Stroll

I was strolling around my old posts today and I came across 4 old posts that I just titled and didn't write. It was funny, because at the time they seemed so important to write about - and I just didn't have the time or the mental energy at that moment (3 at the end of May around my mom's surgery, 1 in April after watching a really mind bending movie) to write them. When I found them it took me a minute to remember what 2 of them were about . I just kept staring at the titles trying to drudge up every experience I had and wondering what the heck I was talking about. Anyway - I think I have some time now to work on them so be looking for them over the next few days. Exciting stuff over here wouldn't you say? I'll bet you are super excited (all 2 of you who read here).

Later,
Morgan

This Moment

This moment right now is the perfect moment to sit back on the couch and pop in a good old movie. Like Harvey, or What About Bob, or Clue, or Hoodwinked, or Drop Dead Gorgeous - any of those that I can watch and know and fall asleep and not really miss anything. It is moments like these that are the teachable moments. The moments that say - you can read a book, take a nap, write someone you haven't spoken to in a long time, plan out your week, or just be in silence.

For those of you who missed flood work today - you missed out on a great time. Let me know if you are interested in going again - I am planning on a few more days out there myself. Nothing like tearing down a sand bag wall (or in my case making 60 sandwiches).

Accident

I came to my blog just now by accident so I decided to write. Many of you, including me, thought that this whole "no tv" thing would mean that this blog would become a blog 365 - well that didn't happen. I think you are just going to have to come to terms with that because I am not a blog 365 kind of girl - no matter what the writing on the bathroom wall said.

I had a realization today. It has been something that has been slowly creeping up on me for about a year now. I think in the midst of this crazy job situation, and life situation, and the fact that I am finally coming to terms with leaving my last job and all the baggage that went a long with that, and seeing all my family last weekend, and watching my mom the last few months that this is all finally coming to the surface. And the realization is this - I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of me. I don't completely know what that entails because I have just had this realization while I was driving home today from some house tours I am did for work today (pictures of one to follow), so I don't completely know how to explain it to you . . . or really to myself. I have always know of a war going on inside myself. A war that has been fought since about 1983 at least (do the math on that one), with battles being won on both sides - some battles won with with major fatalities, and some with a simple handshake and a step aside. And I think that has something to do with this newly realized fear of me. I may work this out here, from time to time, I may not. I think I need a few days manual labor and it will become clearer to me - flood work here I come.

What Day Is It?

A few years ago (OK about 5) I worked at a great camp in Arizona. The first week we spent getting to know one another before all the kids arrived. I didn't know a soul up there, and my time zones were all screwed up. Come to find out that was the case for more than me. At breakfast, after a few intense days one of the guys stumbled into the breakfast area and asked, "What day is it?" I'm not sure if he was just trying to be funny, or he really didn't know what day it was - knowing him as I do I would say a bit of both.

That is how I feel today. Last week was full, more full than it has been in a long time. None of my nights went as planned and my weekend was thrust upon me. The weekend was a blur of driving and family. Yesterday was a marathon day lasting about 12 hours. All leaving me to wonder when my alarm went off, "What day is it?"

My life is not hard, it is not stressful. My job is boring, and it is rare that I work any over time. My evening activities are few, and my weekends are even more open. Why am I unhappy in this?

Most days I just want to sell everything I own - use that money to pay of my meager school loan and my car, pack up my dog and drive away. I don't know where I would go, or what I would do. I guess when I ran out of gas I would stop and get a job there until I got enough money to put more gas in the car and drive some more. Life is really interesting when you don't have any ambition. I use to have goals and ambitions, now I'm not so sure.

Resurrect Me - Jon Foreman

I think I have been listening to this song way more than I should. I can't help it - the driving beat and the sound of the guitar make it irresistible. And the lyrics just top it off. Go listen to it if you can find it.

Resurrect Me - Jon Foreman

It takes a long time to kill a man
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
To go off, and get him some peace

I want to die a lot quicker then that
If that’s my only way out
I’ve been counting up the coast
Getting up on that cross
I want to know what this is all about

Father Time steals our days like a thief
There’s no price that I wouldn’t pay to get some relief
I’ve become the empty shell
Of a man I liked so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me

I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn’t seem to help
She’s got a pretty face with her wedding lace
But I’m still waking up with myself

I know what it means to choke it down
Down until your legs get weak
I know what it’s like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street

Father Time steals our days like a thief
There's no price that I haven't paid to get some relief
I've become the shell of a man
I am beginning to understand
I've forgotten who I am
Come on and resurrect me

Resurrect me
Come on and resurrect me

While I Was Out

While I was out these comics were published and I wasn't around to see them. But they are great and must be shared:

Hiatus Update

Some of you have been asking me how it is gong with the whole absence of TV and movies thing, and I have to be honest - it has been really hard and really easy at the same time. Most nights lately I have been really busy. The first real test was last weekend, and I ended up with a full weekend without trying. This last week was just as full, and this weekend was kind of thrown on me at the last minute.

I need to pause (the French word for stop) for a moment and clear something up. This weekend trip is totally unexpected and unplanned. At this point I'm not even all the way to my destination and I am still in the dark as to how and when I am actually going to make it there and how and when I will actually make it home. That in, and of itself makes me a bit crazy - but I couldn't be more happy about the trip and the chance to see all my family in one place for at least 24 hours. It is rare for families to get together, it is even more rare for a family like mine to even desire to be in the same room - yet we do, and we will, and it will be great. I feel like I am leaving the impression in emails, Facebook, and this blog that I am upset about the trip - and I am not.

So the issues I thought I would face with this whole hiatus haven't been what I thought. There have been moments when I want to flip the TV on to see Scrubs while I eat, or watch Jim Gaffigan for the 19th time, or whatever. But for the most part I haven't really been effected. Movies are a separate issue, especially with Batman coming out today. All the buzz was bad enough, but now the real reviews are coming out. For some reason I tend to torture myself with movie trailers. I don't know why I do it. I see a link for a new movie and I watch it - like the movie called Take. It looks incredible and it comes out tonight . . . picture a movie like Crash (from what I can tell from the trailer). I can't figure it out, almost like I can see a piece of it just so I know what is going on.

The thought was when I started was what was I going to do with all the Internet access to movie clips, trailers, and even online TV shows and movies. And that is an answer I am still dealing with. YouTube has never been a problem for me. A clip or two and I am good. And that is still the case - but I love Chocolate Rain, and I can barely get enough! But trailers have become a huge problem. I have watched about 6 for Batman alone. Doesn't that really defeat the purpose? Where is the line?

Russian

I don't like to rush. And that is why today wasn't the best. I spent it trying to get ready to leave on an impromptu trip that I didn't know about until 9:00 this morning. I'm all about a little surprise here or there, or a random trip thrown into the mix - but not one where I have to drive 8 hours by myself to be random and spontaneous. If you are going to do a random and spontaneous trip you had better be planning to be in the car with me to keep me awake.

PI

No, not Magnum.

Poison Ivy makes me feel dirty. Dirty as in, have dirt on me, look soiled.

I had it

I had something to say earlier, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Oh well, the headache, vet visit, pending home inspection, and probably poison ivy must have eaten it.

Movie Monday

The first Movie Monday since the hiatus - so far no movie, so it has been fun. It is about time to set up the puzzle and get out the guitar. I actually had my first lesson this weekend, and this looks like a breeze (not really).

So yesterday I had the duty of killing a rabbit that my dog caught. It wasn't going to live and I didn't want it to suffer. I cried from the time I had to finish it off, through the burial, and into the rest of my outside chores. I'm such a baby.

This is how I feel about my own blog

Muny

I have never gone to the Muny and thought, "I wish I had on a pair of jeans." Well tonight was that night. I had a sweatshirt, but that was not enough.

Dream Weaver

I had a dream about a movie. That is right, I dream about movies now. Not just any movie, a movie I was able to watch being filmed. It was weird. I think it would make a great movie - no not me dreaming about a movie being made - but the movie I was watching.

I don't have all the details, because most of the time I wake up, say what the heck was that, and go on about my day. My dreams are very vivid, sometimes pieces come true, and are so strange that I try hard to remember all the circumstances but I can not. People have told me to start writing down my dreams in the morning because then I will start remembering them. Another book I think I'm going to read says write 3 pages a day before you get your day started, just free write and get all the mental clutter out. Maybe they are both right. I'm getting off target.

MY DREAM:

The main character is a man who is a Richard the 3rd type guy - only he is not ugly and misshapen so his the giant chip on his shoulder doesn't come from that. He is a dictator of sorts, but not directly in charge of a country. In my dream he was played by Robert Downey Jr. Maybe because Robert Downey Jr. was in the 90's version of Richard the 3rd, maybe because I saw a news article about him yesterday, maybe because I just dream of Robert Downey Jr. - who knows. Anyway, he doesn't have a name - but to avoid confusion we will call him by his last name. Why would there be confusion you ask - I'll tell you why.

The other main character is a man who is the character opposite of the first guy. He is not played by Robert Downey Jr. but by someone else that I couldn't quite see. Ready for the confusion - He is RDJ's character in a parallel universe. Same name - so well will call him by his first name.

So there was an event in "last name's" life that made him this crazy Richard the 3rd type and this event did not happen in "first name's" life. An organization brought "first name" from his parallel universe to defeat "last name".

It sounds stupid, because it is. But don't most books and movies start off pretty stupid? Don't most books and movies end up still being stupid after it is all said and done?

Pantry Car

I don't know what it is about this blogging site, but it doesn't do the spacing quite right. For instance, the last post lacks all but 3 of the correct spacing between the paragraphs. I put them in, increased them even, but they don't show up. I guess you will have to forgive me if that bothers you.

I don't really have much to report today. I had a pretty full day, and my car is pretty full of food. For some reason I bought some groceries (no refrigerator needed ones) and they are just sitting in my car. When I get out to go to work, I just grab what I want, put it in my little lunch bag and away I go. So now I have a pantry car.

Reasons

Reasons - wasn't that the name of a Fleetwood Mac Album? No, Rumors . . . whatever. Great album, great BAND!!! Moving on to reasons.

I am having a bit of trouble concentrating when Blondie is playing in the background and my mind is all over the place after that piece of birthday cake I just ate. Yes, sugar high and CALL ME being screeched in the background is enough to even turn a Buddhist a little edgy. Couple that with the detox I am currently going through with my non TV or movie viewing and you have full blown ADD that won't quit.

Addictions are a terrible thing. Ask any reformed drug addict, alcoholic, over eater, even people pleaser, and they will tell you that living your life for your next hit, fix, piece of cake, or approving nod is enough to make a person crazy. Sometimes you don't know when you are in the middle of it that there is anything even really wrong at all - it all seems so normal. Before you reformed people I just mentioned come after me saying that I don't know what I'm talking about I have to say this. I have never been addicted to drugs, but I have felt the pull of alcohol my fair share of times and I have also watched my grandfather fight it every day of my life. I have eaten my way through cartons of ice cream, cake, and bagel chips only to wipe my mouth and ask "Where did you hide the string cheese?" I have spent my entire life looking for the approval of others to the point where I didn't, and sometimes still don't, know who I really am or who I would have been if I allowed myself to grow.

Television and movies are not any of those things I listed above. They are not dangerous to your system, and heaven only knows that I "love me some movies!" I love me some movies so much that I will watch them over and over and over again. I love them so much that there are probably 10 movies I could quote from start to finish . . . and that is probably underestimating. I don't think there is anything wrong with movies or with the entertainment industry. This is not some boycott because I want to make a point about Hollywood and that "trash they put on the screen." This is not a religious jaunt I am taking because I think that movies are "from the devil." The simple reason is, I'm just doing it.

I'm doing it because I have watched so many movies and seen so much stuff that things have kind of lost their edge. I think that is the case with many people - or why would Iron Man, or The Dark Knight have to be "more action packed" than anything you have ever seen before. Movies have more blowing up, more sex, more language, more action, more everything - just so it will be edgier and more people will go see it and more people will talk about it. I love a lot of things blowing up, I love action, I love all the language, I love every movie that has a twist that you never saw coming, I love it all (especially the sex) - but in that love of it all I just find that I have grown bored with it. Like it is all TOO BIG and I need to step back and get back to some basics in my own life.

I'm doing it because I don't know where to draw the line anymore. Was the line after Kiddo killed 250 ninjas in that fight scene or where she killed 300? Was the line when I saw a comedy about cannibalism and laughed hysterically when they delivered this line: "It's really hard for me to make friends."? Was the line when I sat and watched 6 movies in a row? I'm not saying that I was wrong to watch those movies, or that you are wrong for watching those movies, but what am I really putting into my brain? It has become something that I have a need for. Something shocking, something ironic, something to puzzle over, something to talk about. It has become more than a casual love of movies. Some of you will argue the history of movies as a reason for why others were made. Don't pull that card with me. I have written papers on movies, movie history, movie genres, movie irony, movie copiers, and movie geniuses. 15 pages on Moulin Rouge alone, don't think I couldn't do that for any other movie.

I'm doing it because I can't go a day without watching little people perform for me on a screen. I can't eat dinner without having the TV on. I can't let the latest and greatest movie come out without having a heart attack when I can't see it on opening weekend. I can't sleep until I have watched the DVR of that nights Heroes (or whatever show I HAVE TO WATCH THIS WEEK OR I WILL DIE) I missed because I was gone. I have even gone to the extent of watching a TV show at work because I had missed it the night before and I heard it was a "must see". What the heck, watched it at WORK?

I'm doing it because I'm not really all that excited about anything anymore. I hate my life because my problems don't work themselves out after 30 minutes to an hour, and I can't leave my life in cliff hanger mode for a week to pick up the problem 7 days later. Simple things like swinging, going for a drive (even if it costs $100), going for a walk, or playing with my dog are not ACTION packed.

I'm doing it because I'm starting to relate to people I see in the movies, and talking about them like they are my friends, or that life would be so fun to be them. Yeah it would be fun if I wanted someone directing my every word and action. "And cut! OK, let's try that one again, but this time you don't care where I was and you are happy to see me. And lets do this take topless." (Obscure comedian reference there, leave it if you don't know)

I'm doing it because there are things that I want to do and things I want to learn to do, but I never have the time. Oh I have the time, I just spend it sitting on my butt. The guitar looks fun.

I'm doing this because last month I went camping. Once there I was cut off from cell phone service, no one was listening to music, and the whole place was just quiet. People were talking to one another. People were making up stories around the campfire. People were just enjoying being. Just being. Holy CRAP that was nice, just being. No distractions, just being. Have I said it was nice to just be? A couple of weeks later I went out to watch a Boy Scout tradition that I had never seen before. As I looked around I realized that there is beauty and joy in just being out in the woods. In being part of something bigger than yourself. I mean I knew that already. I have spent my fair share of time in the woods. But being there again reminded me of it. Reminded me how great it was to be apart of something like that. Reminded me how great it was to just live and not be distracted.

I don't think any one of those reasons is a reason to give up watching. I don't think any one of those reasons is right or wrong. I don't think you are wrong for watching for any one of those reasons. I don't think I am wrong for watching for any one of those reasons. But I have come to a point where all of those reasons put together are enough to make me stop and reflect and see that maybe I need to get some of my priorities straightened out. The last year has been extremely hard for me. I spent a lot of time covering that up by zoning out and watching other situations so that I didn't have to think about my own. Well more changes and crap are coming my way, and I don't want to distract from it - I want to face it. Face it in the best mind set I can, in a clear mindset.

I don't think that this is going to be easy. I'm only one week into it and I am itching to watch just 15 minutes of ANYTHING!!! There are a lot of movies I have been looking forward to for a long time, and they are still slated to come out in 2008 and the beginning of 2009. I guess I will just wait a little longer. There are the Olympics starting soon, the presidential debates (yes I am that much of a nerd), and other movies that I don't even know about yet that I'm sure I will want to see. I don't know what made me decide a year time frame, maybe because I could hold my breath for a month so that didn't seem like a big deal - but a year. A year is commitment, I hate commitment.

Well The Best Of Blondie is over, and the good old iTunes has moved onto another album so maybe it is time to wrap this up. You may agree, you may disagree - I welcome all comments. There are obviously those who think I can't do it (me included), but I know some of you think I can. I gave my reasons not out of a need to be "right" but more as a way to answer the masses that have said, WHAT! WHY?

It's a start

I have been meaning to get to the whole "why the hell are you not watching TV or movies for a year?" question that has been thrown my way about 1019 times. I know that many times I exaggerate a number because that is part of the drama that is Mary Kathryn Morgan - but I don't think that I am exaggerating that number.

ANYWAY - I read this blog today and thought it seemed like it correlated a bit with the question on every one's mind about me and my TV and movie habit. So with that I give you the link: http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/249. And with that I put off for another day what you have been begging me to give you - an answer.

Grown Up

I am a grown up . . . an adult . . . I don't feel like one. I know I will never really get life figured out. By the time a person does really understand I think they are closing their eyes for the last time.

Anyway, pieces of my past keep creeping up:

Who knows what I am suppose to do next.

I Just Want You To Have Your Hands On Me

This pretty much sums up the weekend. I am TIRED. She is actually not yawning, she is crying because I won't pay proper attention to her. I got a new camera and so I don't think she knows yet that it is a camera. She is use to the old one, so when it comes out she hides her face. This time she just cried because I wasn't touching her, because that is all she needs in life ME TOUCHING HER ALL DAY LONG!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Anyway, don't have many pictures from the weekend that need to be shared. Mostly some before pictures of the yard work and water garden fixing I did. No afters, because I forgot.

Nil

No pictures for today. Spent the day cleaning out my mom's water garden, re potting a water lily, and cleaning out her flower beds. It is about time I do something like that for her, I have done it for everyone else now. I do have pictures (with the new camera) but they are still on the camera. I can't (well I could) take them off here, there would be no point of having them here and at my house - so you will just have to wait for the all important pictures. Deal.

Poland

This is one of my favorite pictures my mom has brought back from her trips to Poland. She doesn't go there for vacation, or to catch up on her WWII history, she goes to help people - just like this boy - gain some independence from disabilities. The great thing about this picture is the story behind it. They took the time to fit the chair for him, get him use to the char, show him how to use it so that he could get around on his own. After all that was said and done they were saying their goodbyes. He started to get sad, because he was going to have to give the chair back. He didn't understand that was for him to use all the time. When they told him he was going home with it she captured the look on his face as he said, "I get to keep it?!"

My mom, like me, lives a very even life. Few things make her really excited, and few things make her really depressed. We just live on an even line. Poland makes her deviate from the line. I have lived the past few years slowly coming to the realization that I will probably watch as she moves across the world to live there. She disputes it, but it wouldn't surprise me. She has gone every summer for I don't know how many summers. She decided not to go this year and instead stay home and have a surgery. A few days ago the team that went this year came home to report that this summer may have been the last time they are going to go in the summer, maybe go at all. If they go in September, like reported, it will be with a skeleton crew and she can't go in September, that is when she is teaching. The system they work in helps the Polish people to eventually be able to do for themselves what they send her over to do. In the end they worked themselves out of a job over there. Good for the Polish people who now have the skills and equipment to help themselves, bad for those who have a heart for those people.

Going to Poland puts her way over the line, finding out that she may never get to go back to do what she loves to do (making people light up like this boy) puts her way under the line. I'm hoping the reports aren't true, but you never can tell. I keep telling her she can go there and do something else, or work with the Polish people to continue on with the work that they are doing for themselves now . . . my hope is that she does just that.

Cake has the ability to bring people together

Logged on this morning to find another vote. Now I'm up to 7. Does that mean 7 people actually read my blog (because I thought the number was way lower), or does that mean that some people voted more than once? To be honest I voted, and you will not BELIEVE how I used my vote.

Anyway, as I said yesterday - my fun quotient was full to overflowing and that was at like 6. By the time I went to bed I was drunk on fun and friends and I woke up with a sort of hang over this morning. What is cool about a fun and friend hang over is that it isn't accompanied by a headache and dry mouth like a regular hang over, but it caries with it something that I don't usually experience - dare I say quirkiness. All morning I have been writing quirky emails and thinking about random thoughts. Example of quirkiness - comparing a meeting day at a job to a national holiday where people go out and meet their neighbors and people from other cultures, talking about my tent and how I had taken up residence there and was starting to act like those people from Deliverance - where does this stuff come from??

I don't have any pictures from today, but I am going to give a few from last night. We partied like it was 2008 (May 2008 to be exact). And as soon as I get a few pictures from Sunday nights party I will probably post them here as well. Sunday night we partied like it was 1965. I'm going to let you all work these dates out on your own. You have to keep your head on a swivel when it comes to me and my quirky randomness.

Hope It's Chocolate For Me!

Last night I deleted all my Jim Gaffigan, random movies, and random shows off of the DVR. Something tells me that in a year things will be different - they sure as heck are this birthday than last. I usually take this day to do a year recap - but I just don't feel like it today. Last year is one I don't want to live again - leaving me to know that the curse of the even numbered year is true.

Today, however, my fun quotient has been filled and is now overflowing, and I still have another dinner to go to, making that a super full day of fun and . . . well just fun. Barely worked today and got to see quite a few of my favorite people, and the ones I haven't seen yet I will see in about 15 minutes, and those that are still left I will just have to deal with next week.

I know I promised an TV explanation today, but I just can't do it today either. Thanks for all of your votes so far, I can't believe people are actually voting.

A clematis vine I planted a couple of weeks ago is going crazy in our yard. Crappy picture of it here, hoping to take some much better pictures in a few days (keeping my fingers crossed for a new camera).

New Do

Some of you are probably wondering, "What is up with your new banner?" . . . OK, none of you are actually asking that question. Of the 3 of you who read this blog you either A. don't care, or B. already know what is happening.

Starting tomorrow (12 tonight to be exact) I am not watching TV or movies for 1 year. 365 days (lucky I didn't pick a leap year). The reasons are many - some making sense, some not so much. I am not going to go into it tonight because, well because I have too much TV watching to do before the clock strikes.

See you later with some reasons, or 4 or 5 blog entries I have started since May but have never finished.

Morgan