it just hurts

it doesn't matter what i do, it just hurts. if i don't eat . . . it hurts. if i eat . . it hurts. i guess i will go back to my college habit of drinking mylanta, yum.

Air Bus

Is it just be or does the flying experience feel more like a cross country bus ride than a flight?

Basket Ball

I think they call it March Madness because I may go crazy if I have to watch another game.

Gene Pool

Is it nature or nurture . . . most days I think nurture, but when I am with him, I can't deny the nature part of me.

Off . . . again

I'm off again. This time to Texas where the temperature is up in the 80's. I can not post while I am there, so I will type them all when I get back. Maybe I will have a new list so I won't be listless.

Tickets

I just received 3 Jim Gaffigan tickets for his show here in September! That's right, I'm going to the show. You try buying them today . . . could you buy any? No. What about tomorrow? That's right, can't tomorrow either. You can, however, buy them on Friday. But I already have 3 of the best seats in the house so there is really no point.

list-less

I don't have a list, I don't know what to do. I guess it is time to think up a new list.

Iron Man

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen Videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

Last on the list of topics I wrote down almost a week ago is the Iron Man trailer and upcoming movies report. If last summer is any indication of how I will do this year, then I am sad to say I won't actually go see any of these movies I am excited about. Example: Transformers. I wet my pants when I saw the preview, waited with held breath, and then let it come . . . and go from the theaters without so much as one ticket bought. What happened, you may ask. I DON'T FREAKING KNOW! To this day I have not seen it, and I have a DVD of it here at the house. Maybe it has come down to the build up now. I have built it up, didn't see it, and now have to watch it on a TV screen, worry that I won't be what I built it up to be, so I don't want to be disappointed. Who knows.

This summer, I hope will be a bit different. Hopefully I will see at least 2 of these. A few I am excited about I have listed here already - Indiana Jones being high on the list. The new Batman (and not because of Heath Ledger . . . but because I love the Batman genre (yes I called it a genre (and yes I have used parentheses inside of parentheses, etc.))). The new Narnia movie is coming out. OH!!!! And Get Smart - with Steve Carell. I can't wait for that one. Posted a trailer for that a long time ago, and it doesn't ever seem like it is ever going to be in the theater! Also Iron Man. I enjoy that this movie is coming out for one reason and one reason only - Robbert Downy Jr. He is the perfect smart ass, and that is what this character is, a total smart ass. So far from the preview I think this line will be quotable:

"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."

Hawaii Chair

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

This is classic. Just goes to show that things aren't always what they appear:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2008/01/hawaii_chair.php
(note, if video doesn't play after the commercial - refresh the screen and you should be able to watch it)

Also from Ellen:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/message_from_ellen/
Not all videos are funny. Take special note of: The Dance Studio, Toll to the Lincoln Tunnel, and the one titled "that's where the prof is"

Monday

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

My unexpected of Monday was a long time coming. Let me provide a little bit of background:

I started working at the age of 13. My mom and I moved to Oklahoma when I started the 8th grade. I'm not sure I am over the trauma of moving to a small town right in the middle of Jr. High when clicks have been created 8 years earlier and small town Jr. High kids are meaner and click-y-er than others. This may not be a fact, but from where I had come from, they weren't nearly like the people I encountered in this new Deliverance Country. Anyway, my mom went to work in a lumber yard for a kind man named Tom Sanders. Tom had been in the lumber business for quite awhile. The company was originally owned by his father and uncle, and he wanted nothing to do with it. He went off and became a college professor and, what do you know, ended up running the business anyway. I'm not sure all the events surrounding his come back to backwoods Oklahoma, but he did. He allowed me to work in his store in the office. I filed. I filed a lot. I filed and cleaned the break room and the bathrooms. I did all that for $20 a week. THAT'S RIGHT. In that day I thought I was rich. I would walk home from school, drop my bag off and head over to the lumber yard to alphabetize and file invoices. At the beginning of the month I had the job of assisting in the mailing of all the invoices. Cleaning the bathrooms was the worse part - mostly because it was mostly men in and out of that place . . . mostly men that had terrible chewing habits. The spitting involved in the chewing is not necessarily the bad part, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I worked for that man until I graduated from high school. I even had half days my senior year and went to work for him the rest of the day as part of a school to work program. That semester I tried to learn Auto CAD 12 . . . it was hard, and I don't think I made much headway, but as a landscape architect I used Auto CAD a lot, and I would like to think I was ahead of the curve due to my tinkering at 17. He was very kind to my mom and me. He gave me something to do after school and on weekends, gave me a chance to be around my mom a bit more, and to form friendships with other men that I would have never met otherwise. These men were hard men. They knew the value of hard work, and they were very rough around the edges - but they were there for me. They were like big brothers that knew how to work and how to teach me the value of work, but also they liked to have a bit of fun and how to teach me to have a bit of fun at work too. Rubber band fights were a common sight, as was the look that said, "That was fun, but go back to work now." Those are all things he did indirectly. He gave me a sense of accomplishment in a job well done, a work ethic (that is sometimes out of control), and taught me the value of a dollar. Directly he gave me money for my prom dress, gave my mom time off to come to see me in speech competitions, wrote a home run letter of recommendation, paid for me to go places and do things (but he always made me ask) . . . he was like an uncle to me. He was a tall, quiet man, who was respected by his employees and people all over town. His dad was still around the store a lot. He had an office upstairs by mine (well my office wasn't really an office as much as it was a closet with a table they built). He was awesome as well. He used his time to make stained glass projects. I didn't develop the hobby until later, but I wish now I had him around to help me out.

So Tom Sanders. I don't think I could list the ways he helped me, or was there for me, or encouraged me, etc. I would visit him on occasion after I left for college. Those visits tapered off to the point where I had not seen him in about 2 years. I was never in town when the store was open, and for some reason I didn't feel right about going by his house (hmmmm, doesn't that sound like me). So Monday I went by. The store was a bit different. I didn't really see anyone on the floor I recognized. They looked at me suspiciously. I was a stranger walking through like I had business there, and went straight for the office. No one stopped me, but I think they wanted to. I saw the accountant/secretary that I worked with. She was happy to see me. And then I saw him. The tall, gentle man that helped me get through part of my life. Time and grief (over the loss of his parents and one of his sons) had aged him, but he was still in there, the man I knew. We talked for awhile. Mostly about my life and where it was going (or not going). I didn't realize until I saw him how much I missed seeing him. It was good, it was unexpected, it was just what I needed.

There have been 2 other "Tom Sanders" people in my life, and seeing him after all that time made me grateful for those others who have come behind. I just hope I don't go another two years before I see him again, and I don't let time get away from me with the ones that I have in my life now.

On with the list

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

Sunday's unexpected . . . what to say about it all. I don't know if it was something that was "unexpected" as it was something that made me take a step back and see, once again, that I am not going through all this turmoil of the last 6 months alone. There is Someone with me every moment. I went home for a few days to see my mom and my grandparents. I went to church with my mom and saw people that I always see when I am home. But I spent a lot of time with one gentleman that I rarely talk to. It isn't that we don't like talking to one another, it is just that he is usually very busy with the business of church . . . fighting the urge of a rabbit trail about churches and how they have become a business . . . must fight harder! OK . . . so, we don't talk much usually because I spend very little time in that church of my early 20's and he is usually busy with other things that need to be taken care of there. Anyway, he was asking me about my job(s) and I was talking to him about a very recent opening in St. Louis to work at the community college in the horticulture department. I am very conflicted about this decision. One, because I feel like I have made a commitment to where I am and that ministry. And second, because it was back in a related field to what I left . . . and there are more than a couple of reasons why I don't work there anymore. So he proceeded to lay out my options in a way that I had never had it all laid out to me before. A way that made me feel at total peace about what to do next. As you travel toward your destination, you have to work. Make your tents (as it were), and when it is time to quit making tents move on. Some of you have no idea what that means, but in context it made perfect sense.

Dog Years

So, my list:

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years video
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My Commission

On to another number today . . . I pick 3. I think you guessed that due to the title of my post. Anyway, I thought this was pretty funny, and I'm sure that Addie thinks the same things sometimes . . . only she doesn't have a male voice, and if she spoke I think she would have the same accent.

Let's Give Them Something To Talk About

There is so much I want to talk about today. Every time I think about today's post I think of something different to put on here. I have seen several funny videos in the last 12 hours and wanted to post every one. Then there is the weekend to talk about. Just as a side note - an unexpected occurrence is not necessarily bad. Even if it is something I don't know how to talk about - some things just take me by such surprise and leave me speechless (rare, I know). So thank you for those of you who have called or left me kind words in my mail box, everything is fine, everyone is fine. So anyway I can't narrow it down to what I want to post today. So I will give you a list so that I know what to write about over the next week or so. The list isn't so much for you as it is for me.

1. Sunday's unexpected
2. Monday's unexpected
3. Dog Years video
4. Ellen videos
5. Iron Man trailer/upcoming movies report
6. My commission

I'm going to talk about my commission today. I have read and heard from some artists this statement "I have a commission of _____ to finish by the end of the week." I thought, how cool to be so great that someone would commission you to do something like that. I realized that they aren't that cool because I have been asked to do landscape designs, installs, etc. and that was really just a commission. I was commissioned to design a wall for a friend and put it in. Not cool, nothing cool about it. I had a great time, but that doesn't make me cool. ANYWAY, I have had a real commission. I am to design a business card for my dad. Some may say it doesn't count because he is my dad, but it TOTALLY counts because it is my dad. It is like my dad said, your work is great, make me something. That sort of thing just doesn't happen on a whim in my world. So anyway, I have complete design block - more frozen in fear of what will come or not come out of me. So, hopefully by Friday I will have some concrete ideas for him.

Unexpected

I wrote a quick post yesterday about my trip home. It wasn't over when I wrote it. I mentioned unexpected things happening, but I wasn't prepared for the unexpected of this morning. I can talk about the unexpected of Sunday and Monday, but I don't know how to talk about the unexpected of this morning. It was something so powerful, so raw, something I never saw coming, and am still in awe that it occurred.

Follow Up

This whole trip has been nothing I ever imagined. I don't know if that is good or bad. I was not ready for what I saw, but once I saw it I knew it was manageable for my little pea brain. Other things I didn't expect have happened, I'm sure there will be more about that later when I get a chance to write for real.

Off

I'm off to the great unknown. I'm not really sure what I am walking into today. I want to be ready, but I don't think I will be prepared for what I am about to see or experience.

I'm sure you understand, but I'm lost

I don't think I will ever understand it. EVER!

Spring

I realized today, as I sat in my backyard with the sun on my face, that this is the first time I have ever enjoyed spring in my adult life. The first time I have the time to enjoy it. I realize it isn't technically spring, but who is counting?

Last Time

When you are doing something mundane you never stop to think - "Is this the last time I will ever do this?" And then you wake up later and realize you will never do ________ (fill in the blank) again. Like the last time you kissed you ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, did you really know or think it would be the last time. The last time you ever backed out of that driveway or drove down that road because you moved. The last time you ever stood in that kitchen, or that office, or saw those people. Maybe you don't think about that because it is depressing, or fatalistic, or pessimistic. I don't really think about it at the time, but sometimes I do later. It comes up in a conversation, or a thought, or though my many hours of introspection.

Sun . . . shine

I just spent the last hour or so (so being anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes, because I don't remember the exact time I went outside) sitting in the sun reading and, subsequently, dozing. My foul disposition of the last week seemed to melt away for awhile, but then I remembered I had to go to work tonight and it seemed to rally back with vengeance. I don't think I'm handling things well, and I don't really know what to do - God help me if I have to go back to a counselor, I think that would send me over the edge. Normally the thought of recounting my life to a stranger seems so freeing and amazing. But these days I would rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick because I know that this is just a phase of transition and loss and eventual recovery, not a life long sorrow.

So when you ask me what I did today, don't be surprised if I say:

"I was just sitting here with my stick enjoying the sun . . . shine."

. . .

his name was Joe. He was the most famous baker on the coast.

(you thought it was going to be dirty - shame on you)

Story Time

There once was a man from Nantucket,

Fool

I really don't want to write everyday. I really don't feel like writing once a week anymore. Am I just doing this now because I have a "Blog 365" on my page and I signed up for this? Should I forget that and just do what I want when I want? Or would that just be another commitment I have made that I let go because it is hard? I don't think there are any right or wrong answers on this. I think, more than anything, I am finding that I write for me, and not for anyone else. So should you have to read it because I asked you here once, or you stumbled upon this site? A friend of mine apologized to me because they hadn't been reading every day, or every week. I don't think he was seriously apologizing, but I told him that it is here if you want to read it. It is here if you don't want to read it. I put it here, and whether no one reads it, or 100 people read it, it is still here. I will never be the next dooce or Real Live Preacher, I'm just here writing crap that half the time makes no sense, and every time shows what an ass I am. Abraham Lincoln once said,

"It is better to remain silent be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and
remove all doubt."

And I am starting to think that I'm removing doubt everyday, and that I should maybe just put this all on hold for awhile.

Fashion Week

I hate it when that happens, don't you?

Marathon Man

I watched Marathon Man today. What an interesting movie. I'm not sure I totally understood all of it, and in the end it just sort of stopped. There was some closure, but there wasn't any of the fallout that I was hoping to understand. A side thing about the movie was Dustin Hoffman's character was a runner. Movies like that make me want to be a runner. I don't think I could really be a runner, I don't have the ability to run through pain and distraction. I think I focus too much on that. Whenever I start running it only lasts about a week, and I'm back on the couch.

Good Intentions

I didn't get anything done that I had planned on getting done - but I did get to do some things I needed to do.

Sledding

I hate my new sled

Snow Sucess

Finally a snow day success. I did go to work today, but then came home around 11. The snow is deep, and grand!!! Anyway, hoping for a little sledding today.

Saw this movie this weekend. I enjoyed it thoroughly. This is what happens when a musical meets the real world. I laughed hard - mostly because when Disney meets real life it doesn't quite work.

Sleep

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
-Shakespeare

No one I know died today . . . but this just seemed like something to mark.

Doctors

Some doctors are not really as smart as the coat makes them out to be. If you aren't going to use common sense, then just bypass being a doctor that cares for my family members. I would rather a doctor actually look at a family member before saying that they don't need to stay in the hospital, rather than send them home without ever once setting eyes on them or their new chart information. It isn't the first time either, which makes me even madder.

Singin' In The Rain