Day 6

John 13:1-5, 23
Not really sure exactly how the verses fit in with the whole idea, so if you want to read them go find that Bible you put somewhere a year ago and read it.

What would it be like to have God hold you. To have him actually take you in his arms. What would you feel?
I don't know if I can answer this question really. A question that I kind of made up - well I took a bunch of other questions in the book to make this one simpler one. I am not a fan of people putting in conversations they had on IM, but here is how I feel about God, taken from a conversation I had about a week ago (slightly condensed). It started off with me talking about dating relationships and evolved into some stuff about God:

ME: but in the end i know that right now if anyone showed any interest i would freak out and run the other direction
NAD: well it's good you know yourself, but do you know why?
Me: yes
NAD: now it's just your deal whether to change that reason or not
Me: because that would mean that someone thinks that i am special, or worth it, and right now i don't feel either. and it would freak me out that someone would think that.
NAD: sometimes you just have to accept God's wisdom or choices or ways, don't you get that by now?
Me: obviously not
NAD: well it's best not to go kickin Him in the face when He sends you gifts, better learn to say thank you
Me: i'm a kicker, hitter, and spitter when it comes to God
NAD: well you know where you stand there
Me: oh yeah, and sand thrower into the eyes
NAD: well, the sand throwing goes without saying
Me: that one is my favorite one
NAD: funny is he still likes ya. so how come you don't just say thank you?
Me: I don't think i deserve it, constantly running.
NAD: so back to this, if you know He gave you all these gifts, and some people recognize them and think you're funny or brilliant or babeish or smart, why don't you say thank you instead of running? you think He likes the sand?

It isn't that I don't love God, don't get me wrong on that point. The point is that I don't know how to love him, because in the end I don't trust that he really loves me. So I fight. If God took me in a hug I would freak. I would question it all. Every hug I have by a non family member I wonder is it over, did I hug too long, not long enough, was it suppose to be a side hug, was it not suppose to be a side hug, is this awkward for them . . . on and on with the questions. I think it would be the same for me and God, only I wouldn't have those questions I would have others. Does he really know what he is doing, doesn't he know where I have been, doesn't he remember that I just kicked him in the shin before he hugged me. The thing is, I kicked him in the shin and it made him want to hug me even more. If I let him hug me I know I would push at first, wonder when it would be over. But in the end I would have my ear to his chest (because I am guessing he is a tall guy and I wouldn't be tall enough to have my head on his shoulder) and I could hear his heart and I would hear that no matter how many times I kicked him, how many times I threw sand in his face or pushed him away - he still loved me. Loves me so much that it huts him to see me hurt, it hurts him so much that he made the ultimate sacrifice. I still don't get why, but maybe I can start believing that it is true, and maybe trust . . . just a little.

"Baby steps through the office. Baby steps down the hall. Baby steps onto the elevator." - Bob