Today

I can't say it very often, so I will say it today so it will be on record for all eternity (or at least until this site is no more) . . . I loved my job today! I think I will love it tomorrow to because I am getting a practical joke ready for my boss! And I know the spring will be stressful, so maybe this will be a reminder that not all my work is like those 4 months.

I Don't Know (Part II)

I have been meaning to write for some time, but I don't really have anything to say. I just don't know.

I did discover Death Cab for Cutie last night. I had heard of them for a long time, heard their new song that has gone mainstream (but what can you judge from a song that went mainstream - is that really their sound, or is it just the sound of a few of their songs). So anyway, I went to a Death Cab expert, and found them - I mean their real sound . . . and I love it. Also found Beth Orton and the Decemberists. So new music fun had by me. I was looking at all my music the other day and found that I don't have a favorite kind. I like those that make you think, whose music fits my moods, but then there is some techno mixed in, heavy metal, one or two rap songs, a few country, blue grass, mainstream, and some stuff that doesn't even really have a name. So I don't know what kind of music is really me - maybe I have multiple personalities when it comes to music (or maybe I just have multiple personalities in my life in general).

Work is going very well. I have discovered this whole new side to it and this whole new side to the people I worked with that I had been ignoring. I had ignored the side of them that made them want to work there and made them want to work for my boss. So instead of ignoring it, I asked about it. Seeing what they see was a whole new thing. I might not agree with them on what they see, but knowing that it is there has helped a lot. I have also been working with a few of them on how I am perceived in the office and how I can change that and/or capitalize on it. I am not confident at work and that shows, so that is an area I need to work on. On the other hand I am helpful to others around me, so that is an area to capitalize on. It has been a good growing experience for me, a great time to find my way.

As I find my way, I want less and less to move away. I have been toying with the idea of moving back to Oklahoma. With work not going well, my project with the Bridge at a standstill, and a boy wanting me to move to Tulsa - it was hard not to think about it. But over time I have been doing better at work and liking it more, I heard people talking about the Bridge and it reminded me what I was working for, and the boy . . . well he still wants me to move. But, now he is talking about moving. That in and of itself makes me want to run screaming from the room. Him moving here would signal a commitment, and that is the scariest thing in this world next to squirrels. I realized last night though that what I am afraid of is commitment in the long term. I haven't seen long term commitment carried out much in my life. Short term is in abundance, but no long term. But the reality is that we have had a long term commitment to one another because we have been at this friendship/whatever for 7 years. Would that really change? The second question is, is he the one? Who is the one? Is there one?

Many questions without answers - so I will just listen to music and zone out.

Living

i decided i love living on my own, if for only one reason - when i get christmas presents in the mail i can just open them. if i still lived at home i would have to wait. my mom would get all christmas day on me and make me wait. well, i like just opening, i don't care about the waiting. now there are some people that send me presents to my mom's house, and to you people i say boo on you, because then i have to listen to the talk of waiting, and delayed gratification. well i would say, from life experiences, that i have the delayed gratification down - so give me my packages to open when i want and how i want. i can see waiting if i am going to be with the people who gave them to me. but if you send me something and i know you are not going to be within a 50 mile radius on christmas day, i am opening.

just so you know where i stand on christmas presents (which, by the way, i don't really care about - just talk to me, call me, or send me a card and i will love you forever).

Let Go

Let Go - Barlow Girl

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

Missing

Do you ever think about things a lot. I do. I think about some things for years. I know you think I am exagerating, but I have litterally thought about some things in my life for years. Thinking about them, analyzing them, cutting them down into smaller pieces to digest, putting them back together to make better sense of it all. YEARS! Most times I wish I didn't, I wish I could just feel it, face it, deal with it, and move on. But the other side of that is what happens when you start feeling and can't stop. Today I think I figured out why I do it, but not how to stop it, or if I really want to stop it - because once I loose my mind all I have left is my heart and it is completly broken.

Missing - Everything But The Girl

I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door
But you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
and I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain

Back on the train
I ask 'why did I come again'
Can I confess
I've been hanging 'round your old address
And the years have proved
To offer nothing since you moved
You're long gone
But I can't move on

And I miss you (ohh)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain (and I miss you)

Step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
Past your door I guess you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space
You've found some better place

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you
And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you (yeah)
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like the deserts miss the rain

Surrender

What does surrender really mean (and by that, I mean surrender to God)?

More to come . . . but I want your answers first.

What If?

What if I was fake before and now this person that is here is my reality? What if I was just covering up the truth for so long that this is what came out of that? A person who doesn't really know what they want, who they are, or how to relate to others. Is it a fair assumption that maybe that was all fake before, and I am just now discovering who I am and how I fit into this world? What if all the hurt, shame, and guilt that I have felt for so long has made me this way - does it last forever? Or will I emerge on the other side - not really being who I was before, and not really being who I am now? Can I move past the expectations of my family and frends, can I move past their judgement, can I move past my own pain to become that person? It is possible that this point in my life is just a growing pain. A growth that is taking me from who I was to who I will be.

Snow

Snow, and a lot of it (well to me, being from Oklahoma). I am so looking forward to this winter here in St. Louis. Hopefully a lot more snow for the winter!

I Don't Know

I really don't.

Mad World

Arrested Development was so bad last night I turned it off in the middle. I have never been moved to turn it off in the middle. I have said after it was over that it was stupid, but never so stupid to turn it off. It has finally come full circle, from my favorite to one I probably won't give another chance to.

Mad World - Gary Jules (Originally Tears For Fears)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Maybe . . .

i think part of my problem is that it went from "what do you want to do today" to what are you doing today" over night.

just part of the process to let go and hold it all with an open hand instead of a tight grip.

While I Was Out

I do apologize for being absent. It isn't really like you are all sitting on pins and needles waiting for an entry anyway, so quit.

Well I had a great Thanksgiving. I went to see Dad. Every visit gets better and better. I see him so differently now that I have grown up, and he has grown up. It was really good to get away from St. Louis for awhile. I love St. Louis, but everything has it's limit with me, and I had hit it about a month ago. It was good to just get out of town, maybe some of you can relate. Sometimes just a change of scenery can be good.

I feel like things are stale here. This is not a dig at anything, or anyone here - it is all just . . . stale. I feel like I am stuck, not really knowing what to do next. Do I keep working where I work? People keep telling me to quit. Do I go onto something new? But what would that be, I don't know how to do anything else. Do I go back to school? Where would I find the money for that?

I have been itching to see Shop Girl for a month now. I had it all worked out to go, even people who would actually go and see it with me (my taste in movies is not for everyone). The show time I picked no longer exists. It existed this morning, but not now. So I am at a loss. I gear myself up to look forward to something, only to be let down (could that be about more than just the movie?).

I might have more later. Big things happening this weekend - fundraising and visits from my mom, but no Shop Girl.

It did snow here on Thursday. Not enough to stick to the ground, but enough to make me smile.