Dream Land

I have a lot of dreams. I mean, I wake up most mornings and remember parts of at least one dream I have had. Back in college I had terrible dreams. Mostly because in real life I was running from a lot of things, and in my dreams they were all about running and being chased. After coming out of all that my dreams went back to normal (if you can call dreams normal). For the past couple of weeks they have become terrible again. This time I know I'm not running from anything, into anything I'm not suppose to, etc. but they persist. Put my finger on it on my walk this morning with Addie . . . I quit taking a medicine. I wasn't suppose to stop cold turkey, I was suppose to step down off of it. It is, of all things, an antidepressant. I'm not taking it for depression, but for headaches (go figure). I didn't mean to go off of it. It just sort of happened. I ran out and kept forgetting to go get more, my headaches didn't come back so I forgot. The kicker is I feel much better off of it than on it, but the dream thing really sucks. I think the dream thing will stop on its own. I think it all has to run it's cycle through my system.

Reel Geezers

Oh my gosh. I stumbled upon these two doing movie reviews. It gets a bit boring, but sometimes they some some of the funniest things. I wish I was still doing reviews when I am this age.

Quirkyalone

I have been reading this blog for about a week. You will find that I read quite a few random blogs by people I have never met, will never meet, and that makes some people uneasy. ANYWAY - I was reading his blog about a made up word: Quirkyalone. I would have to say, for the most part, I agree. The thought of preferring to be alone rather than just date every guy that has opposable thumbs (and some that have come my way with only one) is something I have been asked about quite a bit. Mostly from people who are incapable of not dating for more than 48 hours, and others from my family who wish I would just hurry up and get married already. Yeah, because that seems to work well in my family of 4 or 5 divorces, and a few of them that stay together just because they have kids. I guess if I put myself in the Quirkyalone category, that makes me an optimist. Something I would never say about myself - but RIGHT ON! I am intrigued by the book, may have to make a library trip.

Sucker

I'm a sucker for kids and I am a sucker for Star Wars.

loss

i'm at a loss for words. not sure when that will come back - but my guess is that it will be mostly movies and comics clips until i get back.

blah

yeah, thats right.

Goodbye Girl

I just finished watching Goodbye Girl. It was my mom and dad's first date. That is all.

Snow Day

I feel like I was just given a snow day. I am off today from one job, but on for another - just got the call that it will not happen tonight, so I am off all day. If this keeps up, I may not work tomorrow either. Good and bad. Good, that I have some time to focus on my new room, cleaning up the mess in the basement, and working on a book and other various projects. Bad, that I don't get paid to do all those things . . . so until I get to a place where I have vacation time then I am pretty much saving my pennies again. Slept in this morning, something I haven't done in weeks. It was nice, but short lived. I hopped up so that I could do all of the things listed above, only to wake up and see roads starting to get a bit bad . . . so, of course, I went out. I went out for a few reasons.

1. I need a sled. My last one bit the dust as I went head long into a parking lot last year. Causing minor injury and very scrapped sled. I think it could have lasted another season or two, but I didn't feel like keeping it. AND the last two snows I have been sick, so I haven't gotten out to get anything.
2. I needed snow boots. I haven't had a good pair of those since I was 8, and I thought it was about dang time. Try finding snow boots in February - all the stores have flip flops out.

Now all I need is some real snow, not this sleet. My hope is that it changes over and that the roads aren't terrible so I can go sledding.

Off to finish my chores so I can enjoy the freedom later.

not much

to report - but i do get to sleep in tomorrow. and that makes me uber excited.

sleep (updated)

use to be that if i had problems in my family or at work or whatever - i slept. it was easier that way, i would just (in my mind) sleep though it. those days are over, and instead of sleeping last night i laid awake wishing my dog would smother me with my pillow so i would, at the very least, pass out.

yes, my entries will be like this for awhile. due to this 365 blog thing i will be here, last 2 times someone was in the hospital, i didn't have this self imposed deadline, and you didn't have to listen to me bitch.

****Update****

i feel like i don't have a place. and it is starting to piss me off. i have an anger building inside of me that i can't let go in any healthy way - so instead i scream at my stuff that won't fit where i want it to fit, or that falls off a shelf, or that doesn't have a place. i think it may just be that i am tired . . . but i really want to rip something apart. i need a rock or fax machine hitting day really badly.

5 months

yes, i am going to talk about this. sorry.

it has been 5 months to the day since my old job and i parted ways. why do i bring this up? well because this day came upon me like a crushing wave. i know, i'm a drama queen. for the first month or two it was on the forefront of my mind - mostly because i didn't have another job. i had no idea what i wanted to do . . . do what i had been doing, just in a different place, or do something else all together. when the world is wide open for you it is almost harder than when you only have a few options.

anyway, i know i spent the first 3 weeks crying here, crying on the phone, and in person to people who may or may not have wanted to hear all my shit. to them, i say thank you. the next group of people are the ones who stuck it out until i had another job. i wasn't as obsessed with it all as much, but still talked about it on a regular basis - thank you. after awhile i quit talking about it as much. bitter diatribes here and there, pretty much that is still going on. randomly they come out. i don't mean for them to - they just do. it is almost like i have turrets or something, because i can be talking about something totally unrelated and all the sudden this crap will start coming out. so for those of you still keeping track of all that, and still patiently listening, i say thank you. some people got thanked 3 times . . . but i digress.

anyway, the last week or so has seemed harder for some reason. not as bad as the beginning, but not as good as later. i am working with new people now, and they are great people, but not the same. i think i am reaching a point where i am missing those from my old job more than before. maybe it is because i don't see them as much - and i know that over time it will stretch out more and more and more. emails will slow, as will phone calls, and eventually it will be like we were never friends - except for the lessons that they taught me along the way. i hope to god that doesn't happen, but it still plays in my mind that it will. mostly because of my neurotic nature in the end i will make that happen. i sit here as i watch me try to get them to go away and i don't even want to do it. it is like it is this other girl pushing them away, and i am screaming in the background trying to get her to quit pushing.

i don't know where i was headed with this. quite honestly i don't know where i ended up, but i know that i have to stop writing now.

Here Comes The Sun

I woke up this morning with a strange light in my room. It took me a minute, then I remembered, "Oh yeah, I have a window now."

Coincidence

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

- Einstein

its all about me

many times in this blog i start on something and never finish it. i don't finish it in a few ways:

1. i either leave out specific details, or speak cryptically about it
2. i say, "i want to talk about something, but i don't have the words right now." sometimes i do talk about it later, you just don't know becasue i don't announce it. sometimes i hide it in a lengthy email that seems unrelated, or sometimes i never go back.

well i remembered an entry that i did want to finish. it was all the way back in July. July 18, 2007 to be exact. i have been skimming old entries for some reason. maybe it makes me feel better, maybe i just am curious about some things . . . whatever the reason i found it and realized that i do really want to fix it.

i want . . . to feel like i fit
i promise . . . to quit being so neurotic
i desire . . . to be loved
i need . . . a hug
i believe . . . that there is a place for me
i love . . . chaos
i hate . . . peace
i treasure . . . the things that you can’t put in a box
i am . . . a work in progress
i hope . . . that I will meet someone to walk beside me the rest of my days
i know . . . that none of this really matters

Indiana Jones

I think I'm about ready for this to come out. I groan when I see sequels coming out, but you can't deny that these have been pretty good movies overall, and people will pay to see the same thing over and over again. I do have a bit of an issue with the fact that these guys have become the action heroes that don't go away. Look at Rambo and Rocky. Where are the next generation of true action heroes? Matt Damon seems to be the only one picking up the slack anywhere. What is next? Rocky in the nursing home, fighting the guy down the hall for the woman in the next wing? Indiana Jones on the search for his missing dentures? Sometime it has to stop - and writers, now that you are back in action, lets see something new. You have had 3 months to think about it.

Get A Different Name Day

Today is Get A Different Name Day. How do I know, I looked it up. I am looking at the brighter side of this week - the brighter side for someone who is:

"Sarcastic and single and probably will be for a long time."

Get A Different Name Day is described this way:

"It is for those who are not fond of the name given to them. At birth, we are
given a first name, a middle name and a last name. It wasn't our choosing.
Rather, our parents bestowed it upon us. If you like your name, good for
you. If not, then today is for you. Take advantage of today to change your
name. "

I don't care about my name really - I mean, the name I go by isn't my first name. My mom and dad decided, in their infinite wisdom, to name me Mary Kathryn and call me Katie. From the beginning this is how it was. Two things bother me about that:

1. If you are going to call me Katie, then name me Katie. Life is too confusing to mess with that. On my first day of school . . . every first day I have to go through all this ordeal with my teachers about my name - and for a shy kid who didn't want to be looked at, much less speak out in class, it was hard. I mean, for some grades my mom would go in for parent teacher conferences and the teacher would go on and on about some girl named Mary. My mom would finally tell her the facts and then I would spend the rest of the quarter with my teacher and people in the class trying to call me Katie. Had I been a different child . . . say with the personality I have now, that would have been no big deal. But, unfortunatly, I was not who I am today, I didn't speak much - something I am making up for now in my middle years.
2. If you are going to call me by a shortened version of my middle name, shorten it to Katy. My Kathryn was spelled with a "y", shorten my name with a "y". I wasn't Kathrine - begging to spell my name Katie.

Stupid points, I know, but isn't that what I am here for - to make stupid points about things that make no difference and are, in and of themselves, stupid?

TV

I need to quit watching TV . . . seriously - it isn't even good, and yet I sit and stare.

Worry

I live my life in worry. What if I'm not good enough, what if people don't like me, what if I am too much, what if I'm not enough. I think some of that comes with growing up in this society, some of it is my own neurotic thought. Thursday there was a terrible shooting in Kirkwood. 6 people are dead, two more are wounded. I did not write about it because, well, because it didn't have anything to do with me. I live 20 minutes from Kirkwood, some of my greatest friends live less than a mile from where the shooting took place, but I knew no one that was shot. The long and the short of it is this: A man had long running issues with the city council. It had gone on for years and last week something just flipped his switch and he decided to go hunting - and he did, and it was horrible, and it is over, and there are families left without relatives, and a city trying to wrap their brains around what the hell happened. It was horrible, tragic, and totally fucked up - I know this. I feel sorrow for the families and for the town. Will this be in the back of my mind when I go to city council meetings? Maybe. Just like with 9-11, the smattering of school shootings that have occurred over the years, and the Oklahoma City Bombing, these are things that play on the mind a bit. But I can't live my life in worry about this. I can't live my life in fear that one day i will get shot, or mugged, or rapped and pillaged - makes living too hard. I can live my life doing what I love, seeing the people I enjoy spending time with (no matter where they live), and leaving what I can't control behind. To those of you reading, this is not eye opening. Who am I to say such things about an event that doesn't have to do with me - I am no one but someone trying to make sense of the world around me. So then the question begs to be asked: "Why do you worry about all that other stuff?" I don't have a clue.

Saving Jack

Why is Jack Black so misused in movies? He is either the hilarious supporting actor, or he is the weirdest main character (Nacho Libre?!?!?). He has so much more potential that he is waisting.

Cake

Retreat

It just makes my week go better to go by there and see them. I need to learn to do that on my own, but I doubt I will.

10th anniversary

today is the 10th anniversary of the day we started dating. i kept thinking that it would be a day that i would be depressed about. i mean i remembered . . . but it was actually quite the opposite. i remembered, but then i didn't really care. yes, you were my first love - but we were terrible for one another. i was totally messed up while we were together, and i have grown so much since we have been apart . . . so thanks.

(none)

Today I saw EXACTLY why I got fired - even though they never really put it into words . . . at least any that were understandable. I still don't get why they NEVER talked to me about it, and slowly let me work myself down to a nub before firing me . . . but I caught a glimpse of the reason today.

Bacon

I love this - it is perfect because I have no brain power to talk about today. Mostly because I have been awake for a long time, and had to get up before bedtime.

A La Mode

as is my fashion, i don't have much to say. i am off to bed early due to my 4am wake up for the polls tomorrow. i'm stepping out in a new direction and working as an election judge - i feel judge is a strong word for sitting around making sure the proper people vote in the proper places on the proper ballots and the proper number of times - but it is what it is. i will let you know how i feel about the people's right to chose a leader after tomorrow.

Evan Almighty

When I saw a preview for this movie I was not too happy to hear about it. Not for any particular reason other than it was a sequel, it was based on Noah (how the hell was that going to be pulled off), and I didn't think Bruce Almighty could handle a sequel . . . not many movies can do that very successfully. So I didn't go see it. I laughed when people told me it was pretty good, and I let it go by. In an effort to have something to watch with my mom, I humored her when she wanted to rent it - it was never in the store. It was always rented out. Rows and rows of this movie completely gone. Could Steve Carell pull off a movie like this after Anchor Man, Bruce Almighty, and 40 Year Old Virgin?? WHAT??? I use to watch Steve Carell on The Daily Show. I loved him on there. I really thought he was one of the best characters they had - but back then The Daily Show had such a small following no one ever knew who I was talking about when I would talk about Even Steven, or any of his Indecision 2000 reports. Say Michael Scott and they know now who I am talking about. Anyway, in an effort to make this rambling long story a bit shorter I will say this - I saw it. I saw it last Saturday. My roommate bought it, so we watched it. I loved it. Watched it again the next day when my mom came into town, and watched it again tonight. I asked a friend of mine if they had seen it, and he had pretty much the same reaction I did (well minus all the random talk about The Daily Show and his other random movies) - and to him I simply said: "It's funny. I laughed most of the time." There really isn't much more to say than that.

Liar

31

i made it through the first 31 days without much mishap. i'm surprised. just about 334 more to go?? i don't really have much to say. i've spent the last 3 days staring at the walls of my home, hoping that some day i am well enough to go outside. unfortunately people won't switch with me at one of my jobs, so i have had the privilege to go to work and infect the climbers and other belayer. it is like my own personal outbreak experiment.