Rain Of Rocks

I know that in all good writing you need to make the reader feel like they are there. Give them sights and sounds and smells. I want to put you there with me as I tell this story - but I worry that putting you there with all the sights and smells and sounds might take a lot of words that would just muddle it up. So forgive me if I can't "put you there" and only just give you a glimpse.

We are all familiar with the sound of a bat hitting a ball. The crisp sound that is made when there is good contact. As an Indians fan, I am not as familiar with that sound as . . . say a Cardinals fan. But have you ever heard the sound of a bat hitting a rock. The sweet sound of the contact with a rock is far better than the sound of the ball. Maybe it is because when you are hitting a ball it is about hitting it out of the ball park, it is all about the ball. But with a rock it is about getting something out of yourself, it isn't about the rock at all. Talk to other rock hitters and they will tell you the same thing. It is about emotion rather than distance. It is about the sound of the rock, rather than the roar of the crowd. It is about the damage you cause that brings about some sense of healing. Ok, maybe it is about all of those things for just me and not other rock hitters, but just go with me on this. Today happened to be a rock hitting day. Don't ask me what constitutes a rock hitting day - maybe it was the week of tornadoes, maybe it was just that day based on the tilt of the earth on it's axis and how close it came to Pluto last week, who knows, it just was . . . "So be it." I watch as another rock hitter takes his turn. I listen to the crack of the bat and the rock, that moment when they make their destructive, yet healing union. I listen for the sound the rock makes as it flies through the air (I have heard some incredible noises in those flights), the impact on a tree or down into the creek. The temperature is perfect, the air has a slight breeze with the smell of wisteria. We are not bothered here when we hit rocks, people never hassle us. They usually laugh and start watching. Another crack, a good flight and a leafy finish by my fellow batter and it is my turn (I know it is my turn, because you have to end on a good note, and I can think of no better note to end on than that one). I hit a few, I miss a few, but it doesn't matter. I set myself up for another . . . good rock choice . . . nice stance. I toss it up and CRACK! The rest seemed to happen in slow motion. I made sweet contact, but instead of making a noise as it flew through the air it shattered into pieces, what came next was the most awesome 2 seconds. The main rock piece hit a tree splitting it again. Then the noise of rocks as they rained down from the sky. The pieces I made fell hitting leaves, branches, and the ground in the most beautiful symphony I have heard in a long time. I stood there for almost a minute just mesmerized by it - a smile bigger than any smile I have had on my face in a month came out. That is the way to end a rock hitting day.

I never said it would be a good story, but it does say something. I don't smile much anymore, but rock hitting makes me smile, that is why I keep doing it. Having chunks come out of my bat makes me happy. Knowing that in about a month I will have to buy a new bat because this one will no longer be usable makes me ecstatic. With each rock hit, each chunk taken out of the bat, I lose a bit of the hardness on my heart, the wall I have built around me, and the facade I have made to show others. You may think hitting rocks is juvenile, but for me it is more than that.

Handi-Snacks

Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that the Handi-Snacks are excited to be eaten. I mean the cracker is even spreading cheese on itself. Kraft - don't put faces on my food. A cow had a face, so did the chicken - but I have come to terms with that. But giving them a smiling cartoon face that says, "eat me," is kind of sketchy. Give them a icon of some sort, the Tiger works for Frosted Flakes, the Captain works, the leprechaun works - why not do that for these guys. I am also picking up a racial vibe here - anyone, anyone.

Maybe it is just me, but when I saw a cracker spreading cheese on itself in the store it made me want to run the other way, not buy the product.

Tornados

I have been having a lot of dreams with tornados in them. I am from Oklahoma where we don't run short of those . . . none of these dreams occur in Oklahoma. They occur in St. Louis or Arizona (there have been at least 2 there). In these dreams I am not just in them, but I am at a vantage point to watch them develop, watch as the clouds come together and form the funnel in the sky and touch down. There is usually more than one and I am either somewhere safe, or wake up by the time it would have hit where I am. When I had one, I thought it was just something interesting. When I had a second, I was still awed by it. By my 5th or 6th one I am totally freaked about it. I am not scared of tornados. I know that if one is coming get to safety. I know that is not a guarantee that I will be ok, but I know it is the best thing I have. But the reality is tornados are chaos. The vary nature of them is chaotic. When I dig deeper I know that I feel like my life is chaos - remember the chair in the coffee shop: The truth is - living in total chaos is fun - it's thinking about it that stinks! So when I am asked to think about it (say in a couch situation) I don't really know what to say. It is ingrained in me, it is who I am, it is what it is, and I don't know how to stop it. But why is it there? I woke up with the answer today (it also answers the age old questions of why I am angry and feel guilt all the time).

When I was little my parents divorced. I know that I couldn't really understand it or process it. One decision changed the course of my life forever, changed the way it would be lived, and changed the way I would look at life - forever. I realized this week that I was (and still am) mad at my dad. Neither of these I really knew, they just escaped my attention because I was too busy being mad at myself (guilt) for some reason or another. I can't really explain why I am mad at him - probably because I feel like he didn't try to keep us all together. Who knows why I was mad as a little girl - probably because I didn't understand why he wasn't there, really anyone's best guess. When you have anger that you can't explain, at people you love with all your heart - I think you start to feel guilt. Because you are so mad that you could spit but you don't know why. Their in lies confusion and guilt, and then comes being mad at yourself for being mad at someone you don't have a reason for. And after a few years years of that you get chaos. You forget who you were mad with in the first place, but the other feelings remain because you didn't resolve any of them. I was told once that I feel comfortable in the guilt. They were right. It is what I know. I make my life chaos, because it is what I know. If there isn't some sort of conflict in my life I think I would be lost.

I think I could keep talking, but I am sure you all get the picture.

Day 7

Exodus 4:1-5
Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, `The LORD did not appear to you'?" Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?"
"A staff," he replied.
The LORD said, "Throw it on the ground."
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it.
Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand.
"This," said the LORD, "is so that they may believe that the LORD, the God of their fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has appeared to you."

God put forth a plan for Moses' life, a plan that Moses didn't have for his own life. Moses questioned God and God's plan for his life just like I do. Just like me - he thought God must have been crazy. How could God use me, a person who has messed up over an over. A person who has spit in his face a number of times by my actions of sin, mistrust, control, and unbelief.

"Perhaps God was giving Moses a vivid picture of how the things we fear - the memories and doubts that poison our future, that lie between us and where God wants us to go - need to be confronted head-on. Perhaps God was helping Moses understand the deep guilt, forgotten hopes, and lost dreams of the past can be either a snake on the ground intimidating you or, through his power and grace, a rod in the hand." - Robbins, Enjoy The Silence

"God is nearer to us than we are to ourselves." - Paul Tillich

Day 6

John 13:1-5, 23
Not really sure exactly how the verses fit in with the whole idea, so if you want to read them go find that Bible you put somewhere a year ago and read it.

What would it be like to have God hold you. To have him actually take you in his arms. What would you feel?
I don't know if I can answer this question really. A question that I kind of made up - well I took a bunch of other questions in the book to make this one simpler one. I am not a fan of people putting in conversations they had on IM, but here is how I feel about God, taken from a conversation I had about a week ago (slightly condensed). It started off with me talking about dating relationships and evolved into some stuff about God:

ME: but in the end i know that right now if anyone showed any interest i would freak out and run the other direction
NAD: well it's good you know yourself, but do you know why?
Me: yes
NAD: now it's just your deal whether to change that reason or not
Me: because that would mean that someone thinks that i am special, or worth it, and right now i don't feel either. and it would freak me out that someone would think that.
NAD: sometimes you just have to accept God's wisdom or choices or ways, don't you get that by now?
Me: obviously not
NAD: well it's best not to go kickin Him in the face when He sends you gifts, better learn to say thank you
Me: i'm a kicker, hitter, and spitter when it comes to God
NAD: well you know where you stand there
Me: oh yeah, and sand thrower into the eyes
NAD: well, the sand throwing goes without saying
Me: that one is my favorite one
NAD: funny is he still likes ya. so how come you don't just say thank you?
Me: I don't think i deserve it, constantly running.
NAD: so back to this, if you know He gave you all these gifts, and some people recognize them and think you're funny or brilliant or babeish or smart, why don't you say thank you instead of running? you think He likes the sand?

It isn't that I don't love God, don't get me wrong on that point. The point is that I don't know how to love him, because in the end I don't trust that he really loves me. So I fight. If God took me in a hug I would freak. I would question it all. Every hug I have by a non family member I wonder is it over, did I hug too long, not long enough, was it suppose to be a side hug, was it not suppose to be a side hug, is this awkward for them . . . on and on with the questions. I think it would be the same for me and God, only I wouldn't have those questions I would have others. Does he really know what he is doing, doesn't he know where I have been, doesn't he remember that I just kicked him in the shin before he hugged me. The thing is, I kicked him in the shin and it made him want to hug me even more. If I let him hug me I know I would push at first, wonder when it would be over. But in the end I would have my ear to his chest (because I am guessing he is a tall guy and I wouldn't be tall enough to have my head on his shoulder) and I could hear his heart and I would hear that no matter how many times I kicked him, how many times I threw sand in his face or pushed him away - he still loved me. Loves me so much that it huts him to see me hurt, it hurts him so much that he made the ultimate sacrifice. I still don't get why, but maybe I can start believing that it is true, and maybe trust . . . just a little.

"Baby steps through the office. Baby steps down the hall. Baby steps onto the elevator." - Bob

Soap

What is with Oklahoma? NO FOAMING SOAP . . . anywhere I went. Here, it is everywhere - I should have taken mine, I knew better than to trust them.

Day 5 - that's right.

Psalm 23:1-6
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. ~ Supply
He makes me lie down in green pastures, ~ Rest
he leads me beside quiet waters, ~ Refreshment
he restores my soul. ~ Healing
He guides me in paths of righteousness ~ Guidance
for his name's sake. ~ Purpose
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, ~ Challenge
I will fear no evil, ~ Assurance
for you are with me; ~ Faithfulness
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ~ Comfort
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. ~ Abundance
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, ~ Blessing
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Security

None of these words are mine.

Need

I'm in desperate need of a hug . . . and in about 30 hours I will get one. Let the count down begin.

Day 3

Isaiah 6:1-8
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

When face to face with God the first thing out of Isaiah's mouth is "woe to me." By the end of this encounter he is saying "send me." The transformation from woe to me to send me was painful for Isaiah. The angel used a hot coal and touched it to his mouth. I don't know about you, but my idea of a good time is not putting a coal to my mouth. Usually a good time for me includes doing anything I can to stay away from hot things, even spicy foods. It is painful to change, it is painful when God changes you. To go from what is comfortable - no matter how harmful - to the unknown. I think that is what I struggle with the most. Not change, but the unknown . . . even when the place where I am comfortable is damaging to me. I built me a few walls, put down some carpet, got a Lazy Boy, and started hanging out inside that room. I don't let people in, and I rarely come out. It is comfortable, but not healthy. Over the last few months I have been going out more, letting a few people inside (even if it is only for a few minutes), and trying to make my best effort to make that change. I don't really know what my life will look like on the other side - but I do know that trip is painful. The pain comes from the past, from the moving of muscles I have never really used (like my heart), from the worry of the unknown, and from the burning away of things that held me back.

Day 2

Jeremiah 31:16-25
This is what the LORD says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded," declares the LORD. "They will return from the land of the enemy.
So there is hope for your future," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land.
"I have surely heard Ephraim's moaning: `You disciplined me like an unruly calf, and I have been disciplined. Restore me, and I will return, because you are the LORD my God.
After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.'
Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD.
"Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns.
How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The LORD will create a new thing on earth-- a woman will surround a man."
This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "When I bring them back from captivity, the people in the land of Judah and in its towns will once again use these words: `The LORD bless you, O righteous dwelling, O sacred mountain.' People will live together in Judah and all its towns--farmers and those who move about with their flocks. I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

There is so much here, I am not sure how the page can contain it. Well so much here for me anyway.

• V17 - "So there is hope for your future", declares the Lord. ~ Many times I feel like there is no hope for my future. I look forward and I see good things, but I also see many road blocks, or see destruction. Why don't I believe God when he tells me there is hope for my future - shouldn't he already know the truth about my future, and if there is hope there he would tell me, if there wasn't he wouldn't tell me so. I know this verse wasn't written specifically "for me," but in a way it was. So if there was no hope, wouldn't he say "you are all sinners, there is no hope, thank you."
• V19 - After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I bean my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth. ~ That IS me. That is exactly my life. I strayed, I repented, and then when I truly understood the ramifications I felt like crap.
• V20 - Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD." ~ God has compassion for me, no matter what I have done. His thoughts are still for me.
• V21 - Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns. ~ How is God leading me back? Am I willing to follow the road signs. When I ask God what is next, or if this is right or wrong I ask for big signs, neon lights, because I don't catch the subtlety of things. I ask for signs and I get them, why don't I follow the road? It seems too hard.
• V22 - How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? ~ I don't know.

Tonight before reading this I told someone I just felt lost. I felt lost in life. Like I was missing some key to the map of my life. I was talking about relationships, things I feel like I missed out on by not watching my parents relate to one another. Who am I going to talk to if I get married about married life things? (getting off subject, I know, but bringing it around I promise) But what I am really saying is I don't have an example, or a trial and error about how to make it work to model for me. It makes me feel lost. Like I don't even know how marriage or relationships all work. But the reality is, it extends to the rest of my life in many ways. After my parents divorced everything changed, and I didn't have anyone to help point me in the right direction. My dad was gone from my life 50 weeks of the year, and my mom was in no shape to help me deal - she was trying to deal with this change in her own way. So all those years when I am suppose to learn how to deal with anger, deal with sadness, deal with happiness, just deal - I didn't know how . . . and in some ways I still don't. So when I see a passage written about being on the right road, about reading the road signs - it is all a little overwhelming. Wandering aimlessly is all I know. Pushing my self in school, pushing myself now with work, is all about dealing with things that are controllable, making me feel a little less like I am wandering. So when days like today happen, when things get out of control - when the day starts off with a conflict, when it continues in with more mistakes, and ends with complications it makes me see I have no control, it was all fake control and in the end I am lost. The question was put:

Q: Walk along that highway - the road that beckons you. Where is that road leading? Is God there with you or are you alone?
A: I know in my mind that God is there with me, but I still feel alone, and I have no idea where I am going.

Enjoy The Silence

I just started a new book with a group I am in. It is called Enjoy The Silence. The title struck me right away - I love silence. I can go for days without listening to the radio, or talking to a soul. But after those days I am crazy, because I didn't fill it with anything valuable. I filled it with filth in my mind. Over analyzing and over thinking, past, present, and the future. So loving the silence really only lasts a short time, and the rest of the time I feel trapped by it. After reading the first chapters I felt a pull to be alone, to be silent for real. It ended poorly (see last nights blog).

But, today is a new day. Enjoy The Silence is all about meeting with God everyday and just exploring Him deeper. Much like I would meet with an old friend, getting to know them - what they like, what they don't. What they think about, what is important to them. So, if I may - I think that is what will be here. A reflection of what I read and what I see. It won't always be about that, but it will be a spring board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 1
Luke 8:4-15
While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable:
"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown."
When he said this, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
His disciples asked him what this parable meant. He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, "though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'
"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

What stuck out to me the most were the words trampled, withered, and choked. They describe what I feel daily. I feel choked by the things of this world, the in and out of daily life, the thorny past I have, the worry and stress of my daily life. My life is the soil of distraction, slowly choking me every day.
Some time I feel like I am choking my own heart. Wrapping bands around it to keep it from growing. Putting obstacles in my own way keeping me from fully loving, trusting, following, or even believing in God. By hardening my heart, by banding it to keep it from growing I protect it. Protect me from getting hurt - but that keeps me from accepting God, keeps me from accepting his gift, keeps me from being free.
God help me to loosen the bands on my heart. Tear down the walls I have built to keep you and everyone else out. Make my heart open and soft to you and what you have to show me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Missed

I really missed you this week. That happens every once and awhile. I wish I could stop it, but every time I think you are gone - somehow you come back. Each time is a little less painful, but each time makes me a little more angry with myself. You were a mistake, a speed bump in my life that should never have happened. Sometimes I try and find you. I quit trying, because it is impossible to find you - and if I did what good would that do? I can't come back to you, I can't go back there. You would laugh in my face if I even tried. You should be smarter than that by now too - smart enough to know that I wouldn't last. Smart enough to know the crap I pulled then would be the same crap I would pull now. The only constant thing in our relationship was the fact that I would be inconsistent. I am too filled with guilt about how I should act that it would never work. The shear fact that I know you and I can never be makes me furious to even remember you. Shit, you were my best friend first and because of what came second I lost that part of you forever, and I can never get it back. I go over that moment a hundred ways. If it hadn't happened then, would it have ever happened? If it had never happened would I be where I am now? Sometimes I think I have grown so much since then, because of us, in spite of us. Sometimes I feel like I am that same person. That same lost person that needed you, and wanted you despite what everyone said. I loved you, something I can't say for many. I wonder if I could honestly say that about any one that came after you. As for them, I think I was using them to prove that I could love someone else - that you weren't my crutch, that you weren't all that I made you out to be in my mind. I know in a few days you will be gone again. I will be fine for quite awhile. I will have my head screwed on straight and know that you and I were not meant for each other for a lot of reasons, and what I make the past out to be in my head is doctored. It glosses over all the bad in you all the bad in me, all the conflict we had, and the fact that we were terrible for one another. But all I see this week is what I chose to remember. The good times. The way you looked at me when I would come in from a terrible day, the way you would laugh at all my jokes - even the ones I know were stupid, the way you knew when I wanted to talk and when I just wanted to sit there with you, the way you always made me feel special, important, funny, smart, and loved. Maybe tomorrow I will remember the way you looked at me when I would hurt you by the things I would say, I will remember the way I stomped on your heart and then wanted you to give it back, I will remember the way you looked at me as I walked away from you the last time. That will remind me why we didn't work, and why this remembering is the dumbest thing I can do in my life. This remembering holds me back from going forward, keeps me from forgiving myself, and keeps me from enjoying a freedom from you.

You Light Up My Life

A girl and her foaming soap - it is a beautiful thing. NEVER separate the two, because if you did, I would be super sad. I never knew how much some soap would impact my life.

Let Me Get This Straight

Let me get this straight - the White Sox lost to the Royals. The Royals beat the White Sox. Seriously, the Royals are like the worst team ever. Oh yeah, and the Indians won against the Twins. Good day had by me.

Lets Start Off Happy

I know it is still really early in the season - but HELLO, I have something to say:

The Indians beat the White Sox 2 games in a 3 game series! Taking the Indians to being #2 in the Central division of the American League, and putting the White Sox (2005 National Champs) into the #3 spot. Yes the Detroit Tigers are in #1, but they have only played 2 games so they just got lucky. It is the year, I feel it.

Other than that I am tired. This is shown in many ways:
1. Not writing here, and when I do it is short, jibberish, or super depressing
2. Not really talking much after I leave work - where I need to talk to work
3. Flying off the handle all the time
4. Totally undestanding Pink Floyd
5. Not sleeping, because I think if I overcome the tired I have beaten it
6. Not knowing were my dog is at this very moment

Uncrustables

I would just like to take a moment and thank God for Uncrustables. They are good all the time, half frozen or thawed - I can't get enough.

Fool

WOW . . . happy april fools day to me