Dreams

I had a dream last night that I married my last boyfriend. It wasn't a dream where I married him around the time we were dating, but I married him now - 5 years after we had broken up (that's right, it has been 5 years - shut up). In my dream we met again at some function and got married a few days later. The strange thing is, I was happy. I was happy in the marriage, in the relationship. My biggest fear in marriage is that I won't be happy. Or I will be happy at the beginning, but after the newness wears off I won't be happy anymore. I do not worry that he will leave me, I worry that I will leave him. There is a quote from Mr. and Mrs. Smith that hits what I feel (and fear) about marriage:
Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

So the fact that I had a dream about being married and I was happy makes me . . . well, happy. The fact that I married him and I was happy makes me a little sad. By the end of our relationship I was so unhappy. We were doomed from the start. We started dating 2 weeks before he moved 5 hours away. Within 6 months we were through, because we couldn't hold a new relationship together that far apart. I wonder what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances. First we wouldn't have had the whole distance thing. Second maybe I would have been a little better equipped for a relationship. I had too much baggage that I brought to the relationship, too much that I couldn't do anything but hold the bags - there was no room to hold him. Since our break up I have worked hard to get rid of those bags. Many of them are gone now. Some are lighter. Still, some others are there, but slowly getting unpacked. But in the end I never gave him (or us) the chance to succeed. It wasn't a question in my head of if I would leave the relationship, but when.

That is the cycle I need to break. Going into everything thinking "when I mess up I'll ____." Instead I need to just go with it. Let what happens, happen. At that time in my life, we would have eventually ended anyway . . . but now, I am different. Now I'm super cute, and I know it. Now I have a backbone and know how to use it. Now I am carrying less bags. So you. Yes you, you know who you are. Take a chance.