4.11.2006

Day 2

Jeremiah 31:16-25
This is what the LORD says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded," declares the LORD. "They will return from the land of the enemy.
So there is hope for your future," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land.
"I have surely heard Ephraim's moaning: `You disciplined me like an unruly calf, and I have been disciplined. Restore me, and I will return, because you are the LORD my God.
After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.'
Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD.
"Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns.
How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The LORD will create a new thing on earth-- a woman will surround a man."
This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "When I bring them back from captivity, the people in the land of Judah and in its towns will once again use these words: `The LORD bless you, O righteous dwelling, O sacred mountain.' People will live together in Judah and all its towns--farmers and those who move about with their flocks. I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

There is so much here, I am not sure how the page can contain it. Well so much here for me anyway.
  • V17 - "So there is hope for your future", declares the Lord. ~ Many times I feel like there is no hope for my future. I look forward and I see good things, but I also see many road blocks, or see destruction. Why don't I believe God when he tells me there is hope for my future - shouldn't he already know the truth about my future, and if there is hope there he would tell me, if there wasn't he wouldn't tell me so. I know this verse wasn't written specifically "for me," but in a way it was. So if there was no hope, wouldn't he say "you are all sinners, there is no hope, thank you."
  • V19 - After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I bean my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth. ~ That IS me. That is exactly my life. I strayed, I repented, and then when I truly understood the ramifications I felt like crap.
  • V20 - Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD." ~ God has compassion for me, no matter what I have done. His thoughts are still for me.
  • V21 - Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns. ~ How is God leading me back? Am I willing to follow the road signs. When I ask God what is next, or if this is right or wrong I ask for big signs, neon lights, because I don't catch the subtlety of things. I ask for signs and I get them, why don't I follow the road? It seems too hard.
  • V22 - How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? ~ I don't know.

Tonight before reading this I told someone I just felt lost. I felt lost in life. Like I was missing some key to the map of my life. I was talking about relationships, things I feel like I missed out on by not watching my parents relate to one another. Who am I going to talk to if I get married about married life things? (getting off subject, I know, but bringing it around I promise) But what I am really saying is I don't have an example, or a trial and error about how to make it work to model for me. It makes me feel lost. Like I don't even know how marriage or relationships all work. But the reality is, it extends to the rest of my life in many ways. After my parents divorced everything changed, and I didn't have anyone to help point me in the right direction. My dad was gone from my life 50 weeks of the year, and my mom was in no shape to help me deal - she was trying to deal with this change in her own way. So all those years when I am suppose to learn how to deal with anger, deal with sadness, deal with happiness, just deal - I didn't know how . . . and in some ways I still don't. So when I see a passage written about being on the right road, about reading the road signs - it is all a little overwhelming. Wandering aimlessly is all I know. Pushing my self in school, pushing myself now with work, is all about dealing with things that are controllable, making me feel a little less like I am wandering. So when days like today happen, when things get out of control - when the day starts off with a conflict, when it continues in with more mistakes, and ends with complications it makes me see I have no control, it was all fake control and in the end I am lost. The question was put:

Q: Walk along that highway - the road that beckons you. Where is that road leading? Is God there with you or are you alone?
A: I know in my mind that God is there with me, but I still feel alone, and I have no idea where I am going.

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