Friends

I have been going back and forth about this entry all day. That is right, I have thought about this ALL DAY. I don't think what I am going to say now is close to what I was going to say then, but we will see.

When I was growing up I had a lot of friends. I mean, I was friends with EVERYBODY. It was easier that way. Being friends with everyone meant you didn't have to share a lot about who you truly were because you had so many different friends that they just figured that you shared that inner most stuff with someone else. It was also great to have many different friends with many different tastes and activities that you never had to settle into one thing. If I was with the drama kids I could be dramatic. If I didn't feel like being a Drama Queen (shut up, it CAN happen) then I could hang out with the science and math wizards. Don't feel scholarly - go hang out with the pot smokers. I lived that life for a long time. Probably lived it until I was about half way through college. Not a good time to decide to find out who you really are - because by that time you can get yourself into a lot of trouble in your search. I settled into a rhythm when I moved to St. Louis. No one here knew me, so I could be me and no one would question it because they didn't know me any differently. This is the first place I found friends that I really connected with on a true and healthy level. At that level you start to invest in people. Those friends become a part of you somehow. I have said of some of my friends here - they are the family I chose. And I truly believe that. Some of my friends here have become like family to me - closer than the brothers and sisters I really do have.

Now . . . well now I might have to leave. I might have to leave and never come back but for visits. I might get to leave and be back in a year or two. OR, I might not leave at all. At this point everything is too much in the air for me to take a guess. I don't want to guess, because it is too painful to think of the leaving part. It would be like ripping my arm off and saying "see how you handle life without that arm." I don't know if I can leave these people and not loose a huge chunk of my heart on my way down the road.

I'm crying just thinking about it.

Day 6

For those of you keeping track - I'm on day 6 of my involuntary vacation. I can honestly say I haven't done anything productive. My resume sits un-printed, and my portfolios sit on the corner of my desk collecting dust. I don't have any one to send them to. Quite honestly I'm not even sure why I printed those portfolios. They are outdated, and pertain to a life of working as a landscape architect. What if I don't want to do that anymore? I feel like I should make a move to find another job - I am just finding it hard when I am dealing with the loss of this one. How am I going to make it through the day without seeing and talking to my friends that still work there. Yes, there is email, and the occasional trips to their homes to swing on their swings, or to have dinner, or to have conversations about nothing - but the everyday ins and outs are gone. Then there is the thought that there is a very real possibility that I find a job that isn't here in St. Louis. That would mean, not only saying goodbye to those from work, but the entire community that has been growing around me for the past 3 years. That means no random swinging or random pop ins. I don't know if I can take that much change in a week, two weeks, month even.

Well enough of me sitting around. I guess I should go do something productive, like cleaning my room, or starting some laundry. I wonder how many times I can clean something before it is absolutely clean?

Vacation

The vacation feeling was ripped away from me today. Now this is all becoming so real.

Home Office

I have dubbed my desk as my new "Home Office". I am really starting to like it a lot. Here is what the Home Office has to offer:

1. The hours are flexible - I can sleep as late as I want and do what I need to do around the house and still make it to work on time. If that time is 8:00am, 11:00am, or 3:00pm. I also don't have to work a full 8 or 10 hour day. I can take an hour for lunch, or jet off to run some errands, or take a break and watch an episode of Heroes Season One (of which I have been given the new box set), or play with my dog.
2. There is a pre-paid gym membership - I have a free gym membership through July (I think). So I can head over there anytime I want and get my daily (right) dose of exercise if I want it.
3. We have interenet access, all the word programs, SketchUp, and games right at the touch of a button.
4. I am not hassled by silly rules: Like bosses reading my email, or that I even have to be wearing appropriate clothes - I could wear my pajamas for all that matters (though the difference between pajamas and my regular clothes is almost indistinguishable)
5. I don't really have to drive anywhere. I can mostly just walk or bike where I need to be. No fighting rush hour traffic both ways.
6. I can leave for a job interview and no one will be upset: actually I think they would be excited for me.
7. My one job here is to have fun: there is no point in doing something if it isn't fun. Even the job hunt can be fun, because you get to explore opportunities that you never thought possible, with companies you never thought you could work for.

Well, I do have to run now. A lead just came back over the wire - so I am off to do some of my magic.

M.

Movement Explained

This morning I woke up without an alarm. My first thought was: is it Saturday? My second thought was: "oh, yeah". See, yesterday I was told that I was no longer needed to perform the job I had been given a little over 3 years ago. Many words were said, only a few were needed, because I had that feeling that people get when bad news is given - give me the information and let me go process this, because I can't do it here sitting with you staring at me.

I have struggled off and on with my job since day one. Going through times thinking that I would be better off to go somewhere else, and then having those times where I can't imagine working anywhere else. Starting this spring I started getting into that part of my life where I wasn't sure where I should be, if that was really the place for me. That feeling never went away. I was in the process of steps that would help me make a true decision once and for all. These steps included:

• Trying to schedule a meeting with the owner and my direct boss to have a performance review, something that hadn't happened in about 2 years.
• Trying to only work 40 hours a week. By doing that I was reclaiming my life outside of the office. In the process I had to loose my carpool. In looking back on that decision - it made work harder.

There were other minor steps that I was taking, mostly they included not being negative about work when I wasn't there, and trying to do the job I was given the best way I could. After all that I still felt like maybe this wasn't the place for me to be. I set myself and a few others to be praying for me. Praying that I would know what to do next. That I would be able to know if I should leave, where I should go, and how I should handle it. I have so many great friends at my workplace, that I didn't want to damage any of those relationships. I didn't want to burn any bridges, and I didn't want to leave them in a jam until they found someone to take my place.

I will not go into the details of why I don't work there. I take responsibility for those things that I did wrong, I also acknowledge I don't have all the skills they were looking for - but then the question has to be asked: why was I hired if that was a problem?

At first I was devastated. It was honestly a big surprise, coming at me from left field without warning. As the night wore on I began to see that I was now free to do whatever I want (as long as it doesn't conflict with the non compete clause I signed). So today is a new day. I am jobless, but I am not homeless, penny less, or going hungry. It is a day to start over. To sort out my feelings and my thoughts. A day to write it all down so I don't leave anything out. A day to find what the next step is, because I don't really know what that step might be. I feel energized and actually a bit excited about these next few months of my life. A time where I can see what I am really made of. This has cut through all the bull shit that I have hidden behind for years and cut to the core of who I am what I want to be. I may not be able to save my reputation there as someone who walks around with a chip on their shoulder, or that I am poor at customer service - but I can build my new reputation as I walk out in faith today.

M.

Movement

I did NOT see that coming. I thought it would be by my own terms . . . I was wrong. My path has changed, and I didn't have one thing to say but: "oh".

This Path

I have spoken cryptically for about a month on loops, letting go, crying, and fight club. While I don't think I'm quite ready to spill all I know due to current subscriptions to this blog and relationships that I would like to keep in tact - I would like to say one thing. This path of life is hard. Just plain hard. It is hard when all you think about, and all you talk about starts to sound like a broken record of would-a, could-a, should-a, and should I? I'm having a real hard time as I come to grips with the fact that this path might not be for me anymore. How do I say goodbye to the ones that have walked beside me so long? How to I convince them to follow me on a new path, or to at least venture over to my path to say hello. How do I change my path? Do I take the fork in the road, or do I double back to a point I past long ago and strike out in a new direction. C.S. Lewis once said something about paths:

"We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man . . . And I think if you look at the present state of the world, it is pretty plain that humanity has been making some big mistake. We are on the wrong road. And if that is so, we must go back. Going back is the quickest way on."

I don't feel like I was ever on the wrong path. I just feel like maybe this path isn't mine anymore. It was good for me for the time. I learned many lessons, made many friends, and I am finding that I am walking down this path a very different person than the one who started on this turn of my life. I will take that with me always, now if I could just find a map to my next destination. Maybe my next destination is on this path - only time will tell.

Dear friends, if you are reading this and you worry for me, for you, for us - take heart. For I love you all very much, and I will fight with every last breath in my body to keep you with me if this path reaches a turning point; don't borrow trouble for tomorrow.

i cried

. . . but it wasn't buyers remorse.

Let Go

While I was working on some stuff tonight I was listening to my iTunes. For those of you that know me well, you will know that this is pretty rare. I do listen to music some, but I'm not an avid music listener. Blah, blah, blah - moving on to the point.

I am going through a few changes in my life. Taking steps that are taking me in directions I never thought possible. While working on one of those steps I hear the song Let Go by Barlow Girl. Whether you like them or not, you will just have to trust me that the lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

Let Go

Barlow Girl

I remember times You led me

This time it's bigger now

And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?

Will You prove Yourself again?

[Chorus:]'Cause I'm about to let go

And live what I believe

I can't do a thing now

But trust that You'll catch me

When I let go

When I let go

What is this doubt in me

Convincing me to fear the unknown

When all along You've shown

Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it

If I do this all alone

Much Ado About Nothing

. . . that is how i feel that i have treated many (if not all) incidences in my life.

3 Days

I finally had a weekend where I got a lot done, and got to relax. Probably because I was able to have 3 days worth of a weekend. A friend came over on Saturday to help me get some brush cleaned up in my backyard. I don't like chainsaws . . . and he will chainsaw so we were a match that day. He did stay and help clean up the limbs - too kind. I don't have any before pictures but this is how it looks now:Imaginate the area full of honeysuckle and poison ivy. I'm not done by any stretch of the imagination, but - it is way closer than it was. Just to give you an idea of how much of a jungle it was - this is what was left over:

18 bags, and countless bundles of limbs - not to count the bags and limbs I put out on the curb last week. Maybe 4 bags and 5 bundles. So Saturday was spent cutting all that down and cleaning some of it up . . . Saturday night off to a friends house for some movies. Sunday was spent with some time alone and partying like it was 1999. A block party - same friends block, 12 Quarts of ice cream. Today we finished the clean up and I spent 3 hours napping on the couch.

I will leave you with this last look of the weekend:

This is what you get for trying to take pictures of your accomplishments. Bragging only leads to injury.