I have been having a lot of dreams with tornados in them. I am from Oklahoma where we don't run short of those . . . none of these dreams occur in Oklahoma. They occur in St. Louis or Arizona (there have been at least 2 there). In these dreams I am not just in them, but I am at a vantage point to watch them develop, watch as the clouds come together and form the funnel in the sky and touch down. There is usually more than one and I am either somewhere safe, or wake up by the time it would have hit where I am. When I had one, I thought it was just something interesting. When I had a second, I was still awed by it. By my 5th or 6th one I am totally freaked about it. I am not scared of tornados. I know that if one is coming get to safety. I know that is not a guarantee that I will be ok, but I know it is the best thing I have. But the reality is tornados are chaos. The vary nature of them is chaotic. When I dig deeper I know that I feel like my life is chaos - remember the chair in the coffee shop: The truth is - living in total chaos is fun - it's thinking about it that stinks! So when I am asked to think about it (say in a couch situation) I don't really know what to say. It is ingrained in me, it is who I am, it is what it is, and I don't know how to stop it. But why is it there? I woke up with the answer today (it also answers the age old questions of why I am angry and feel guilt all the time).
When I was little my parents divorced. I know that I couldn't really understand it or process it. One decision changed the course of my life forever, changed the way it would be lived, and changed the way I would look at life - forever. I realized this week that I was (and still am) mad at my dad. Neither of these I really knew, they just escaped my attention because I was too busy being mad at myself (guilt) for some reason or another. I can't really explain why I am mad at him - probably because I feel like he didn't try to keep us all together. Who knows why I was mad as a little girl - probably because I didn't understand why he wasn't there, really anyone's best guess. When you have anger that you can't explain, at people you love with all your heart - I think you start to feel guilt. Because you are so mad that you could spit but you don't know why. Their in lies confusion and guilt, and then comes being mad at yourself for being mad at someone you don't have a reason for. And after a few years years of that you get chaos. You forget who you were mad with in the first place, but the other feelings remain because you didn't resolve any of them. I was told once that I feel comfortable in the guilt. They were right. It is what I know. I make my life chaos, because it is what I know. If there isn't some sort of conflict in my life I think I would be lost.
I think I could keep talking, but I am sure you all get the picture.
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