Welp

WOW! where do i begin? where do i end? do i even get into this at all? so a few posts ago i talked about THIS, yes that's right i did a stupid, stupid, stupid thing. i didn't talk about it because i was embarrassed. THE NEXT DAY i was sure that i was right - it was stupid. i still didn't talk about it. but i think today is the day, i'm going to talk about it. not because i want to, but because i NEED to. not many people read this, so this is where it is going - so if you read it then know you are part of a small group of people that know something that i'm not spreading around.

LOVE SUCKS! or something sucks, whatever it was, it wasn't love - but that is the best name for me to give it right now. so i sent an email to an old boyfriend - that's the stupidity. i'm not really sure why . . . i do - curiosity, loneliness, life, memories, forgetfulness. i hadn't thought about him in a long time, i'm talking about a year. what makes this interesting is i thought about the person before him more than him (part of our problem while we were dating - i brought that person along every time we spent time together). so the fact that he popped into my head was new. i wrote about it - started with a DREAM, i'm not going to get into all that again, i have already been through it with you. well the curiosity of where he was and what he was doing was eating me alive . . . so i made a decision, i emailed him. i felt pretty good about it, until .5 seconds after i hit send. my only hope was that he didn't have that email any more, or that it went straight to his junk mail. after a week i thought that was true, it either got lost in the shuffle, or he didn't want to talk to me. either way i was off the hook, i had an answer (of sorts). well today it happened. i opened my email box and there it sat - a reply - almost 2 weeks later. i would say i was surprised, but it is typical. i don't mean that bad, but he didn't check his email often. loved computers, but he didn't use email much. welp . . . still running his own business, doing well with it, and married. by the way, married to the girl he started dating after we broke up - yeah, that girl.

i don't know what i wanted out of my email correspondence. i didn't want to get back together with him . . . or did i? am i just in a spot right now where i would settle because i am bored or lonely, or whatever it is that i am? i didn't want to hear that he was miserable. i wasn't writing to tell him some of what was going on with me so that i could hear that his business went under, or that after we broke up he was a shell of a human being and was nothing without me. i didn't write to hear any of that. i figured he was married, i guess i just didn't want to hear it.

i have spent most of my life fighting the idea of marriage. not the idea for others, but having that for me. i thought life would just be easier alone. i could just be me. if i didn't feel like talking - then i didn't have to. i didn't have to compromise. if i felt like going out, i could go. if i felt like taking a trip, i would and i wouldn't have someone telling me they wanted to go to austin, when i wanted to go to denver (because i don't know anyone who would volunteer to visit austin). problem - working with married people. correction - working with happily married people (or at least that is how they look on the outside, and i believe them). and kids . . . man some of them just capture you - i did not expect that. some guy once said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. " who can argue with that guy - he is God? so is he saying the same for me? it isn't good for me to be alone. can i live forever without compromise in my life. can i live forever for just me - all about me? in the end i don't think that would be good for anyone. i would just grow more and more self involved.

so what is the next step? i have no idea.