two parts

i missed you again, or maybe it was just the idea of you that i missed. sometimes it is hard to tell those two things apart.

and the rest of you - i will give a full report of my weekend as soon as i remember to remember.

Gifts

Have you ever stopped to think about the things in life that you have that you don't deserve. There is no way in heaven or on earth that you should be allowed to have them. You didn't do anything special to get them, they just happened to exist in your life and their is no explanation for them. I am holding in my hand evidence of such a thing. It is a book. The book itself is not what I don't deserve, it is all that book represents.

I guess that is all I really have to say about it. It is cryptic and no one knows what I am talking about. But look for those things in your life. Those things that blindside you on some idle Tuesday. When you notice them, you see yourself and others in a new light - even if it is only for a little while. I am glad that I have such things that I didn't earn, because it makes me want to live up to them; making me a better person.

Anyway. Just saw Night At The Museum. Nothing extraordinary about it. Nothing that takes some time to figure out and find the deeper meaning. Just a movie with a conflict, climax, and resolution. Some of the highlights:
Ricky Gervais . . . better in the Office, but small humorous part.
Dick Van Dyke . . . kicking ass and taking names.
Hearing Ben Stiller having a heart to heart with Attilla the Hun.

it is written

i feel like it is written on every line of my face . . .
in the tone of my voice . . .
and every word that i type.

Hunger

Have you ever felt hungry for something but you just can't put your finger on what it is exactly? Maybe I'm the only one. But right now I don't really feel hungry, I just want something that I can't pinpoint. And I don't really want to eat until I figure out what I want - because that would just be a waste of space in my stomach. What if I can't figure it out for a week? That would be unfortunate. Maybe I will never figure it out, but just forget - then I can eat normally. I can say this: I'm tired of macaroni and cheese. After 4 months I'm finally tired of it.

I feel warn out physically, mentally, and spiritually. Just drained - and I don't know how to re-charge. I started to feel that way last week, but I got a re-charge in on Saturday. Spent some time with some really great people. The best part was "working" in the backyard. I say working in quotes - because it was playing, not working - but somewhere in there was a purpose. The purpose for one was to make something incredible, the purpose for me was to be a part of something incredible. And of course I got to watch the best movie ever Moulin Rouge - charging accomplished. But ever since the clock struck 12:01 on 2007 it has been pretty much down hill from there, and I don't know how to stop it.

Could the two trains of thought be related? Are they on the same track headed toward one another making for a messy collision?

Another one

Another parent of a good friend died today. And again, I didn't know the actual person - just the people they have influenced in their life. It is a weird feeling when you are sad for the death of a person you don't know. More than anything I am sad for the loss my friend is dealing with. I'm sad because I can't be there for them. I'm just sad. Then I think of all the other people I know who have lost loved ones over the past couple of years, and my heart hurts for them.

That all sounds stupid.

Happy New Year

Every New Year's Eve since I graduated from High School I have spent at home watching movies. A lot of movies. I go to the video rental place and get movies I have never seen (rather than go to my video shelf). I watch from about 7 until around 2. That has been my New Year's tradition. Until last year when I went to a party. Last night I also decided to go to a party. It is the socially acceptable thing to do I suppose. Well I realized last night - I wish I had never broken my tradition. It wasn't the people, they were great. I had some really good conversations - I even talked about life with someone that I rarely see and hardly know . . . and it was a great talk. I talked about writing with my friend that wants to be a writer (and me a secret want to be writer). I talked about new engagements, new arrangements, and new experiences for a new year. But I couldn't make it last. I left by 11:30. Partly, I wasn't feeling that great, partly I just couldn't be social anymore. I found myself wanting that movie night, and realized that is what was wrong last year (I couldn't quite put a finger on what was bothering me last year). Being too much like my dad I made my exit. When my dad decides he doesn't want to be somewhere, or act a certain way - he doesn't. And no matter how much people tell him he just needs to stop and go with the group, he can't do it. And neither can I. I knew if I stayed much longer I would start getting bitchy, and that would just make life for those around me less fun. So, God willing and the creek doesn't rise and I'm alive next year for the New Year's celebration, I will be where I fit best on that night. On the couch, strategically placed for best movie viewing, watching movies. I guess I would miss out on those conversations, but wouldn't I eventually have them?

No resolutions. I think they are dumb. They have a negative connotation, so if you don't follow through you have somehow failed. Well I say just live your life. If you see a place to make a change, then start down that road of change and take it where it leads - bumpy, winding, hilly, treacherous, whatever - you can handle it. You might get off the path for awhile, but it's still there. And you will come out on the other side changed a little. Maybe a little bruised, but better.

I really wanted to smoke all last week. I hate that.