two parts

i missed you again, or maybe it was just the idea of you that i missed. sometimes it is hard to tell those two things apart.

and the rest of you - i will give a full report of my weekend as soon as i remember to remember.

Gifts

Have you ever stopped to think about the things in life that you have that you don't deserve. There is no way in heaven or on earth that you should be allowed to have them. You didn't do anything special to get them, they just happened to exist in your life and their is no explanation for them. I am holding in my hand evidence of such a thing. It is a book. The book itself is not what I don't deserve, it is all that book represents.

I guess that is all I really have to say about it. It is cryptic and no one knows what I am talking about. But look for those things in your life. Those things that blindside you on some idle Tuesday. When you notice them, you see yourself and others in a new light - even if it is only for a little while. I am glad that I have such things that I didn't earn, because it makes me want to live up to them; making me a better person.

Anyway. Just saw Night At The Museum. Nothing extraordinary about it. Nothing that takes some time to figure out and find the deeper meaning. Just a movie with a conflict, climax, and resolution. Some of the highlights:
Ricky Gervais . . . better in the Office, but small humorous part.
Dick Van Dyke . . . kicking ass and taking names.
Hearing Ben Stiller having a heart to heart with Attilla the Hun.

it is written

i feel like it is written on every line of my face . . .
in the tone of my voice . . .
and every word that i type.

Hunger

Have you ever felt hungry for something but you just can't put your finger on what it is exactly? Maybe I'm the only one. But right now I don't really feel hungry, I just want something that I can't pinpoint. And I don't really want to eat until I figure out what I want - because that would just be a waste of space in my stomach. What if I can't figure it out for a week? That would be unfortunate. Maybe I will never figure it out, but just forget - then I can eat normally. I can say this: I'm tired of macaroni and cheese. After 4 months I'm finally tired of it.

I feel warn out physically, mentally, and spiritually. Just drained - and I don't know how to re-charge. I started to feel that way last week, but I got a re-charge in on Saturday. Spent some time with some really great people. The best part was "working" in the backyard. I say working in quotes - because it was playing, not working - but somewhere in there was a purpose. The purpose for one was to make something incredible, the purpose for me was to be a part of something incredible. And of course I got to watch the best movie ever Moulin Rouge - charging accomplished. But ever since the clock struck 12:01 on 2007 it has been pretty much down hill from there, and I don't know how to stop it.

Could the two trains of thought be related? Are they on the same track headed toward one another making for a messy collision?

Another one

Another parent of a good friend died today. And again, I didn't know the actual person - just the people they have influenced in their life. It is a weird feeling when you are sad for the death of a person you don't know. More than anything I am sad for the loss my friend is dealing with. I'm sad because I can't be there for them. I'm just sad. Then I think of all the other people I know who have lost loved ones over the past couple of years, and my heart hurts for them.

That all sounds stupid.

Happy New Year

Every New Year's Eve since I graduated from High School I have spent at home watching movies. A lot of movies. I go to the video rental place and get movies I have never seen (rather than go to my video shelf). I watch from about 7 until around 2. That has been my New Year's tradition. Until last year when I went to a party. Last night I also decided to go to a party. It is the socially acceptable thing to do I suppose. Well I realized last night - I wish I had never broken my tradition. It wasn't the people, they were great. I had some really good conversations - I even talked about life with someone that I rarely see and hardly know . . . and it was a great talk. I talked about writing with my friend that wants to be a writer (and me a secret want to be writer). I talked about new engagements, new arrangements, and new experiences for a new year. But I couldn't make it last. I left by 11:30. Partly, I wasn't feeling that great, partly I just couldn't be social anymore. I found myself wanting that movie night, and realized that is what was wrong last year (I couldn't quite put a finger on what was bothering me last year). Being too much like my dad I made my exit. When my dad decides he doesn't want to be somewhere, or act a certain way - he doesn't. And no matter how much people tell him he just needs to stop and go with the group, he can't do it. And neither can I. I knew if I stayed much longer I would start getting bitchy, and that would just make life for those around me less fun. So, God willing and the creek doesn't rise and I'm alive next year for the New Year's celebration, I will be where I fit best on that night. On the couch, strategically placed for best movie viewing, watching movies. I guess I would miss out on those conversations, but wouldn't I eventually have them?

No resolutions. I think they are dumb. They have a negative connotation, so if you don't follow through you have somehow failed. Well I say just live your life. If you see a place to make a change, then start down that road of change and take it where it leads - bumpy, winding, hilly, treacherous, whatever - you can handle it. You might get off the path for awhile, but it's still there. And you will come out on the other side changed a little. Maybe a little bruised, but better.

I really wanted to smoke all last week. I hate that.

Fortune Cookies

Last nights fortune:
Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time!

If you play the little game we Americans have given to this profound cookie - it makes for one hilarious, all be it embarrassing fortune to share.

Thinking Outside The Box

It is a nondescript box really. The size of a DVD case (wait, it is a DVD case). It is a plain case, but what strikes you the most when you look at it is "YELLOW". Seriously, that is the first thing I see and the first word that pops into my head: "YELLOW". The writing is very simple, but the simplicity of it speaks volumes. The next thing I notice are running people and a large VW bus. If you haven't guessed it already, it is the Little Miss Sunshine DVD. Chistmas isn't technically here yet, so I can't make a proper judgment, but so far it is my favorite gift (sorry).

I have found one of two things associated with people who watch this movie.

1. It is pretty good. Funny, glad I saw it, but I only needed the one time

OR

2. I watched it. Went out the next weekend and watched it again. Wanted to go see it again, but didn't because I was with people who had already seen it 4 times. Watched it at the $2.00 theatre before it finally left the big screen. Then ran out and bought it at midnight on Monday December 18th.

I'm more of the #2 variety. I saw it 3 times in the theatre paying more to watch it there than the DVD costs. I decided to wait and buy it after Christmas, because I knew I could count on the Best Buy gift card from my boss, or a friend knowing my addiction and totally willing to feed said addiction. I was correct.

I don't really know what it is about this movie. What captured me about it. I think it was probably Abigail Breslin (Olive) or Steve Carell . . . possibly Greg Kinnear. Whatever, it doesn't matter. This movie is all about every character dealing with disappointment, and how each of them dealt with it. How it is ok to get excited about things, and how much that excitement can effect people around you. And it is OK to want something really bad, but it is also OK to have it not happen. I think in the end that is what I struggle with the most in my life. I don't want because I don't want the disappointment. But in the end - I will move on out of that place of disappointment (if there is any), so it is OK to get excited about some things.

Muddled description of my feelings, but my feelings are always a little muddled.

Fourteen

I have 14 months of blogs. 14! In those 14 months I haven't really actually said anything. Sure there are a few that might have been good, had some meaning, or were insightful - but not many. Most days I wonder why I have a blog at all. When asked why I blog, I usually just shrug my shoulders. It has just become a whining place, one of the many whining places I have build over the years. You would think I could just whine one place, and leave everyone else alone. But no, I whine on the phone to my mom, whine to my ex-door neighbor at work, whine to my counselor, whine to my small group, whine to my dog. I should grow up already and just take life as it comes and shut the hell up.

On another note: why do crappy things always happen to the nice people? Not one jerk I know is having a hard time in life. And every kind person I know is having a rough go of things.

Spiral

it is strange, i step onto a downward spiral - almost by accident, and in no time flat i am sliding down. so fast that i didn't even remember getting in line for the ride. and like a fun corkscrew water slide, i can't stop. no matter how hard i try to stop myself i can't do it. i only stop at the bottom of the slide. sometimes i feel like there are people on the slide with me at the same time, or on the slide next to me. sometimes i wonder if we just happened to get on the slide at the same time, or if i accidentally pulled them in with me.

Blah

Wow I'm irritable today.

Heat Wave

Man, it is like a heat wave around here. I think it is warmer outside than the temperature is set in the house.

Work: Vastly different than this time last year. I have been working on a new drawing program to put our designs into 3D with minimal amount of work (as opposed to Auto CAD). Man, I find myself starting and not moving until someone makes me. Good, because I am actually working. Bad, because I hurt later - my back, my eyes, my head. I keep pushing myself to get better and faster so it can be a useful tool rather than something I know how to do and it rarely gets done because I am not fast enough at it to squeeze it all into my day. WOW long sentence. Today I needed a Sketch Up break, so I worked on some office awards (Dundies, if you will). I had to find pictures that related to the award. Not easy when the award names are really obscure like Best Man Hour Ratio. You can't exactly type that into Google images and have some funny picture pop up. I enlisted the help of NAD and went to work. He is much better at finding stuff than I am. Maybe more patient is the word I'm looking for. Every time I would get mad about it all he would calm me down.

Home: Kind of boring. I like it that way sometimes. Boring can get lonely though. Christmas shopping, wrapping, and avoiding is key this year. Well just like every year. I try to avoid Christmas if I can. I thought I was 90% done with the shopping . . . only to realize I was closer to 43%. Blah. Those on the new list are those that I have no idea what to buy for them.
Seem to be over boy problems, at least for now. I can feel another one coming up. I feel bad for those around me on a daily basis because they have to hear me cry about it. Maybe I'm not as ready for this whole dating thing like I thought. Part of me feels like I will settle, and I don't want to. The other part of me feels like I am being to high strung about this, and don't want that either. Is there a middle spot? If so, I don't have any idea what that looks like.

I guess that is all I know. I don't have anything profound to say - but when has that ever really been the case that I did?

Later.

Or worse

Or worse. What if it is her that wakes up one day and doesn't love. Then what will she do?

It could happen

She could meet the most incredible guy tomorrow. Someone that would truly sweep her off her feet. He would love her well. Treat her respectfully, kindly, lovingly. He would prove every thought that she has about relationships wrong. But somewhere in the back of her mind she would wonder. What day will he wake up and decide he doesn't love her any more? Will it be tomorrow? Will it be next year? Will they be married for 20 years with 2.5 kids and it will happen? Or worse, would it happens early in the marriage, and they don't get divorced but they live a loveless co-existence together for the rest of their lives?

I don't know

I don't know what to do. If I stay quiet, it could hurt more. If I talk I run the risk of a fight. I was never good at this relationship stuff. Maybe that is why I have shied away from them. I hate this part, the knowing that I am going to hurt someone's feelings, and it isn't their fault - it's just how it is. I feel like such a jerk. I'm sure after tonight I will have more words, good or bad, I don't know. Maybe I won't have any more words but these - I don't feel like a nice person.

Beware the Ides of March!

Ok, so it isn't March 15th . . . it isn't even close to March - but the modern day soothsayers (weather forecasters) have been screaming all week about this winter storm coming our way. It is headed straight for us! Get all your milk, bread, and eggs! Buy gas! Get your emergency cold weather kit together! The sky is falling!

THE SKY IS F-A-L-L-I-N-G!!!

Yesterday it was about 70 outside. People were walking around in shorts. Unfortunately I needed groceries. I hate grocery shopping and hadn't bought any food in about a month. I live off the generosity of others (a.k.a. I'm a moocher), so I didn't need to buy much lately. I decided I needed to buy some food of my own, and attempt to buy some things to put a dent in the pay back of others for their kindness to me. Well my attempt at taking care of my self and the needs of some others happened to coincide with the soothsayer warning that the sky would be falling, and so I fought the people at the store and stood in line with the worriers. I thought it was funny that the "winter storm of the century" was coming and we were all in line in shorts. I just laughed to myself (I do that - shut up).

Darkness fell and so did the temperature . . . and soon the rain. As of right now the rain is still falling, but still no ice or snow. I didn't, however, go to work. Why? Because I work off some of the craziest roads known to man. This morning I could get there, but temperatures hovering at 32 could cause said roads to ice over, leaving me trapped down there. That wouldn't have been half bad if a few other people from work had gone in, but they didn't - so here I sit. I'm sure they are right. In about an hour we will get sleet, and the road will freeze over. I will be glad I am at home where I can watch movies, catch up on my email, letters, blogging, and thinking I haven't been doing over the last month or two. I did bring some work home with me, but the computer program I use is really slow on my home computer. Probably because it is a million years old, and runs about as fast as I do.

As I sit here and await the end of the world (thanks Dave Murray), I can't help but see that I haven't updated here since November 5th. I feel like not much has happened since then. But I will review anyway. I will put the main thought in bold so that you can skim the major points and not be bogged down with the minor ones. So you can move quickly though this incredibly long blog, or take it all in like a good movie.

1. I met someone new, and am now thinking about letting them go. So I met a boy and we went out a few times. Thanksgiving hit and I haven't really talked to him much, and I don't really miss it. So, what does that mean? He is a nice person, but I just don't feel anything more than "Wow, nice guy." I feel kind of shallow about it, I mean I like a few other people, but we have been friends for a few years. They (to my knowledge) don't like me back. So now that there is someone new who likes me, why don't I like them? Is it because I haven't known him for a year? I don't really know what to think, or what to do. We were suppose to go out tonight, but the place closed due to impending weather (dang you weather channel). I was going to use tonight as a gage, the one last attempt for me to get a good look at this person and the potential. Now he wants to hang out this weekend instead - and I don't really want to spend that kind of time. I would much rather go sledding (if that snow you have been promising me shows up DAVE) and not really think about relationships.

2. I finally saw an old friend for who they really are. I have a friend that I have known for ever, or at least it feels like forever. Lets get a few things out of the way. Yes, it is a boy and I did like him . . . a lot. We kept going back and forth about what our future held. We could never get quite lined up just right. I could never put my finger on why. Sure we lived far from one another, but I figured we would work that out soon enough. I use to think it was because we were both selfish and neither one of us wanted to move from where we were. Come to find out, he is just a jerk and wants me to change everything to meet him, instead of meeting me half way. He kept harping on me to do this or that, or not do this or that. That is fine if they are annoying traits that I have, like I don't brush my teeth or shower, but these were things that have been a part of who I am since I was born. Things that don't make me a bad person, just annoying to him. But when confronted about the harmful things he was doing to himself and to me, it was just glossed over. So, I think that is done. And done for good. I have feel that it has been done before. But those times I felt such conflict about it. One part of me wanting to change to be with him, and the other part holding firm. This time I feel great about it, with 100% of my being refusing to be treated the way he has been treating me. I had two dreams the morning before I was suppose to hang out with him, they both had to do with the fact that I couldn't see clearly. That night I could see clearly for the first time when it came to him and me. And it is awesome.

3. I think I might just be better. I have been going to counseling for a little over a year now. Not the first time I have ever gone, may not be the last. But for this round anyway, I feel good. For awhile I didn't want to go because I started to hate all the scrutiny. But slowly I have started to feel like not going because I don't have anything to talk about. When I search deep down and inside out I don't see anything that is a hindrance. Sure, my past influences who I am today, and what I do - but I think I can recognize it, and work through it now, instead of getting bogged down by it all like I was before.

4. Stranger Than Fiction is a must see. I never reviewed Little Miss Sunshine (3 viewings and counting), and I'm not going to review Stranger Than Fiction (just the one viewing). BUT I will say that they are both excellent movies, probably two of the best I have seen all year. Both well done, thought provoking, and all around great movies. If you haven't seen any of them please go. I will pay for your tickets if you can't afford it, or I will run an errand for you if it is causing you to not see these movies.

5. Save the cheerleader, save the world. I now know what that sentence means. It is so clear now, even if the rest is a little bit sketchy. I have fallen victim to Heroes. I went into it kicking and screaming. Vowing never to get caught up in another television show. I was doing well, with The Office as my only vice I had left. I had put all the others behind me and was well on my way to being TV free. Dang you NBC and your new show Heroes. Now I am hooked and people know where to find me on Tuesday nights (It comes on Mondays, but I can't watch it, so I am watching the DVD on Tuesdays).

6. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. That's right, the verdict is in. I'm all those things and more. I would like to take this time and say it isn't pride that I say those things, it is humility. For too long I have pushed off complements, and encouragement, only because I didn't think I was any of what they were saying. But you know what, that only ends up making relationships harder. SO - sorry everyone, I'm working on it.

7. The guitar is my enemy. Ok, so it really isn't the enemy, my desire to play it is (remember desire is the enemy). I sat down to start again, destined to be the next Kate York, or Harold Click, or just a version of me who could play - and I broke a string. Not a big deal, but it is to someone who doesn't take the time to shop . . . for anything, and for a person who doesn't fully get how to string a guitar. I have strung this one once or twice, but I'm not that good at it. So, two weeks later, and I still have now string and haven't taken the time to go get one.

8. Daniel Craig is as good of a James Bond as I thought . . . better even. I heard your collective groan when Daniel Craig was announced as the next James Bond. I heard you all say he is too little, too un-cut, too blond. Well eat your words, I think Casino Royale is one of the best Bond movies in a long time. I will not say it is the best, I will just sit in my corner and think it to myself. The movie, overall, did a good job explaining a few things about the character of James Bond. Why he is how he is, and does what he does. Thumbs up for good character development, something really lacking in the Bond movies in general.

9. Poor Katie. Poor Katie Holmes didn't get quite free from the clutches of the menacing Dr. Evil (a.k.a. Tom Cruise). My Free Katie sticker and shirt didn't garner the respect they should have and we as a nation should be ashamed that we didn't step in and stop this abomination. I will sheepishly admit I did watch MI3 and liked it, let the public flogging commence.

10. I don't know when I will blog again. It may be later today, it may be tomorrow, it may be next week. I will try to think of things to say more often, just to protect you all from more entries like these that take me an hour to write and you all 30 minutes to wade through.

Crazy Talk

If you feel the compulsion to say "I'm not crazy." You probably are. I felt that compulsion today and then I realized by saying that it was just putting the last nail into the coffin of me actually being sane.

Responsibility

"Flying by myself in a tiny aircraft over lonely woods. I have no one to blame if I make a bad judgement, and the laws of physics won't listen to my excuses. What would my life be like if I always had to take full responsibility?" - Mark Olson

It

is this it? am i done? does it matter? would you notice?

Its Official

I am officially depressed. And it couldn't have come at a worse time.