Inside Out

i don't really feel like i am growing, but retreating more into myself. what if i wake up one day and i'm completely inside?

Breathing

I wish it was ok to wear a breath rite strip at work. Football players can wear them to work, why can't I?

Tea Pots

Today was a 4 tea pot day. I wonder if it is possible to get more than 4? Time will tell.

Creativity

I am creative . . . for a living. But, when I am expected to be creative and get it done, like noon on a Monday with a deadline looming, I can't. When it doesn't make any sense for me to be creative I am. Like 6 in the morning, or 10 at night. The problem with being creative at 10 at night is that I am not a night person. So the design process starts at 10 to whenever - and I am ticked about it pretty much the whole time. I guess that just plays into my Drama Queen roll I have been coming to terms with lately. The problem with 6 AM is obvious, I am hardly ever awake to capture it. Some days I purposefully go into work early to do just that - catch that early morning wind. It is usually gone by 8, the time I normally go in for work. The 10 PM buzz can last for an hour, or 5 - I haven't quite figured it out yet. I have been doing this for quite some time, you would think I would be able to figure it out by now. But the one thing I have figured out - I can't when I am suppose to - that is going to reek havoc on my time schedule if this design business keeps going the way it is going this spring. By the end I will be working 4 AM to 9 AM, going home and sleeping and working 7 PM to 12 AM - a good 10 hour day, just not the norm. Question . . . if I make those my hours, will I be able to be creative then or will the creativity come between 9 AM and 7 PM? The world may never know.

I can say this: depending on how long this late night buzz lasts, I could make it though all the 10,000 Maniacs a friend let me borrow.

The Big Push

i pushed, then i pushed again. when that didn't work i hit and kicked as hard as i could. then i pushed some more. then i tried to cut it trying to break it, but it wouldn't break.

now what? do i just stop pushing and let it be, or continue to struggle against it?

The Weather Man

Watched "The Weather Man." Still trying to process it all. There is a lot there to process, and some to just throw out (ironically one of the points of the movie - there is a lot of crap in life, and some of it you just need to throw out).

David: "I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man."

Glued

I haven't really written much around here in awhile. Once a week it seems. Well there is a reason - I am glued to Google Video and can't stop looking at all the videos there. It is so addicting!

So . . .

So . . . I just had a 3 1/2 hour nap. I think it changed my life. Alright that is a little extreme, it didn't change it, just took about 3 1/2 hours out of it that I can't get back. There was, however, an new concept when it comes to parking garages, and knowing that any building that has sections, shouldn't name the sections A, B, E, R, D - it is just too confusing to find your way because the letters are not in order. So if I had to go to section R I didn't know how far I had to walk and if I was running late if I should run, or what. None of that makes sense, but it is how my dream world works. It works the same way yours does, only way more messed up - for example, once I dreamed I was a princess. Who here knows me? I am about the farthest thing from a princess possible, I rest my case. Or how about my infamous Wal Mart dreams. If you haven't been able to hear about those yet, ask me, they are very interesting. The Wal Mart dreams are the closest I have ever come to a recurring dream - although they are not the same one over and over, they are the same theme over and over. And the oldest dream I remember? This one really tests your friendship status, because I don't know if I have ever really talked about that one. A dream I had when I was about 5. My mom got cut up into little pieces (I didn't see it) and I had to go live with an old fat woman with about 15 kids. They figured she already had so many, what was one more. The kicker, no one told me this was going to happen. I thought it was just a doctors visit. So when I got angry about the fat woman they sewed my mom back together to tell me, then I still left with the fat woman. Man, some really happy thoughts to kick this blog off.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Not really mine, but other people's. It isn't random, just real lately. My brother and sisters grandmother died last week, so that is partly what brought it up. A friend approached the 1 year of her mom, so that didn't help suppress the thoughts. I know I am not suppose to know what to say. There is never the right words anyway. I know that I can't fix it, it isn't my job. But I just get paralyzed by the fact that I might be that person - you know the one who says the dumbest thing that cuts like a knife right to the bone. I wouldn't mean it, I would just say it and could never take it back. When my grandmother died I didn't talk about it. I didn't really have anything to say. But there were people that wanted me to talk it out, and I wanted to poke them in the eye. But even they are not as bad as that person that says something stupid out of a want to be helpful. The thing that sticks out in my mind the most, when it comes to my grandmother, was something my dad did. The history of my family is shaky at best. The relationship problems my brother and sister and I have with my dad have their start in that family my dad grew up in. It took him many years to get out of that life, and many more to try and leave it there. I honestly think he is a lot lighter now because of it, I see it in how we relate, how he relates with my brother and sister, and in one action at the funeral. I was standing as far away from the casket as I could get without looking like I was avoiding it like the plague. Everyone else was milling around close, talking, crying, and comforting - but no one was looking at the casket - except for me. Then I saw my dad make his move. It wasn't sudden, just a slow movement to her. He stood there for a second, touched the lid, gave it a few taps, turned and walked away. Never looking back, and putting the same space between it and him that I had. He doesn't know I saw him. I think the point was for no one to see him. In that one moment he finally put all that past away. Over the years he had been getting rid of all the crap, slowly over time, making him more free and light. But in that one moment, I think the rest of it was gone. Now, I know with death there are even more issues to deal with - but those issues are new, and not so buried and encased with years of hurt and regret and anger.

Lets move onto something light, I am feeling really heavy (if I can use a Back to the Future line). Learned to play Spades on Friday. I mean, I kind of knew how to play, but not how to score it or what to really do. My team won, in case anyone is keeping track. It was a good time. Ate Girl Scout cookies, stale Pringles, and some kickin' Batman candy. I got to play a drum, and I was allowed to play it as loud as I wanted. I got to see the arch from my friends porch, and watch as my bracket got totally destroyed by a Michigan State loss. Yesterday I drank nasty over priced Chai - a thing I loved in college, but can't find anywhere out of that place that makes it very good. The closest I have gotten is by making it myself, and that isn't even very close.

Saw a quote yesterday on a chair in the coffee house that seemed to yell at me. It was my life:
The truth is - living in total chaos is fun - it's thinking about it that stinks!
The problem - how do I stop thinking about it? I think, in the end, I do like living in the chaos. It gives me something to do, something to joke about, but I can't stop thinking about it. Thinking about the fact that living in peace could be better, more freeing.

Alright, I have given you enough to think about for a few days. Most of you quit reading after the first paragraph and skipped down to here anyway. But I will leave you with this final thought: "I'll tell you who should win, who deserves to win is Amber. She is the prettiest, best darn taper, most smartest."

Monday vs. Monday

This Monday night seems miles away from last. Last Monday I was holding onto any shred of sanity to make it through. This Monday I can't believe last week even existed. I feel like God has been trying to talk to me all week - meeting me in the chaos. I haven't been listening. I hear Him in the things people say to me, in the things people do for me; but hearing and listening are two separate things. We talked last night at the Gathering about being still, and being still is hard. I feel like there is so much I am missing without the silence, but the silence is scary. There is so much in my head clawing to get out, it almost hurts. For me writing it out is the easiest way to say what I need to say, to let out those thoughts. But I come here and I look at a blank screen and can't write it out. I pull out my journal and stare at a blank page and listen as it laughs at me. I get on Instant Messenger, because there I can write and talk and get feedback, but I just gloss over all the issues. I keep saying maybe tomorrow I will be still and listen, maybe tomorrow it will claw it's way out. Well tomorrow came and went 7 times, and it is all still there.

Maybe tomorrow.

The Buddy System

I think that I have become everyone's buddy, and I don't know if it is possible to move past that. Is it my own fault? Do I do that on purpose, become the coolest friend - someone they don't want to loose as a friend so they don't take the risk? Or is it the epidemic of the male in the 21st century?

what day is it?

cart or no cart, that is the question

if i had taken a cart tonight at the store things would be different. if i had a cart i would have had a free hand for other things besides food. but without a cart i was overloaded and would have not safely made it to the check out. it is totally a God thing that i didn't have a cart, because i almost got one and i am not quite sure why i didn't. if i had a cart though, i would have a quiet mind right now, and that would have meant peace - at least for a little while. but i have found that peace is fleeting, and when it is over the chaos is worse, because it was neglected for a few hours.

sorry, i'll shut up now.

stages of grief

How many stages of grief are there? I can't remember, but I seem to have been stuck on the anger one for about 22 years. I never really stopped to think about how my depression has effected my mom. It isn't her fault, but sometimes I wonder if she doesn't think it partly is. That makes me sad. I didn't mean to hurt her with this. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, but I guess I have. How did I get onto this. I was just meaning to say a sentence about anger.

Coldplay

I am in love with Chris Martin and Coldplay . . . they had me at Yellow.

Risk - it isn't just a game anymore.

I have come to discover I have no idea what I want. Or I know what I want, I am just not willing to take the risks involved to get it.

I want to just wake up in my life in 5 years. See what it is like, see if it was worth the risk. If it is worth it then take the risk.

But all of you out there will say, "the risk makes you grow, whether you fail or not." It IS the risk that makes you grow. It IS the risk that makes you who you are as a person, the benefits of that risk and the failure (if you have one - which I suspect I would at least have one).

Why and when did I get to be so afraid? Risk - it isn't just a game anymore.

Lately . . .

Lately I have been feeling . . . beyond description. There are moments where I am so happy (or is it happiness, that is another debate), and moments where I am so down, moments where I am a mix of both, moments when I am so angry (but not angry at anyone), and moments where I just feel lost. Mostly the lost part. I am lost in all of it. Wondering from one hour to the next, is it going to be a good hour, or am I going to get mixed up in it all. I watched The Corpse Bride tonight and there was a line that Victoria says that really hit what I have been feeling:
". . . I feel like I'm caught in a tide, being pulled out to sea."
I feel lost in a lot of ways, and I guess that isn't all that unusual. People feel lost all the time. I have been going to counseling lately and the stuff we talk about seems so real, yet so foreign. The things I do in my life all have links to the past. The way I was raised, or the events that happened to me shaped me, gave me my good things, bad things, and quirks. That is fine if you can live with them all - but what if there are things in you that make you really angry? There are things I think about that I don't want to think about. There are things I do that I don't want to do, and no matter how hard I try to stop them I can't. No matter how hard I try to fix them I can't. I left counseling on Tuesday more angry than I had ever been in a very long time. I had to wait to drive, and when I did I took the long way that no one drives on. When I got home I sat in the garage for almost an hour, just sitting angry. I wasn't angry at me (well not at first) I was angry at God. If I don't remember much of my childhood, how can I see what caused the this stuff so I can fix it. Then I was mad at me for being mad at God. How do I get rid of the anger? I am so wrapped up in it. I can't get rid of it, it is like an ugly coat that I can't take off. "Like I'm caught in a tide, being pulled out to sea."

But the best part of that scene is the next line, the reply to Victora from a wise woman:
"The sea leads to many places dearie, maybe you'll land somewhere better."

So that is the goal.

True Friendship

This was sent to me recently in an email. It encompasses what a true friend is. Not something sappy or nice, but truth:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry punk who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
4. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse! it could be until you quit whining.
5. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
6. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
7. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at you.
8. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember.......A good friend will help you move....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.