Problem

I have a problem . . . ok, I have a lot of problems. I chose to address one right now. I have an anger problem. I don't think it is minor, I think it is big. The anger leads to a few other problems, such as yelling and throwing. These are both things I don't want to do. So, "Don't do them," you say.

Today I threw a chess set. Not a large one, not a breakable one, but a chess set none-the-less. Did it brake something? No. Did I throw it at someone? No. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Given the same opportunity would I do it again? No. Some days I throw pillows, some days it is a rock, others it might be a pencil or a box. The questions are not what I throw, but why. And I don't know why.

Today I yelled at my friend at work (it isn't new, I yell at him a lot). Sometimes I yell at him and it isn't even about anything he did, it is about something someone else did. Did I cuss? I don't remember. Was I mean? I don't think so. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Given the same opportunity would I do it again? No.

Today at counseling I yelled at my counselor. She was pushing an issue that isn't an issue. No matter how many times I told her it wasn't an issue, she would just ask the question a different way. When I say it wasn't an issue, I don't mean it is an issue and I was covering . . . there is no issue, and I just want this conversation to go away (because she has been trying to make it into an issue for months). So I went ape poo and told her to leave it alone, if I was numb to it then I was so numb that I won't feel it today and she needed to get onto another issue that I'm not numb about. The second my mouth was closed I felt like crap. I apologized and then burst into tears.

My anger. I get it so bottled up inside that I explode. I take so much before it all comes out, and I leave a path of destruction behind. I'm not thinking, it just happens. It is me, un-filtered and un-restrained. But how do I stop it? How do I let things go? People tell me to just let it go, I was never taught that. I was never taught how to be angry. I was told, "don't". Don't be angry, don't be sad, don't. For all the good things my mom and dad taught me, they never helped me learn to release anger appropriately, or let it go. I was told it was silly, or I shouldn't be. Well deal with it - I'm angry. So instead of telling me I am silly for being angry, or the reasons why I shouldn't be - teach me how to work through it. To feel it, to express it, to move from it. To see the root of the anger and deal with it. Anger is a secondary reaction fed by hurt, or embarrassment, or pain. Teach me to see that, to deal with that.

So now what? I still throw and I still yell. I don't want to. There are things in my life that I don't want there. I don't want to give excuses for it. I just want to stop, but I don't know how.