Traffic Jam

I feel like I should write something here - something besides another persons post, or a short sentence about nothing in particular. Show of hands of people who actually read this - that's what I thought.

Moving right along.

I feel like my head is in a traffic jam. I have so many different thoughts and feelings and they all kind of get trapped at an intersection, or a bottle neck on the highway. Nothing can really come out of it all, everything is just waiting for their turn. In that traffic jam are the thoughts or feelings that are angry drivers. The thoughts that are pissed for being stuck and take it out on every other thought around it. Many of my thoughts and feelings are at odds with each other. I have a feeling, but there is a thought that knows that feeling is crap. Who will win that battle, and does it even matter? I was told that feelings are valid, but are they really? What if you have a feeling that you know is wrong, or that there isn't something quite right about it. Is it still valid? I guess maybe it isn't valid, but it is real - I really have this feeling of anger, jealousy, greed, lust, or whatever - but it doesn't make it right. So then the thought comes that it isn't right, so the obvious solution is to fight it. Causing a wreck in the already tight traffic jam.

Where am I going with this you might ask. Well the answer is quite simple - I have no idea. I guess what I am saying is this. I have feelings of anger, I have feelings of jealousy, I have feelings of greed, I have feelings of lust, I have feelings of inadequacy, I have feelings of happiness even. I do believe they are all real but not valid. There are feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, etc. That I have that I know in my head aren't right. I shouldn't feel them, yet I do. So that makes me feel stupid. Why should I have those feelings, they aren't right, they shouldn't be there.

So basically this post is about saying everything twice, and neither time is less confusing than the other.


I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I haven't felt doubt. Doubt in any decision, any feeling, any thought, any relationship. So how can I be sure in those decisions, feelings, thoughts, or relationships. And in the end who is going to stick around while I figure that out?