This looks like fun

Identity

This is going to sound rather odd coming from me, but I think I am in the middle of an identity crisis. More than sounding odd, it sounds melodramatic.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come! 2 Cor 5:17

You would think that my identity crisis had something to do with becoming a student in about a month, or the fact that I'm uprooting from Missouri to become an Oklahoman again - but it doesn't. It has to do with what I do with my free time. Yea, that is what I said, my free time.

First there is this whole movie person I am . . . or was. The last movie I saw was Get Smart, it was late June just a week or two before my fast. The next movie I saw was Julie and Julia (pre-release) on Thursday. My guess is that there were around 384 days in between those two. I saw them both in a theater, the same theater to be exact. Nothing in the physical setting changed, the seats were the same, the smell was the same, the popcorn was the same. Get Smart was fine. Not the best movie to send me off on my journey, and not worth the $7, but whatever. Julie and Julia was great. Good acting, good stories, great way they wove the two lives together, worth $7 (even though I didn't pay it) . . . but I walked away a little distracted. Pride told me to keep going with the no movies and TV thing for as long as I could. Keep up the intrigue that it brings when you tell people what you are doing (or in my case not doing). But I found that I really don't care one way or another if I watch a movie or not. So what does that even mean? I don't care? Since when do I not CARE ABOUT THAT? Before last year I was doing this thing to do a little detox (or at least that is what I told myself). I actually did it to be different, to give people something to balk at. what I didn't expect was to be sitting in my car after my first movie in a year wondering why I didn't really care that I saw it or not. I loved the movie, I just felt it was so temporary. Temporary? The word temporary actually crossed my mind. While a year ago I would have waited on pins and needles waiting for it to come out on DVD so I could add it to my ever growing DVD collection (which now only has about 10 movies in it . . . 120 ish down to 10). Last July The Dark Knight came out. To refresh your memory I actually considered putting off my last year's journey until AFTER this movie came out simply because I wanted to see it so badly. I had been wanting to see it since January and was bummed when they pushed back the release date, and was beside myself wondering what would become of me, the only person on the planet who didn't see it. I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people who didn't see it, but in my world (where I am the center) there was really only one other person I knew that didn't watch it. I had to endure two months of hype by friends, and acquaintances as they talked about the movie, asked me if I saw it, and when I said, "no," listen as they went on to tell me I JUST HAD TO SEE IT! After a bit of that I forgot the movie even came out. I FORGOT IT EVEN EXISTED? Now I am in turmoil. I know what I will be getting myself into when I watch it. I know it will be over the top evil, and probably over the top awesome . . . but I can't say I will see it. And to me that is a bit of a loss, but also SO TEMPORARY. I still can't believe I am using the word temporary.

Second way I am struggling with my identity is this whole running thing. I once said I would never be a runner. You can quote me on that because I posted it right here a year or so ago. March of 2008 to be exact. No, I love running. I'm not good at it, but the more I run the better I get. I have improved from terrible to bad. My identity problem? I'm a runner! When? Why? The other day I found myself saying I ran an easy 2 miles! I don't ever really expect to win any races. I know by saying that that I will never win any races and I should just focus on doing the best I can do, and if the wind is blowing just right I will be in place to take it. (paraphrase of Bill Bowerman). Another identity problem I have with running is that to this point I have been a runner with someone else. Someone else who has pushed me to run faster, run farther, and actually show up to run. This week I have been solo. It went fine the first run. It hasn't gone so well the last two. I think it may have something to do with an injury I think is creeping up on me (but if I don't give it credence then it WILL NOT EXIST!), but I know part of it is the lack of another body running in time with me. I can't look out of the corner of my eye and watch them slow down to stay with me - in turn making me speed up to stay with them. I look out of the corner of my eye and see gravel. I know I will probably find someone to run with again - at least sometimes, but it won't be the same. Yes, I do have a case of PMS (Poor Me Syndrome). The last identity problem - what if I don't continue running after I move. I think I will loose a bit of myself if I don't. Running is a good leveler of emotions, problems, and issues. Heaven only knows that I am entering emotions, problems, and issues. I find myself going to bed at night thinking, "I should take a little run to calm myself down." Sometimes I do. Most times I don't, but what will I do if I don't go running - somehow drinking doesn't seem like a suitable alternative.

So there you have it, my identity crisis. Is it counselor worthy? Nope. But just getting it out of my head and on paper makes it manageable. Why did I open with a verse? Because I think all of these changes are happening because I have made myself open to changing from the One who can actually do the changing.

I think I will go out for a little jog now, to stretch out before my race tomorrow. Who knows, I just might finish well. By the way, my number is 99 (and I just talked about Get Smart).

Out of the Woods

If you are reading this from my actual blog page you may have noticed some changes going on here at Sarcastic and Single (or Where is my Couch depending on when you joined us). One thing is, it is no longer black and EMO (not my words). Let's be honest, when I started out last year I was EMO - now that that has been cleared up let's move on. So starting off this year I changed things up a bit. New header, new colors, and new writers (OK, that started before). The Flicker bar stays the same and so far I haven't thought of anything worthy enough for a poll. And just to clear some things up, I didn't write the last two posts. They are WAY too good to be from me.

So, the new title (for now) states, "you are never really out of the woods." Depending on how you look at that it could be a glass half empty, a glass half full sort of thing. How do I want you to look at it? I don't really care. What attitude did I use when writing it? I don't really know. I guess my attitude was ambiguous. Let's look at both sides shall we? We shall.

Glass Half Empty:
The term "out of the woods" is defined by GoEnglish.com as: when you emerge safely (out of danger) after a difficult time we say that you are "out of the woods." So my banner might be saying you are never really out of danger. You are always on the verge of something bad, even if you just go out of the previous down time. But really, isn't that how life really is sometimes. I'm not talking about this in a bad way, I'm just saying even when the chips are down you have to find the joy, but you aren't really out of the woods.

Glass Half Full:
I really like the woods. And I think a part of me stays there. The woods give me something to look forward to, and something to remember. So in a sense the optimistic way of looking at it would be to say - I may not be in the woods at this very moment, but remember that time I was, and can you even wait until we go again?

You decide how you want to look at it. I look at it and see something beautiful, ambiguous, and full of thought. Kind of like me.

An Elegant Sufficiency: Part Two

I have a confession to make. I don’t really believe that the Bible is true. I do believe that it is the inspired word of God, that it is all truth, but I don’t really believe it. Throughout my life, God has often impressed on my Jeremiah 29:11: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Now, I’ve gone to church my whole life. I’ve believed that God is all-powerful and can do anything. Yet somehow I have a hard time believing that this includes my life. Does God really mean it when He says that He loves me? Do I really believe that His plans are good, even if they don’t meet my timetable? Surely all this delayed gratification means that he has forgotten? Yet I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that most of the troubles I go through in life are meant to show me that God is trustworthy and good, because He hasn’t failed me yet. So why should I fret about being one-half of a couple or just one? As Paul so succinctly states in the Message version of 1 Corinthians 7:17, “Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.” That doesn’t even remotely smell like desperation.

I’m also fairly certain that marriage is not, as it says in the Ingrid Michaelson song, about putting “the lonely on the shelf.” I have noticed over the years that my married friends still feel out of place, discontent, and even lonely at times, just like they did before they got married, and just like I do now. Maybe it’s not as sharp if you’re with someone else, I don’t really know, but that loneliness is still mine alone to deal with. Because no person can fill that aching core of my soul that reminds me that I am not yet whole, that my home is somewhere else, and I cannot yet know and love perfectly the One who loves me best. If I really get honest with myself, I think I would freak out if that painful longing went away, anyway. Sometimes it’s the most tangible proof of God’s existence in my life, and I’m suspicious that I’d be lost without it.

Everything became clear in one instant, just the other day. I overheard a conversation between a mother and her young son. She had accidentally grabbed two packets of coloring pages when she only wanted one. “Why can’t we have both?” her son asked. She paused for a moment, then stated “Because I believe that one is an elegant sufficiency.” Everything clicked in my mind at once. An elegant sufficiency! What a lovely phrase! “No longer,” I declared in my head, “will I be known by a term that smacks of desperation and/or lack! I will not be single! With Christ, I am an elegant sufficiency!” After all, “my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19).” I’m pretty sure that means that God will supply everything. It doesn’t mean that I don’t need or want other people in my life, it says that I am confident that God is with me and sovereign at this moment in my life, and it is good. Am I still tempted to whine? Heck yes! Do I still want to get married? Yes, but only if and when God chooses. I would encourage you to start looking to see what sort of provisions God has made for your elegant sufficiency, wherever you are in life, instead of pining away over what you think you lack. You might be surprised by what you find.

An Elegant Sufficiency: Part One

I never really categorized myself as a single until I was in my late 20’s. I mean, I certainly wasn’t married, and didn’t even date all that much, but I never felt single. Singleness, I always assumed, meant that you were lacking something in your life and therefore were not complete. I had no spouse; therefore I should have been pining away with longing for someone, right? But I didn’t pine. I was fine being where I was in life, and was in no rush to tie the knot. Therefore I was just me. Yeah, I was unmarried, but I wasn’t single.

When I hit the latter part of my 20’s, I started thinking that it was possible that life could be more enjoyable if I had someone to serve and share it with. Since all my friends were married or spread out all over the world, it naturally led me to realize that marriage can be a building block for community. I mean, your spouse will never leave you unless they die, right? Marriage started to sound more attractive. And then I panicked. Did that make me a “single”? Was I now incomplete, a left-over, one of the ones who didn’t get chosen when everyone else was picking teams? Did I miss the deadline? I have to admit that although I had always been fairly level-headed and intellectual about the dating and mating process (God does everything in His time, right?), these new realizations and longings kind of threw me into a panic for awhile. I did NOT want to be single. Socially awkward, fifth-wheelish, desperate, thinking only about how lonely I was. Because that’s the stereotype, right? And really, that’s kind of how you get treated by married folks sometimes. You catch pitying stares once in awhile, and when making new acquaintances, it’s almost like you have to list your excuses for not being married YET.

In my mind, I thought that being single would take over my whole life. And I’ve seen that it can, really. There are people who are obsessed with finding the “right” one to spend the rest of their lives with. They date constantly, always talk about the opposite sex, or complain bitterly about their married friends and how they don’t have time for them or hurt their feelings on a regular basis. They discuss the wisdom of various dating techniques—the blind date, speed dating, internet dating. They worry about their appearance, their income, and their vehicles, always wanting to give the “right” impression, just in case “he” or “she” could show up unexpectedly and be wildly attracted to them because of their shoe brand or the appearance of their toenails. These people seem to think that marriage is a right, like freedom of speech or freedom to bear arms, and the idea of finding a mate consumes their lives.

If we listen to what the world says, even the Christian world sometimes, we might believe that singles are doomed to a perpetual adolescence—we cannot achieve true maturity without a mate. We could believe that we have to be the “right” kind of person before we can attract Mr. or Ms. Right. Or that there is only one right person out there for everyone, and if you happen to be looking the other direction when you pass him or her on the sidewalk one day, you totally lose out. Media tells us constantly that only the most beautiful are truly worthy of love and desire. And the music we hear on the radio, pumped willingly into our brains through our ipods, or everywhere, really, can often remind us that loneliness is the worst thing in the world and that we need to avoid it at all costs.

I have to admit that I have at one time or another, fallen prey to almost all of these lies and noxious behaviors. Bitterness, complaining, despair, anxiety, and hopelessness have all accompanied me at times on this journey of discovering desire. I didn’t know what to do with my longing. If I want something, I should have it, right? But when I started to sift through the maelstrom of thoughts and impressions that I was dealing with, I started to notice something interesting—all of it was about me—what I needed to do or hadn’t done, and who would make me feel good about myself. I was worried that I had missed something, that I wasn’t attractive enough, that I should be married so that I could be happy. Obviously, I had not been paying any attention at all during all my hours at church, reading the Bible, and praying. Who is life about anyway? Me? Heck no! In Colossians, Paul very explicitly explains what all this Jesus business is about:

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. . .For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross (Colossians 1:15-17,19-20).”

Okay, well, that puts me in my place. I was created by Him and for Him; therefore, that makes my life about Whom, exactly? Yeah, I didn’t think it was me, either. Really, I didn’t. And did you notice the part that says, “. . . in him all things hold together”, and that through the death of Jesus he “reconcile[d] to himself all things”? That’s kind of a big deal—it means that Jesus holds the world together, holds my heart, my mind, and my future. And he brings his peace and reconciliation! How great is that!

Home Again

Been in and out of the city as of late, and now I'm back in for good . . . until I leave again at the end of July . . . then I'm back again for a week . . . then I'm gone again until a date to be determined by my school schedule and my work load.

I feel a need to reorganize the blog. The old masthead and page didn't jive anymore with what I am doing now, so I'm working on that (mostly in my head). So for now you get a pretty much blank page with my blog title and entries. While I am not a fan of puking, I do love that green!

30, flirty, and thriving

This is today's status, and blog post title. I turned 30 today so I chose an obscure movie reference to describe my day. So you may be asking yourself, "how has she really changed over her life time?" Well, I will show you. I don't have any 1 year birthday pictures here at my house, but I do have this one . . . my guess is 9:

And now (on my birthday trip to NYC):
Look closely. Do you see it? I'm THE EXACT SAME (minus the watermelon shorts and the hair length).



For those of you who have followed for very long I do a year end review on my birthday. Last year I didn't really do one, I took up something else - a life. So instead I wrote about a decision I made TO NOT WATCH TV OR MOVIES FOR A YEAR. Well, times up. When I read the entry I laughed . . . a lot. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I'm not going to talk about what I gave up, I'm going to talk about what I got (in no particular order).

1. Contentment. It was hiding under all the media. It is an amazing gift, one that can get taken back, but when you have it there is a calm that I can't explain. A calm that says, "you are fine, you will make it JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."
2. Running. Now, not so much a gift like contentment. It is more work. This was a late coming phenomenon to the year (I think I started in March/April). There are days where it is the only thing that I feel like doing. While I was in NYC I was overcome with the desire to run part of Central Park . . . but I couldn't. Ran a 5K at the end of May, looking at running an 8K middle of July. Where did that come from? All I could really think about doing today was going for a birthday run, but instead I took a nap. I traded a run for the greater good. You might say I took the lazy way out, which is pretty typical for me, but I haven't slept well since going camping and I knew that if I didn't get a nap I would snap and rip peoples heads off and spit down their neck. So you see, the greater good.
3. Closer friends. Instead of sitting around watching TV or going out for a movie we had to DO something. That doing developed closer friendships to those I was already close to and closer friendships with those I hadn't really expected to grow closer to.
4. Peace. Not the same as contentment. When things go wrong, I don't freak out. Well I have the last couple of days, but mostly because I am really tired.
5. A new career path. I honestly don't think I would be going back to school if I hadn't taken this time to sit and be quiet for awhile.
6. Quiet. I went camping this last weekend and I found I have this uncanny ability to just sit (sometimes for hours) and just sit. I use to do that with TV and I was just plugging stuff into my head instead of working on what was already in there and needed to be worked on.
7. Freedom. I am not dictated by TV schedules, mostly I am dictated by sun cycles. I am much freer to go do something random.

I'm not going to sit here and say I am never going to watch TV again, or that I'm not going to watch a movie (SOON), but I am saying that I don't have the connection to it that I use to. I'm not even taking a TV to school with me. I know there is more. Way more, but that is all I can think about right now - mostly because I have the attention span for internet about the size of a gnat.