No one can

"No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just . . . come out the other side. Or you don't" - The Stand, Stephen King

I'm Boring

I'm bored. I guess I'm not really bored, I am just stuck. I feel like going to bed and it is only a quarter to 7.

Look

Have you ever forgotten what you look like? I am being serious. I do all the time. You may think that it is impossible to forget what you look like, but I do all the time. It isn't like I am surprised when I look in the mirror, but there are times when I just get puzzled. Let me give you an example. Yesterday I was talking to someone at work and I caught a look at myself in the glass of a picture behind him. I knew it was me, it wasn't like I didn't know who it was - but I had been joking around and I was laughing. I guess I have never seen myself in action. I go to the mirror in the morning, look as little as possible, and get the heck out of Dodge. I don't see myself in a "normal" situation where I am laughing, or crying, or smiling, or frowning, or have my eyes glazed over. I guess it was a little different, and I had forgotten I looked like that when I laughed.

Maybe there is something deeper there, but I am choosing not to go there right now.

i don't get it

i think that i think about it more and more now because i don't get it. i think if i got it i wouldn't wonder about it all the time. if i could just see how it works - really see it and not just glimpses of it - maybe i wouldn't wonder about it so much. wonder at how it actually works, wonder at how it could ever work, wonder if it could work for me. sometimes i think i should just ask, but then i stop - maybe it can't be explained, it just is.

Jimmy Johns

For those of you who know me well, know that I love Jimmy Johns. I feel like I truly came alive the first time I had a Jimmy Johns sandwich. They were everything I wanted in a sandwich place. Cool shirts, fun signs on the wall, good music, nice atmosphere, great bread, good options, fun stuff on their sandwiches, catchy jingles . . . man I had found my restaurant. This love affair has gone on for a long time. I don't know that there were very many weeks that went by that I didn't have one of their sandwiches. It was hard to get one sometimes because all the stores were far from my house. A few months ago they opened one closer, and I knew that I was going to have to go on some 12 step program to keep myself from going there everyday. I realized last night that I hadn't been to Jimmy Johns in about a month. This greatly disturbed me, so I set out to fix that situation. I visited the one on Olive . . . MISTAKE #1. They weren't too busy, but busy enough for a line. When it was my turn they informed me that they didn't have any of their French bread left (the best kind) and if I wanted a sandwich I needed to have it on wheat bread. I really wanted my Jimmy Johns fix so I reluctantly agreed . . . MISTAKE #2. They had a few sandwiches to make before mine so I sat down and read a paper . . . MISTAKE #3. After the last person before me got their sandwich the guys behind the counter started dispersing. I went and stood at the counter. THEY FORGOT TO MAKE MY SANDWICH! You know the one I wanted even though it was on the wrong bread. So they finally made it after I stood there and stared at them, burning holes into their skulls with all the anger I could muster without looking angry (its this thing I do, don't ask). I started to eat my sandwich . . . it had no cheese on it. The one ingredient I asked for extra on the sandwich. I decided not to press my luck and eat on. Well I should have gone back to get cheese, because I just couldn't get it all down. The place was a mess, they didn't have my bread, and they didn't care. At Jimmy Johns you are SUPPOSE TO CARE! So, my love affair might be over. I should have left when I knew they didn't have my bread, but after driving all that way for a sandwich, how could I turn my back on it?

Indians

Oh my goodness, the Indians won a game today. Not just by a few points but 11-0. What a new thing to have happen! Exciting! Still no email . . . anger is slowly bubbling to the surface.

Email!

I can't check my email. It is about to drive me crazy. Maybe this is God's way of keeping me from checking it every hour.

Welp

WOW! where do i begin? where do i end? do i even get into this at all? so a few posts ago i talked about THIS, yes that's right i did a stupid, stupid, stupid thing. i didn't talk about it because i was embarrassed. THE NEXT DAY i was sure that i was right - it was stupid. i still didn't talk about it. but i think today is the day, i'm going to talk about it. not because i want to, but because i NEED to. not many people read this, so this is where it is going - so if you read it then know you are part of a small group of people that know something that i'm not spreading around.

LOVE SUCKS! or something sucks, whatever it was, it wasn't love - but that is the best name for me to give it right now. so i sent an email to an old boyfriend - that's the stupidity. i'm not really sure why . . . i do - curiosity, loneliness, life, memories, forgetfulness. i hadn't thought about him in a long time, i'm talking about a year. what makes this interesting is i thought about the person before him more than him (part of our problem while we were dating - i brought that person along every time we spent time together). so the fact that he popped into my head was new. i wrote about it - started with a DREAM, i'm not going to get into all that again, i have already been through it with you. well the curiosity of where he was and what he was doing was eating me alive . . . so i made a decision, i emailed him. i felt pretty good about it, until .5 seconds after i hit send. my only hope was that he didn't have that email any more, or that it went straight to his junk mail. after a week i thought that was true, it either got lost in the shuffle, or he didn't want to talk to me. either way i was off the hook, i had an answer (of sorts). well today it happened. i opened my email box and there it sat - a reply - almost 2 weeks later. i would say i was surprised, but it is typical. i don't mean that bad, but he didn't check his email often. loved computers, but he didn't use email much. welp . . . still running his own business, doing well with it, and married. by the way, married to the girl he started dating after we broke up - yeah, that girl.

i don't know what i wanted out of my email correspondence. i didn't want to get back together with him . . . or did i? am i just in a spot right now where i would settle because i am bored or lonely, or whatever it is that i am? i didn't want to hear that he was miserable. i wasn't writing to tell him some of what was going on with me so that i could hear that his business went under, or that after we broke up he was a shell of a human being and was nothing without me. i didn't write to hear any of that. i figured he was married, i guess i just didn't want to hear it.

i have spent most of my life fighting the idea of marriage. not the idea for others, but having that for me. i thought life would just be easier alone. i could just be me. if i didn't feel like talking - then i didn't have to. i didn't have to compromise. if i felt like going out, i could go. if i felt like taking a trip, i would and i wouldn't have someone telling me they wanted to go to austin, when i wanted to go to denver (because i don't know anyone who would volunteer to visit austin). problem - working with married people. correction - working with happily married people (or at least that is how they look on the outside, and i believe them). and kids . . . man some of them just capture you - i did not expect that. some guy once said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. " who can argue with that guy - he is God? so is he saying the same for me? it isn't good for me to be alone. can i live forever without compromise in my life. can i live forever for just me - all about me? in the end i don't think that would be good for anyone. i would just grow more and more self involved.

so what is the next step? i have no idea.

Games

Next time you go, take a board game. It is more fun - "and you can take that to the bank."

Expectations

I have a new writing assignment. I live in two worlds when it comes to this assignment - the real world and the made up world I have in my head. NO, it isn't for a grade, or for a publication or, for any reason other than fun - but I am scared to death!

Reality: A fun thing to do with a friend of mine. Writing a horror movie about an evil pool vacuum cleaner. No expectations from the other person writing. They just want to write, and want me to write with them. No pressure, no opposition, no problem.

Whacked out Katie world: Am I good enough? Will my parts of it be good, or will I let her down? I don't think I can breathe.

CRAZY, right? Honestly, I think it will be fun, but my first thought was not "oh, this will be fun," but rather - "how can I get her to write the whole thing?" My biggest problem is the fear of letting someone down, and in this case the only way I can let her down is by not participating. Somewhere along the line when I was growing up I lost sight of the fun factor. I don't remember my parents critiquing my work, but I came away from my childhood with the idea that I can't do anything that I don't know ahead of time will be a success. She comes from a world where she is encouraged in everything, pushed to think outside the box and learn from the mistake, not raked over the coals for it. In this I need to think that way, not my way. Problem is - how do I unlearn 27 years of worry and focus on the experience?

Further Reflection

Upon further reflection I can only say one thing:

"I have made a huge mistake!"

Today I can say, I would take it back - in a heartbeat. Why didn't I listen to the still, quiet voice in my head telling me to walk away from it. To leave the past in the past. To leave people alone. Instead I listened to the loud, obnoxious voice in my head telling me that it would be great. I hate that obnoxious one, it gets me in trouble every time.

Stupidity

I just did something really stupid. I can't take it back, and if I could - I don't know if I would have changed what I did. Curiosity got the best of me, and I couldn't leave it alone. The only way I knew to stop the wondering was to just ask. Now, all I do is wait. Wait and see if I get an answer.

Cryptic, but I don't care. Maybe I will talk about it once I get the answer. Maybe this is just, yet another way, I can create drama.

Ummm . . .

I haven't written in a few days. It feels weird. I went from nothing in a month, to writing about every day, back to not writing.

Weekend: Parade, art, fireworks, swimming, presents, rain, more fireworks

Today: I don't trust, I don't get excited, I don't desire, I don't live. I don't live because I don't do those other things. I'm too busy covering all the bases so I don't feel disappointed in anything or anyone, that I loose sight of what is important - LIVING. If you are happy the people around you are happy right? I was also told I need to find another pond to fish in (or to swim in). Great wisdom in that statement, I just don't know where to find another pond - I think I am too comfortable with this one . . . probably part of my problem.

RANDOM, but don't you love it?

Laughter

I haven't laughed that much in a long time (or hurt so bad the next morning).