12.29.2005
Today
I can't say it very often, so I will say it today so it will be on record for all eternity (or at least until this site is no more) . . . I loved my job today! I think I will love it tomorrow to because I am getting a practical joke ready for my boss! And I know the spring will be stressful, so maybe this will be a reminder that not all my work is like those 4 months.
12.28.2005
I Don't Know (Part II)
I have been meaning to write for some time, but I don't really have anything to say. I just don't know.
I did discover Death Cab for Cutie last night. I had heard of them for a long time, heard their new song that has gone mainstream (but what can you judge from a song that went mainstream - is that really their sound, or is it just the sound of a few of their songs). So anyway, I went to a Death Cab expert, and found them - I mean their real sound . . . and I love it. Also found Beth Orton and the Decemberists. So new music fun had by me. I was looking at all my music the other day and found that I don't have a favorite kind. I like those that make you think, whose music fits my moods, but then there is some techno mixed in, heavy metal, one or two rap songs, a few country, blue grass, mainstream, and some stuff that doesn't even really have a name. So I don't know what kind of music is really me - maybe I have multiple personalities when it comes to music (or maybe I just have multiple personalities in my life in general).
Work is going very well. I have discovered this whole new side to it and this whole new side to the people I worked with that I had been ignoring. I had ignored the side of them that made them want to work there and made them want to work for my boss. So instead of ignoring it, I asked about it. Seeing what they see was a whole new thing. I might not agree with them on what they see, but knowing that it is there has helped a lot. I have also been working with a few of them on how I am perceived in the office and how I can change that and/or capitalize on it. I am not confident at work and that shows, so that is an area I need to work on. On the other hand I am helpful to others around me, so that is an area to capitalize on. It has been a good growing experience for me, a great time to find my way.
As I find my way, I want less and less to move away. I have been toying with the idea of moving back to Oklahoma. With work not going well, my project with the Bridge at a standstill, and a boy wanting me to move to Tulsa - it was hard not to think about it. But over time I have been doing better at work and liking it more, I heard people talking about the Bridge and it reminded me what I was working for, and the boy . . . well he still wants me to move. But, now he is talking about moving. That in and of itself makes me want to run screaming from the room. Him moving here would signal a commitment, and that is the scariest thing in this world next to squirrels. I realized last night though that what I am afraid of is commitment in the long term. I haven't seen long term commitment carried out much in my life. Short term is in abundance, but no long term. But the reality is that we have had a long term commitment to one another because we have been at this friendship/whatever for 7 years. Would that really change? The second question is, is he the one? Who is the one? Is there one?
Many questions without answers - so I will just listen to music and zone out.
I did discover Death Cab for Cutie last night. I had heard of them for a long time, heard their new song that has gone mainstream (but what can you judge from a song that went mainstream - is that really their sound, or is it just the sound of a few of their songs). So anyway, I went to a Death Cab expert, and found them - I mean their real sound . . . and I love it. Also found Beth Orton and the Decemberists. So new music fun had by me. I was looking at all my music the other day and found that I don't have a favorite kind. I like those that make you think, whose music fits my moods, but then there is some techno mixed in, heavy metal, one or two rap songs, a few country, blue grass, mainstream, and some stuff that doesn't even really have a name. So I don't know what kind of music is really me - maybe I have multiple personalities when it comes to music (or maybe I just have multiple personalities in my life in general).
Work is going very well. I have discovered this whole new side to it and this whole new side to the people I worked with that I had been ignoring. I had ignored the side of them that made them want to work there and made them want to work for my boss. So instead of ignoring it, I asked about it. Seeing what they see was a whole new thing. I might not agree with them on what they see, but knowing that it is there has helped a lot. I have also been working with a few of them on how I am perceived in the office and how I can change that and/or capitalize on it. I am not confident at work and that shows, so that is an area I need to work on. On the other hand I am helpful to others around me, so that is an area to capitalize on. It has been a good growing experience for me, a great time to find my way.
As I find my way, I want less and less to move away. I have been toying with the idea of moving back to Oklahoma. With work not going well, my project with the Bridge at a standstill, and a boy wanting me to move to Tulsa - it was hard not to think about it. But over time I have been doing better at work and liking it more, I heard people talking about the Bridge and it reminded me what I was working for, and the boy . . . well he still wants me to move. But, now he is talking about moving. That in and of itself makes me want to run screaming from the room. Him moving here would signal a commitment, and that is the scariest thing in this world next to squirrels. I realized last night though that what I am afraid of is commitment in the long term. I haven't seen long term commitment carried out much in my life. Short term is in abundance, but no long term. But the reality is that we have had a long term commitment to one another because we have been at this friendship/whatever for 7 years. Would that really change? The second question is, is he the one? Who is the one? Is there one?
Many questions without answers - so I will just listen to music and zone out.
12.18.2005
Living
i decided i love living on my own, if for only one reason - when i get christmas presents in the mail i can just open them. if i still lived at home i would have to wait. my mom would get all christmas day on me and make me wait. well, i like just opening, i don't care about the waiting. now there are some people that send me presents to my mom's house, and to you people i say boo on you, because then i have to listen to the talk of waiting, and delayed gratification. well i would say, from life experiences, that i have the delayed gratification down - so give me my packages to open when i want and how i want. i can see waiting if i am going to be with the people who gave them to me. but if you send me something and i know you are not going to be within a 50 mile radius on christmas day, i am opening.
just so you know where i stand on christmas presents (which, by the way, i don't really care about - just talk to me, call me, or send me a card and i will love you forever).
just so you know where i stand on christmas presents (which, by the way, i don't really care about - just talk to me, call me, or send me a card and i will love you forever).
12.16.2005
Let Go
Let Go - Barlow Girl
Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down
But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?
'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own
And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone
'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down
But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?
'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own
And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone
'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
12.13.2005
Missing
Do you ever think about things a lot. I do. I think about some things for years. I know you think I am exagerating, but I have litterally thought about some things in my life for years. Thinking about them, analyzing them, cutting them down into smaller pieces to digest, putting them back together to make better sense of it all. YEARS! Most times I wish I didn't, I wish I could just feel it, face it, deal with it, and move on. But the other side of that is what happens when you start feeling and can't stop. Today I think I figured out why I do it, but not how to stop it, or if I really want to stop it - because once I loose my mind all I have left is my heart and it is completly broken.
Missing - Everything But The Girl
I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door
But you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
and I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
Back on the train
I ask 'why did I come again'
Can I confess
I've been hanging 'round your old address
And the years have proved
To offer nothing since you moved
You're long gone
But I can't move on
And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain (and I miss you)
Step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
Past your door I guess you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Missing - Everything But The Girl
I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door
But you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
and I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
Back on the train
I ask 'why did I come again'
Can I confess
I've been hanging 'round your old address
And the years have proved
To offer nothing since you moved
You're long gone
But I can't move on
And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain (and I miss you)
Step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
Past your door I guess you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
12.11.2005
Surrender
What does surrender really mean (and by that, I mean surrender to God)?
More to come . . . but I want your answers first.
More to come . . . but I want your answers first.
12.08.2005
What If?
What if I was fake before and now this person that is here is my reality? What if I was just covering up the truth for so long that this is what came out of that? A person who doesn't really know what they want, who they are, or how to relate to others. Is it a fair assumption that maybe that was all fake before, and I am just now discovering who I am and how I fit into this world? What if all the hurt, shame, and guilt that I have felt for so long has made me this way - does it last forever? Or will I emerge on the other side - not really being who I was before, and not really being who I am now? Can I move past the expectations of my family and frends, can I move past their judgement, can I move past my own pain to become that person? It is possible that this point in my life is just a growing pain. A growth that is taking me from who I was to who I will be.
Snow
Snow, and a lot of it (well to me, being from Oklahoma). I am so looking forward to this winter here in St. Louis. Hopefully a lot more snow for the winter!
12.06.2005
Mad World
Arrested Development was so bad last night I turned it off in the middle. I have never been moved to turn it off in the middle. I have said after it was over that it was stupid, but never so stupid to turn it off. It has finally come full circle, from my favorite to one I probably won't give another chance to.
Mad World - Gary Jules (Originally Tears For Fears)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Mad World - Gary Jules (Originally Tears For Fears)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
12.03.2005
Maybe . . .
i think part of my problem is that it went from "what do you want to do today" to what are you doing today" over night.
just part of the process to let go and hold it all with an open hand instead of a tight grip.
just part of the process to let go and hold it all with an open hand instead of a tight grip.
12.02.2005
While I Was Out
I do apologize for being absent. It isn't really like you are all sitting on pins and needles waiting for an entry anyway, so quit.
Well I had a great Thanksgiving. I went to see Dad. Every visit gets better and better. I see him so differently now that I have grown up, and he has grown up. It was really good to get away from St. Louis for awhile. I love St. Louis, but everything has it's limit with me, and I had hit it about a month ago. It was good to just get out of town, maybe some of you can relate. Sometimes just a change of scenery can be good.
I feel like things are stale here. This is not a dig at anything, or anyone here - it is all just . . . stale. I feel like I am stuck, not really knowing what to do next. Do I keep working where I work? People keep telling me to quit. Do I go onto something new? But what would that be, I don't know how to do anything else. Do I go back to school? Where would I find the money for that?
I have been itching to see Shop Girl for a month now. I had it all worked out to go, even people who would actually go and see it with me (my taste in movies is not for everyone). The show time I picked no longer exists. It existed this morning, but not now. So I am at a loss. I gear myself up to look forward to something, only to be let down (could that be about more than just the movie?).
I might have more later. Big things happening this weekend - fundraising and visits from my mom, but no Shop Girl.
It did snow here on Thursday. Not enough to stick to the ground, but enough to make me smile.
Well I had a great Thanksgiving. I went to see Dad. Every visit gets better and better. I see him so differently now that I have grown up, and he has grown up. It was really good to get away from St. Louis for awhile. I love St. Louis, but everything has it's limit with me, and I had hit it about a month ago. It was good to just get out of town, maybe some of you can relate. Sometimes just a change of scenery can be good.
I feel like things are stale here. This is not a dig at anything, or anyone here - it is all just . . . stale. I feel like I am stuck, not really knowing what to do next. Do I keep working where I work? People keep telling me to quit. Do I go onto something new? But what would that be, I don't know how to do anything else. Do I go back to school? Where would I find the money for that?
I have been itching to see Shop Girl for a month now. I had it all worked out to go, even people who would actually go and see it with me (my taste in movies is not for everyone). The show time I picked no longer exists. It existed this morning, but not now. So I am at a loss. I gear myself up to look forward to something, only to be let down (could that be about more than just the movie?).
I might have more later. Big things happening this weekend - fundraising and visits from my mom, but no Shop Girl.
It did snow here on Thursday. Not enough to stick to the ground, but enough to make me smile.
11.22.2005
My New Couch
Well gang, I found a couch - a real one. It is more of a loveseat than a couch. The throw pillows are made of some soft fabric. I just want to rub my whole face with them. The draw back to the pillows is I don't know what they are filled with, but it isn't squishy, but crinkly. The other person in the room with my couch is very kind, and wise. She knows the right questions and lets me figure out the answers in my own time, not rushing me. If I need to just sit - I can. If I need to talk - I can. One interesting thought from the night - "Are you just using your depression as a tool to not feel anything? Is it just something that you can use as an excuse for why you are not where you are in your life?" So maybe you all don't really get that question, but I do - and the answer has been hiding from me ever since the question was asked. Do I use it as a tool, a cover for other things? Maybe, maybe not, but it does raise a lot of interesting thoughts.
11.21.2005
Sick
I feel sick, but at what point can I really call in and miss today? I mean I am only working two days this week anyway, and can't trade one day for another - unless I go to work on Sunday, which isn't really a stretch anymore.
What am I saying. It will pass by noon.
What am I saying. It will pass by noon.
11.18.2005
Wires
Wires ~ Athlete
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running down corridors Through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood, on my fingertip
Running down corridors
Through automatic floors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Alright
Running ... down corridors, through, automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
I see hope is here, in a plastic box,
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes,
Down corridors, through automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
First night of your life, curled up on your own,
Looking at you now, you would never know
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running down corridors Through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood, on my fingertip
Running down corridors
Through automatic floors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Alright
Running ... down corridors, through, automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
I see hope is here, in a plastic box,
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes,
Down corridors, through automatic doors,
Got to get to you, got to see this through,
First night of your life, curled up on your own,
Looking at you now, you would never know
11.16.2005
Area 51
I found this great place to watch short films by directors that many people haven't heard of (and some you have, you just had no idea). Here is one for Aaron Ruell (Kip) http://area51films.com/ruell/
11.15.2005
Tick
I have noticed over the past couple of weeks that I have developed a tick of sorts. It isn't like a facial tick, or a spasm of any sort; but more of a rhythm. I start rocking or moving in a rhythm, or move my arm in a rhythm. I noticed it last night with my finger on my leg. I think it is a comfort thing. I don't care what it is, I don't like it. It means I am just one step closer to a breakdown.
11.13.2005
Trouble
Trouble - Coldplay
O no, I see, I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this? A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.
O no I see, A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,
Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.
O no, I see, I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this? A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.
O no I see, A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,
Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.
Elanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely peopleWhere do they all belong?
Change
I want you to know that I am happy for you. I am probably the happiest for you for this new thing you have going on in your life. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck at the same time. It is change, and as we all know I don't like change (unless it has monetary value). I wish change was cut out of this world all together. I know change is necessary, I know change is inevtitable, I know change - in the end - will be good . . . but that doesn't mean I have to like it. So, can I be happy for you and be sad at the same time? I mean, does that really work? I hope it does because that is where I am. And I don't want you to tone it down, I don't want to restrict you, because I see it in you - you are happy and I don't want to put a limit on that.
11.12.2005
Addie
This is my dog Addie (she's the one on the right). She doesn't like to have her picture taken, that is why she looks shy. Addie is just like me except she was born a dog. I found her at a pet adoption place a little over a year ago, and can not imagine my life without her (isn't that kind of sad). When I got Addie she was really shy. She still comes to be pet with her head down, unsure of what will happen. When she first meets people she is very stand-offish, but once she gets to know you she won't quit. She is unsure of herself, a little self-conscious and loves naps. She hates it when people mess with those she loves, and she is not too sure how she feels about kids. She loves to eat and take long naps, or to just stare out the window at nothing in particular. She is quite content to just sit by me not saying anything, just sitting.
Sound like anyone you know?
Traffic Jam
I feel like I should write something here - something besides another persons post, or a short sentence about nothing in particular. Show of hands of people who actually read this - that's what I thought.
Moving right along.
I feel like my head is in a traffic jam. I have so many different thoughts and feelings and they all kind of get trapped at an intersection, or a bottle neck on the highway. Nothing can really come out of it all, everything is just waiting for their turn. In that traffic jam are the thoughts or feelings that are angry drivers. The thoughts that are pissed for being stuck and take it out on every other thought around it. Many of my thoughts and feelings are at odds with each other. I have a feeling, but there is a thought that knows that feeling is crap. Who will win that battle, and does it even matter? I was told that feelings are valid, but are they really? What if you have a feeling that you know is wrong, or that there isn't something quite right about it. Is it still valid? I guess maybe it isn't valid, but it is real - I really have this feeling of anger, jealousy, greed, lust, or whatever - but it doesn't make it right. So then the thought comes that it isn't right, so the obvious solution is to fight it. Causing a wreck in the already tight traffic jam.
Where am I going with this you might ask. Well the answer is quite simple - I have no idea. I guess what I am saying is this. I have feelings of anger, I have feelings of jealousy, I have feelings of greed, I have feelings of lust, I have feelings of inadequacy, I have feelings of happiness even. I do believe they are all real but not valid. There are feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, etc. That I have that I know in my head aren't right. I shouldn't feel them, yet I do. So that makes me feel stupid. Why should I have those feelings, they aren't right, they shouldn't be there.
So basically this post is about saying everything twice, and neither time is less confusing than the other.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I haven't felt doubt. Doubt in any decision, any feeling, any thought, any relationship. So how can I be sure in those decisions, feelings, thoughts, or relationships. And in the end who is going to stick around while I figure that out?
Moving right along.
I feel like my head is in a traffic jam. I have so many different thoughts and feelings and they all kind of get trapped at an intersection, or a bottle neck on the highway. Nothing can really come out of it all, everything is just waiting for their turn. In that traffic jam are the thoughts or feelings that are angry drivers. The thoughts that are pissed for being stuck and take it out on every other thought around it. Many of my thoughts and feelings are at odds with each other. I have a feeling, but there is a thought that knows that feeling is crap. Who will win that battle, and does it even matter? I was told that feelings are valid, but are they really? What if you have a feeling that you know is wrong, or that there isn't something quite right about it. Is it still valid? I guess maybe it isn't valid, but it is real - I really have this feeling of anger, jealousy, greed, lust, or whatever - but it doesn't make it right. So then the thought comes that it isn't right, so the obvious solution is to fight it. Causing a wreck in the already tight traffic jam.
Where am I going with this you might ask. Well the answer is quite simple - I have no idea. I guess what I am saying is this. I have feelings of anger, I have feelings of jealousy, I have feelings of greed, I have feelings of lust, I have feelings of inadequacy, I have feelings of happiness even. I do believe they are all real but not valid. There are feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, etc. That I have that I know in my head aren't right. I shouldn't feel them, yet I do. So that makes me feel stupid. Why should I have those feelings, they aren't right, they shouldn't be there.
So basically this post is about saying everything twice, and neither time is less confusing than the other.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I haven't felt doubt. Doubt in any decision, any feeling, any thought, any relationship. So how can I be sure in those decisions, feelings, thoughts, or relationships. And in the end who is going to stick around while I figure that out?
11.11.2005
Fasting
Why can't I just keep my flipping mouth shut? I read about a talking fast once, maybe I should go on one. Learn that I can't just say the first thing that pops into my head.
11.08.2005
11.07.2005
Time
I just sent myself an email next year. That sentence might not seem grammatically correct, but it is. I sent myself an email that I will receive next year. It is like a time capsule, but with words. I asked a bunch of questions that I hope have answers in a year - like did I get a couch. Today is pretty much indescribable, so I will just leave it at that - maybe tomorrow will be better.
11.03.2005
Now What?
Well, after my "Darth Vader" post I became the proud owner of Star Wars Episode III. I got it as a gift, because I have no money. The fact that I have no money bothers me, the fact that I got a gift bothers me.
The fact that I have no money and that bothers me should not be a shocker. A lot of people don't enjoy lacking for money. My problem is I rarely buy anything or do anything so where is all my money going. In a word "GAS." Gas cost is going down, but for how long? Will it be worse next summer? If it is I will have to find a new place to work where I can ride my bike.
The fact that I got a gift and that bothers me should send up a huge red flag. Basically I can't let people love me, I can't let people be nice to me. Somewhere along the timeline that is my life I became skeptical of others and them doing nice things for me and really skeptical of those who show their love for me. Like there is some sort of a catch. But kindness has no catch, the movie has no catch, and love REALLY doesn't have a catch if you read Corinthians. How am I going to make it in this world if I am doing it on my own, not letting anyone in, pushing everyone away?
The fact that I have no money and that bothers me should not be a shocker. A lot of people don't enjoy lacking for money. My problem is I rarely buy anything or do anything so where is all my money going. In a word "GAS." Gas cost is going down, but for how long? Will it be worse next summer? If it is I will have to find a new place to work where I can ride my bike.
The fact that I got a gift and that bothers me should send up a huge red flag. Basically I can't let people love me, I can't let people be nice to me. Somewhere along the timeline that is my life I became skeptical of others and them doing nice things for me and really skeptical of those who show their love for me. Like there is some sort of a catch. But kindness has no catch, the movie has no catch, and love REALLY doesn't have a catch if you read Corinthians. How am I going to make it in this world if I am doing it on my own, not letting anyone in, pushing everyone away?
10.30.2005
Darth Vader Is My Hero
I sometimes wonder if there is a reason that God shows me things about myself through movies. Not all movies . . . a few . . . some . . . ALRIGHT, most of them. Maybe it is because I think about movies more than the average bear. I watch them, think about them, watch them again, think about it some more. What I find sad is that many times I relate to the antagonist of the movie, not the protagonist. I want to be the good guy, not the force against him. For instance, I relate to Anakin in Star Wars Episode III (and subsequently Darth Vader in IV, V, and VI). I made the mistake once of telling someone that Darth Vader was my favorite character in Star Wars; they looked at me like I was crazy. I then went on to bury myself a little deeper and say that I admired him - and then they knew I was twisted. I never explained it to them, because I didn't know how at the time. But for some reason I kept thinking about it and I can finally say - Darth Vader is my hero.
Anakin wasn't a bad guy, he just got caught up in a bad lie. He started to believe those around him who were feeding him the wrong information, instead of believing what he knew was true. He let his pride, his doubt, his inability to trust, and his hurt get in the way of the truth - making it easier to be manipulated by the enemy (Episode III). As he grows in this lie he becomes powerful to the point of being a ruler, crushing all those who stood in his way to complete power (IV, V). There is still good in him, even if it is buried deep under the pride, doubt, and hurt. In the end he sees this evil and overcome it. Seeing his life for a lie, he turns from the lie to the light just before he dies (VI).
Isn't that what has happened to us? I know it happened to me. I was going through life thinking I was pretty hot stuff. I had pride, doubt, hurt, and couldn't trust God to come through for me. So I bought a bad lie, the lie that Satin gave me that said I could have more, I could be more. I believed him and went on to do some hurtful things to those around me. I wasn't a world power crushing the rebellion, but I was one person - hurting everyone who believed something different, hurting those who knew the truth. There was still good in me somewhere, but it was buried so far under the hurt and pride that I couldn't see it, I couldn't even feel it anymore. I finally saw the truth - not when some ugly dude was killing my son, but in a shower where I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. I turned from the lie and started walking toward the light. I have more of my life to live so I think I face more troubles with my past than Anakin did before he died - but I still look at him and see, even the most evil of men can be redeemed, so can I.
I am glad Lucas made the prequels (maybe not so much the first 2). It gave me a chance to see where Darth Vader came from - to see how far he had fallen and to see how far he had to come to break free of the lie.
Anakin wasn't a bad guy, he just got caught up in a bad lie. He started to believe those around him who were feeding him the wrong information, instead of believing what he knew was true. He let his pride, his doubt, his inability to trust, and his hurt get in the way of the truth - making it easier to be manipulated by the enemy (Episode III). As he grows in this lie he becomes powerful to the point of being a ruler, crushing all those who stood in his way to complete power (IV, V). There is still good in him, even if it is buried deep under the pride, doubt, and hurt. In the end he sees this evil and overcome it. Seeing his life for a lie, he turns from the lie to the light just before he dies (VI).
Isn't that what has happened to us? I know it happened to me. I was going through life thinking I was pretty hot stuff. I had pride, doubt, hurt, and couldn't trust God to come through for me. So I bought a bad lie, the lie that Satin gave me that said I could have more, I could be more. I believed him and went on to do some hurtful things to those around me. I wasn't a world power crushing the rebellion, but I was one person - hurting everyone who believed something different, hurting those who knew the truth. There was still good in me somewhere, but it was buried so far under the hurt and pride that I couldn't see it, I couldn't even feel it anymore. I finally saw the truth - not when some ugly dude was killing my son, but in a shower where I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. I turned from the lie and started walking toward the light. I have more of my life to live so I think I face more troubles with my past than Anakin did before he died - but I still look at him and see, even the most evil of men can be redeemed, so can I.
I am glad Lucas made the prequels (maybe not so much the first 2). It gave me a chance to see where Darth Vader came from - to see how far he had fallen and to see how far he had to come to break free of the lie.
10.29.2005
Day 1
I have not done one of these for several months - a Blog Fast, if you will. Some days I am glad I haven't had a page were I can come and throw-up little bits of information about myself - forcing the reader to read things that no person should ever read. But most days I miss it. I miss the way I can write things here that sometimes I just can't say out loud.
So I am back. This is my therapy without a couch.
So I am back. This is my therapy without a couch.
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