Note To Self

Don't watch Disturbia alone.

Angry Anymore

I heard this song on the way home from work today. The first verse struck me the hardest, because that is what I have been learning this year.

Angry Anymore

Ani Difranco

growing up it was just me and my mom

against the world

and all my sympathies were with her

when i was a little girl

but now i've seen both my parents

play out the hands they were dealt

and as each year goes by

i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand

that i know what all the fighting was for

and i just want you to understand

that i'm not angry anymore

i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war

with quiet charm

but i just want to walk

through my life unarmed

to accept and just get by

like my father learned to do

but without all the acceptance and getting by

that got my father through

night falls like people into love

we generate our own light

to compensate

for the lack of light from above

every time we fight

a cold wind blows our way

but we learn like the trees

how to bend

how to sway and say

i, i think i understand

what all this fighting is for

and baby, i just want you to understand

that i'm not angry anymore

no, i'm not angry anymore

28 Words

Can you do it?

http://web.mac.com/larryvaughan/iWeb/Site/Blog/AED4AD18-7890-4EAF-B94D-CE10D3173DF0.html

Spent my life pleasing. Making sure I walked the straight and narrow. Took a detour where I was anything but. Now I fight to find balance between them.

28, count them if you question.

Loops

I've been doing a lot of walking lately. For one, it is good for me. Two, good for my dog. Three, it is a nice time away from the noise that permeates my life. I'm not saying that the people I live with are loud, but walking gives me a chance to be quiet - away from T.V., computer, books, work, and hobbies. To make my walks more interesting, I don't take the same route every day. When I find myself getting tired of the varied loops I have made around my neighborhood, I branch out to other neighborhoods. Soon those loops become apart of my collection of possible loops that I can take everyday. One thing that I notice is that when I go down a road I have never traveled before, everything looks new. The houses might look similar to the ones I have walked past before, but they are still different. The road seems longer, and things seem foreign. When I walk it the second time I know what to expect. I know where the end of the road is, what all the possible cut offs are to another road, and the houses start looking more familiar. Every time that I branch off into another area of town I become more familiar with it, and in turn things doing seem so big anymore.

I feel like, in my life I am at a point where I need to add to my loops to my collection. I feel like I am standing at a four way intersection. If I take a left, I will continue on a loop I have been on many times before. The loop is as familiar as the back of my hand. If go straight, I will take a path that I have only traveled once or twice. I know where it is going, I know how long it will take me, and all the houses seem a lot less foreign. If I go right, I venture into a whole new neighborhood where the houses are different, and I don't know where the other streets lead. They may lead to a dead end, they may lead to a new loop, they may even continue on with no place to turn around. I guess if I go right, I will at least have my dog with me to keep me company.

Looks Are Everything!

It looks like a pharmacy exploded on my desk. I don't like this at all.

FINALLY

FINALLY CAUGHT HER! I can never catch her doing this . . . AND she let me take a bunch of pictures of her.

Now I Know

The answer to my last question of what I would do if I were alone in a cabin somewhere would be to sleep. I got up this morning, went for a walk, read a bit, and instead of writing - I slept. I slept a long time. Maybe that is what I would do. I wouldn't be productive, I would just be a lump on the couch. Maybe that is just a symptom of my week - because I feel awake now, so I may go out and run some errands. See, I didn't say I was going to write anything.

A few observations from today:

1. My neighbors just took the cover off of their pool today. It is the middle of August. In about a month they are going to have to just put it back on. Why not take it off at a time where you have 3 months to enjoy?
2. I haven't written about my life here much lately - and there have been many things happening. I think I will give an update . . . later.

I guess that is all. Like I said, I have been sleeping - so there isn't much to say about this day. OHHH, I did have some crazy dreams, a mix of work related topics with my medical history. It was bazaar.

M.

Brain Cloud

I believe I have said it before and I will say it again - I believe in brain clouds (obscure movie reference), and I do believe I might have one. It has been moving in now for about a week. Making its trek across my mind and settling in. The cloud grows darker as each day passes, and I find it more and more difficult to make normal conversation. I would make a great hermit. Just me and my dog, off alone, in a cabin by a lake. Maybe then I would start writing for real, because I had the time and the quiet. Or maybe the quiet would make me loose my mind. Jury is still out on that one.

M

Get Smart Trailer

I don't know if I can wait until 2008. I can say one thing - this excites me!

Star Jones: I had gastric-bypass surgery

Duh!

What A Laugh

Together we laugh a lot. Too bad we aren't together more often.

Guilt

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the GUILT

Fight Club

I wish that Fight Club was real. I don't mean the crazy stuff they did on the outside, I just mean the fighting part. Maybe it is real, they just don't talk about it.

He Hit It

He hits the nail on the head with that last part. Not sure about everything leading up to it, but the ending seemed about right.

Maybe you know what it is like to be stuck. One of the phrases that best describes addiction is “temporary suicide.” He doesn’t have the stomach or the means to draw the final curtain. But he sure as hell can make this pain go away for a few hours. If you are seeking relief, look no further. This stuff will fit the bill. When there are no answers, this is the best answer. And my man has NO CHOICE in the moment. NONE.

If you don’t understand that, you don’t understand addiction. The drugs and the alcohol aren’t the problem. It’s the brain. What we’ve learned about addiction recently will blow you away. When addiction sets up in the brain, it comes to rest in the survival center. It’s where the caveman and cavewoman live. Real primal stuff. So what would you do to survive? Eat human flesh? Cut off your arm with a pocketknife? For the addict in the late stages of the disease, using is literally a matter of survival. You can’t talk them out of it. You can’t pray them out of it. You can’t guilt them out of it. You can’t even incarcerate them out of it. The only way they even
consider the possibility of quitting is when that first light bulb hits their brain: Maybe, just maybe there’s another way to ease this pain.

To read the rest, head over here: http://web.mac.com/larryvaughan/iWeb/Site/Blog/D2D82C54-FDAE-4223-8189-E7F72170FA19.html

Turn me off

I just want to turn my brain off. I don't really care how it happens, I just want it off.

Taste

Hope differed makes the heart sick . . . it's Biblical. There are things I want in life, and I am nowhere nearer to having them than I was a year ago, two years ago, heck - 10 years ago. Some days I wonder if it is me . . . mostly it is. I use to think that if I had a taste of it, that maybe I wouldn't want it anymore. I would see it for what it really is, and I would decide that maybe it wasn't really for me to begin with. But now I get tastes of them every once and awhile, and it just leaves me wanting more. Some tastes are so good, the only thing you can do is savor it, and wait for another taste - hoping that the next taste might truly be the meal you get to enjoy forever. The problem is how you handle the days, weeks, months that you can't taste it at all.

I

Because it is all about me. I found this fill in the blank on a blog that no one writes in anymore. They use to write a lot, but I guess things just fizzled out. It is by pure chance I found it and I thought that the exercise was neat. I am not going to fill it out tonight, I will probably sleep on it awhile.

i want:
i promise:
i desire:
i need:
i believe:
i love:
i hate:
i treasure:
i am:
i hope:
i know:

UGGGGGG

It's too HOT

The Cruel Light of Reality

At some point I think I am going to have to realize that what I think I want, is in reality not at all what I want. When the reality of my situation sets in, I realize that what I want may not really exist. I guess that is why they call some things dreams.

Complications

Why do I make everything so complicated? Why can't I just live life and not interject it with my random thoughts, and interjections?