Ah Pig, I know how you feel

New Year

You may have noticed the new badge I have on the sidebar - basically that means for 2008 I will be blogging every day. After tackling November, and doing rather well, I thought I would try this out. At the site where I signed up there were only about 200 people signed up, so what that means is it is going to be rough. Rough on me, rough on YOU. I may not write much every day (considering the last blog run I did made me leave this sight for almost a month), but I should be writing every day. You may find some back dated entries (like if I was away from a computer and wrote on paper what I wanted to write here), but all in all I should have 365 - they are giving us February 29th off.

Take Me To The Movies

There is a difference between good movies and bad movies. It isn't necessarily the script (although, it doesn't hurt to have a good one starting out), the difference lies more or less in the little things. The way the director thinks about the movie, the style that they have, the importance they place on the little details that most people don't think about. I spent a semester in a film class. That, in no way, shape, or form, makes me an expert on anything I say here. Everything I say about movies, books, life in general, is all opinion - but I can say without a doubt, that it is the little things in a movie that add up to it's success or failure. The littlest things can make the biggest impact - the camera angles (I'm talking about a difference of inches), the placement of the people on the screen, the colors used, the subtle nuances of movement and voice inflection. I have seen some great movies with horrible scripts. Come on, listen to Star Wars. I mean really listen to the words that are said. Block out the costumes, the use of visual effects, and characters and you have a really, really bad script. I saw a movie that took place in a phone booth. A PHONE BOOTH! No one saw it. It did terribly in the theaters, it wasn't a very good movie, but it was really well made. I am more likely to see another movie by that director (By the way, Movie: Phone Booth, Director: Joel Schumacher). Another Schumacher movie I hated, and will probably never see again was the Number 23 (I believe I have talked about it here before). Take away the crappy script, the fact that it is hard to take Jim Carrey seriously, and the plot that was a little out there and you have a very well made film. I guess the point I am really trying to make is there is a difference between a well made movie and a poorly made movie - I misspoke when I talked about a good movie vs. a bad movie. I will always go see pictures made by people like who plan out every shot, every angle, every color to be used, every movement, and every prop. The problem is, I also like poorly filmed movies, because they capture me in different ways. So, I can't even say what makes a good movie and a bad movie - it is all up to the person watching it. So where I started is not where I ended. I guess that is the difference between a good blog entry and a bad blog entry. The later being what I am best at.

Oh My GOSH

By the beard of Zeus, it is finally over. This month is in it's last hours, and you can say good bye to everyday posts from me. I think I may take a break for a day or two and be back ready to hit it again. Managed to write everyday but one - and I don't really remember what day it was or why I didn't write. Anyway, for those of you keeping score - it was 29-1.

What is it?

I really hate Dreamweaver. I mean really, really, hate it. I don't know if it is because I am trying to teach it to myself, if it is because I lack a basic understanding of html, or what - but I am really hating the whole process. I haven't worked on my Photo Shop or Dreamweaver in about 3 weeks, and I think I know why. I use to think it was because I had a lot of other things going on . . . which is true - but a bigger factor has to be that I need to catch up more on this Dreamweaver stuff than the Photo Shop and I didn't want to work on Dreamweaver. Today I don't have any excuses . . . ANY, so here I sit loathing the very sight of this green and white book, about ready to puke after the last two chapters that I did. The problem is, I am following the directions - but they don't tell me why. They don't give me a reason for anything that I am doing. It is just do this because we said so, not do this because it gives you this result and you need to know this because _______. So there you have it. I think I am going to go eat lunch - if only to get away from this damn book and program.

New Heights

I use to be scared of heights. I don't think I ever really stopped, I guess I just started having a healthy relationship with it, instead of a dysfunctional one. I think there is a respect there between us now. This new respect started a few summers ago at the last wall I worked at. After 3 months walking around on top of a 30ft wall, I guess that is where we started coming to an understanding. Taking more time to get to know one another, talking, sitting, just being together - learning what made each of us tick. My wall now is a bit higher by 16ft, but the height is all the same. We picked right back up where we left off - an easy friendship of mutual respect and admiration. For some reason, it picked today to push me. It did it once before, after I was pretty tired, and had hurt his chances to be friends with another girl. She was scared, and about the time she started to get to know him better and develop a healthy relationship with him like I had, I messed up and said some things and did some things that made her scared again. It is a long story, and I don't really want to get into it - it took a week or so for us to heal our relationship, and so I would like to leave that in the past; but for about a week he was all "big and bad, scary height" and then we moved on. So today, I had a moment where we weren't friends again. I don't know what I did to make him mad. I do know I was a bit tired, so maybe he just knew that I wasn't in the mood so he got a little ticked. Whatever, I froze. Not for long, but there was a point when I was standing on the ground that I thought, "I can't go up and see him today. I just can't. Don't make me." It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to go say hello. I went and he wasn't a jerk once I was up there, but it was just . . . well it was just hard.

Not Too Shabby

Not too shabby considering a few things:

1. I didn't' want to do this in the first place
2. I don't have any of the tools to do this
3. Yes, I used Crayola pencils
4. Yes, that is a dog leash right next to the picture
5. Yes, that is my favorite pencil - given to me by a friend
6. I changed my mind a million times trying to get it to look just right
7. I didn't have any of the right paper
8. I didn't have my markers . . . I'm really sad about the no markers business
9. Color pencils are not my strong suit

Oi

Happiness Is:
A winter coat (because all your other coats had some other guy's name on it)
Getting a design finished (and actually kind of liking it)
Spending time with great friends

Unhappiness Is:
Finding out that the Heroes finale next week could be a full blown finale, not a break for the Christmas season, due to the writers strike. I don't care so much about the strike, except when it hits my show.

fact

fact: some days are harder than others.
fact: that just life

"Everything she is so DRAMATIC. I just makes me want to set myself on fire!" - Lucille Bluth

I admit it

I admit it. I use words that people here in the United States don't use. I don't do it to be cool, I do it because I like another country's word better than our own that we use. Yes, the words I am using and the words that I am replacing are slang words. Yes, I realize that slang words are, in fact, unnecessary to a sentence overall - and/or they are probably rude. I use the word "oi" instead of "hey". I don't use "oi" as in the Jewish use of the word, I use the "oi" from England. I use "eh", as in "eh" - it is from Canada eh. Yes, it did take me a bit of time to incorporate them into my everyday usage. Yes, I am a nerd for doing just that. Yes, I should just speak the "American" way, but I cannot. Yes, I do think carefully about which words to incorporate into my usage. And Yes, I did try other words that didn't take off like: rad. I was trying to bring back "rad" into my everyday usage and I just couldn't do it . . . I think that is why I reverted to non "American" words, because no one had really ever used them here. Do I think about this too much . . . probably.

By the way, I had a dream last night where Jim from The Office and I were dating. And yes, it was just as I imagined it would be.

Thanks to the G

Two turkeys
Two stuffings
Two mashed potatoes
Two . . . well two everything

I wasn't able to go home this weekend for Thanksgiving. Instead of spending it with people who share my DNA I spent it with two different families who treat me like I do.

Facebook

Facebook and MySpace,

Why do you hate me? You lure me with promises of renewed relationships, and finding those who were previously un-findable. Well now you have me and you are evil!

and that is exactly how it was

"well that was when god was up in heaven having celestial sex."

"but mary didn't look happy when she opened the door to him."

"why was i watching that video? oh yeah, i was looking up information on that candidate . . . what is his name. that mormon."

"well what would happen if clinton was elected president."

"do you think she is the anti-christ?"

"what if it is oprah?"

"wouldn't that be awesome if the anti-christ was a woman?"

"did you know that today was her favorite things show?"

"so next year, after she announces herself as christ do you think she will give out bar codes for your forehead?"

"can you imagine that scene. 'hey everybody, it's a bar code tattoo for your forehead!"

indistinguishable screaming, and jumping by all

"can't the bar code be on your hand too?"

"check out my new hand accessory."

"i think we are all going to hell for talking about this."

"i'm not!"

"why, because you stopped making the joke 10 seconds before we did."

"well, yeah."

Nothing

I've got nothing for you today. Nothing. I have spent the last month in this weird place, a place I don't remember being in - a place called happiness. But today was a bit different. It was like the first "old" place day I have had in a month - and it totally took me by surprise. I felt (feel) completely caught off guard with it, and I don't have a clue what to do with it. I think I will be up awhile tonight - so write if you want, all I have is time.

Log On

and then i logged on to send her mass email out - only to discover there were no addresses in her contacts . . . i don't want to be the one to tell her i totally screwed up.

Hold Over

Wall working is on the agenda for today. Looking forward to today - mostly because we are a little busier, so there isn't as much down time which equals the day going faster. AND I don't have to go in until 1:30, so it lets me have part of the morning free to KETTLEBELL!!!! And yes . . . I did KB this morning. It wasn't difficult, but it wasn't easy either. There is one move that really is hard to get the hang of. It is called the Turkish Getup. It involves going from laying down, to a lunge, to standing up all with the KB over your head. I think I almost shoved the KB through the TV by accident on one rep . . . that would have been bad. I don't really have a lot to say. I have made it over half way through this month, and I think I am running out of talking points. Yesterday I was still on a high from Thursday night - and I think that is the same for today. So with that I will leave you with a GOOD picture of their concerts.

Late Again

late again, and no - i have not used my kettle bell yet . . . but tomorrow is the day.

Pink Floyd (Australian)

I know I didn't make it to post in time for the actual day of this post, but I haven't gone to bed yet so I am counting it . . . just deal.

TONIGHT I HAD THE MOST AMAZING TIME! I went with some friends of mine to the Australian Pink Floyd concert. They are really good. I have never been to see the real Pink Floyd, but I'm sure these guys were pretty dead on. I could go on and on about why they are probably just as good, but I won't. I took some terrible video and pictures with my phone, but I had to capture some of it.

I spent the day listening to Dark Side of the Moon (The concert that they were imitating), and then I spent the rest listening to Echos (The Greatest Hits) to brush up on my PF knowledge. I had it turned up so loud on my computer that I could hear it upstairs. Off to the concert, and they didn't disappoint me. From an awesome laser light show, to the can lights, to the video, to the sound, to the fog machine (and some second hand help from audience members), to the gigantic blow up pig and kangaroo. They played for about 3 hours, and left me wanting more. Oh yeah, and we had amazing seats! It was sensory overload with the sights, sounds, and even smells.

All in all, I don't think I can adequately describe my night and the day leading up to it. For a long time I thought of PF as depressing music, the stuff you listen to when life really sucks - and I think that sometimes that is really true. I categorize that mood that goes with that music as "Floydian". It is a phrase that I came upon with a friend of mine. But today it was different. There was an excitement, an anticipation, and a satisfaction that came with that "Floydian" feeling, and it made it that much better. I know that PF is depressing, and that most of the time they are talking about very political things, or personal tragedy, etc., but I am finding more and more in it as time goes on.

Again, not a great video - but just a slice of what you would have seen. If I could put all my video on here I would, just so you could get a bigger picture. This is the opening of the second act:

Fight Round 2

I showed that synthetic cliff who was boss today. Not to brag or anything. I made it to the top of 2 of the 4 runs. Now, the other 2 I have never tried, so I suspect that they are a bit harder, but the places I got hung up Monday were like nothing today. Maybe I'm getting better??? How could that be?

Is it just me or does he look a little like a demon or something?

Kettlebell

Well, the wait is over - I am an official owner of a Kettlebell (KB). I am a huge fan of delayed gratification, so why didn't I wait longer? BECAUSE IT IS A KETTLEBELL AND I COULDN'T WAIT ANY MORE!!! It also helps that I have a 25% discount at Dick's and that I ended up paying a little more than $20 for it. Do I have $20? No, but I found some for this. Truth be known, I raided my coin bin and foraged for the money, so I think it was a good trade. Wait over 3 months (because KBs are sweeping the nation) and then forage for the change to pay for it. I could have technically waited to Christmas, but I didn't. If I had, I would have probably been given 4 KBs because that is how much I want one and how much I talk about them, and everyone I know would have given me one.
Yes this is one long entry about KBs, but you will just have to deal because this is a very exciting day for me. Not just because of the KB but because:

1. My roommates are back from Colorado
2. Addie took the last of her medicine last night so I don't have to wrestle with her tonight
3. I saw the man of my dreams tonight at the Kirkwood library
4. The new work toys are in so I have something to work on and get to be just how I want it while there is no one else around to tell me to do it differently
5. I got some of the knots worked out of my neck and back (now I am down to 3 deep instead of 4)
6. Heard someone play Ben Fold's song The Luckiest on the piano (they weren't playing it for me, but I was around to hear it)
7. I surveyed today, lately not a fun thing for me, but I got to use a new measuring tape with A STAKE!!!! (you wouldn't understand)
8. Found out I am still going to the Australian Pink Floyd concert on Thursday
9. Have I mentioned I got a KB?
10. Tomorrow I get to go back to the rock wall (I am excited about it, despite the fact that I don't think I could even look at the harness without throwing up a little bit because I am in so much pain from yesterday)

I think that should cover it. Ten good things from the day. Just wait until I get back from APF and I have worked with the KB . . . maybe I should look into getting some adult diapers.

K.O.

I fought it and fought it. Over and over again, I just kept going back for some more. Every time it threw me down I just went back for some more. Some times I would fight back hard and it would temporarily be overcome . . . but it never lasted, it would just knock me down again. Sometimes it would hit so hard all I could do would be sit there and stare at it, grumbling about children, my ego, and the people watching me fight. Then I would run again taking it on for all I had left in me . . . only to find myself down again. Finally when I could take no more I would throw my hands up and say "I'm finished." Below me I would hear - just try one more time, and like an idiot I would, only to find myself sitting and staring at it again.

No, this isn't a nonsense diatribe about my depression battle that I have had over the years, it is a diatribe about that *^#$ wall I work at. I can't win against it.

Sometimes

In the last 2 months a lot of things have happened. You have sat here listening to my joy, groans, rants, crys, and apathy about the those events - and for those of you who stuck with me through it all I have just one thing to say to you, "WHY?" And another thing to say to you, "THANK YOU!"

When I look back I can't believe what a ride it has been. On the one hand, I know that it was one of the best things to happen to me. For one thing, I survived it. For another it forced me to take a long hard look at where I was headed and where I ultimately wanted to be. Those two places weren't going to be the same if I stayed there. It pushed me, it changed me, it humbled me, it made me grow up a little. I say it made me grow up "a little" because I don't ever think I will completely grow up and act like an adult, I'm too selfish and needy for that. I enjoy the things I do with my time now - both at jobs and away from them. The hours really suck sometimes. Like when you really want to hang out with a friend, but you are working every night of the week, and working every day of the weekend. But I like going to The Bridge office 3 days a week. I enjoy the major, minor, and sometimes indistinguishable steps we make every day. I enjoy working with the family 2 nights a week getting their office organized, and getting them set up to do really great things once they optimize their time and energy. I REALLY enjoy going to Dick's at night and on the weekends and working with kids, climbing walls, and interacting with a whole new set of people that I would have never met had I not taken the job. I enjoy learning Photo Shop and even Dreamweaver. I enjoy the prospect of working for myself some - maybe not exclusively, but for some of my pay. The worry about taxes and money sort of fades into the background when I think about where I am headed.

There are days when I look back and see the other hand. The other hand holding the fact that I lost a job. Lost a good job that had the potential to be a great job. I lost the time with those people that I loved to see every day. Now I have to work that time in around my schedule and theirs. I can't just hop in the other room and say hello at any point of the day. I have to shoot an email and wait. I can't play a week long chess game, moving a piece here and there when I walk by the board on my way to lunch. I don't have split time, car pool, batting practice, or random movies made with the work video camera. I look back and remember the feeling I had when they told me I was through. For a person that lives off of performance and the approval of others it was a killer. The days where I am going to work at 6 in the evening knowing that is something people do when they are working their way through college, not after having a 9-5 job for 3 years.

Thankfully, the first hand wins out more than the second. I have had more comments in the past 3 weeks about what a difference they have seen in me. Some people don't even know what happened. They have no idea that I lost my real job and I am now working 3 jobs (some days they are all 3 worked in the same day), they just know that there is something different. Slowly I have begun to take back things that I once loved while I worked there. I use to eat Life cereal every morning when I got to work. It took me a month to start eating it again. I finally went through my box of stuff I had from the office, started playing with the toys that I had at my desk (and one that was given to me on my way out the door). I finally read all the stuff that was mailed to me from them - and threw it away. One thing I am having a hard time with is the actual task of designing a landscape. For one thing I'm not really suppose to be doing any residential design due to a non-compete clause, and for another I don't want to. A friend of mine wants me to design their yard and possibly do the work. I have the potential from that to make a good amount of money - but I don't want to do it at all. It isn't that I think I will do a bad job, or that they won't like it once it goes in, I just don't want to survey it, draw it, design it, or really think about it at all. I want someone else to do it. I know I have that skill, and I worked long and hard to get that skill - but I don't care. It has also been hinted around that I could stay on with them and do the maintenance and upkeep on it once it gets done (lets just say it isn't a small project). I just smile and don't really say much. What do you say to people who are handing you money to do something that you do really well . . . but that you can't bring yourself to do. Is this apart of healing, or is it a part of life?

I have rambled on far too long for any one to have read to this sentence. If you did - I should give you a prize. You tell me what you want, and I will try to provide.

A Scanner Darkly

it wasn't terrible, it was actually ok - but i know why it didn't do well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXpGaOqb2Z8 - couldn't get it to play from here, so the link leads you to the trailer.

I almost FORGOT

I almost forgot to write today. Not much going on in my world. Just finished my 3 day at the climbing wall, I am loving it, but right now I am in constant fear of dropping someone. It happened to me when I worked the other wall and it eventually went away, so for now I will just wait. I think, in some instances, it is better to have a little bit of that fear. Mostly because without it you can become a little reckless or careless and not check everything over. Found out today that I have to climb to the top of the wall every day until I am done training. I can't pawn it off on the guys that like to do it - I still have to go. Like today I made it up there just in time for my wall partner to get done checking all the lines. So I went up and promptly came right back down. FUN!!! I'm ready for a friend or two to stop by and say hello - it can get boring if we aren't busy. I think tomorrow will be a bit busier - since it is Saturday.

Well I'm off to wrestle with my dog . . . I mean give her some medicine.

That Face

That face makes me do crazy things. So, she was sick . . . but I wasn't sure how sick. So, to be on the safe side I took her in to the vet. They didn't know for sure - so they went on the safe side and did and gave me different things to do - meaning I spent $125 for them to do things that may or may not help. ALSO - there may not be anything wrong at all, could just be she ate a bad bug off the floor . . .

Oi

I don't know how to do all of this - what if I can't?

Dream Weaver

To be honest, the thought of learning PhotoShop and DreamWeaver on my own made me a little nauseous. So, of course, I put it off for almost a week. A friend of mine told me to just start damn it, so I did. I started with the PhotoShop book, and spent some time on each lesson. I am officially half way done with that book. I started there because I already knew some stuff, and thought that PhotoShop would be better for me to have under my belt for the long haul, and DreamWeaver could be learned a little at a time. Well, I started DreamWeaver today and I can officially say - I HATE IT, IT SUCKS!!!! To be fair I have only worked on one lesson, but so far it is a little confusing, to say the least, and the book doesn't do much about explaining it. Maybe most of it comes from the fact that I am totally new to this world, but it makes me worried to ever take on actual clients to make a design for them if they eventually want something from me on the web.

Anyway, took out a pair of old kicks today. A green pair of Adidas that I LOVE. They are so old that they don't really have any support left, but one day isn't going to kill me - especially since I am only planning on walking to my car to go to work later. Mostly I just sit here in front of the computer and stare at images that I'm trying to change in some form or fashion. Don't need good shoes for that. My butt sure does hurt after awhile, but that is a personal problem.

Newest Gig

So the last time I wrote about my Gigs there were 2 - one with The Bridge, and one with Jimmy John's. I hate to report that the one with Jimmy John's lasted about a day. The work sucked, the people were not friendly, and all in all - it wasn't for me. Call me a baby - it is over. My new gig to replace JJs is working at the climbing wall at Dicks. More hours, friendlier people, good atmosphere, and just plain fun. Before you knew me I worked at a camp. At that camp I worked the climbing wall in the day, and did sound and stuff at night. Well when I worked the wall I had to climb up the inside of it to get to the top. I was in charge at the top. Everyone who made it to the top went through me and down the zip line. That wall was hard to climb on the inside. They drove spikes into one of the main support beams, and you had to climb it like a latter. Toward the top they got farther and farther apart until you were pulling yourself up with your arms until you got to the next spike. Then at the top you had to open a large trap door to get out onto the platform. All in all it was a difficult process. Well, found out today that I get to do that again. Instead of running the zip line up there - every night we have to go to the top to check all the rigging that is holding the belay line. The climb up on this one isn't much easier. Metal scaffolding is the style of this climb. It is going to take me a few trys to really get the hang of it. Until then, I am huffing and puffing all the way up (due to my chubby body shape, and my out of shape climbing limbs).

Weekend

I spent the weekend at my mom's (hence the limited - but not absent - blogging). Due to my new commitment to blogging I haven't missed a day yet. I think I have failed when it comes to NABLOPOMO - because I haven't gone back to that site once and written one word. I'm not even sure I am properly set up on their site. But the point is to write everyday . . . right?
So I spent Saturday visiting my grandmother in the hospital. I am glad that I didn't know she was there until after I got to town. Mostly because it would have made the drive terrible because that would have been all I thought about. Instead I spent the 5 hours trying to think of a name for my new company. I want to use Morgan, but I don't just want to call it Morgan Graphics or something simple like that. I want the name to be witty - something that some people see and immediately know that I am referencing something obscure from a movie, or that the way I used the words was a pun - but I don't want the name to be stupid. The fact that I make it pun-ny, or obscure may make it stupid. I also know that by trying to do that I will probably not be able to use Morgan. Any suggestions?

. . .

And you thought I wouldn't write every day.

What a November!

I have signed up with this site - http://nablopomo.ning.com/ - where you blog everyday of November. I guess it is to get you excited about your blog . . . or something. I don't really know, to be honest I haven't read all the rules - and you know how I am about rules, I have to know them all so I know which ones to keep and which ones to break. At this point I'm not sure if I am suppose to blog here or there all month, my guess is I will just copy one from the other. I am keeping with my new mantra of Pictures, Pictures, Pictures . . . but not today. I am on my way out of town - literally heading toward the door, and I didn't want to forget to write today to stay on the goal of one blog a day.

Have a good Friday night, see you tomorrow!

Look What I Can Do!

I went from this to that today. Don't ask me how to do it, I had to have my hand held through the whole process. Maybe I can do it again without looking at the directions . . . but I'm not quite sure.

Pauses

We were wrapping up when some people asked some very real rhetorical questions, and related some interesting dreams, that I said:

"Why do we even have to have a building?"

This was met with a long pause, and about an hour long discussion of what that would look like and how that would actually be possible. And after a few more pauses I think we figured it out, that not only would it be possible, it would probably be preferred because that is the whole point of it all.

Photos

I have been watching Blogger Play off and on for about a month. They finally have a tool that you can put on your iGoogle so you can watch when you get on your computer. I am waiting for them to make a tool so that I can put it here on my blog page - like a picture or a cell of information (TAKE THE HINT GOOGLE GEEKS AND MAKE ME A CELL OF BLOGGER PLAY). Anyway, I have been watching Blogger Play, and it made me realize I don't put many pictures up here in my entries. Your inner monologue about my blog probably sounds something like this:

"What could make Katie's blog better? Gee, I can't think of anything right now - it seems so great already. Everything I could ever want is all here."

I totally agree, but I am finding more and more people have one picture or two to illustrate their blog point, or just to have up to say "I'm obsessed with famous people, so I am going to put up all the trash the paparazzi take." (a blog I saw recently, that made me worry about the future of our country and our obsession with famous people that have no value other than to look good in movies.) So, maybe that is what I will start doing - posting a picture. It may or may not have ANYTHING to do with the blog for that day. I will let you be the judge.

Either way - the picture today is from my first Photo Shop class. I am teaching myself Photo Shop and this was the first lesson. The picture I was given was all bright, and I had to make the one coin stand out from the rest of the picture by darkening the rest and leaving the coin alone. A great skill that took no time at all, and I'm not sure I still remember how to do now that it has been done. Wish me luck, I hope to finish off a Photo Shop self teach class as well as a Dream Weaver self teach class by at least the end of the year, if not by Thanksgiving.

Tuesday

As of tomorrow, I will be one step closer to a KETTLEBELL!

New Feeling

I woke up this morning . . . early. Not as in "early" before my alarm went off, like "early" I had to get up early. I was out late the night before partying it up after the Rockies win . . . wait, that wasn't it . . . right, those idiot Red Sox are winning all these games - jerks. No, I was out with some friends eating big cookies and ice cream, and chicken fingers, and garlic bread. Don't think all those things go together? Neither did I, but it worked out alright.



So, on with where I started. I woke up early, I had to be at church a little earlier this morning for a series of events. A new class, tech, and a meeting. The day got off to a slow start, I was moving slow, and dressing slow. The last place I wanted to be was out of my bed, and I was in the thick of it having to think during the service. I sat down at the computer and I felt something different. It wasn't external, it was internal. As time went on it intensified. I found myself smiling, tapping my leg to the beat of the music, even letting my little mistakes I made go. Was it . . . dare I say it - contentment, joy perhaps? It is a weird feeling, I don't feel it enough to really know - but I think that could be it. Here's hoping to it lasting longer than 12 hours.

Late

I noticed today that my profile said I was a landscape architect. I'm not . . . any more. So I updated it, about 6 weeks too late. I never look at my profile - I think overall it is outdated. Some of my favorite movies have changes, favorite books, even favorite artists. At some point it might not be worth it.

I'm not quite sure why I am writing this. Maybe because I'm bored. I have been up since 10 - and I haven't done anything all day but walk my dog and take a shower. I took a 2 hour nap with my dog from 1 to 3 by accident, and in a very uncomfortable position. I woke up 20 times to her kicking me in the stomach - but never actually got up so she would stop. I need to work more hours.

Entrances and Exits

Some people come in and out of your life so quickly. Giving you just a glimpse into who they are and where they are headed in life. Sometimes you get a good look at them, and just start to really get into your relationship to them before they are gone again. Some of them are gone forever, never to be heard from again. Some come and go at random intervals; leaving you to enjoy the time they are with you, or enjoy the time they are gone.

Some people come into your life and stay awhile. You get a chance to really see who they are. You learn their moods, you learn there history, you see into their future, and you really get a chance to know them and enjoy them like you would a great book. Those are the people in my life that I feel like I can never get enough time with. I am blessed with too many great books, that I don't have time to give them all the attention I want - or get all the stories told I want.

None of that makes any sense. So I guess I will go to the library and get a real book.

none

sandwich making is hard

working at the bridge is fun, but i wish i had more hours so i didn't have to make sandwiches

the indians are up 3 games to 1, but i don't think that is going to last through tonight

i want to read a really good story

actually i want you to read me a really good story - or to tell me one from your life.

New Gig(s)

Yesterday was Blog Action Day . . . or something like that. As a blogging community we were suppose to write about the environment . . . or something. As you can tell by my blog I didn't write anything political yesterday, and usually I don't. Why stray away from that now? For those of you who know me in real life - I'm not generally a political person, nor do I join bandwagons like the environment, or the elections. Am I off the wagon, or on the wagon? I don't remember which. I care about the environment, so I recycle when I remember, try to reuse things, and try to minimize my garbage. That isn't a bandwagon, that is just adjusting my life to do some things that can help. I stay up on current political trends, mostly just to know who I am going to vote for - but again, no agenda. I vote and that is the end of it. I'm not going to spend my time telling you who to vote for and why. Basically, I don't care enough. Maybe that is a problem, maybe that is apathy, maybe it is what more people should do, or maybe I should be more involved. Either way, I'm sticking to what works for me for now.

Well I have a new gig. Since my last post I have another new gig. So two new gigs. For one I was hired yesterday and I start today. It is at Jimmy John's - the best sandwich in town. I know there is a lot of debate over that fact, but its science. I use to eat at Jimmy John's all the time. I would eat there about 2 times a week, more if I had the money or the time. After awhile I quit going, because I realized that their whole operation was a gimmick. Every restaurant has a gimmick and I hate that. I just want to eat food. What I liked about JJ's is that there was no gimmick (I thought at the time). They were against the system, they ran against the grain, they had shirts dripping with sarcasm, and walls covered in signs and art that were just as drippy. What I began to realize is that wasn't anti-gimmick, that was the gimmick. So I quit going. Well this recent drought of work has put me in a position to take jobs I wouldn't normally take, so I went in and got the job. I'm excited. It isn't going to make me a lot of money, but I will be making some, and I can be pretty flexible on the hours for the most part. I may work a week and hate it, but I'm hoping not.

My other gig starts tomorrow. I will be working with The Bridge St. Louis. It is part time, for now, with building hours as time goes on. My hope is that I can gradually increase this and slowly phase out JJ's. Again, not going to make my fortune here, but the dividends are great. Mostly I will be a personal assistant until things really get moving, then I can phase into a permanent job with a different title. I am mostly excited about this one, since it is ultimately what I want to be doing with my life.

So that is about it I think. I'm actually kind of sad that my vacation is over. It was a month long, but I think I should have used it better. Oh well, I was being cautious in case I couldn't find a job.

M.

Relief

What a relief today was. After a week of wondering what the hell God was doing with me - I had a day full of encouragement and good news. I literally yelled at God this morning,

"THIS SUCKS! I MEAN IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. I JUST WANT ONE THING TO COME THROUGH FOR ME TODAY!"

And you know what happened. I didn't hear a booming voice come from the sky, or have a gentle wind blow through my hair - I got 2 phone calls, and 5 conversations with different people, and one dream job that I always imagined, but never thought it would be come a reality.

Who says God doesn't talk to people?

Yea

Not to rub it in any one's face or anything - but the Indians just beat the Yankees again tonight and they are moving on to the next round. Finally, my team is going forward, and a few Yankees are going to have to look for another team . . . possibly a new line of work. I was going to use an Indians picture - but this one seemed much more appropriate.

I hope they can beat Boston . . . keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

Vacation Day

Today I took a vacation. You didn't know I was going on a vacation? I didn't really either - I just decided yesterday I was going to take one. One day, that was all I was taking. Driving less than 2 hours to my destination and come hell or high water I was going to go. Come to find out it was rain that threatened my speedy trip . . . but that comes later.

I went to Onondaga Cave State Park. Never heard of it? Neither had I. I spent lunch time on a guided tour of the cave. There were 5 other people along (I thought kids were in school). It was pretty neat. I have been on several cave tours over my lifetime, I like them very much. Once, when I was in high school I went spelunking with a group - no tour, just you and a flashlight (and a prayer that you didn't get lost). The history of the cave was neat, and the formations were spectacular. No pictures - it was too dark in there and I didn't want the flash to bother people. So here is a picture from the website.

Before going into the cave I had decided to walk the two trails there to get some time away from the noise. After leaving the cave I was standing in a rain storm. I got in my car to leave, but I took one last drive around the park. I decided on the drive that I wasn't going to leave - so I drove to one of the trail heads and set off. I have done dumber things in my life, but this was something I needed to do. I walked on for a while, loosing all track of time and distance. I could hear the thunder in the distance, but I was barely getting wet because of the tree cover. I knew I wasn't in the main storm yet, just the outskirts of rain. I listened as the thunder came closer. I debated on turning around and going back - but I wasn't sure how far I had gone. I could be close to the end, or less than half way. So I tucked my head down and headed on, not really knowing what the rest of the trail would hold for me. The downpour came - but I didn't get completely wet, I was still protected by the trees. The storm raged all around me, but where I was had a calm to it. I came to a fork in the road. Go over to the next trail and another 3 miles, or stay on the first trail with little more to go. I decided to just head back to the car. I had had enough foolish adventure for one day.

So that sums it up I guess. Short vacation, but good for me none the less.

Writers Block

I got this book about 8 months ago. I had the dream of becoming a writer. I didn't care if I was really that good, I just thought I could be a writer. I always used the excuse that I never had the time. Well I have a lot of time now, and I'm not using one damn minute of it.

Anyway - back to the book. I looked all over the internet to find an appropriate picture. It is hard to describe the book - it is an actual block. I couldn't find one - only a picture of the cover, so I decided that I would take a picture of it myself. I think that took more time than looking for the picture, because I hated every picture I took of it. Finally I said F*#@ it and just used one. See that is how my life is and how that part of my life has been magnified by having time on my hands. I use to think if I can't do it really well there is no point in doing it. Now I think if I can't do it really well I will keep trying until it is perfect - and the more you do that the less happy you become with the results and in the end it drives you crazy. What if this free time literally drives me crazy? That is another post I suspect.

BACK TO THE BOOK! Anyway it is an actual block. It is full of words, pictures, and tricks from authors all to get you past the writers block. It can either be used to kick start your idea, help you out of those jams you get into after awhile, or to start you down a completely different track.

So, today I am starting. I don't know what I am starting - I just am. I could be the next great novelist, or the next great nervous breakdown . . . at this point it could be either one or somewhere in between.

the journey

i am standing in a hallway of doors
each one of them leading to somewhere different
some of them are locked
some of them are open
some have windows so i can see inside

this is where i will begin
the journey stars here
in a place of in between
in a place that holds no time
in a place that seems to be lonely

there is no sign of which door will open
what if it is one i don't try
where does each door start
where does each door lead
where does each door come from

blogger play

i have been spending the last few minutes watching blogger play - http://play.blogger.com/. i sometimes wonder if that is wrong. blogger play is a program that was written to show pictures that are being uploaded to blogger at the time. sometimes you can see that people are putting up a series of pictures for one entry. it is fun to watch what people are picturing. for some reason the day time has many foreign language blogs (you can click on the picture and read the blog with the picture). i don't know if it is because they are evening bloggers and that is now! anyway, it is fun to watch for a bit, sometimes there are some really cool pictures and you get to see places you would never get a chance to go.

tomorrow is the official start of week 3 of my involuntary vacation. i have actually grown tired of my vacation - i think because i haven't gone anywhere fun. mostly i hang around the house napping, reading, and watching a movie. i have applied for a few jobs, but so far nothing is really panning out. i was dragging my feet on really hitting the job search hard until i found out about one job in particular. i have wanted to work at this place for about 5 years, and now i have the opportunity. it is called the bridge - www.thebridgejoplin.com. i had a meeting with the head of it all yesterday - so it was do or die - and i guess the outcome was in the middle. i think i have a shot there if i can wait about 6 months. my money is going a long way these days, but not that far. so i either have to get a real job, or work at a minor job until the one i want becomes available. i think part of the problem is i don't know what i want to do for them. i don't really care if i sweep floors and clean bathrooms as long as i get to be there working there, the whole place just puts out this feeling that i can't describe. so when asked, what do you see doing here - i answer just being here is enough. i know that it isn't all roses and sunshine, probably most of it is the thorns and sun burn - but i honestly don't care. it is hard to tell someone that when they are in the middle of the 3rd degree burns applying aloe with band aids on their bleeding fingers. they know better than i do about it, so who am i to argue it. i guess i was most disappointed because in all of what has happened in the last 2 weeks i have seen a bigger picture, a bigger plan that i am a part of. when asking god to shut the doors he didn't want me to go through and open the one he did - i didn't expect to get shoved through one only to have it slammed and dead bolted behind me by getting fired (or being forced to quit). so i figured with something that big happening there had to be something big down the hall of doors i have available to me now. come to find out the door i want is locked with one of those chains, so i can open it a bit and see inside but i can't touch anything there. so i'm really left to wonder - where the hell is this other door i'm suppose to find.

did have a good lunch with a friend of mine. i don't know how he does it, but he always makes me feel a little bit better.

Friends

I have been going back and forth about this entry all day. That is right, I have thought about this ALL DAY. I don't think what I am going to say now is close to what I was going to say then, but we will see.

When I was growing up I had a lot of friends. I mean, I was friends with EVERYBODY. It was easier that way. Being friends with everyone meant you didn't have to share a lot about who you truly were because you had so many different friends that they just figured that you shared that inner most stuff with someone else. It was also great to have many different friends with many different tastes and activities that you never had to settle into one thing. If I was with the drama kids I could be dramatic. If I didn't feel like being a Drama Queen (shut up, it CAN happen) then I could hang out with the science and math wizards. Don't feel scholarly - go hang out with the pot smokers. I lived that life for a long time. Probably lived it until I was about half way through college. Not a good time to decide to find out who you really are - because by that time you can get yourself into a lot of trouble in your search. I settled into a rhythm when I moved to St. Louis. No one here knew me, so I could be me and no one would question it because they didn't know me any differently. This is the first place I found friends that I really connected with on a true and healthy level. At that level you start to invest in people. Those friends become a part of you somehow. I have said of some of my friends here - they are the family I chose. And I truly believe that. Some of my friends here have become like family to me - closer than the brothers and sisters I really do have.

Now . . . well now I might have to leave. I might have to leave and never come back but for visits. I might get to leave and be back in a year or two. OR, I might not leave at all. At this point everything is too much in the air for me to take a guess. I don't want to guess, because it is too painful to think of the leaving part. It would be like ripping my arm off and saying "see how you handle life without that arm." I don't know if I can leave these people and not loose a huge chunk of my heart on my way down the road.

I'm crying just thinking about it.

Day 6

For those of you keeping track - I'm on day 6 of my involuntary vacation. I can honestly say I haven't done anything productive. My resume sits un-printed, and my portfolios sit on the corner of my desk collecting dust. I don't have any one to send them to. Quite honestly I'm not even sure why I printed those portfolios. They are outdated, and pertain to a life of working as a landscape architect. What if I don't want to do that anymore? I feel like I should make a move to find another job - I am just finding it hard when I am dealing with the loss of this one. How am I going to make it through the day without seeing and talking to my friends that still work there. Yes, there is email, and the occasional trips to their homes to swing on their swings, or to have dinner, or to have conversations about nothing - but the everyday ins and outs are gone. Then there is the thought that there is a very real possibility that I find a job that isn't here in St. Louis. That would mean, not only saying goodbye to those from work, but the entire community that has been growing around me for the past 3 years. That means no random swinging or random pop ins. I don't know if I can take that much change in a week, two weeks, month even.

Well enough of me sitting around. I guess I should go do something productive, like cleaning my room, or starting some laundry. I wonder how many times I can clean something before it is absolutely clean?

Vacation

The vacation feeling was ripped away from me today. Now this is all becoming so real.

Home Office

I have dubbed my desk as my new "Home Office". I am really starting to like it a lot. Here is what the Home Office has to offer:

1. The hours are flexible - I can sleep as late as I want and do what I need to do around the house and still make it to work on time. If that time is 8:00am, 11:00am, or 3:00pm. I also don't have to work a full 8 or 10 hour day. I can take an hour for lunch, or jet off to run some errands, or take a break and watch an episode of Heroes Season One (of which I have been given the new box set), or play with my dog.
2. There is a pre-paid gym membership - I have a free gym membership through July (I think). So I can head over there anytime I want and get my daily (right) dose of exercise if I want it.
3. We have interenet access, all the word programs, SketchUp, and games right at the touch of a button.
4. I am not hassled by silly rules: Like bosses reading my email, or that I even have to be wearing appropriate clothes - I could wear my pajamas for all that matters (though the difference between pajamas and my regular clothes is almost indistinguishable)
5. I don't really have to drive anywhere. I can mostly just walk or bike where I need to be. No fighting rush hour traffic both ways.
6. I can leave for a job interview and no one will be upset: actually I think they would be excited for me.
7. My one job here is to have fun: there is no point in doing something if it isn't fun. Even the job hunt can be fun, because you get to explore opportunities that you never thought possible, with companies you never thought you could work for.

Well, I do have to run now. A lead just came back over the wire - so I am off to do some of my magic.

M.

Movement Explained

This morning I woke up without an alarm. My first thought was: is it Saturday? My second thought was: "oh, yeah". See, yesterday I was told that I was no longer needed to perform the job I had been given a little over 3 years ago. Many words were said, only a few were needed, because I had that feeling that people get when bad news is given - give me the information and let me go process this, because I can't do it here sitting with you staring at me.

I have struggled off and on with my job since day one. Going through times thinking that I would be better off to go somewhere else, and then having those times where I can't imagine working anywhere else. Starting this spring I started getting into that part of my life where I wasn't sure where I should be, if that was really the place for me. That feeling never went away. I was in the process of steps that would help me make a true decision once and for all. These steps included:

• Trying to schedule a meeting with the owner and my direct boss to have a performance review, something that hadn't happened in about 2 years.
• Trying to only work 40 hours a week. By doing that I was reclaiming my life outside of the office. In the process I had to loose my carpool. In looking back on that decision - it made work harder.

There were other minor steps that I was taking, mostly they included not being negative about work when I wasn't there, and trying to do the job I was given the best way I could. After all that I still felt like maybe this wasn't the place for me to be. I set myself and a few others to be praying for me. Praying that I would know what to do next. That I would be able to know if I should leave, where I should go, and how I should handle it. I have so many great friends at my workplace, that I didn't want to damage any of those relationships. I didn't want to burn any bridges, and I didn't want to leave them in a jam until they found someone to take my place.

I will not go into the details of why I don't work there. I take responsibility for those things that I did wrong, I also acknowledge I don't have all the skills they were looking for - but then the question has to be asked: why was I hired if that was a problem?

At first I was devastated. It was honestly a big surprise, coming at me from left field without warning. As the night wore on I began to see that I was now free to do whatever I want (as long as it doesn't conflict with the non compete clause I signed). So today is a new day. I am jobless, but I am not homeless, penny less, or going hungry. It is a day to start over. To sort out my feelings and my thoughts. A day to write it all down so I don't leave anything out. A day to find what the next step is, because I don't really know what that step might be. I feel energized and actually a bit excited about these next few months of my life. A time where I can see what I am really made of. This has cut through all the bull shit that I have hidden behind for years and cut to the core of who I am what I want to be. I may not be able to save my reputation there as someone who walks around with a chip on their shoulder, or that I am poor at customer service - but I can build my new reputation as I walk out in faith today.

M.

Movement

I did NOT see that coming. I thought it would be by my own terms . . . I was wrong. My path has changed, and I didn't have one thing to say but: "oh".

This Path

I have spoken cryptically for about a month on loops, letting go, crying, and fight club. While I don't think I'm quite ready to spill all I know due to current subscriptions to this blog and relationships that I would like to keep in tact - I would like to say one thing. This path of life is hard. Just plain hard. It is hard when all you think about, and all you talk about starts to sound like a broken record of would-a, could-a, should-a, and should I? I'm having a real hard time as I come to grips with the fact that this path might not be for me anymore. How do I say goodbye to the ones that have walked beside me so long? How to I convince them to follow me on a new path, or to at least venture over to my path to say hello. How do I change my path? Do I take the fork in the road, or do I double back to a point I past long ago and strike out in a new direction. C.S. Lewis once said something about paths:

"We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man . . . And I think if you look at the present state of the world, it is pretty plain that humanity has been making some big mistake. We are on the wrong road. And if that is so, we must go back. Going back is the quickest way on."

I don't feel like I was ever on the wrong path. I just feel like maybe this path isn't mine anymore. It was good for me for the time. I learned many lessons, made many friends, and I am finding that I am walking down this path a very different person than the one who started on this turn of my life. I will take that with me always, now if I could just find a map to my next destination. Maybe my next destination is on this path - only time will tell.

Dear friends, if you are reading this and you worry for me, for you, for us - take heart. For I love you all very much, and I will fight with every last breath in my body to keep you with me if this path reaches a turning point; don't borrow trouble for tomorrow.

i cried

. . . but it wasn't buyers remorse.

Let Go

While I was working on some stuff tonight I was listening to my iTunes. For those of you that know me well, you will know that this is pretty rare. I do listen to music some, but I'm not an avid music listener. Blah, blah, blah - moving on to the point.

I am going through a few changes in my life. Taking steps that are taking me in directions I never thought possible. While working on one of those steps I hear the song Let Go by Barlow Girl. Whether you like them or not, you will just have to trust me that the lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

Let Go

Barlow Girl

I remember times You led me

This time it's bigger now

And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?

Will You prove Yourself again?

[Chorus:]'Cause I'm about to let go

And live what I believe

I can't do a thing now

But trust that You'll catch me

When I let go

When I let go

What is this doubt in me

Convincing me to fear the unknown

When all along You've shown

Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it

If I do this all alone

Much Ado About Nothing

. . . that is how i feel that i have treated many (if not all) incidences in my life.

3 Days

I finally had a weekend where I got a lot done, and got to relax. Probably because I was able to have 3 days worth of a weekend. A friend came over on Saturday to help me get some brush cleaned up in my backyard. I don't like chainsaws . . . and he will chainsaw so we were a match that day. He did stay and help clean up the limbs - too kind. I don't have any before pictures but this is how it looks now:Imaginate the area full of honeysuckle and poison ivy. I'm not done by any stretch of the imagination, but - it is way closer than it was. Just to give you an idea of how much of a jungle it was - this is what was left over:

18 bags, and countless bundles of limbs - not to count the bags and limbs I put out on the curb last week. Maybe 4 bags and 5 bundles. So Saturday was spent cutting all that down and cleaning some of it up . . . Saturday night off to a friends house for some movies. Sunday was spent with some time alone and partying like it was 1999. A block party - same friends block, 12 Quarts of ice cream. Today we finished the clean up and I spent 3 hours napping on the couch.

I will leave you with this last look of the weekend:

This is what you get for trying to take pictures of your accomplishments. Bragging only leads to injury.

Note To Self

Don't watch Disturbia alone.

Angry Anymore

I heard this song on the way home from work today. The first verse struck me the hardest, because that is what I have been learning this year.

Angry Anymore

Ani Difranco

growing up it was just me and my mom

against the world

and all my sympathies were with her

when i was a little girl

but now i've seen both my parents

play out the hands they were dealt

and as each year goes by

i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand

that i know what all the fighting was for

and i just want you to understand

that i'm not angry anymore

i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war

with quiet charm

but i just want to walk

through my life unarmed

to accept and just get by

like my father learned to do

but without all the acceptance and getting by

that got my father through

night falls like people into love

we generate our own light

to compensate

for the lack of light from above

every time we fight

a cold wind blows our way

but we learn like the trees

how to bend

how to sway and say

i, i think i understand

what all this fighting is for

and baby, i just want you to understand

that i'm not angry anymore

no, i'm not angry anymore

28 Words

Can you do it?

http://web.mac.com/larryvaughan/iWeb/Site/Blog/AED4AD18-7890-4EAF-B94D-CE10D3173DF0.html

Spent my life pleasing. Making sure I walked the straight and narrow. Took a detour where I was anything but. Now I fight to find balance between them.

28, count them if you question.

Loops

I've been doing a lot of walking lately. For one, it is good for me. Two, good for my dog. Three, it is a nice time away from the noise that permeates my life. I'm not saying that the people I live with are loud, but walking gives me a chance to be quiet - away from T.V., computer, books, work, and hobbies. To make my walks more interesting, I don't take the same route every day. When I find myself getting tired of the varied loops I have made around my neighborhood, I branch out to other neighborhoods. Soon those loops become apart of my collection of possible loops that I can take everyday. One thing that I notice is that when I go down a road I have never traveled before, everything looks new. The houses might look similar to the ones I have walked past before, but they are still different. The road seems longer, and things seem foreign. When I walk it the second time I know what to expect. I know where the end of the road is, what all the possible cut offs are to another road, and the houses start looking more familiar. Every time that I branch off into another area of town I become more familiar with it, and in turn things doing seem so big anymore.

I feel like, in my life I am at a point where I need to add to my loops to my collection. I feel like I am standing at a four way intersection. If I take a left, I will continue on a loop I have been on many times before. The loop is as familiar as the back of my hand. If go straight, I will take a path that I have only traveled once or twice. I know where it is going, I know how long it will take me, and all the houses seem a lot less foreign. If I go right, I venture into a whole new neighborhood where the houses are different, and I don't know where the other streets lead. They may lead to a dead end, they may lead to a new loop, they may even continue on with no place to turn around. I guess if I go right, I will at least have my dog with me to keep me company.

Looks Are Everything!

It looks like a pharmacy exploded on my desk. I don't like this at all.

FINALLY

FINALLY CAUGHT HER! I can never catch her doing this . . . AND she let me take a bunch of pictures of her.

Now I Know

The answer to my last question of what I would do if I were alone in a cabin somewhere would be to sleep. I got up this morning, went for a walk, read a bit, and instead of writing - I slept. I slept a long time. Maybe that is what I would do. I wouldn't be productive, I would just be a lump on the couch. Maybe that is just a symptom of my week - because I feel awake now, so I may go out and run some errands. See, I didn't say I was going to write anything.

A few observations from today:

1. My neighbors just took the cover off of their pool today. It is the middle of August. In about a month they are going to have to just put it back on. Why not take it off at a time where you have 3 months to enjoy?
2. I haven't written about my life here much lately - and there have been many things happening. I think I will give an update . . . later.

I guess that is all. Like I said, I have been sleeping - so there isn't much to say about this day. OHHH, I did have some crazy dreams, a mix of work related topics with my medical history. It was bazaar.

M.

Brain Cloud

I believe I have said it before and I will say it again - I believe in brain clouds (obscure movie reference), and I do believe I might have one. It has been moving in now for about a week. Making its trek across my mind and settling in. The cloud grows darker as each day passes, and I find it more and more difficult to make normal conversation. I would make a great hermit. Just me and my dog, off alone, in a cabin by a lake. Maybe then I would start writing for real, because I had the time and the quiet. Or maybe the quiet would make me loose my mind. Jury is still out on that one.

M

Get Smart Trailer

I don't know if I can wait until 2008. I can say one thing - this excites me!

Star Jones: I had gastric-bypass surgery

Duh!

What A Laugh

Together we laugh a lot. Too bad we aren't together more often.

Guilt

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the GUILT

Fight Club

I wish that Fight Club was real. I don't mean the crazy stuff they did on the outside, I just mean the fighting part. Maybe it is real, they just don't talk about it.

He Hit It

He hits the nail on the head with that last part. Not sure about everything leading up to it, but the ending seemed about right.

Maybe you know what it is like to be stuck. One of the phrases that best describes addiction is “temporary suicide.” He doesn’t have the stomach or the means to draw the final curtain. But he sure as hell can make this pain go away for a few hours. If you are seeking relief, look no further. This stuff will fit the bill. When there are no answers, this is the best answer. And my man has NO CHOICE in the moment. NONE.

If you don’t understand that, you don’t understand addiction. The drugs and the alcohol aren’t the problem. It’s the brain. What we’ve learned about addiction recently will blow you away. When addiction sets up in the brain, it comes to rest in the survival center. It’s where the caveman and cavewoman live. Real primal stuff. So what would you do to survive? Eat human flesh? Cut off your arm with a pocketknife? For the addict in the late stages of the disease, using is literally a matter of survival. You can’t talk them out of it. You can’t pray them out of it. You can’t guilt them out of it. You can’t even incarcerate them out of it. The only way they even
consider the possibility of quitting is when that first light bulb hits their brain: Maybe, just maybe there’s another way to ease this pain.

To read the rest, head over here: http://web.mac.com/larryvaughan/iWeb/Site/Blog/D2D82C54-FDAE-4223-8189-E7F72170FA19.html

Turn me off

I just want to turn my brain off. I don't really care how it happens, I just want it off.

Taste

Hope differed makes the heart sick . . . it's Biblical. There are things I want in life, and I am nowhere nearer to having them than I was a year ago, two years ago, heck - 10 years ago. Some days I wonder if it is me . . . mostly it is. I use to think that if I had a taste of it, that maybe I wouldn't want it anymore. I would see it for what it really is, and I would decide that maybe it wasn't really for me to begin with. But now I get tastes of them every once and awhile, and it just leaves me wanting more. Some tastes are so good, the only thing you can do is savor it, and wait for another taste - hoping that the next taste might truly be the meal you get to enjoy forever. The problem is how you handle the days, weeks, months that you can't taste it at all.

I

Because it is all about me. I found this fill in the blank on a blog that no one writes in anymore. They use to write a lot, but I guess things just fizzled out. It is by pure chance I found it and I thought that the exercise was neat. I am not going to fill it out tonight, I will probably sleep on it awhile.

i want:
i promise:
i desire:
i need:
i believe:
i love:
i hate:
i treasure:
i am:
i hope:
i know:

UGGGGGG

It's too HOT

The Cruel Light of Reality

At some point I think I am going to have to realize that what I think I want, is in reality not at all what I want. When the reality of my situation sets in, I realize that what I want may not really exist. I guess that is why they call some things dreams.

Complications

Why do I make everything so complicated? Why can't I just live life and not interject it with my random thoughts, and interjections?

Happiness

Happiness is your arms glittering with little specs of glass of all different colors, from a stained glass project you are making for a friend. I guess it is my way of giving them something of myself, although I get to have all the fun.

Panic

I just had one of those moments. You know the one:

I hit send on an email, and immediately wanted to un-send it. That moment where you go - "oh crap. I hope they still talk to me tomorrow."

Cutting

I have this weird feeling - it is early, and I don't really want to go to bed, but I feel like it is too late to work on my current glass project. I am in limbo. I also feel like calling someone, which is not like me and is kind of scary. The thought entered my mind and totally freaked me out. Maybe this is a turning point in my life. Maybe this is why I have some time on my hands right now. I'm not going to take advantage of it - don't you worry about that. I'm going to let the moment pass, then regret it tomorrow.

As for my glass project - I am working on a window. A big window. Biggest project I have ever done. Well it is my third ever - so anything is bigger than the beginner things. I am afraid I got a little ambitious with this one, tried to make my own pattern. Worked well until I tried to cut it, then I realized that glass really doesn't want to cut the way I made my pattern. So I have had to improvise. Needless to say - this window will never be done again. It will truly be a one of a kind.

Glass is funny that way. I have never worked closely with glass in it's liquid form, but I have watched. And I would bet there are certain rules that glass makes you follow in that form, just as in it's solid form. For instance, you can only break glass a certain way. You can not make inside corners, or deep inside curves. Glass wants to break straight. So when breaking a curved piece it doesn't really want to do that. When I say break - I mean a controlled break. I'm not just sitting around throwing glass on the ground hoping for the pieces I need, I am controlling the break to a point, by scoring the glass first, then applying pressure to break it. You knew that, I just told you again because I can. It makes me feel smart, like I know things that you don't - but the reality is, I don't really know anything more than you do - actually I know less. Anyway, because you can't only control glass to a point, patterns have to follow specific rules. Well I broke a big one with this pattern, and now I am paying for it. BUT - the result is amazing (I think). I just spent that entire paragraph talking in circles. I might need to consult the little writer inside me and see if she really does want to come out - because it could be a disaster.

Year In Review: Part 2

Well my birthday has come and gone, so it is time for my annual recap of my year. As I have said before - New Year's Eve is a great time to take stock and review, but as for me - I pick my birthday. I have hit 28 (an even number for those of you keeping track). Ever since 18 even numbered years have been overall negative, and odd numbered years have been overall positive. I think last year and the beginning of this one has proved that that isn't really the case anymore. I am not a superstitious person by nature, so I think the whole even/odd thing was my superstition.

ANYWAY . . .
This year was good . . . I think. To be honest I don't really remember it as a whole. That isn't to say I spent the year waisted and can't remember anything of significance - I think what I am saying is that there are few things that stick out to me. Which is good, because usually negative things stick out to me, and I think the most important thing that happened to me this year is that I learned to let some of the negative things in my life go.

Still working at Poynter Landscape (www.poynterlandscape.com for those of you keeping track), one month into year four. Funny, I didn't think I would last that long - but I have, and I am more or less liking it. My old roommate got married, so I moved, still live in a basement, but this one is much warmer. My dog and I reached a new level in our relationship, one where I realize that she is a dog and not my kid - we are much happier that way.

Lessons, or events that made 27:

1. Got up the guts to go over to a friends house and swing. Swinging, as you may or may not know, was my favorite activity as a child. So much so that any time I feel any negative emotion is makes it less, and any time I feel a positive emotion it makes it heightened. It is my personal belief that is was the spring board for my healthier mental outlook- and they might never get me to leave their backyard.

2. I quit going to counseling. This was a major event in my life - some even said I graduated, and I feel a bit like I did. The first title for this Blog was "Hey - Where Is My Couch", meaning this was where I was going to vent. Blogging wasn't enough so I went to talk to someone that had skin. Earlier this year I changed the name of my blog to "Sarcastic and Single" because I felt like I was coming to an end of the era of needing a couch (and because someone said that about me). As of a few months ago - that was true, I was at the end of the era of needing a couch. And, so it seems, the end of the era for really needing the blog (of which I already talked about in "Dear Gentle Reader").

3. Year 27 was the year of Little Miss Sunshine. I don't think I could count how many times I have seen this movie in the last year. But it has become a staple of my movie watching.

4. Finally understood my dad, and knew that maybe turning out to be like him wasn't as bad as I had originally suspected. In fact, figured if I did turn out to be like him that would probably be a good thing. I think I get him now, and the original horror of being like him as turned into wonder.

5. I learned that grief comes in many different forms, and can come from many different events - not just death. I spent the entire month of May in grief over the loss of my childhood innocence that my parents and grandparents aren't invincible.

6. I learned that no matter how normal your work shirts look - they do have your company's name on them and shouldn't be worn to social events.

7. Cancun is the closest I have come to heaven on earth. Not sure if it was the combination of the sun, the beach, the language, or the company - but it really was a great time. Only the second vacation spot that I can truly say I will go back again.

8. Wendy's disappeared from St. Louis. I never knew how much I liked Wendy's until it was gone. Now I have to travel an hour if I want a Jr. Bacon Cheese Burger, and that is just wrong. And "Oh the humanity" when they show a Wendy's commercial on TV.

9. I will not spend another New Year's Eve at a party - unless it involves a movie marathon, and me laying around in sweats eating ice cream.

10. I decided that someday I want to write. Whether it be an essay, a story, a term paper, or an instructional manual. I just know that somewhere inside of me there is a writer that wants to come out. It may not be during 28, it may not be until 82, but she is in there . . . I think she is just scared.