#2146

My runner number: 2146 (not that many runners, they just started the numbers at 2000)
The distance: 5K
My time: 30:30 (ish, I haven't seen the official results)

I have been running since March (??? help me out) and it has been a slow process to get me to where I am now running about an hour every other day (depending on the work I did that day and the temperature). I would like to run more, but it is getting so dang hot and my job is pretty physical. I want to say at the end of the summer I would do a half marathon - but I wonder if that is too ambitious given what my summer holds by way of transitions and changes. Either way I rand the 5K and did it in a better time than I have ever run in my whole life. A 10 minute mile is unheard of in my life - there is no hustle in this muscle, but I guess maybe I was wrong. I do have one regret - I didn't beat the purple socks girl . . . my muscle was out of hustle, or I just didn't care enough, not sure which.

Alan Alda

Went to NYC

Spent 4 days

Took tons of pictures (many of which will be un-usable)

Walked miles and miles and miles

Rode the subway every day and did so looking like a pro (even with a map in my pocket)

Many different tours, can't name them all

If I closed my eyes on the last tour I could have sworn it was being given by Alan Alda

it would be confusing

Too Much

I have just realized that I am doing too many things at once. Not in life (that is debatable), but currently on my computer. I have iTunes open (but not listening . . . ponder that one a bit), working in Word, in Photoshop, Blogger is open, and flickr is loading. Can I truly give my full attention to any of the above mentioned programs if I am working on them all at once. Granted a few of them are open for the same reason, but goodness me that is a lot.

I, personally, have been on a blog hiatus. Not because I don't like blogging, or because I don't like any of you that read the blog - I just don't have anything all that interesting to say (nor do I ever). I fear that I have become . . . boring. Granted I may have more to say the closer I get to my move to Oklahoma, but all in all this life change has just made me shut my mouth a little bit. I don't think the blog has been helped much by my job. A place where I can go and be alone with my thoughts for 8 hours a day and so I don't really need to talk about them much. Yes, I have said this all before - and I will shut up about it. But that is the real reason I asked someone else to write a bit. I hoped it would give me time to think of something on my own, or at least spur me on to write. It did neither, but it did give me a chance to beg them to write some more.

The Long Wait: Part the Last

So sad! Here is my final post for now ( I think!). I hope you've enjoyed the slightly different fare. And one final hint of my identity: my most tangible long-term goal right now is walking the Camino in Spain.

The Long Wait: Part the Last

The Silence of God by Andrew Peterson

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God

It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

Now, I don’t claim to know what ‘n all God is about in all this waiting business, but I’m pretty sure that some of it has to do with developing a rock solid faith. I’ve noticed that the longer a time of waiting goes on, the more God reveals to me how useless my efforts are to improve myself or do things on my own. In my most painful period of waiting thus far, God took everything away from me that I thought made up who I was--my talents, my relationships, my intellect, even my ability to take care of myself. There was nothing left for me in that place but the raw knowledge that I was absolutely nothing without the love of my gracious Savior. It’s been quite a few years since I have been in that place of abject brokenness, and I can see now that it was the most loving (and painful) thing that God has ever done for me. He took away my self-reliance so that I could only rely on him. In my stubbornness, it was the only way that He could reach me.

In recent years, I have found myself in another holding pattern, waiting for the next step. I didn’t want to, but I have slowly fallen back into that place of apathy and fear of hoping, because the things I have hoped for have either not yet come to be or have been thrown back in my face. Once again, prayers have seemed to bounce off the ceiling over my head and onto the floor instead of rising to the throne of the One who loves me. God has never let me totally give up on Him, but I certainly have felt like giving up on me. Thankfully, through a series of circumstances, God has woken my heart again to His reality and His hope once again. I realized that I was putting my hope in my desires instead of Him (does anyone really understand the difference between hoping FOR and hoping IN?), and lost hold of the reality of His faithfulness and the timelessness of His purposes. I can see that part of the onerousness of waiting comes from my ingrained belief that I am what I do; I can’t DO anything about waiting, and I can’t make anything in my life happen, no matter what they tell me on TV and in self-help books. It seems that only during those times of waiting, if we rest in the silence of God’s heart, can He reveal to us what we truly are to become through His grace.

So even though waiting at the doctor’s office still cramps my style, and I still find myself getting impatient as I wait for fulfillment, I am thankful that God loves me enough to lead me here, in this moment of waiting. And I know that I'm in very good company, since all of creation "has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time (Romans 8:22)," waiting for Christ's redemption of His children. I only pray that I will learn my lessons well and rest on His grace instead of my dreams and abilities. If you, too, find yourself chafing with the pressure of waiting on God, I recommend taking the time to slow down and rest in what God has for you here in the silence. Turn off the TV, log off of Twitter and Facebook, put your ipod away, and practice some active listening. Read some Henri Nouwen or Brennan Manning, do a concordance search through your Bible on the word “wait” (there’s a lot!), and grab someone you trust to talk and pray about what waiting means to you in this moment. God will be faithful to reveal His heart to you and bring you to the place He has for you, and grant you peace along the way. And so, in the words of Larry Hein, “May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son, and Spirit.”

The Long Wait 2.1

Okay, folks. I know the suspense has been killing you. So without further ado, I present the next installment on this delightfully scintillating discourse on waiting. (And if you're still curious about me, I'll give you one more clue: in the second grade, I wished with all my heart to grow up and be a marine biologist.)

THE LONG WAIT: 2.1

. . .one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, "because you have kept My command to persevere. . .(Rev. 3:10)"
Oswald Chambers

Sometimes I feel like I have spent my entire life waiting for something. When I was a little kid, I was waiting and waiting to grow up so that I could be cool like the big kids. I waited to go to college so that my “real” life could start. I graduated from college and waited for a purpose or a goal to focus my life on. I have spent a lot of time and energy on waiting to become healthy. But mostly I’ve spent a lot of time waiting on God. Waiting for Him to change my life, me, or the people and world around me. And I can honestly say that for the most part, I’ve hated every minute of that waiting.

The thing is, waiting can feel like death, or being locked in prison. When waiting, there are expectations that are not being fulfilled, because you’re obviously waiting for something, and when that something doesn’t happen, you can start to doubt whether God really cares about what’s going on. Hope gets really hard to hold onto when it doesn’t reach any fulfillment. In Proverbs it states that, “A hope deferred makes a heart sick (13:12).” I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent a lot of time with a sick heart, waiting for things that have seemingly never happened--hopes for myself and for others. And I’ve found that the end result is apathy, bitterness, and a strong desire to not hope about anything. And a total abhorrence of waiting.

However, in latter years I’ve started to get the sneaking suspicion that I’ve got everything totally backwards. I’ve noticed that I am not alone in this business of waiting, either. It seems that all of the great Bible characters that I’ve learned about spent a fair amount of time waiting, too. Abraham waited for a son, Moses waited for a call to action from God and deliverance for his people, Joseph waited to be rescued twice, then waited for reconciliation with his family. The Israelites waited for a promised land over and over again as they were captured, returned, and captured again and again. Even Jesus had to wait thirty years to start his ministry! The exciting thing to me is that God never ever left them to wait forever (minus, of course, the generations of Hebrews who lived in exile for their disobedience, and Moses who never got to see the promised land for the same reason). He waited until the time was right, and rescued, gave, or spurred to action as He saw fit. And when the waiting got to be too much for someone and they acted of their own volition, they made stupid decisions and made God really really angry, like the Israelites at the base of the Mount Sinai (Exodus 32) worshipping the golden calf, or Saul not waiting for Samuel to give a sacrifice before a battle (1 Samuel 13). So there really must be something important to God about waiting.


Tune in next time for part three!

Irony?

Not ironing, irony. Does anyone else find it ironic that we have to wait for more of the post on waiting? When I saw that my blog had been posted to I got a little freaked out. Then I remembered - and it felt like I had someone else do my homework for me - and that felt AWESOME!

Oh, and I totally know who is writing and I'm not telling.

I accept the challenge thrown to me by answering with a meditation on the nature of waiting. If you're dying to know who I am, you'll just have to guess! I'll give one hint: My second toe is longer than all the other toes on my feet. Good luck.

As I am not near as pithy as Katie, you'll have to bear with me in installments, since nobody goes to a blog to read an essay. Unless you're me.

THE LONG WAIT: 1

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”
Psalm 37:7

I hate waiting. And I don’t use the word hate lightly here. When waiting in line at the store, my patience runs out about ten seconds after joining the end of a line. After a thirty second perusal of the tabloid covers and a thorough investigation of the check-out line fare, the tension inside of me starts to build. I shift. I covertly watch the people around me. I try to pretend that I’m totally cool with standing there doing absolutely nothing while the cashier does fifteen price-checks on baby formula ahead of me. But inside I’m getting desperate. I think of fifty other things I could be doing RIGHT NOW, all of them way more important than waiting, and begin to feel like a teakettle on the boil, ready to start screaming any minute. While I’ve never had a total breakdown waiting in line, I have sprinted out of stores on several occasions after check-out just to release the excessive tension and irritation that grips me so strongly. It often takes me a good twenty minutes or more to recover from the physical and emotional stress of waiting in line. Don’t even ask me about waiting rooms in medical offices--that’s even worse!!
If that seems absolutely ridiculous to you, you’re right. But I bet you’ve had similar experiences. Nobody in our society likes to wait. Just think about how we eat--grocery stores are filled with frozen dinners and “instant” meals to save us the pain of waiting for food to cook. Or we can go to any of a myriad choices of fast “food” (watch out, though--you might have to wait in line!!) We can’t even be patient with nature--all the ads on TV about weight loss products tout their amazingly fast results, “I lost 50 pounds in three months!!” And if you can’t even wait for the pills or diet plan or exercise routine to kick in, you can get plastic surgery and look skinny now! Everything, it seems, is designed to keep us from the horrors of waiting.


Join us next time for The Long Wait:2!

Invitation

due to my lack of blogging, i have invited a special guest to blog a bit for me. i'm not telling you who it is - they may not even take me up on the offer. it will be up to them to reveal their identity or not. all i can say about this person is that they also fall under the category of "sarcastic and single" and they have way more interesting insights on life than i do.

You can say that again

Grellon

Behind the appartments at work there is a wooded area. To strictly call it woods, because it isn't, but it is an area of trees . . . a thin strip of trees. ANYWAY, there are these kids that love to play in the wooded area, I mean, who wouldn't want to play out there, I would have TOTALLY been out there every day. Every so often I see a hut out there. It isn't really noticable because of where they build it and what the materials are, but I will catch a glimpse of one. Well Tuesday this is what we found. Not only are their huts back there, but over the weekend they (my guess is these three boys that are always running together out there and usually in the wood line) built a garden. A garden complete with planting beds, plant that they transplanted from other areas of the wooded area (and I think one or two from our transplant area behind the shop), stone lined paths, and remodeled huts.

You've been GREd

I have climbed out from under the GRE rock, so back to life as usual. I was commenting today to a friend (on our run - can you believe it, I ran today) that when I worked around a computer most of the day I would come home and get back on the computer for a long time. Now that I don't work around a computer and can only check my email about once or twice a day, I come home and check my email and pretty much walk away for the night. There could be many explanations. I have my own assumptions, you can have yours - sound like a deal?

GRE . . . not what I had planned, but it is over. I don't think my basement score will keep me out of grad school, should I decide to go, but it was pretty much an ego buster. So what do I do now? I sit around and read books. Well that is what I did all day yesterday. Today? I blog while listening to Jon Foreman. Depressing because it started on his Winter CD rather than the Spring or Summer set.

Oh that rat

Well . . .

I was over checking out Ben's new site today. Same as the old, just in a different, cooler place (I say that with a grumble because blogspot USE TO BE the cool place and now it has been usurped (bigger words because I am studying for the GRE). Anyway, on his page he has a list of blogs that he reads and mine was up there. It has been up there for awhile, even though there really isn't anything new to read here EVER! When you put your arrow over my site there is a Benesome (Ben and Awesome combined - totally just made that up and I don't think I like it) caption to go along with the title: "She is not watching TV for a year. Read all about it." That made me chuckle a bit, because I don't really talk about that much. I think the only people that have to hear much about it are the people that live with me.

I have been in countdown mode since January when I passed the six month mark - but the countdown hasn't really been that big of a deal. I'm almost to the point where watching TV or movies doesn't really matter. Sure it does on a Sunday afternoon when they are going to watch Ghost Town or something, but in the end it really doesn't matter - I just spend some more time in my room reading.

As if I wasn't already weird about society and how much I dislike the attitudes that I have embraced as being a middle class, white, sub-urban, American - this no TV thing has opened up my eyes to so many more negatives about society. Instant gratification vs. delayed gratification, the over use of sex in the media, and the pedestal we put actors and actresses on. I love instant gratification, and putting people on pedestals, and using sex to sell a hamburger - but that is so wrong. When did we go from looking at solders as heroes to forgetting their sacrifice and looking at people to see what Brittany is doing today?

Graph Paper and Education

I didn't realize it had been a month since I posted last. Sad thing about me - when more is going on in my life that might actually be fun to read about, I don't take the time to write. I don't know if I would call the last month "fun", but there has sure been a lot of thinking and shake up going around.


If you also follow my Flickr account you will see that I only posted one day's worth of photos for February. BECAUSE I ONLY TOOK ONE DAY'S WORTH OF PHOTOS IN FEBRUARY! Why is that, you may ask - well because I didn't take my camera ANYWHERE, and I grew tired of taking pictures of my dog looking at me like I was beating her when I pulled out the camera. So starting March 1 I started taking my camera with me to work. OK, really it all started when I saw my bread was L'oven Fresh. Not Oven Fresh - L'oven Fresh:


So, I took my camera to work and got all sorts of dirty pictures:

This is my face after coming in from a power washing project. You can see where my safety glasses have been.
The fronts of these pants use to be the color of the back. Not only are they beyond dirty - they are wet from the power washer.

Other than that I haven't taken many photos. The month is young. I did take a few of a project I am working on in Tower Grove area, but I don't really have much of note yet.

So, this week I needed an Engineer scale at work. I don't have any scales at work, but the 1/8 scale or 1/4 scale are much easier to do with a standard ruler. The 10 or 20 scale can be a bit tougher. So what could I do? I went online to see if there was a printable version. Didn't find a printable scale, but I found printable graph paper. Not only can you quickly print off graph paper if you need a random sheet, you can also tailor the sheet to look like you want! http://www.printfreegraphpaper.com/, this isn't the only place you can do such a thing, but it is what I found first. If you don't know this about me already, let me just tell you now: GRAPH PAPER IS MY FAVORITE. If I have a choice between plain, lined, or graph, I pick graph every time. Quirky? Perhaps, but it is me.


Other than working, taking random L'oven Fresh photos, and getting giddy over the amount of graph paper I can print in many different formats, I have been studying. Studying for the infamous GRE. That's right. I officially announce to the internet my vie for graduate school in the fall of 2009. You will be happy to note that my first blog was started and constantly updated while getting my undergrad degree. It was the most depressing drivel I have ever seen - and yes I have read this blog. I'm being open to these next steps that God has for me. The hardest part - I am currently very content. I am content and even happy in my job. I love my living situation, I love this town. If this thing goes through, I will be leaving it all behind and heading back to Oklahoma. I am applying for the Environmental Sciences Graduate Degree program studying ground water conservation, water reclamation, and storm water management. I am waiting to get in on a project related to low impact development (but it doesn't start until the spring). You didn't know that on the deepest level that I was a nerd. Take this video, for instance. I about wet my pants when I saw this and was captivated by the simple concept and the impact it could have.


It doesn't hurt that he has an accent. That makes things so much easier to listen to and take in.


I guess that is all. I had to emerge from the studying bubble for awhile, so I figured a blog entry would be the ticket. It only took me an hour to write. I guess I shouldn't try to multi-task.

Katie comes from a long line of leavers . . .

welp kids, this has been an interesting weekend, to say the least. am i going to be vague about it? you betcha.

i had a pretty open weekend - the first in over a month. i spent saturday reading and taking my dog for ridiculously long walks because it felt about 75 outside and it was amazing to be out in it on february 7. there have been many thoughts swimming in my mind of late. i don't know if you know this about me or not - but i am pretty content with my life. it started sometime in the fall (i can't pinpoint the day, or even the month). a calm came over my life that i can't quite explain other than God is showing me that things are ok. paul talks about it when he wrote the philippians - and i think i finally understand what he is talking about. i didn't have teen angst when i was growing up, but i did have 20's angst . . . to the extreme. things still bother me, or upset me, but i think i have begun to see the bigger picture and know that it is bothersome now but in a few weeks it will be just fine. anyway, the thoughts swimming in my mind are really related to what direction my life needs to take. what i am doing is fine for now, but there is no challenge, other than the physical challenge of work. it isn't challenging my mind. and on the rare occasions it calls for brain work it is on random things that shouldn't be analysed. so my ongoing question has been, what is next? where do i need to do next? is this it? i don't know if i ever expected those questions to be answered - but many options came poking me this weekend. out of nowhere in particular, why does He like to work that way? so i am weighing my options and seeing if there are any bites.

as i weighed and pondered today (some more) i got a call. "yes, the tax man does want all of your money." what i thought was a mistake in the way i was doing my taxes was no mistake at all. while i have most of the money that uncle sam wants, i don't have all of it - and that my friends is where my new found contentment (and trust) comes in. i did all the right things, my accountant did all the right things, my employers did all the right things, i saved the right amount out of the money from the work i did on the side for people this year, there is no one to blame (i usually blame myself, but i'm not this time because it was truly a fluke). it is an interesting thing really. such a sum of money never really entered my mind as being possible, and now it is just like a bad dream - one that i hope is over soon.

thinks she is turning japanese

Well I guess it is about time for me to write you again. It has been some time since I have taken any pictures, or thought about writing. Still no photos, and . . . TA DA, I'm here writing. I saw this today and thought I would share:

Anyway, I guess this is the start of many conversations with Gladys. I suppose now I'm going to have to go every so often to watch those on YouTube.

Today was a great day to be outside. Not so much to work, but just to be outside. Let's see, I painted a curb, I cleaned up some leaves, I fixed a salt spreader - don't be envious, you all know you want my job, but right now it is taken. That was said with all the sarcasm this little heart could muster.

Well I guess that is about all. OH, I did make some biscuits today. Not as good as my Grandmother, but I did alright. I just did the thing where you drop them onto the pan instead of rolling them all out and then cutting them out with the fancy little cutter. That was fun for me. Now I have approximately 19 left over that I'm not really sure what to do with. Is that an exaggeration . . . you know me.

Is it just me, or does this biscuit look like a frog?
Maybe a catfish?

has had a hard day's night

I think I am going to leave that status up for another day. The snow is finally over and that means that I get to take a bit of a break. This first real snow of the season wasn't too terrible, if I do say so myself. It was a good one to really get my feet wet (literally and physically). Not only did it snow a lot over about a day and a half we also had a plow go down. That was the BEST part. I say that will all the sarcasm my heart can muster (which as you know is quite a bit). The picture to the left shows the exact moment that I knew we wouldn't be plowing any more that night . . . or was it morning? I don't really remember - my days and times are a bit fuzzy right now. All is well, and actually it was an easy week. All I know is I love going in over night. I don't think I would love it everyday, but there is something about 3 am that has a peace about it.

Oh, and the picture to the right is from when we went sledding Tuesday night. It was snowing huge flakes and it was coming down hard and fast. It was awesome. I got a new sled for Christmas and Tuesday was it's maiden voyage. It is the best sled I have ever owned. It is huge, first of all, and second it is super fast and you don't really feel the bumps (like the curbs).

Oh, and my status from before was: Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. So in honor of that - HEEEEEERRRRREEEEE's Harvey:

is the tax man

no, i will not update you on the statuses you missed - because i am in just that sort of mood. my weekend and monday were full. not full in the case of, "wow, i have a lot going on and i just can't catch a break." but full in the fact that there were a lot of things going on mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and yes - some physically. in the interest of time i am going to do a "stream of consciousness" stolen from my friend John.

• while friday was suppose to be spent at a big brothers/big sisters lock in it was not. for reasons unexplainable other than the ever changing mind of a teenager i spent the evening at home . . . well not at home after all. i couldn't figure out why that teenage mind had been changed until the events of the day and night unraveled and then it made perfect sense. am i being ambiguous? yes, of course i am. friday night is not really my story to tell, only that i am glad to have been in the right place at the right time, and am humbled every day how God chooses to work in my life.
• up early on saturday to go work at the Harris home. what a great time to work side by side with friends and take some time to get to know everyone a bit better.
• i am getting closer and closer to the summer which means a lot of things. one it is going to be hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof, and two i am getting closer to family camp. more on that to come, but in short is is a trip that my mom and i are taking to help give some families a much needed break and time to re-connect on deeper levels. i can't wait.
• more and more i am finding that it is easy to give my heart away. not necessarily in the romantic love department, but in relationships in general. while i have guarded my heart for about 30 years, this gradual giving that has been going on has made a huge impact on me.
• i am crying a lot more now, and not really because i am sad (random tidbit)
• i started my taxes this weekend - and yes i am totally frustrated. due to changes in my life over the past year and some change my taxes have been a confusing mess. this was compounded this year again and now i fear that i will not be able to do my taxes on my own this year. i have always found a sense of pride in doing my taxes since i was 16, and now i am seeing that i need to be humble enough to ask for some much needed help.
• i am learning that to be a christian really means to become like Jesus and show him to others. not to be afraid to admit your problems or hang ups. Kevin likes to say that - aa is where you go and admit you are bad and you get better. church is a place you go and pretend you are good and get worse. anyway, i heard christianity encapsulated so well last week Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Now don't read that as you have to be all those things at once. Look at them as steps. First learn to be humble. then as you grasp the humble part you will gradually learn to be gentle. and so on until, in the end, you are looking more and more like Jesus.
• i am finding that i have a lot of thoughts, but i never really finish them. i get a good start and then they just fizzle. i don't know if it is lack of thought, or that there is too much thought.
• i am gaining a different perspective on my job. not a good or bad perspective - just different.
• and to conclude i have The Beatles and their cartoon of Taxman:

Want's To Leave A Legacy

My friend Ben just got back from Haiti. I was really excited for this trip because they were taking him to shoot video footage of the area and what it was like there. I wanted to learn more. Not because I'm ready to pack my bags for Haiti - but I could . . . I don't know, you know me, I won't. I just like to hear and see places I have never been in hopes that one will strike a chord and maybe I will know what is next for me. I think I know, but it has been a long waiting game with that one. Anyway, Ben posted a video of something that happened on their first day there - and this my friend is what it means to leave a legacy. It doesn't have to be big things that make a mark, it can be in the small things too. I encourage you to take some time and watch - turn up your speakers a bit.

http://todaysawesomeness.blogspot.com/2009/01/day-205-video.html