Oh My GOSH

By the beard of Zeus, it is finally over. This month is in it's last hours, and you can say good bye to everyday posts from me. I think I may take a break for a day or two and be back ready to hit it again. Managed to write everyday but one - and I don't really remember what day it was or why I didn't write. Anyway, for those of you keeping score - it was 29-1.

What is it?

I really hate Dreamweaver. I mean really, really, hate it. I don't know if it is because I am trying to teach it to myself, if it is because I lack a basic understanding of html, or what - but I am really hating the whole process. I haven't worked on my Photo Shop or Dreamweaver in about 3 weeks, and I think I know why. I use to think it was because I had a lot of other things going on . . . which is true - but a bigger factor has to be that I need to catch up more on this Dreamweaver stuff than the Photo Shop and I didn't want to work on Dreamweaver. Today I don't have any excuses . . . ANY, so here I sit loathing the very sight of this green and white book, about ready to puke after the last two chapters that I did. The problem is, I am following the directions - but they don't tell me why. They don't give me a reason for anything that I am doing. It is just do this because we said so, not do this because it gives you this result and you need to know this because _______. So there you have it. I think I am going to go eat lunch - if only to get away from this damn book and program.

New Heights

I use to be scared of heights. I don't think I ever really stopped, I guess I just started having a healthy relationship with it, instead of a dysfunctional one. I think there is a respect there between us now. This new respect started a few summers ago at the last wall I worked at. After 3 months walking around on top of a 30ft wall, I guess that is where we started coming to an understanding. Taking more time to get to know one another, talking, sitting, just being together - learning what made each of us tick. My wall now is a bit higher by 16ft, but the height is all the same. We picked right back up where we left off - an easy friendship of mutual respect and admiration. For some reason, it picked today to push me. It did it once before, after I was pretty tired, and had hurt his chances to be friends with another girl. She was scared, and about the time she started to get to know him better and develop a healthy relationship with him like I had, I messed up and said some things and did some things that made her scared again. It is a long story, and I don't really want to get into it - it took a week or so for us to heal our relationship, and so I would like to leave that in the past; but for about a week he was all "big and bad, scary height" and then we moved on. So today, I had a moment where we weren't friends again. I don't know what I did to make him mad. I do know I was a bit tired, so maybe he just knew that I wasn't in the mood so he got a little ticked. Whatever, I froze. Not for long, but there was a point when I was standing on the ground that I thought, "I can't go up and see him today. I just can't. Don't make me." It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to go say hello. I went and he wasn't a jerk once I was up there, but it was just . . . well it was just hard.

Not Too Shabby

Not too shabby considering a few things:

1. I didn't' want to do this in the first place
2. I don't have any of the tools to do this
3. Yes, I used Crayola pencils
4. Yes, that is a dog leash right next to the picture
5. Yes, that is my favorite pencil - given to me by a friend
6. I changed my mind a million times trying to get it to look just right
7. I didn't have any of the right paper
8. I didn't have my markers . . . I'm really sad about the no markers business
9. Color pencils are not my strong suit

Oi

Happiness Is:
A winter coat (because all your other coats had some other guy's name on it)
Getting a design finished (and actually kind of liking it)
Spending time with great friends

Unhappiness Is:
Finding out that the Heroes finale next week could be a full blown finale, not a break for the Christmas season, due to the writers strike. I don't care so much about the strike, except when it hits my show.

fact

fact: some days are harder than others.
fact: that just life

"Everything she is so DRAMATIC. I just makes me want to set myself on fire!" - Lucille Bluth

I admit it

I admit it. I use words that people here in the United States don't use. I don't do it to be cool, I do it because I like another country's word better than our own that we use. Yes, the words I am using and the words that I am replacing are slang words. Yes, I realize that slang words are, in fact, unnecessary to a sentence overall - and/or they are probably rude. I use the word "oi" instead of "hey". I don't use "oi" as in the Jewish use of the word, I use the "oi" from England. I use "eh", as in "eh" - it is from Canada eh. Yes, it did take me a bit of time to incorporate them into my everyday usage. Yes, I am a nerd for doing just that. Yes, I should just speak the "American" way, but I cannot. Yes, I do think carefully about which words to incorporate into my usage. And Yes, I did try other words that didn't take off like: rad. I was trying to bring back "rad" into my everyday usage and I just couldn't do it . . . I think that is why I reverted to non "American" words, because no one had really ever used them here. Do I think about this too much . . . probably.

By the way, I had a dream last night where Jim from The Office and I were dating. And yes, it was just as I imagined it would be.

Thanks to the G

Two turkeys
Two stuffings
Two mashed potatoes
Two . . . well two everything

I wasn't able to go home this weekend for Thanksgiving. Instead of spending it with people who share my DNA I spent it with two different families who treat me like I do.

Facebook

Facebook and MySpace,

Why do you hate me? You lure me with promises of renewed relationships, and finding those who were previously un-findable. Well now you have me and you are evil!

and that is exactly how it was

"well that was when god was up in heaven having celestial sex."

"but mary didn't look happy when she opened the door to him."

"why was i watching that video? oh yeah, i was looking up information on that candidate . . . what is his name. that mormon."

"well what would happen if clinton was elected president."

"do you think she is the anti-christ?"

"what if it is oprah?"

"wouldn't that be awesome if the anti-christ was a woman?"

"did you know that today was her favorite things show?"

"so next year, after she announces herself as christ do you think she will give out bar codes for your forehead?"

"can you imagine that scene. 'hey everybody, it's a bar code tattoo for your forehead!"

indistinguishable screaming, and jumping by all

"can't the bar code be on your hand too?"

"check out my new hand accessory."

"i think we are all going to hell for talking about this."

"i'm not!"

"why, because you stopped making the joke 10 seconds before we did."

"well, yeah."

Nothing

I've got nothing for you today. Nothing. I have spent the last month in this weird place, a place I don't remember being in - a place called happiness. But today was a bit different. It was like the first "old" place day I have had in a month - and it totally took me by surprise. I felt (feel) completely caught off guard with it, and I don't have a clue what to do with it. I think I will be up awhile tonight - so write if you want, all I have is time.

Log On

and then i logged on to send her mass email out - only to discover there were no addresses in her contacts . . . i don't want to be the one to tell her i totally screwed up.

Hold Over

Wall working is on the agenda for today. Looking forward to today - mostly because we are a little busier, so there isn't as much down time which equals the day going faster. AND I don't have to go in until 1:30, so it lets me have part of the morning free to KETTLEBELL!!!! And yes . . . I did KB this morning. It wasn't difficult, but it wasn't easy either. There is one move that really is hard to get the hang of. It is called the Turkish Getup. It involves going from laying down, to a lunge, to standing up all with the KB over your head. I think I almost shoved the KB through the TV by accident on one rep . . . that would have been bad. I don't really have a lot to say. I have made it over half way through this month, and I think I am running out of talking points. Yesterday I was still on a high from Thursday night - and I think that is the same for today. So with that I will leave you with a GOOD picture of their concerts.

Late Again

late again, and no - i have not used my kettle bell yet . . . but tomorrow is the day.

Pink Floyd (Australian)

I know I didn't make it to post in time for the actual day of this post, but I haven't gone to bed yet so I am counting it . . . just deal.

TONIGHT I HAD THE MOST AMAZING TIME! I went with some friends of mine to the Australian Pink Floyd concert. They are really good. I have never been to see the real Pink Floyd, but I'm sure these guys were pretty dead on. I could go on and on about why they are probably just as good, but I won't. I took some terrible video and pictures with my phone, but I had to capture some of it.

I spent the day listening to Dark Side of the Moon (The concert that they were imitating), and then I spent the rest listening to Echos (The Greatest Hits) to brush up on my PF knowledge. I had it turned up so loud on my computer that I could hear it upstairs. Off to the concert, and they didn't disappoint me. From an awesome laser light show, to the can lights, to the video, to the sound, to the fog machine (and some second hand help from audience members), to the gigantic blow up pig and kangaroo. They played for about 3 hours, and left me wanting more. Oh yeah, and we had amazing seats! It was sensory overload with the sights, sounds, and even smells.

All in all, I don't think I can adequately describe my night and the day leading up to it. For a long time I thought of PF as depressing music, the stuff you listen to when life really sucks - and I think that sometimes that is really true. I categorize that mood that goes with that music as "Floydian". It is a phrase that I came upon with a friend of mine. But today it was different. There was an excitement, an anticipation, and a satisfaction that came with that "Floydian" feeling, and it made it that much better. I know that PF is depressing, and that most of the time they are talking about very political things, or personal tragedy, etc., but I am finding more and more in it as time goes on.

Again, not a great video - but just a slice of what you would have seen. If I could put all my video on here I would, just so you could get a bigger picture. This is the opening of the second act:

Fight Round 2

I showed that synthetic cliff who was boss today. Not to brag or anything. I made it to the top of 2 of the 4 runs. Now, the other 2 I have never tried, so I suspect that they are a bit harder, but the places I got hung up Monday were like nothing today. Maybe I'm getting better??? How could that be?

Is it just me or does he look a little like a demon or something?

Kettlebell

Well, the wait is over - I am an official owner of a Kettlebell (KB). I am a huge fan of delayed gratification, so why didn't I wait longer? BECAUSE IT IS A KETTLEBELL AND I COULDN'T WAIT ANY MORE!!! It also helps that I have a 25% discount at Dick's and that I ended up paying a little more than $20 for it. Do I have $20? No, but I found some for this. Truth be known, I raided my coin bin and foraged for the money, so I think it was a good trade. Wait over 3 months (because KBs are sweeping the nation) and then forage for the change to pay for it. I could have technically waited to Christmas, but I didn't. If I had, I would have probably been given 4 KBs because that is how much I want one and how much I talk about them, and everyone I know would have given me one.
Yes this is one long entry about KBs, but you will just have to deal because this is a very exciting day for me. Not just because of the KB but because:

1. My roommates are back from Colorado
2. Addie took the last of her medicine last night so I don't have to wrestle with her tonight
3. I saw the man of my dreams tonight at the Kirkwood library
4. The new work toys are in so I have something to work on and get to be just how I want it while there is no one else around to tell me to do it differently
5. I got some of the knots worked out of my neck and back (now I am down to 3 deep instead of 4)
6. Heard someone play Ben Fold's song The Luckiest on the piano (they weren't playing it for me, but I was around to hear it)
7. I surveyed today, lately not a fun thing for me, but I got to use a new measuring tape with A STAKE!!!! (you wouldn't understand)
8. Found out I am still going to the Australian Pink Floyd concert on Thursday
9. Have I mentioned I got a KB?
10. Tomorrow I get to go back to the rock wall (I am excited about it, despite the fact that I don't think I could even look at the harness without throwing up a little bit because I am in so much pain from yesterday)

I think that should cover it. Ten good things from the day. Just wait until I get back from APF and I have worked with the KB . . . maybe I should look into getting some adult diapers.

K.O.

I fought it and fought it. Over and over again, I just kept going back for some more. Every time it threw me down I just went back for some more. Some times I would fight back hard and it would temporarily be overcome . . . but it never lasted, it would just knock me down again. Sometimes it would hit so hard all I could do would be sit there and stare at it, grumbling about children, my ego, and the people watching me fight. Then I would run again taking it on for all I had left in me . . . only to find myself down again. Finally when I could take no more I would throw my hands up and say "I'm finished." Below me I would hear - just try one more time, and like an idiot I would, only to find myself sitting and staring at it again.

No, this isn't a nonsense diatribe about my depression battle that I have had over the years, it is a diatribe about that *^#$ wall I work at. I can't win against it.

Sometimes

In the last 2 months a lot of things have happened. You have sat here listening to my joy, groans, rants, crys, and apathy about the those events - and for those of you who stuck with me through it all I have just one thing to say to you, "WHY?" And another thing to say to you, "THANK YOU!"

When I look back I can't believe what a ride it has been. On the one hand, I know that it was one of the best things to happen to me. For one thing, I survived it. For another it forced me to take a long hard look at where I was headed and where I ultimately wanted to be. Those two places weren't going to be the same if I stayed there. It pushed me, it changed me, it humbled me, it made me grow up a little. I say it made me grow up "a little" because I don't ever think I will completely grow up and act like an adult, I'm too selfish and needy for that. I enjoy the things I do with my time now - both at jobs and away from them. The hours really suck sometimes. Like when you really want to hang out with a friend, but you are working every night of the week, and working every day of the weekend. But I like going to The Bridge office 3 days a week. I enjoy the major, minor, and sometimes indistinguishable steps we make every day. I enjoy working with the family 2 nights a week getting their office organized, and getting them set up to do really great things once they optimize their time and energy. I REALLY enjoy going to Dick's at night and on the weekends and working with kids, climbing walls, and interacting with a whole new set of people that I would have never met had I not taken the job. I enjoy learning Photo Shop and even Dreamweaver. I enjoy the prospect of working for myself some - maybe not exclusively, but for some of my pay. The worry about taxes and money sort of fades into the background when I think about where I am headed.

There are days when I look back and see the other hand. The other hand holding the fact that I lost a job. Lost a good job that had the potential to be a great job. I lost the time with those people that I loved to see every day. Now I have to work that time in around my schedule and theirs. I can't just hop in the other room and say hello at any point of the day. I have to shoot an email and wait. I can't play a week long chess game, moving a piece here and there when I walk by the board on my way to lunch. I don't have split time, car pool, batting practice, or random movies made with the work video camera. I look back and remember the feeling I had when they told me I was through. For a person that lives off of performance and the approval of others it was a killer. The days where I am going to work at 6 in the evening knowing that is something people do when they are working their way through college, not after having a 9-5 job for 3 years.

Thankfully, the first hand wins out more than the second. I have had more comments in the past 3 weeks about what a difference they have seen in me. Some people don't even know what happened. They have no idea that I lost my real job and I am now working 3 jobs (some days they are all 3 worked in the same day), they just know that there is something different. Slowly I have begun to take back things that I once loved while I worked there. I use to eat Life cereal every morning when I got to work. It took me a month to start eating it again. I finally went through my box of stuff I had from the office, started playing with the toys that I had at my desk (and one that was given to me on my way out the door). I finally read all the stuff that was mailed to me from them - and threw it away. One thing I am having a hard time with is the actual task of designing a landscape. For one thing I'm not really suppose to be doing any residential design due to a non-compete clause, and for another I don't want to. A friend of mine wants me to design their yard and possibly do the work. I have the potential from that to make a good amount of money - but I don't want to do it at all. It isn't that I think I will do a bad job, or that they won't like it once it goes in, I just don't want to survey it, draw it, design it, or really think about it at all. I want someone else to do it. I know I have that skill, and I worked long and hard to get that skill - but I don't care. It has also been hinted around that I could stay on with them and do the maintenance and upkeep on it once it gets done (lets just say it isn't a small project). I just smile and don't really say much. What do you say to people who are handing you money to do something that you do really well . . . but that you can't bring yourself to do. Is this apart of healing, or is it a part of life?

I have rambled on far too long for any one to have read to this sentence. If you did - I should give you a prize. You tell me what you want, and I will try to provide.

A Scanner Darkly

it wasn't terrible, it was actually ok - but i know why it didn't do well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXpGaOqb2Z8 - couldn't get it to play from here, so the link leads you to the trailer.

I almost FORGOT

I almost forgot to write today. Not much going on in my world. Just finished my 3 day at the climbing wall, I am loving it, but right now I am in constant fear of dropping someone. It happened to me when I worked the other wall and it eventually went away, so for now I will just wait. I think, in some instances, it is better to have a little bit of that fear. Mostly because without it you can become a little reckless or careless and not check everything over. Found out today that I have to climb to the top of the wall every day until I am done training. I can't pawn it off on the guys that like to do it - I still have to go. Like today I made it up there just in time for my wall partner to get done checking all the lines. So I went up and promptly came right back down. FUN!!! I'm ready for a friend or two to stop by and say hello - it can get boring if we aren't busy. I think tomorrow will be a bit busier - since it is Saturday.

Well I'm off to wrestle with my dog . . . I mean give her some medicine.

That Face

That face makes me do crazy things. So, she was sick . . . but I wasn't sure how sick. So, to be on the safe side I took her in to the vet. They didn't know for sure - so they went on the safe side and did and gave me different things to do - meaning I spent $125 for them to do things that may or may not help. ALSO - there may not be anything wrong at all, could just be she ate a bad bug off the floor . . .

Oi

I don't know how to do all of this - what if I can't?

Dream Weaver

To be honest, the thought of learning PhotoShop and DreamWeaver on my own made me a little nauseous. So, of course, I put it off for almost a week. A friend of mine told me to just start damn it, so I did. I started with the PhotoShop book, and spent some time on each lesson. I am officially half way done with that book. I started there because I already knew some stuff, and thought that PhotoShop would be better for me to have under my belt for the long haul, and DreamWeaver could be learned a little at a time. Well, I started DreamWeaver today and I can officially say - I HATE IT, IT SUCKS!!!! To be fair I have only worked on one lesson, but so far it is a little confusing, to say the least, and the book doesn't do much about explaining it. Maybe most of it comes from the fact that I am totally new to this world, but it makes me worried to ever take on actual clients to make a design for them if they eventually want something from me on the web.

Anyway, took out a pair of old kicks today. A green pair of Adidas that I LOVE. They are so old that they don't really have any support left, but one day isn't going to kill me - especially since I am only planning on walking to my car to go to work later. Mostly I just sit here in front of the computer and stare at images that I'm trying to change in some form or fashion. Don't need good shoes for that. My butt sure does hurt after awhile, but that is a personal problem.

Newest Gig

So the last time I wrote about my Gigs there were 2 - one with The Bridge, and one with Jimmy John's. I hate to report that the one with Jimmy John's lasted about a day. The work sucked, the people were not friendly, and all in all - it wasn't for me. Call me a baby - it is over. My new gig to replace JJs is working at the climbing wall at Dicks. More hours, friendlier people, good atmosphere, and just plain fun. Before you knew me I worked at a camp. At that camp I worked the climbing wall in the day, and did sound and stuff at night. Well when I worked the wall I had to climb up the inside of it to get to the top. I was in charge at the top. Everyone who made it to the top went through me and down the zip line. That wall was hard to climb on the inside. They drove spikes into one of the main support beams, and you had to climb it like a latter. Toward the top they got farther and farther apart until you were pulling yourself up with your arms until you got to the next spike. Then at the top you had to open a large trap door to get out onto the platform. All in all it was a difficult process. Well, found out today that I get to do that again. Instead of running the zip line up there - every night we have to go to the top to check all the rigging that is holding the belay line. The climb up on this one isn't much easier. Metal scaffolding is the style of this climb. It is going to take me a few trys to really get the hang of it. Until then, I am huffing and puffing all the way up (due to my chubby body shape, and my out of shape climbing limbs).

Weekend

I spent the weekend at my mom's (hence the limited - but not absent - blogging). Due to my new commitment to blogging I haven't missed a day yet. I think I have failed when it comes to NABLOPOMO - because I haven't gone back to that site once and written one word. I'm not even sure I am properly set up on their site. But the point is to write everyday . . . right?
So I spent Saturday visiting my grandmother in the hospital. I am glad that I didn't know she was there until after I got to town. Mostly because it would have made the drive terrible because that would have been all I thought about. Instead I spent the 5 hours trying to think of a name for my new company. I want to use Morgan, but I don't just want to call it Morgan Graphics or something simple like that. I want the name to be witty - something that some people see and immediately know that I am referencing something obscure from a movie, or that the way I used the words was a pun - but I don't want the name to be stupid. The fact that I make it pun-ny, or obscure may make it stupid. I also know that by trying to do that I will probably not be able to use Morgan. Any suggestions?

. . .

And you thought I wouldn't write every day.

What a November!

I have signed up with this site - http://nablopomo.ning.com/ - where you blog everyday of November. I guess it is to get you excited about your blog . . . or something. I don't really know, to be honest I haven't read all the rules - and you know how I am about rules, I have to know them all so I know which ones to keep and which ones to break. At this point I'm not sure if I am suppose to blog here or there all month, my guess is I will just copy one from the other. I am keeping with my new mantra of Pictures, Pictures, Pictures . . . but not today. I am on my way out of town - literally heading toward the door, and I didn't want to forget to write today to stay on the goal of one blog a day.

Have a good Friday night, see you tomorrow!

Look What I Can Do!

I went from this to that today. Don't ask me how to do it, I had to have my hand held through the whole process. Maybe I can do it again without looking at the directions . . . but I'm not quite sure.