Indians 4
Cardinals 5
I was right, the Cardinals would not go down 3 in a row to the Indians. I was there, it was sad. BUT it was super fun (even in the last inning when the whole crowd was on it's feet banging white seat cushions together to make noise). The best part, was watching every seat cushion in the stadium get thrown onto the field.
Can I get a whoop, whoop?
6.28.2006
6.27.2006
Tuesday Night Score
Indians 3
Cardinals 1
Happy, but nervous for tomorrow. My feeling is that the Cardinals are mad now, and will not let the Indians sweep the series.
Cardinals 1
Happy, but nervous for tomorrow. My feeling is that the Cardinals are mad now, and will not let the Indians sweep the series.
6.26.2006
6.25.2006
Dreams
I had a dream last night that I married my last boyfriend. It wasn't a dream where I married him around the time we were dating, but I married him now - 5 years after we had broken up (that's right, it has been 5 years - shut up). In my dream we met again at some function and got married a few days later. The strange thing is, I was happy. I was happy in the marriage, in the relationship. My biggest fear in marriage is that I won't be happy. Or I will be happy at the beginning, but after the newness wears off I won't be happy anymore. I do not worry that he will leave me, I worry that I will leave him. There is a quote from Mr. and Mrs. Smith that hits what I feel (and fear) about marriage:
Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
So the fact that I had a dream about being married and I was happy makes me . . . well, happy. The fact that I married him and I was happy makes me a little sad. By the end of our relationship I was so unhappy. We were doomed from the start. We started dating 2 weeks before he moved 5 hours away. Within 6 months we were through, because we couldn't hold a new relationship together that far apart. I wonder what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances. First we wouldn't have had the whole distance thing. Second maybe I would have been a little better equipped for a relationship. I had too much baggage that I brought to the relationship, too much that I couldn't do anything but hold the bags - there was no room to hold him. Since our break up I have worked hard to get rid of those bags. Many of them are gone now. Some are lighter. Still, some others are there, but slowly getting unpacked. But in the end I never gave him (or us) the chance to succeed. It wasn't a question in my head of if I would leave the relationship, but when.
That is the cycle I need to break. Going into everything thinking "when I mess up I'll ____." Instead I need to just go with it. Let what happens, happen. At that time in my life, we would have eventually ended anyway . . . but now, I am different. Now I'm super cute, and I know it. Now I have a backbone and know how to use it. Now I am carrying less bags. So you. Yes you, you know who you are. Take a chance.
Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
So the fact that I had a dream about being married and I was happy makes me . . . well, happy. The fact that I married him and I was happy makes me a little sad. By the end of our relationship I was so unhappy. We were doomed from the start. We started dating 2 weeks before he moved 5 hours away. Within 6 months we were through, because we couldn't hold a new relationship together that far apart. I wonder what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances. First we wouldn't have had the whole distance thing. Second maybe I would have been a little better equipped for a relationship. I had too much baggage that I brought to the relationship, too much that I couldn't do anything but hold the bags - there was no room to hold him. Since our break up I have worked hard to get rid of those bags. Many of them are gone now. Some are lighter. Still, some others are there, but slowly getting unpacked. But in the end I never gave him (or us) the chance to succeed. It wasn't a question in my head of if I would leave the relationship, but when.
That is the cycle I need to break. Going into everything thinking "when I mess up I'll ____." Instead I need to just go with it. Let what happens, happen. At that time in my life, we would have eventually ended anyway . . . but now, I am different. Now I'm super cute, and I know it. Now I have a backbone and know how to use it. Now I am carrying less bags. So you. Yes you, you know who you are. Take a chance.
6.23.2006
Happiness
Not directed at me, but I might has well have been - it was like he flipped a switch.
"[You] need to quit trying to make everyone happy. Don't [you] know that the people around [you] are happy when they see that [you] are happy?" - NAD
"[You] need to quit trying to make everyone happy. Don't [you] know that the people around [you] are happy when they see that [you] are happy?" - NAD
6.21.2006
Expectations
I have been getting emails over the last day or so from people I graduated from college with. In the landscape architecture program we were a small bunch of 15 so we got to know each other quite well. It was no secret when I left that I was not happy with landscape, but I was willing to give it a try (for a little while at least). Up until about 8 months ago I had my ups and downs with my company - mostly downs. But in the last 8 months I have had a hard time remembering a really down time. Sure I have had my days where things didn't work out, but in the end it didn't really matter. "What are they going to do, take my birthday away?" But these emails have put me in a funk. If you measure success by the worlds standards - they have me beat. High paying jobs, promotions out the ear, and new homes. I don't have that. But if you measure success by a different stick, maybe I am ahead. I am happy where I am. Are they? Over the past month, or so, I have been obsessed with houses. I think it is part of the idea of success. I want so badly to be in a house that I own, to me that says that you have "made it." I don't know why, maybe it has to do with my family. Growing up we rented. We couldn't afford not to (Like all good parents, my mom never let me know how much we couldn't afford not to own a house, or have a lot of things she sacrificed to give me). I don't look at my mom and say she wasn't successful, so why do I say I'm not until I have a house? Why is it so hard not to look at the measuring stick of the world and get caught up in it?
BTW - Indians are terrible right now. They are NOT a success. It is going to be really hard to go watch them play the Cardinals next week. Because I know, going in, it is going to be a long shot. AND I will be sitting in Busch Stadium surrounded by Cardinal fans not Jacobs Field surrounded by fellow tribesmen. An Indian loss is always handled better on the home territory. BUT I am super excited to go!
BTW - Indians are terrible right now. They are NOT a success. It is going to be really hard to go watch them play the Cardinals next week. Because I know, going in, it is going to be a long shot. AND I will be sitting in Busch Stadium surrounded by Cardinal fans not Jacobs Field surrounded by fellow tribesmen. An Indian loss is always handled better on the home territory. BUT I am super excited to go!
6.15.2006
6.11.2006
yesterday, and today
yesterday i went to wal-mart. i hate wal-mart. i hate wal-mart because i am from a small town and i watched as wal-mart came in and put a lot of businesses out of business. i watched as they built a bigger and "better" store, and put the rest out. i watched as they let their store go to crap because they didn't have any competition anymore. i moved away to a bigger town and their are other options - but i still find myself walking the aisles at least twice a year. i hate those times. it makes me feel dirty. i have a hard time going to sam's, but they have really cheap gas, and i am a freak about gas. you might say i am bitter, maybe i am.
today i drank a coke for the first time in 2 months. it was a huge mistake, because now i feel like i am on meth. you might ask how i know what it feels like to be on meth. well i will tell you - i had a dream about being on meth, and this is what i felt like in the dream. no, i don't really know what it feels like to be on meth.
i have come to the realization over the last few weeks that i am super cute. i don't mean just in how i look, but how i am. how do men resist me. it might be one of life's great mysteries. today i didn't feel super cute, but i know i am, and that makes all the difference. i'm not conceded, if you really knew me, you wouldn't think i was. or maybe i am, i just play it off like i'm not. i'm an enigma even to myself.
today i drank a coke for the first time in 2 months. it was a huge mistake, because now i feel like i am on meth. you might ask how i know what it feels like to be on meth. well i will tell you - i had a dream about being on meth, and this is what i felt like in the dream. no, i don't really know what it feels like to be on meth.
i have come to the realization over the last few weeks that i am super cute. i don't mean just in how i look, but how i am. how do men resist me. it might be one of life's great mysteries. today i didn't feel super cute, but i know i am, and that makes all the difference. i'm not conceded, if you really knew me, you wouldn't think i was. or maybe i am, i just play it off like i'm not. i'm an enigma even to myself.
6.09.2006
Brain Cloud
Just a few days shy of going a whole month without writing. Show of hands of people who actually noticed I hadn't written anything in about 3 and a half weeks . . . that's what I thought. You with your hand raised there on the back row - you weren't even listening, you just raised your hand because you were being polite.
So, I have something brewing up in my head - but don't really know what to say. I don't want it to be the same old ramble/drama it usually is (but who am I kidding, isn't this the place to have drama?). So as soon as this brain cloud passes in a day or so I will be ready to ramble and dramatize. If you get the brain cloud reference we should marry, because that one connection is enough to start a life long union. Serious, that means we have many similar interests and the same sense of humor.
Out.
So, I have something brewing up in my head - but don't really know what to say. I don't want it to be the same old ramble/drama it usually is (but who am I kidding, isn't this the place to have drama?). So as soon as this brain cloud passes in a day or so I will be ready to ramble and dramatize. If you get the brain cloud reference we should marry, because that one connection is enough to start a life long union. Serious, that means we have many similar interests and the same sense of humor.
Out.
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