
Trouble - Coldplay
O no, I see, I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this? A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.
O no I see, A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,
Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.
O no, I see, I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this? A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.
O no I see, A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,
Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.
Elanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Change
I want you to know that I am happy for you. I am probably the happiest for you for this new thing you have going on in your life. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck at the same time. It is change, and as we all know I don't like change (unless it has monetary value). I wish change was cut out of this world all together. I know change is necessary, I know change is inevtitable, I know change - in the end - will be good . . . but that doesn't mean I have to like it. So, can I be happy for you and be sad at the same time? I mean, does that really work? I hope it does because that is where I am. And I don't want you to tone it down, I don't want to restrict you, because I see it in you - you are happy and I don't want to put a limit on that.
11.12.2005
Addie
This is my dog Addie (she's the one on the right). She doesn't like to have her picture taken, that is why she looks shy. Addie is just like me except she was born a dog. I found her at a pet adoption place a little over a year ago, and can not imagine my life without her (isn't that kind of sad). When I got Addie she was really shy. She still comes to be pet with her head down, unsure of what will happen. When she first meets people she is very stand-offish, but once she gets to know you she won't quit. She is unsure of herself, a little self-conscious and loves naps. She hates it when people mess with those she loves, and she is not too sure how she feels about kids. She loves to eat and take long naps, or to just stare out the window at nothing in particular. She is quite content to just sit by me not saying anything, just sitting.
Sound like anyone you know?
Traffic Jam
I feel like I should write something here - something besides another persons post, or a short sentence about nothing in particular. Show of hands of people who actually read this - that's what I thought.
Moving right along.
I feel like my head is in a traffic jam. I have so many different thoughts and feelings and they all kind of get trapped at an intersection, or a bottle neck on the highway. Nothing can really come out of it all, everything is just waiting for their turn. In that traffic jam are the thoughts or feelings that are angry drivers. The thoughts that are pissed for being stuck and take it out on every other thought around it. Many of my thoughts and feelings are at odds with each other. I have a feeling, but there is a thought that knows that feeling is crap. Who will win that battle, and does it even matter? I was told that feelings are valid, but are they really? What if you have a feeling that you know is wrong, or that there isn't something quite right about it. Is it still valid? I guess maybe it isn't valid, but it is real - I really have this feeling of anger, jealousy, greed, lust, or whatever - but it doesn't make it right. So then the thought comes that it isn't right, so the obvious solution is to fight it. Causing a wreck in the already tight traffic jam.
Where am I going with this you might ask. Well the answer is quite simple - I have no idea. I guess what I am saying is this. I have feelings of anger, I have feelings of jealousy, I have feelings of greed, I have feelings of lust, I have feelings of inadequacy, I have feelings of happiness even. I do believe they are all real but not valid. There are feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, etc. That I have that I know in my head aren't right. I shouldn't feel them, yet I do. So that makes me feel stupid. Why should I have those feelings, they aren't right, they shouldn't be there.
So basically this post is about saying everything twice, and neither time is less confusing than the other.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I haven't felt doubt. Doubt in any decision, any feeling, any thought, any relationship. So how can I be sure in those decisions, feelings, thoughts, or relationships. And in the end who is going to stick around while I figure that out?
Moving right along.
I feel like my head is in a traffic jam. I have so many different thoughts and feelings and they all kind of get trapped at an intersection, or a bottle neck on the highway. Nothing can really come out of it all, everything is just waiting for their turn. In that traffic jam are the thoughts or feelings that are angry drivers. The thoughts that are pissed for being stuck and take it out on every other thought around it. Many of my thoughts and feelings are at odds with each other. I have a feeling, but there is a thought that knows that feeling is crap. Who will win that battle, and does it even matter? I was told that feelings are valid, but are they really? What if you have a feeling that you know is wrong, or that there isn't something quite right about it. Is it still valid? I guess maybe it isn't valid, but it is real - I really have this feeling of anger, jealousy, greed, lust, or whatever - but it doesn't make it right. So then the thought comes that it isn't right, so the obvious solution is to fight it. Causing a wreck in the already tight traffic jam.
Where am I going with this you might ask. Well the answer is quite simple - I have no idea. I guess what I am saying is this. I have feelings of anger, I have feelings of jealousy, I have feelings of greed, I have feelings of lust, I have feelings of inadequacy, I have feelings of happiness even. I do believe they are all real but not valid. There are feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, etc. That I have that I know in my head aren't right. I shouldn't feel them, yet I do. So that makes me feel stupid. Why should I have those feelings, they aren't right, they shouldn't be there.
So basically this post is about saying everything twice, and neither time is less confusing than the other.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I haven't felt doubt. Doubt in any decision, any feeling, any thought, any relationship. So how can I be sure in those decisions, feelings, thoughts, or relationships. And in the end who is going to stick around while I figure that out?
11.11.2005
Fasting
Why can't I just keep my flipping mouth shut? I read about a talking fast once, maybe I should go on one. Learn that I can't just say the first thing that pops into my head.
11.08.2005
11.07.2005
Time
I just sent myself an email next year. That sentence might not seem grammatically correct, but it is. I sent myself an email that I will receive next year. It is like a time capsule, but with words. I asked a bunch of questions that I hope have answers in a year - like did I get a couch. Today is pretty much indescribable, so I will just leave it at that - maybe tomorrow will be better.
11.03.2005
Now What?
Well, after my "Darth Vader" post I became the proud owner of Star Wars Episode III. I got it as a gift, because I have no money. The fact that I have no money bothers me, the fact that I got a gift bothers me.
The fact that I have no money and that bothers me should not be a shocker. A lot of people don't enjoy lacking for money. My problem is I rarely buy anything or do anything so where is all my money going. In a word "GAS." Gas cost is going down, but for how long? Will it be worse next summer? If it is I will have to find a new place to work where I can ride my bike.
The fact that I got a gift and that bothers me should send up a huge red flag. Basically I can't let people love me, I can't let people be nice to me. Somewhere along the timeline that is my life I became skeptical of others and them doing nice things for me and really skeptical of those who show their love for me. Like there is some sort of a catch. But kindness has no catch, the movie has no catch, and love REALLY doesn't have a catch if you read Corinthians. How am I going to make it in this world if I am doing it on my own, not letting anyone in, pushing everyone away?
The fact that I have no money and that bothers me should not be a shocker. A lot of people don't enjoy lacking for money. My problem is I rarely buy anything or do anything so where is all my money going. In a word "GAS." Gas cost is going down, but for how long? Will it be worse next summer? If it is I will have to find a new place to work where I can ride my bike.
The fact that I got a gift and that bothers me should send up a huge red flag. Basically I can't let people love me, I can't let people be nice to me. Somewhere along the timeline that is my life I became skeptical of others and them doing nice things for me and really skeptical of those who show their love for me. Like there is some sort of a catch. But kindness has no catch, the movie has no catch, and love REALLY doesn't have a catch if you read Corinthians. How am I going to make it in this world if I am doing it on my own, not letting anyone in, pushing everyone away?
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