Problem

I have a problem . . . ok, I have a lot of problems. I chose to address one right now. I have an anger problem. I don't think it is minor, I think it is big. The anger leads to a few other problems, such as yelling and throwing. These are both things I don't want to do. So, "Don't do them," you say.

Today I threw a chess set. Not a large one, not a breakable one, but a chess set none-the-less. Did it brake something? No. Did I throw it at someone? No. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Given the same opportunity would I do it again? No. Some days I throw pillows, some days it is a rock, others it might be a pencil or a box. The questions are not what I throw, but why. And I don't know why.

Today I yelled at my friend at work (it isn't new, I yell at him a lot). Sometimes I yell at him and it isn't even about anything he did, it is about something someone else did. Did I cuss? I don't remember. Was I mean? I don't think so. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Given the same opportunity would I do it again? No.

Today at counseling I yelled at my counselor. She was pushing an issue that isn't an issue. No matter how many times I told her it wasn't an issue, she would just ask the question a different way. When I say it wasn't an issue, I don't mean it is an issue and I was covering . . . there is no issue, and I just want this conversation to go away (because she has been trying to make it into an issue for months). So I went ape poo and told her to leave it alone, if I was numb to it then I was so numb that I won't feel it today and she needed to get onto another issue that I'm not numb about. The second my mouth was closed I felt like crap. I apologized and then burst into tears.

My anger. I get it so bottled up inside that I explode. I take so much before it all comes out, and I leave a path of destruction behind. I'm not thinking, it just happens. It is me, un-filtered and un-restrained. But how do I stop it? How do I let things go? People tell me to just let it go, I was never taught that. I was never taught how to be angry. I was told, "don't". Don't be angry, don't be sad, don't. For all the good things my mom and dad taught me, they never helped me learn to release anger appropriately, or let it go. I was told it was silly, or I shouldn't be. Well deal with it - I'm angry. So instead of telling me I am silly for being angry, or the reasons why I shouldn't be - teach me how to work through it. To feel it, to express it, to move from it. To see the root of the anger and deal with it. Anger is a secondary reaction fed by hurt, or embarrassment, or pain. Teach me to see that, to deal with that.

So now what? I still throw and I still yell. I don't want to. There are things in my life that I don't want there. I don't want to give excuses for it. I just want to stop, but I don't know how.

Wow

I sure do love cops calling my house and asking for money. Then badgering you because you won't give. I was being polite to listen, but come on.

Rant

Who decided that Paris Hilton was hot? Name them for me - seriously. She is not hot.

Who decided that Jessica Simpson was "in"? She is an idiot. Due to the lack of television on last night I caught 2 minutes of her on the Teen Choice Awards last night. That is 2 minutes I can't take back, and will be scared with forever. She is an idiot. Also, why was there so much sexual references on the Teen Choice Awards. TEENS CHOICE - means under 20 and those kids look up to some of those people, and they were all talking about sex. At one pass (I moved around the TV a lot last night instead of just picking up a BOOK) these kids - KIDS won a trip on stage to hold a surf board (the awards). The male host was saying that they would have sex before they went home that night. Ummm, I'm sorry, don't say that to a 14 year old. JUST DON'T.

And Snakes On A Plane. SNAKES ON A PLANE! Why? I know it has gotten all sorts of internet buzz, but the name just says - I'm an moron and I decided to make a movie.



Ok, I feel a little bit better now.

It's 3AM You Must Be Lonely

Stupid nap . . . stupid me for taking the nap! Took a little plane ride this morning and I had to get up early. Well no earlier than I usually do for work. But I was tired none the less. Flew and fought the sleeping. Got home and couldn't fight it anymore. Laid down (for a few minutes) 2 hours later I wake up. CONSEQUENTLY - I am awake now! Ugh, I am such an idiot.

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

Taking a little trip today, so don't be looking for me to be here for a few days. You would have thought since I haven't posted in about 11 days that maybe I had already been on a trip - but I wasn't. I haven't packed yet, cleaned my room, or even really thought much about getting moving yet today. I have been thinking about posting for thosee past 11 days, I just haven't. I don't know if it a writers block, a general lack of desire, or just a hole that has me holding back. Who knows - but my hope is to put that all behind me after this trip. It isn't like this trip is spectacular or different. It is you everyday, run of the mill trip, but I feel like it has the potential to change my outlook. For one I don't have to go to work today - a major splinter in my side for about a month. I find myself in my old pattern of hating it all because one thing went sour. My rock hitting has been at an all time high over the past few weeks - to the point where I have totally obliterated my bat, and I feel great about it. I also get to get away from a problem boy, and really wrap my head around the truth. I have a hard time living in reality sometimes. I create these alternate worlds in my head sometimes, and I guess that is where I get hung up because I don't really live there. Does everyone want their lives to be different?

I think my grandmothers birthday was this week sometime. No one really knows how old she would have been. Her dad couldn't remember the year she was born, and her mom died when she was very young. So we only had an estimation. I think it is a funny story really. It isn't funny that I don't remember her birthday day. I didn't know it when she was alive - I was too busy doing my own "thing." For some reason, now that she is gone it is, for some reason important. Maybe to prove I wasn't a jerk, but I haven't really found truth to that statement when it has ever come to her.

On a brighter note, my little writing project is going well. The one I was freaked out about because I didn't feel like I was up to the task. I am having a great time, laughing a lot at what we have both written. It isn't a funny story - it is a horror story, but I think it is hilarious because it really isn't that scary.

Here's to Texas and all it has to offer. Maybe another trip to the Alamo, where I can replace that picture of my dad and I there back in 1981.

Holes

no, not the movie - but i do recommend it. it is a little "g" but that doesn't mean it can't be good.

i have been on a long journey out of a large hole (it's depression, just so we are all on the same page - didn't want anyone feeling left out because they couldn't pick up my analogy). it was really more deep than big. the hole is only big enough for me and it is a place i can be alone and wallow in all sorts of self "stuff". you know, self doubt, self loathing, selfishness, self pity, the list continues (all starting with the word "self"). i first realized i needed to get out of that hole was when i couldn't even see the top, things were too dark (i will let you deduce on your own what "too dark" encompasses). i couldn't see any light, not even a pin prick worth. over time i found myself closer and closer to the top. i could see more and more light. at one point i was so close to the top i could see things outside of the hole. birds in the sky, the grass on the edge of the hole, i think there was even a tree branch in the view. today i find myself standing on the edge of the hole. you might say "yea! great job kate!" but you would be wrong in saying that. because the fact is, i have been out of the hole awhile, and was walking away from it. today i find myself walking back to the hole, back at the edge of it looking down into it. thinking, maybe the dark wasn't so bad. out here i need sunglasses, the grass needs to be cut, and there are people out here that want to interact on a real level.

More Quotes

More quotes . . . it's a library book due in less than a week so I have to get it all in by then.

"I have harbored hate of the Lord in my heart. Every man or woman who loves Him, they hate Him too, because He's a hard God, a jealous God, He Is, what He Is, and in this world He's apt to repay service with pain while those who do evil ride over the roads in Cadillac cars. Even the joy of serving Him is a bitter joy. I do His will, but the human part o me has cursed Him in my heart." - Abby, The Stand by Stephen King.

Ostrich

The problem is, I can't stick my head in the sand on this one. I have to make a stand, and for me standing is the hardest part.