Sometimes . . .

Sometimes in our effort to "find ourselves" we get totally lost and in the process loose ourselves. Does that sound kind of Biblical?

(insert time that it took for me to go look that up)

Matthew 10:39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Maybe that isn't exactly what I meant, but it could be.

Because tonight, tonight, tonight . . . oh oh

I have been watching a little Arrested Development today. I had forgotten how hilarious season 1 was. All the one liners and sarcastic comments I had forgotten, man I sure did miss them. Like Michaels comment when his mother was upset about her fox missing a leg . . . would anyone notice? "Well you have to remember you are going to be splattered in red paint. It will distract the eye." Or Buster with his panic attacks and constant back rubbing of his family. And GOB with "It's an illusion Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money . . . [and upon noticing children says] or candy." Or if you watch the un-cut version instead of candy saying - "or cocaine". Ahh, the memories.

Tonight I am a little concerned that I can't reach a friend of mine. An odd occurrence because I got his voice mail earlier today, and now it is saying that number is no longer in service. So, tomorrow he better email me; that's all I have to say about that.

Esther 4:14

Esther 4:14 "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Esther came to a place where she could risk everything and loose her life to save others. Her life had been building to that moment where she had to choose to stand by and watch those she loved hurting, or she could step up and save their life (maybe loosing her's in the process). I am not Esther, I could only try to be as brave as her, but I have come to a place in my life where I can stand up and help a friend - even if it means loosing others because of my choice. Or I can just sit by, and hope others help. I chose to stand up, because I know how he feels, and I don't want him going through this without someone who has emerged from the other side. I am here for such a time as this. I don't know what I will say or what I will do, but I will be there. And I pray God uses me for good in this. I pray that God won't let me get ahead of my self, cocky and sure that I can help him on my own. Because if I do, I will fail. I will go down, and possibly drag him along with me. I know my stand is not going to be popular with some, but that is their problem.

Different Side Of Things

A side of me that some have heard about, but few have seen.

One of my enemies

Desire is the enemy. I never really looked at it that way, but that is reality for me. If I desire to get married, or have kids, have a better position at my office, travel, etc. and it doesn't happen, then I am sad. That desire becomes my enemy because it causes me grief. So instead I kill the enemy before it can kill me. A few days ago I told someone that I decide my life sucks, so it does. The question is then why and the answer lies in the desires. I want to live in that stage of life where things just don't go well, because that is what I know. If I live my life desiring then I don't know what might happen. And if what I desire never comes to pass then I have been let down . . . again. Light bulb moment for me.

So instead of desiring big things, I want for little things, or things I can't control. I desire to have gray hair. I don't know why - probably because everyone else on the planet doesn't want gray hair. If I get gray hair or not, I can't control it. I have no hand in it what-so-ever. So if it doesn't happen that is ok, because then I have something everyone else wants. If I do then I am happy because I'm twisted and want gray hair. I root for a bad baseball team. The only reason is because I live in a town that worships their team and I want to be the opposite. If they have a good season or not, I have no control. Now, even in those things I face disappointment, but it isn't like I get dumped by my boyfriend, or I get fired from my job.

So that brings be to my random thought of being Floydian (not Freudian - big difference, don't get those confused). I was at a concert last week with some friends. We were talking about how people see life. I am not sure how this all came about - if we were talking about the band, or some other people we were with, or what (to be honest I was listening to the war protest music, trying to soak up the anger), but somehow the band Pink Floyd came up (key word anger). Now, I have always liked Pink Floyd. I had not really heard much of their music until recently, but in that time I have become hooked (different story, so I digress). We were talking about how they have a very pessimistic view of life. I said it was more than just looking at a glass and saying it's half full, or it's half empty for them. And I look at life like this water bottle (the bottle had about 3 swigs gone from it) I see it and I say it is about gone. And they said that sounded very Floydian (coining the phrase right then and there). I laughed and went back to the anger music. But I started thinking. I was joking when I said that the bottle of water was almost gone, but if I really thought about it, that is exactly how I see it. That is depressing.

Random Thoughts

Aren't they all?

1. I didn't get a contact high like I had hoped, but I did have a good time.
2. My favorite shirt (Math Triathlon) has about 6 holes in the back of it. Probably from wearing it so much. I know there is one person laughing about me wearing holes in my shirt - SHUT IT!
3. While I don't want to impeach the President, there is a great song about it that made me laugh a lot.
4. I am Floydian (Not Freudian)
5. I'm suppose to go to a wedding tomorrow night . . . I have no idea what time. It's on the card!
6. I don't know how to spell triathlon and that frustrated me . . . it's on my shirt.
   

Casino Royale Trailer

I think I am the only person on the planet excited about Daniel Craig being the new Bond (well besides Daniel Craig himself). I have been a big fan of his for a long time . . . and you just heard his name 6 months ago when they announced him as the next 007. The fact that they are making a prequel makes the movie that much better, to witness the transformation from random agent to the best. My biggest problem right now - they have him signed, filmed the first movie, now they are going to make him gay, or at least explore that option. GIVE ME A BREAK! It's James Bond, they can't do that. "We don't want to ignore our gay Bond fan base." Well ignore them, because he isn't gay! So whatever, do what you want, I will still be excited for Casino Royale!

A Little Bit Of Everything

I'm not really sure where I am going on this one. I feel like I have so much inside my head, no telling what will come out . . . "Morgan - Un-filtered and Uninhibited."

I just got back from a longer than normal walk with my dog Addie. No it wasn't really that long, just longer than normal, and longer than the ones NAD took her on. Maybe she will like me better than him now. It will probably take more than that.

I just got back from being at home for a few days. 1: Akeela And The Bee is a good movie. It isn't brilliant or deep, but it is good. 2: RV was better than I thought possible. Again, not brilliant or deep, but it was good for a little relaxation and a laugh. I like movies that make you think, but sometimes I just need to laugh, or relax, or both. 3: My family is changing.

I think I will go a little further with that one. When I am with my family (usually my mom and my grandparents) I think things like: How can I be related to these people, I am so different. The other thought is: How could I be related to anyone else, I am just like these people. First of all I look like them. I mean, when you see me with my mom, there is no mistaking that we are related. I act a little like my mom, the way she taught me (not always consciously). Where I am different - my personality is a lot like my dads. It had to be inherited by birth because I wasn't around him enough to get it any other way. He acts a lot differently than this group, causing me to act differently than this group (in many ways), so in that way I am an outcast. I don't look at myself as an outcast, and I know that they don't see me as anything but one of the family, but that word just came to me for some reason. I look at my family and see that, in general, it hasn't changed. The number of people has, the complexity has, but those in it haven't really . . . Until recently. We have been a family of glossers. Glossing over problems we have in our lives both in and out of the family. As I become more transparent, my mom becomes more transparent, and I don't think anyone else is really on board with this. Instead of working with us on working out problems we have with one another, they fight it and make it harder. Maybe that isn't it at all.

I realized over the weekend I have too much media. TV on most of the time, if for nothing else background noise. So much music, I haven't listened to all of it. Email, blogs, online news, pictures, and Google video. It is all so much. So I am fasting . . . in a sense. I'm not really watching TV. Unless I am sitting down and watching I don't need it on. Until I listen to every song I have I'm not buying anymore (or borrowing). Email . . . well maybe I won't check it every hour. That was getting crazy. Blogs . . . I don't write in this one as much as I use to, and I will only check the ones I read once a day (not 20 times). You get the idea. Cutting stuff out, giving me more time for my hobbies that I haven't touched in a month. Stained glass projects sit in idea phases on my table, a guitar that is dusty sits in the corner (because I won't take the time to learn how to play it), my dog has a permanent spot next to the desk (the only place she knows she can be and I will be near her). We will see how that goes. I'll keep you posted - or not.

I guess that is all I know, for now at least.