New York, New York

Blogging - Despair.com

Hair today, gone tomorrow

So yesterday I promised you a Thanksgiving wrap up and some big news. Being that the news is HUGE I will keep that for last and you can scroll down if you want to jump ahead.

Thanksgiving was great! Turkey and mash potatoes for everyone! If you know me well you know I love mashed potatoes. Love them so much that I will risk my health to eat them. Doesn't that sound so dramatic? Really I don't risk my health to eat them, but they are really on the "do not eat" list I made earlier this year when I was battling my elbow trouble. Now that I don't punish my body everyday by simply going to work I don't have the elbow trouble so, in turn, I ate mashed potatoes. Did I mention they are my favorite . . . well that and deviled eggs - and I had plenty of those as well. Got to see my family and spend a couple of days with them, and was also able to introduce them to a friend of mine that they have been wanting to meet. I am very thankful for my family (those I saw and those I didn't get to see) mostly because they have and still are there for me every step of the way, no matter what crazy decisions I make. So it is just good to spend some time with them.

So the BIG NEWS! I got my hairs cut. All of them. I went from this:

To this:

Not really, I did this:
There are times where I wish I had the guts to do the other picture, mainly because I think Sigourney Weaver is so cool in the Alien movies. But I don't think I can pull it off. Anyway all that hair went to Locks of Love. Took me 18 months to grow it and in the last month or two it really hasn't grown at all, so I think 10" is my limit. As you know, I don't really care about my hair. Never have. Hair is just that, hair. It will grow back . . . unless you are a bald man and in that case if you've got it flaunt it, in my opinion. But I did have some anxiety when she took that first cut on Friday. At that point there was no going back unless I wanted to have half my head short and half long. I haven't quite decided if I like it or not - but it is growing on me (pun intended). I do use a lot less shampoo and it dries so much quicker.

So that's the big news. And you thought it was going to be something cooler. In my life there is nothing cooler. But I did spare you from a video blog, and that is a calendar day.

Tidings

This is really just to tide you over while you wait for my Thanksgiving recap. BIG announcement coming in the coming episode. Also, I may not video blog . . . the rambling, oh the humanity!

I think I have decided I just really like to hear myself talk

A Little Bit Country

For reasons I'm not going to get into in this particular post, I have started to listen to more country music. I enjoy Taylor Swift, all be it she sings a lot about high school stuff (maybe because she just started high school . . . I kid, she just finished). Anyway, I didn't catch her on SNL, but I did get to see some highlights. While I wanted her to totally call out Kanye, at the same time I didn't, I wanted her to be the bigger person. But that didn't detract from the fact I wanted her to call him out. So I think she toook the right road on this one . . . walking down the middle of the two.

Addie Speaks Out

Hot off the presses

And no, the rice didn't work out. That wonderful smell suddenly turned out to be like 1,000, 103 cigarettes in about .5 seconds.

Relationship

Can any one else relate? Or is this just me?

Marathon (Wo)man

Breaking Point

I took a break from Sleeping At Last to listen to Owl City. Got a post today on Facebook that Sleeping At Last has a new video out - so now I am breaking from Owl City to listen to Sleeping At Last:

http://www.purevolume.com/sleepingatlast/videos/86443/Green+Screens

My New Pad

Figured out some video stuff. Huzzah for me!

Miracle

I forgot about this movie. Now I have to go watch it.

Are there wires touching that aren't supose to?

This is one of those times when I think there is something terribly wrong with me. I don't mean physically (though there are some arguments there but I won't go into that right now), I mean mentally. I just took a test in about 15 minutes - the rest of the class is still going strong 20 minutes later. It was a full 10 minutes before the second person turned the test in. Was it hard and I didn't know it? Did I read the questions wrong? Did I not figure the probability of getting just the grade I wanted? The kicker - I took it TWICE before turning it in because it really only took me about 7 minutes. I got to the end of the test and I thought maybe that I missed something - didn't. OH!!!, and I counted all those I'm pretty sure I got right vs. those wrong (4 pts for every right answer, -2 for all wrong, 0 for any unanswered) to make sure I wasn't going to fail the test. And here I sit. 3 of us are done and we have to wait for the class to start (3 hour class - test plus two hours of lecture to come). Same thing on my statistics test last week. Took me almost the whole class time, but I was one of the first 6 to turn it in, and I would bet he was having to pick up tests from people who were not done when time was up. Ecology - similar too. I have never been one that can sit and think about it all day long, if I don't know the answer I have to move on or I freak myself out. If I do know the answer then I have to move on or I will talk myself out of that answer and then I am just a mess. The weird thing is I am a terrible test taker, and I think I have developed this speed process to help me. Does it help, or is it hurting me.

I have been blogging a lot lately about my time here. What? You haven't seen any blogs in over a week? Well that is because they are videos that never got on the site because they don't work right. The picture and the sound don't match and it is driving me crazy. So, you don't have videos, you are glad, I am sad, and so I haven't written because I have about 5 videos on my hardrive that won't load. I may make it through the semester, but it is touch and go most days. I'm trying to remember that I was not thrown in the deep end just so God could watch me drown, he put me here and is treading water next to me helping me keep my head above water.

Still have 20 minutes left on the test, 5 are finished (including me) 4 still left. I hope they get done in time. What are they doing?

Mystery blogger: Wants vs. Needs . . . go!

HA!!!

Evolution

I have been studying the last couple of days for my Ecology test that is coming up tomorrow. My time doesn't really seem to be my own anymore, and what free time I do have I don't spend by myself, so the time I spend studying I want to be doing anything but . . . but I digress (those are all things I am working out and getting more successful by the day).

So in Ecology there is big talk about evolution. While I agree with the idea that evolution happens over time in all organisms (like invertebrates that have adapted to the higher concentrations of Iron and Zinc in creeks where that is a high runoff pollution) I don't agree with the idea put best by Dr. Frankenstein:

"From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the
sea and shouted to the cold stars, 'I am man.', our greatest dread has always
been the knowledge of our mortality."
-Young Frankenstein (1974)

We even watch the Planet Earth videos in class. They are magnificent. Showing how everything works together. How each degree of temperature effects migration, food foraging, and mating. How could that be an accident? Just my short rant for the day.

The other rant being, I made a video last week that truly captured the moment and it won't load correctly. I have tried several times on several different days on several different video presentation websites with no success. Truly a classic that will not be seen, and that makes me upset.

narcissist

It was determined yesterday that I was a narcissist. It is a badge I wear proudly . . . judging from the rambling video I made yesterday.

Prayers for the People #2

That I would live my life from an eternal perspective.

This topic was hard to nail down with Brother Lawrence, mostly because that is basically the theme of his ENTIRE book. The idea of practicing the presence of God boils down to living the here and now not thinking so much about the here and now, but focusing on God and what he wants to accomplish through us here and forever. Paul also speaks from an eternal perspective in Philippians 1:18-26. While in prison he was writing the people of Philippi asking for prayer as well as telling them about the hope he has in the future.

So here are some of the highlights on the idea of an eternal perspective from Brother Lawrence:

• He (Brother Lawrence) showed ups how, at any moment and in any circumstance, the soul that seeks God may find Him, and practice the presence of God.
• That he expected hereafter some great pain of body or mind; that the worst that could happen to him was to lose that sense of God which he had enjoyed so long. But that the goodness of God assured him he would not forsake Him utterly . . . and therefore he feared nothing.
• And it was observed that in the greatest hurry of business in the kitchen, he still preserved his recollection and heavenly-mindedness.
• "Let us think often that our only business in this life is to please God, and that all besides is but folly and vanity."
• ". . . offer to God a sacrifice of perfect worship in this life, as we hope to do through eternity."

While reading on this I did a quick Google search (they are everywhere) of Eternal Perspective. I found this link: http://bradbeaman.wordpress.com/2007/09/27/how-to-keep-an-eternal-perspective/ . It was a good article about the Philippians verse, going in great detail about it's message, as well as a look at a few quotes from Jim Elliott.

I'm Still Jenny From The Block

There are several aspects to this move that have been life changing for me. I mean, all moves are change right? Even when I moved from one house with one roommate to another house with two there were major changes that took effect.

In the midst of small changes, like address, and Skyping, and dog walking, there have been some huge changes like friends, overall location, and school. But I'm still Jenny from the block. No matter where I go I know where I came from.

The major change I want to talk about today is the change of school. Why? Well because it is a HUGE change.

1. Reading. I have never had to do this much reading in my life. OK, it was always assigned, but no one cared if you read it or not. Now they do. Not only do they want you to read it, they want you to remember what you read and be able to debate it/and or critique it regularly. I know, I should have been doing that in my undergrad, but when you are reading the history of landscape architecture, you just need dates and names - skimming is completely possible. Understanding complex concepts, laws, and ecological regulations . . . oh, and reading all the pros and cons on environmental policy, or terms; that is what is taking the time. And when was the last time you read a statistics book? A show of hands? That is what I thought. Just try to read that in the library without falling asleep and drooling all over page 13.
2. Homework. Homework is not new. I spent my fair share of time in the studio working on projects during my undergrad. I also spent quite a bit of time sitting at home working on papers, etc. But this homework is different, it is the reading (see 1) and it may not be due until the end of the semester. Or, my favorite, you are given statistics homework - but instead of just having to do the problems you get to write little essays about every problem. Why you came up with that answer, why it is important, and what it is used for. AND, while you are at it, why don't you teach yourself a statistical program to help do the work for you. What? You mean you don't know dos? Well I guess you will have to read this manual to help find some obscure command.
3. Thinking outside the box. For those of you who actually know me, I am an in the box thinker. I go with what works. Here that is thrown out the window. No one tells you what to write about, they just want you to write. And the goals! Oh the goals. What are your goals? What are you going to do to achieve your goals? What are the goals of your goals? If your goals met and fell in love what kind of goal children would they have?
4. Knowing how to cut through the BS. I don't have that one figured out yet. But my Issues in Environmental Sustainability class is full of it. Books upon books of people talking with an agenda. EVERYONE has an agenda. But what are the facts? Well you have to cut through all the rhetoric to find them. How do you do that in a piece that is totally slanted one way that they are using their bias to hide the facts. It is like the last presidential election all over again. At least my professor wants to hear all sides, and give validity to each argument. After all, that is how we learn and grow from one another. I just wish more people felt that way instead of automatically telling me I was wrong after voicing my opinion instead of listening to it, taking from it what is valid and moving on. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
5. Avoidance. I am an avoid-er (I realize this is really BIG NEWS). The more difficult it becomes the less I want to work on it. So after an hour of statistics (during my 3 hour statistics marathon) where the teacher starts to sound like he is not speaking English, I shut down. I think about my day, my friends, my other homework, or the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? African or European, I don't care. I also spend vast amounts of time thinking about the woods, playing with my dog, reading Aldo Leopold, and blogging (as evidence of the 2 video posts . . . 3 if you count the trashed one). The daily crossword has been reintroduced at my peril.

What is sustainable for me? That has been a big topic in my Environmental Sustainability class (obviously). But it means more than just for the environment, or for our lives, but for you in this time of life. Getting all A's and being at the top of the class and working my life away on a thesis is not sustainable for me. I can't go without friends, or time to just sit and stare off into space, or go and be with God (both in church and out), or sit in the woods and contemplate Aldo Leopold's ideas about nature and Psalm 104. So is sustainability getting B's, seeing friends, and blogging every once and awhile? Is it taking this many hours at a time? Sustainability, something to think about.

Vimeo is my new friend

For now Vimeo is my new friend. They were able to upload a video correctly today so for now they are my player of choice. I tend to look at Vimeo as being for more serious video people, but I figured they might have room for a hack like me.

First Vimeo from Katie Morgan on Vimeo.

Katie is irritated

I am irritated. Irritated because I have done a post or two and they won't load correctly. I did a video blog last night that will not load. It is in sync on my computer, but when I upload it it is all out of whack. So, lucky you, you don't have to watch me bumble around again. If I ever get it figured out I'm sure I will be posting them. Mostly because I blog more when I do the videos because it is easier to hit record to talk about what is going on than to sit down and write. I'm sure after a time it would be back to how it is with the written postings and I would put too much thought into them and then they don't get written because I feel like I have to have a topic or theme or be funny or be serious . . . something.

So things here are going alright for now. I am a bit overwhelmed by my statistics class. I had an hour long rant about it last night. I'm sure my new friends are really excited to have me here when I do things like that. Oh, and some of the old because it will trickle down to them too. I have more to say about masters programs (or at least my masters program) in a later post. I know how promises go with me, so it is all up in the air.

My mind is full, but I will be running later tonight so that will help. Monday was like a breath of fresh air for my soul when I went running after class. It sustained me until about 7:30 last night when I was in the middle of my statistics class. When it sounded like a foreign language I knew I had pretty much reached the end of my sustainability.

Let's Go to the Movies

It's really no secret, I love me some movies. In the past year that has changed some. I still love movies, but I just don't take them so seriously. It is ok not to like one, and it is ok that someone else might not want to watch it. Right now I have little time for movies, but that is alright too. Anyway, a friend of mine sent me this and I decided to share. It is a great look at how far movies have really come. I got a good dose of movie history a few years back, but this was a good reminder. The music is fun too.

none

no title today. mostly because i am just lazy, probably won't spell check or take the time to press the shift key either. i have a class that starts in 25 minutes so i thought i would take a bit of time and write to you.

i don't know about you, but my video made me laugh . . . out loud. not because it was funny, or i am funny, but because i learned so much about myself. i guess i saw what everyone else sees when they talk to me - and that was hilarious. i have always known i don't stay on topic, and i jump around a lot, but what i didn't realize about myself are the little asides that i do on a regular basis. i have caught myself doing it since then, so that means i have been doing it a lot. someone even told me that they just like standing next to me to listen to the asides i give that i think no one hears. i guess i thought i was thinking them - apparently i was doing more than just thinking them.

long weekend behind me now. just have to make it through these next 4 and some change days to get to a three day weekend. i'm hoping to have it together enough to take at least one of those days and do no school work. i think at least a hike is in order, if not a full on overnight camping trip.

i got to the bottom of my tired state. well i have narrowed it down to one or more of the following factors:

• no running in 16 days (hopefully fixing that by joining the running club)
• eating out more, and eating more processed foods again
• depression (change does that to me)
• stress

my lack of time that i spend studying is my own fault. the problem is that i really don't want to limit the time i am spending on other things. i will have to start saying no, and that is always a problem, especially when i am trying to make new friends.

i have been doing quite a bit of reading for my issues in environmental sustainability class and i have one question: how to you cut through all the B.S.? everyone in this world has an agenda. so how to you learn to figure out the difference between their agenda and the facts? i'm still trying to figure that one out, mostly because i don't like agendas which is why i stay out of debates and remain neutral. maybe the ignorance was bliss for me, and now i am going to have to start making some decisions.

truck is in the shop again. 3rd time in 3 weeks. it is exciting for me to have these problems right now. but i have it easy compared to some people i know right now. and to them i say: keep after it, i'm behind you praying because that is the only thing i know how to do, and even that i don't do very well.

Lord I Was Born A Ramblin' (wo)Man

When I said the strip in St. Louis I meant Stillwater. I do that a lot, interchange the two. Probably because I forget where I am a lot.

Prayers for the People: #1

That I would love God more and myself less

I don't know about you, but this screams John 3:30 right after John the Baptist says he is not the Christ but, "He (meaning Jesus) must become greater; I must become less." Shouldn't that really be our goal as followers, to become less? I love God quite a bit. But I don't know that I can say that I love Him more than myself. I am usually putting what I want in front of what He wants. In the end that usually puts me in a bad spot, and He always comes through for me somehow, and then the cycle starts all over again.

Brother Lawrence has a lot to say about loving God more than yourself. I mean, the guy embodied the idea of constantly living in the presence of God. As a cook he prayed this:

"Lord of all posts and pans and things . . .
Make me a saint by getting meals
And washing up the plates!"

This guy was serious about living his life for God and with God. There are over 13 places in his book (so he didn't write all of it, most was written by people after they talked to him, or worked with him) where he talks about the love he has for God and how that makes everything else in life pale in comparison. I am just going to pick a few:

• He (Brother Lawrence) had always been governed by love, without selfish views; and that having resolved to make the love of God the end of all his actions, he had found reasons to be well satisfied with his method.
• Our only business was to love and delight ourselves in God.
• I renounced, for the love of Him, everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world.
• Believe me, count as lost each day you have not used in loving God.

He was pretty serious about his love of God. How often do I look at loving God as the goal, or the end, of my actions and day? Here we go with the cycle again.

Prayers for the People: Intro

I have returned to the heart land, if that is what you want to call Oklahoma. You know what? The rumors are true, they are all cowboys down here. Well not everyone, but there are quite a few. I have seen a lot of cowboy boots, belt buckles, and cowboy hats . . . and I guess that makes me feel right at home.

I am starting a small series called Prayers for the People - the title being a rip off of the card given to me as I walked into church last Sunday. There are 7 prayers, so there will be 7 entries. I may get them done soon, or it may be Christmas before they are all finished - I don't know.

In Ephesians chapter 1, Paul talks about his prayers for the people of Ephesus:

"For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your
love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you,
remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and
revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your
heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has
called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his
incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of
his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the
dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule
and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only
in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under
his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is
his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."

From that leader's prayer, the pastor of my (like how I say my church as if I have been going there for years) church decided that they would pray 7 things for the people:

1. That we would love God more and ourselves less.
2. That we would live our lives from an eternal perspective.
3. That we would recognize the difference between soothing our consciences by doing good works and honoring God through sacrificial obedience
4. That we would model authentic Jesus-centered community that would inspire others to want to be a part of us.
5. That we would never be satisfied where our lives are but pursue God's vision of what our lives could be.
6. That we would eagerly embrace the truth, regardless of the cost
7. Though all of these actions are encouraged and expected, we would never manipulate or manufacture discipleship or good works; rather they would flow naturally from our transformed hearts as we submit to and rely on the Spirit.

I approached this the way I approach anything - with a formula, or trying to look at it with a step by step plan. What I quickly learned (actually already knew) is that you can't approach something like this with a formula. For some reason God doesn't fit into my formulas. So, I need to read the Bible and I wanted to re-read The Practice of the Presence of God with Spiritual Marxisms by Brother Lawrence. So by using verses and thoughts from Brother Lawrence I will come up with each entry. Still too formula, but it works for now. The entries may be bullet lists, they may be actual paragraphs (maybe even 5 paragraph essay style), or they may be a mixture of the two - I haven't thought that far ahead.

I Know . . .

I know that I say a lot of things, things that I will do on my blog or in life and then rarely follow up on them. Anyone remember the unfinished blog entries I was going to finish? They still aren't finished. As a mater of fact, I went through a few weeks ago and deleted them. I did that because I didn't want it hanging over me any more, so I got rid of them. Don't like how I operate? Well, neither do I sometimes.

Anyway, Flickr has been updated! I told you I would, and as you know I always do what I say I'm going to do . . . wait a minute.

Also, the first of seven blogs about something I heard at church last week is coming up. Did you ever doubt? As for the rest of the seven I think they will be harder than the first. The first was pretty much a gimme and the rest are a little harder. Anyway, that is coming up too.

As for my life here in Stillwater, what can I really say. It is hot, I dislike running alone, I have my dog back, I start work tomorrow for a few hours, school starts Monday, and all my parental units have officially been here to wish me well. After my dad left today I got sad again remembering that I am basically here alone. I am making friends . . . well one friend, but that is all I'm going to say about that.

School Daze

I haven't really posted or added any photos to my Flickr account recently. Mostly because I have been in transition for a few weeks. Before the move I had cables in boxes and things in disarray. Now the excuse is there is no internet at my apartment and . . . things are in disarray. Hopefully the internet problem will be solved on Friday (sometime between the hours of 8:00am and 8:00pm - what a window, thank you AT&T).

I have been working on a series of blog posts about something that I heard at church on Sunday. At this point it will take 7 weeks to complete it all due to the way I am approaching it. I don't claim that they will be brilliant, probably more bulleted lists of some thoughts about the 7 topics covered on Sunday. Started #1 yesterday afternoon before the AWESOME STORM that ripped through Stillwater. After finishing I was without power for about 3 hours - no packing happened during the outage . . . I use a lot of excuses.

Got my class schedule all figured out finally. Unfortunately the other class I have enrolled in only has an open section at night. So on Tuesday from 6:45 to 9:60 I will be taking Statistical Methods (grad level stat). I don't remember undergrad level stat, so I'm not sure how this is all going to work out. I officially start working on Thursday . . . I may try to bump that up to Wednesday due to my Friday marathon of internet waiting. Everything is shaping up to be . . . interesting. Still not sure how it is all going to work out time, money, and mentally - but it will.

This looks like fun

Identity

This is going to sound rather odd coming from me, but I think I am in the middle of an identity crisis. More than sounding odd, it sounds melodramatic.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come! 2 Cor 5:17

You would think that my identity crisis had something to do with becoming a student in about a month, or the fact that I'm uprooting from Missouri to become an Oklahoman again - but it doesn't. It has to do with what I do with my free time. Yea, that is what I said, my free time.

First there is this whole movie person I am . . . or was. The last movie I saw was Get Smart, it was late June just a week or two before my fast. The next movie I saw was Julie and Julia (pre-release) on Thursday. My guess is that there were around 384 days in between those two. I saw them both in a theater, the same theater to be exact. Nothing in the physical setting changed, the seats were the same, the smell was the same, the popcorn was the same. Get Smart was fine. Not the best movie to send me off on my journey, and not worth the $7, but whatever. Julie and Julia was great. Good acting, good stories, great way they wove the two lives together, worth $7 (even though I didn't pay it) . . . but I walked away a little distracted. Pride told me to keep going with the no movies and TV thing for as long as I could. Keep up the intrigue that it brings when you tell people what you are doing (or in my case not doing). But I found that I really don't care one way or another if I watch a movie or not. So what does that even mean? I don't care? Since when do I not CARE ABOUT THAT? Before last year I was doing this thing to do a little detox (or at least that is what I told myself). I actually did it to be different, to give people something to balk at. what I didn't expect was to be sitting in my car after my first movie in a year wondering why I didn't really care that I saw it or not. I loved the movie, I just felt it was so temporary. Temporary? The word temporary actually crossed my mind. While a year ago I would have waited on pins and needles waiting for it to come out on DVD so I could add it to my ever growing DVD collection (which now only has about 10 movies in it . . . 120 ish down to 10). Last July The Dark Knight came out. To refresh your memory I actually considered putting off my last year's journey until AFTER this movie came out simply because I wanted to see it so badly. I had been wanting to see it since January and was bummed when they pushed back the release date, and was beside myself wondering what would become of me, the only person on the planet who didn't see it. I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people who didn't see it, but in my world (where I am the center) there was really only one other person I knew that didn't watch it. I had to endure two months of hype by friends, and acquaintances as they talked about the movie, asked me if I saw it, and when I said, "no," listen as they went on to tell me I JUST HAD TO SEE IT! After a bit of that I forgot the movie even came out. I FORGOT IT EVEN EXISTED? Now I am in turmoil. I know what I will be getting myself into when I watch it. I know it will be over the top evil, and probably over the top awesome . . . but I can't say I will see it. And to me that is a bit of a loss, but also SO TEMPORARY. I still can't believe I am using the word temporary.

Second way I am struggling with my identity is this whole running thing. I once said I would never be a runner. You can quote me on that because I posted it right here a year or so ago. March of 2008 to be exact. No, I love running. I'm not good at it, but the more I run the better I get. I have improved from terrible to bad. My identity problem? I'm a runner! When? Why? The other day I found myself saying I ran an easy 2 miles! I don't ever really expect to win any races. I know by saying that that I will never win any races and I should just focus on doing the best I can do, and if the wind is blowing just right I will be in place to take it. (paraphrase of Bill Bowerman). Another identity problem I have with running is that to this point I have been a runner with someone else. Someone else who has pushed me to run faster, run farther, and actually show up to run. This week I have been solo. It went fine the first run. It hasn't gone so well the last two. I think it may have something to do with an injury I think is creeping up on me (but if I don't give it credence then it WILL NOT EXIST!), but I know part of it is the lack of another body running in time with me. I can't look out of the corner of my eye and watch them slow down to stay with me - in turn making me speed up to stay with them. I look out of the corner of my eye and see gravel. I know I will probably find someone to run with again - at least sometimes, but it won't be the same. Yes, I do have a case of PMS (Poor Me Syndrome). The last identity problem - what if I don't continue running after I move. I think I will loose a bit of myself if I don't. Running is a good leveler of emotions, problems, and issues. Heaven only knows that I am entering emotions, problems, and issues. I find myself going to bed at night thinking, "I should take a little run to calm myself down." Sometimes I do. Most times I don't, but what will I do if I don't go running - somehow drinking doesn't seem like a suitable alternative.

So there you have it, my identity crisis. Is it counselor worthy? Nope. But just getting it out of my head and on paper makes it manageable. Why did I open with a verse? Because I think all of these changes are happening because I have made myself open to changing from the One who can actually do the changing.

I think I will go out for a little jog now, to stretch out before my race tomorrow. Who knows, I just might finish well. By the way, my number is 99 (and I just talked about Get Smart).

Out of the Woods

If you are reading this from my actual blog page you may have noticed some changes going on here at Sarcastic and Single (or Where is my Couch depending on when you joined us). One thing is, it is no longer black and EMO (not my words). Let's be honest, when I started out last year I was EMO - now that that has been cleared up let's move on. So starting off this year I changed things up a bit. New header, new colors, and new writers (OK, that started before). The Flicker bar stays the same and so far I haven't thought of anything worthy enough for a poll. And just to clear some things up, I didn't write the last two posts. They are WAY too good to be from me.

So, the new title (for now) states, "you are never really out of the woods." Depending on how you look at that it could be a glass half empty, a glass half full sort of thing. How do I want you to look at it? I don't really care. What attitude did I use when writing it? I don't really know. I guess my attitude was ambiguous. Let's look at both sides shall we? We shall.

Glass Half Empty:
The term "out of the woods" is defined by GoEnglish.com as: when you emerge safely (out of danger) after a difficult time we say that you are "out of the woods." So my banner might be saying you are never really out of danger. You are always on the verge of something bad, even if you just go out of the previous down time. But really, isn't that how life really is sometimes. I'm not talking about this in a bad way, I'm just saying even when the chips are down you have to find the joy, but you aren't really out of the woods.

Glass Half Full:
I really like the woods. And I think a part of me stays there. The woods give me something to look forward to, and something to remember. So in a sense the optimistic way of looking at it would be to say - I may not be in the woods at this very moment, but remember that time I was, and can you even wait until we go again?

You decide how you want to look at it. I look at it and see something beautiful, ambiguous, and full of thought. Kind of like me.

An Elegant Sufficiency: Part Two

I have a confession to make. I don’t really believe that the Bible is true. I do believe that it is the inspired word of God, that it is all truth, but I don’t really believe it. Throughout my life, God has often impressed on my Jeremiah 29:11: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Now, I’ve gone to church my whole life. I’ve believed that God is all-powerful and can do anything. Yet somehow I have a hard time believing that this includes my life. Does God really mean it when He says that He loves me? Do I really believe that His plans are good, even if they don’t meet my timetable? Surely all this delayed gratification means that he has forgotten? Yet I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that most of the troubles I go through in life are meant to show me that God is trustworthy and good, because He hasn’t failed me yet. So why should I fret about being one-half of a couple or just one? As Paul so succinctly states in the Message version of 1 Corinthians 7:17, “Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.” That doesn’t even remotely smell like desperation.

I’m also fairly certain that marriage is not, as it says in the Ingrid Michaelson song, about putting “the lonely on the shelf.” I have noticed over the years that my married friends still feel out of place, discontent, and even lonely at times, just like they did before they got married, and just like I do now. Maybe it’s not as sharp if you’re with someone else, I don’t really know, but that loneliness is still mine alone to deal with. Because no person can fill that aching core of my soul that reminds me that I am not yet whole, that my home is somewhere else, and I cannot yet know and love perfectly the One who loves me best. If I really get honest with myself, I think I would freak out if that painful longing went away, anyway. Sometimes it’s the most tangible proof of God’s existence in my life, and I’m suspicious that I’d be lost without it.

Everything became clear in one instant, just the other day. I overheard a conversation between a mother and her young son. She had accidentally grabbed two packets of coloring pages when she only wanted one. “Why can’t we have both?” her son asked. She paused for a moment, then stated “Because I believe that one is an elegant sufficiency.” Everything clicked in my mind at once. An elegant sufficiency! What a lovely phrase! “No longer,” I declared in my head, “will I be known by a term that smacks of desperation and/or lack! I will not be single! With Christ, I am an elegant sufficiency!” After all, “my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19).” I’m pretty sure that means that God will supply everything. It doesn’t mean that I don’t need or want other people in my life, it says that I am confident that God is with me and sovereign at this moment in my life, and it is good. Am I still tempted to whine? Heck yes! Do I still want to get married? Yes, but only if and when God chooses. I would encourage you to start looking to see what sort of provisions God has made for your elegant sufficiency, wherever you are in life, instead of pining away over what you think you lack. You might be surprised by what you find.

An Elegant Sufficiency: Part One

I never really categorized myself as a single until I was in my late 20’s. I mean, I certainly wasn’t married, and didn’t even date all that much, but I never felt single. Singleness, I always assumed, meant that you were lacking something in your life and therefore were not complete. I had no spouse; therefore I should have been pining away with longing for someone, right? But I didn’t pine. I was fine being where I was in life, and was in no rush to tie the knot. Therefore I was just me. Yeah, I was unmarried, but I wasn’t single.

When I hit the latter part of my 20’s, I started thinking that it was possible that life could be more enjoyable if I had someone to serve and share it with. Since all my friends were married or spread out all over the world, it naturally led me to realize that marriage can be a building block for community. I mean, your spouse will never leave you unless they die, right? Marriage started to sound more attractive. And then I panicked. Did that make me a “single”? Was I now incomplete, a left-over, one of the ones who didn’t get chosen when everyone else was picking teams? Did I miss the deadline? I have to admit that although I had always been fairly level-headed and intellectual about the dating and mating process (God does everything in His time, right?), these new realizations and longings kind of threw me into a panic for awhile. I did NOT want to be single. Socially awkward, fifth-wheelish, desperate, thinking only about how lonely I was. Because that’s the stereotype, right? And really, that’s kind of how you get treated by married folks sometimes. You catch pitying stares once in awhile, and when making new acquaintances, it’s almost like you have to list your excuses for not being married YET.

In my mind, I thought that being single would take over my whole life. And I’ve seen that it can, really. There are people who are obsessed with finding the “right” one to spend the rest of their lives with. They date constantly, always talk about the opposite sex, or complain bitterly about their married friends and how they don’t have time for them or hurt their feelings on a regular basis. They discuss the wisdom of various dating techniques—the blind date, speed dating, internet dating. They worry about their appearance, their income, and their vehicles, always wanting to give the “right” impression, just in case “he” or “she” could show up unexpectedly and be wildly attracted to them because of their shoe brand or the appearance of their toenails. These people seem to think that marriage is a right, like freedom of speech or freedom to bear arms, and the idea of finding a mate consumes their lives.

If we listen to what the world says, even the Christian world sometimes, we might believe that singles are doomed to a perpetual adolescence—we cannot achieve true maturity without a mate. We could believe that we have to be the “right” kind of person before we can attract Mr. or Ms. Right. Or that there is only one right person out there for everyone, and if you happen to be looking the other direction when you pass him or her on the sidewalk one day, you totally lose out. Media tells us constantly that only the most beautiful are truly worthy of love and desire. And the music we hear on the radio, pumped willingly into our brains through our ipods, or everywhere, really, can often remind us that loneliness is the worst thing in the world and that we need to avoid it at all costs.

I have to admit that I have at one time or another, fallen prey to almost all of these lies and noxious behaviors. Bitterness, complaining, despair, anxiety, and hopelessness have all accompanied me at times on this journey of discovering desire. I didn’t know what to do with my longing. If I want something, I should have it, right? But when I started to sift through the maelstrom of thoughts and impressions that I was dealing with, I started to notice something interesting—all of it was about me—what I needed to do or hadn’t done, and who would make me feel good about myself. I was worried that I had missed something, that I wasn’t attractive enough, that I should be married so that I could be happy. Obviously, I had not been paying any attention at all during all my hours at church, reading the Bible, and praying. Who is life about anyway? Me? Heck no! In Colossians, Paul very explicitly explains what all this Jesus business is about:

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. . .For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross (Colossians 1:15-17,19-20).”

Okay, well, that puts me in my place. I was created by Him and for Him; therefore, that makes my life about Whom, exactly? Yeah, I didn’t think it was me, either. Really, I didn’t. And did you notice the part that says, “. . . in him all things hold together”, and that through the death of Jesus he “reconcile[d] to himself all things”? That’s kind of a big deal—it means that Jesus holds the world together, holds my heart, my mind, and my future. And he brings his peace and reconciliation! How great is that!

Home Again

Been in and out of the city as of late, and now I'm back in for good . . . until I leave again at the end of July . . . then I'm back again for a week . . . then I'm gone again until a date to be determined by my school schedule and my work load.

I feel a need to reorganize the blog. The old masthead and page didn't jive anymore with what I am doing now, so I'm working on that (mostly in my head). So for now you get a pretty much blank page with my blog title and entries. While I am not a fan of puking, I do love that green!

30, flirty, and thriving

This is today's status, and blog post title. I turned 30 today so I chose an obscure movie reference to describe my day. So you may be asking yourself, "how has she really changed over her life time?" Well, I will show you. I don't have any 1 year birthday pictures here at my house, but I do have this one . . . my guess is 9:

And now (on my birthday trip to NYC):
Look closely. Do you see it? I'm THE EXACT SAME (minus the watermelon shorts and the hair length).



For those of you who have followed for very long I do a year end review on my birthday. Last year I didn't really do one, I took up something else - a life. So instead I wrote about a decision I made TO NOT WATCH TV OR MOVIES FOR A YEAR. Well, times up. When I read the entry I laughed . . . a lot. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I'm not going to talk about what I gave up, I'm going to talk about what I got (in no particular order).

1. Contentment. It was hiding under all the media. It is an amazing gift, one that can get taken back, but when you have it there is a calm that I can't explain. A calm that says, "you are fine, you will make it JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."
2. Running. Now, not so much a gift like contentment. It is more work. This was a late coming phenomenon to the year (I think I started in March/April). There are days where it is the only thing that I feel like doing. While I was in NYC I was overcome with the desire to run part of Central Park . . . but I couldn't. Ran a 5K at the end of May, looking at running an 8K middle of July. Where did that come from? All I could really think about doing today was going for a birthday run, but instead I took a nap. I traded a run for the greater good. You might say I took the lazy way out, which is pretty typical for me, but I haven't slept well since going camping and I knew that if I didn't get a nap I would snap and rip peoples heads off and spit down their neck. So you see, the greater good.
3. Closer friends. Instead of sitting around watching TV or going out for a movie we had to DO something. That doing developed closer friendships to those I was already close to and closer friendships with those I hadn't really expected to grow closer to.
4. Peace. Not the same as contentment. When things go wrong, I don't freak out. Well I have the last couple of days, but mostly because I am really tired.
5. A new career path. I honestly don't think I would be going back to school if I hadn't taken this time to sit and be quiet for awhile.
6. Quiet. I went camping this last weekend and I found I have this uncanny ability to just sit (sometimes for hours) and just sit. I use to do that with TV and I was just plugging stuff into my head instead of working on what was already in there and needed to be worked on.
7. Freedom. I am not dictated by TV schedules, mostly I am dictated by sun cycles. I am much freer to go do something random.

I'm not going to sit here and say I am never going to watch TV again, or that I'm not going to watch a movie (SOON), but I am saying that I don't have the connection to it that I use to. I'm not even taking a TV to school with me. I know there is more. Way more, but that is all I can think about right now - mostly because I have the attention span for internet about the size of a gnat.

Ticks Dig Me

Chicks don't dig me (as they shouldn't) but TICKS do! I lost count on the first morning of our trip on how many ticks wanted to feast on my lily white body. Lesson learned, buy the zip off pant legs - gosh! What a great time to get away and relax. Yes, it was the hottest weekend of the year so far. Yes, it was warmish. No, I didn't care.

First backpacking adventure. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. When asked I just said I was good to go so I wouldn't hear myself say out loud that I thought I might die . . . or that I wasn't quite sure because I couldn't feel anything below my neck. Am I full of drama? Yes I am. The feeling when you take a backpack off is the best feeling in the world. I think I might have been able to run to the car and back on that feeling. OK, maybe just to the car, but the bathroom was right there and I wasn't going to see that thing again for 2 days. My tent smelled like feet, but I didn't care, I was laying down.

I won't bore you with the blow by blow of the trip, other than to say it was a good learning experience, with a good and patient teacher. It was hard to come back today, only because I felt like there were more lessons to be learned. BUT, if we hadn't come back today we wouldn't have seen the man riding his burro through Farmington. Yes, that's right.

Look Ma, No Hands!

There are really no words

Moving

I am learning a lot right now - the biggest lesson: moving is more than just about leaving. While moving in my adult life it all came at times where it was expected. When I graduated from college it was natural to leave, no one else I knew was really staying around. Before that moving happened at natural transitions in life - never like this. Never where I am here one day and the next I will be gone, leaving everyone and everything behind. Life here will go on well without me. Some won't even notice I am gone until I come back for a visit. I'm not saddened by that fact. I know it has been the case when others I know have left. Life is just a bit different without them here, but life went on just fine with them gone. I struggle more with leaving behind those that I have lived life with on such a level that it will be painful to go. I don't like to need, or cry, or be vulnerable, and I will do all of those things.

Other than the application process and the general stuff of getting ready to go to grad school, I have struggled with every process. The process of looking for a place to live, getting my money figured out, packing, saying goodbye. I don't do any of them. I just live like the beginning of August will be just that, the same as the beginning of last August. If I start to go down the path of leaving I get all hung up and quit. Maybe that is why I am running so much right now (more than just the physical).

#2146

My runner number: 2146 (not that many runners, they just started the numbers at 2000)
The distance: 5K
My time: 30:30 (ish, I haven't seen the official results)

I have been running since March (??? help me out) and it has been a slow process to get me to where I am now running about an hour every other day (depending on the work I did that day and the temperature). I would like to run more, but it is getting so dang hot and my job is pretty physical. I want to say at the end of the summer I would do a half marathon - but I wonder if that is too ambitious given what my summer holds by way of transitions and changes. Either way I rand the 5K and did it in a better time than I have ever run in my whole life. A 10 minute mile is unheard of in my life - there is no hustle in this muscle, but I guess maybe I was wrong. I do have one regret - I didn't beat the purple socks girl . . . my muscle was out of hustle, or I just didn't care enough, not sure which.

Alan Alda

Went to NYC

Spent 4 days

Took tons of pictures (many of which will be un-usable)

Walked miles and miles and miles

Rode the subway every day and did so looking like a pro (even with a map in my pocket)

Many different tours, can't name them all

If I closed my eyes on the last tour I could have sworn it was being given by Alan Alda

it would be confusing

Too Much

I have just realized that I am doing too many things at once. Not in life (that is debatable), but currently on my computer. I have iTunes open (but not listening . . . ponder that one a bit), working in Word, in Photoshop, Blogger is open, and flickr is loading. Can I truly give my full attention to any of the above mentioned programs if I am working on them all at once. Granted a few of them are open for the same reason, but goodness me that is a lot.

I, personally, have been on a blog hiatus. Not because I don't like blogging, or because I don't like any of you that read the blog - I just don't have anything all that interesting to say (nor do I ever). I fear that I have become . . . boring. Granted I may have more to say the closer I get to my move to Oklahoma, but all in all this life change has just made me shut my mouth a little bit. I don't think the blog has been helped much by my job. A place where I can go and be alone with my thoughts for 8 hours a day and so I don't really need to talk about them much. Yes, I have said this all before - and I will shut up about it. But that is the real reason I asked someone else to write a bit. I hoped it would give me time to think of something on my own, or at least spur me on to write. It did neither, but it did give me a chance to beg them to write some more.

The Long Wait: Part the Last

So sad! Here is my final post for now ( I think!). I hope you've enjoyed the slightly different fare. And one final hint of my identity: my most tangible long-term goal right now is walking the Camino in Spain.

The Long Wait: Part the Last

The Silence of God by Andrew Peterson

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God

It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

Now, I don’t claim to know what ‘n all God is about in all this waiting business, but I’m pretty sure that some of it has to do with developing a rock solid faith. I’ve noticed that the longer a time of waiting goes on, the more God reveals to me how useless my efforts are to improve myself or do things on my own. In my most painful period of waiting thus far, God took everything away from me that I thought made up who I was--my talents, my relationships, my intellect, even my ability to take care of myself. There was nothing left for me in that place but the raw knowledge that I was absolutely nothing without the love of my gracious Savior. It’s been quite a few years since I have been in that place of abject brokenness, and I can see now that it was the most loving (and painful) thing that God has ever done for me. He took away my self-reliance so that I could only rely on him. In my stubbornness, it was the only way that He could reach me.

In recent years, I have found myself in another holding pattern, waiting for the next step. I didn’t want to, but I have slowly fallen back into that place of apathy and fear of hoping, because the things I have hoped for have either not yet come to be or have been thrown back in my face. Once again, prayers have seemed to bounce off the ceiling over my head and onto the floor instead of rising to the throne of the One who loves me. God has never let me totally give up on Him, but I certainly have felt like giving up on me. Thankfully, through a series of circumstances, God has woken my heart again to His reality and His hope once again. I realized that I was putting my hope in my desires instead of Him (does anyone really understand the difference between hoping FOR and hoping IN?), and lost hold of the reality of His faithfulness and the timelessness of His purposes. I can see that part of the onerousness of waiting comes from my ingrained belief that I am what I do; I can’t DO anything about waiting, and I can’t make anything in my life happen, no matter what they tell me on TV and in self-help books. It seems that only during those times of waiting, if we rest in the silence of God’s heart, can He reveal to us what we truly are to become through His grace.

So even though waiting at the doctor’s office still cramps my style, and I still find myself getting impatient as I wait for fulfillment, I am thankful that God loves me enough to lead me here, in this moment of waiting. And I know that I'm in very good company, since all of creation "has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time (Romans 8:22)," waiting for Christ's redemption of His children. I only pray that I will learn my lessons well and rest on His grace instead of my dreams and abilities. If you, too, find yourself chafing with the pressure of waiting on God, I recommend taking the time to slow down and rest in what God has for you here in the silence. Turn off the TV, log off of Twitter and Facebook, put your ipod away, and practice some active listening. Read some Henri Nouwen or Brennan Manning, do a concordance search through your Bible on the word “wait” (there’s a lot!), and grab someone you trust to talk and pray about what waiting means to you in this moment. God will be faithful to reveal His heart to you and bring you to the place He has for you, and grant you peace along the way. And so, in the words of Larry Hein, “May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son, and Spirit.”

The Long Wait 2.1

Okay, folks. I know the suspense has been killing you. So without further ado, I present the next installment on this delightfully scintillating discourse on waiting. (And if you're still curious about me, I'll give you one more clue: in the second grade, I wished with all my heart to grow up and be a marine biologist.)

THE LONG WAIT: 2.1

. . .one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, "because you have kept My command to persevere. . .(Rev. 3:10)"
Oswald Chambers

Sometimes I feel like I have spent my entire life waiting for something. When I was a little kid, I was waiting and waiting to grow up so that I could be cool like the big kids. I waited to go to college so that my “real” life could start. I graduated from college and waited for a purpose or a goal to focus my life on. I have spent a lot of time and energy on waiting to become healthy. But mostly I’ve spent a lot of time waiting on God. Waiting for Him to change my life, me, or the people and world around me. And I can honestly say that for the most part, I’ve hated every minute of that waiting.

The thing is, waiting can feel like death, or being locked in prison. When waiting, there are expectations that are not being fulfilled, because you’re obviously waiting for something, and when that something doesn’t happen, you can start to doubt whether God really cares about what’s going on. Hope gets really hard to hold onto when it doesn’t reach any fulfillment. In Proverbs it states that, “A hope deferred makes a heart sick (13:12).” I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent a lot of time with a sick heart, waiting for things that have seemingly never happened--hopes for myself and for others. And I’ve found that the end result is apathy, bitterness, and a strong desire to not hope about anything. And a total abhorrence of waiting.

However, in latter years I’ve started to get the sneaking suspicion that I’ve got everything totally backwards. I’ve noticed that I am not alone in this business of waiting, either. It seems that all of the great Bible characters that I’ve learned about spent a fair amount of time waiting, too. Abraham waited for a son, Moses waited for a call to action from God and deliverance for his people, Joseph waited to be rescued twice, then waited for reconciliation with his family. The Israelites waited for a promised land over and over again as they were captured, returned, and captured again and again. Even Jesus had to wait thirty years to start his ministry! The exciting thing to me is that God never ever left them to wait forever (minus, of course, the generations of Hebrews who lived in exile for their disobedience, and Moses who never got to see the promised land for the same reason). He waited until the time was right, and rescued, gave, or spurred to action as He saw fit. And when the waiting got to be too much for someone and they acted of their own volition, they made stupid decisions and made God really really angry, like the Israelites at the base of the Mount Sinai (Exodus 32) worshipping the golden calf, or Saul not waiting for Samuel to give a sacrifice before a battle (1 Samuel 13). So there really must be something important to God about waiting.


Tune in next time for part three!

Irony?

Not ironing, irony. Does anyone else find it ironic that we have to wait for more of the post on waiting? When I saw that my blog had been posted to I got a little freaked out. Then I remembered - and it felt like I had someone else do my homework for me - and that felt AWESOME!

Oh, and I totally know who is writing and I'm not telling.

I accept the challenge thrown to me by answering with a meditation on the nature of waiting. If you're dying to know who I am, you'll just have to guess! I'll give one hint: My second toe is longer than all the other toes on my feet. Good luck.

As I am not near as pithy as Katie, you'll have to bear with me in installments, since nobody goes to a blog to read an essay. Unless you're me.

THE LONG WAIT: 1

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”
Psalm 37:7

I hate waiting. And I don’t use the word hate lightly here. When waiting in line at the store, my patience runs out about ten seconds after joining the end of a line. After a thirty second perusal of the tabloid covers and a thorough investigation of the check-out line fare, the tension inside of me starts to build. I shift. I covertly watch the people around me. I try to pretend that I’m totally cool with standing there doing absolutely nothing while the cashier does fifteen price-checks on baby formula ahead of me. But inside I’m getting desperate. I think of fifty other things I could be doing RIGHT NOW, all of them way more important than waiting, and begin to feel like a teakettle on the boil, ready to start screaming any minute. While I’ve never had a total breakdown waiting in line, I have sprinted out of stores on several occasions after check-out just to release the excessive tension and irritation that grips me so strongly. It often takes me a good twenty minutes or more to recover from the physical and emotional stress of waiting in line. Don’t even ask me about waiting rooms in medical offices--that’s even worse!!
If that seems absolutely ridiculous to you, you’re right. But I bet you’ve had similar experiences. Nobody in our society likes to wait. Just think about how we eat--grocery stores are filled with frozen dinners and “instant” meals to save us the pain of waiting for food to cook. Or we can go to any of a myriad choices of fast “food” (watch out, though--you might have to wait in line!!) We can’t even be patient with nature--all the ads on TV about weight loss products tout their amazingly fast results, “I lost 50 pounds in three months!!” And if you can’t even wait for the pills or diet plan or exercise routine to kick in, you can get plastic surgery and look skinny now! Everything, it seems, is designed to keep us from the horrors of waiting.


Join us next time for The Long Wait:2!

Invitation

due to my lack of blogging, i have invited a special guest to blog a bit for me. i'm not telling you who it is - they may not even take me up on the offer. it will be up to them to reveal their identity or not. all i can say about this person is that they also fall under the category of "sarcastic and single" and they have way more interesting insights on life than i do.

You can say that again

Grellon

Behind the appartments at work there is a wooded area. To strictly call it woods, because it isn't, but it is an area of trees . . . a thin strip of trees. ANYWAY, there are these kids that love to play in the wooded area, I mean, who wouldn't want to play out there, I would have TOTALLY been out there every day. Every so often I see a hut out there. It isn't really noticable because of where they build it and what the materials are, but I will catch a glimpse of one. Well Tuesday this is what we found. Not only are their huts back there, but over the weekend they (my guess is these three boys that are always running together out there and usually in the wood line) built a garden. A garden complete with planting beds, plant that they transplanted from other areas of the wooded area (and I think one or two from our transplant area behind the shop), stone lined paths, and remodeled huts.

You've been GREd

I have climbed out from under the GRE rock, so back to life as usual. I was commenting today to a friend (on our run - can you believe it, I ran today) that when I worked around a computer most of the day I would come home and get back on the computer for a long time. Now that I don't work around a computer and can only check my email about once or twice a day, I come home and check my email and pretty much walk away for the night. There could be many explanations. I have my own assumptions, you can have yours - sound like a deal?

GRE . . . not what I had planned, but it is over. I don't think my basement score will keep me out of grad school, should I decide to go, but it was pretty much an ego buster. So what do I do now? I sit around and read books. Well that is what I did all day yesterday. Today? I blog while listening to Jon Foreman. Depressing because it started on his Winter CD rather than the Spring or Summer set.

Oh that rat

Well . . .

I was over checking out Ben's new site today. Same as the old, just in a different, cooler place (I say that with a grumble because blogspot USE TO BE the cool place and now it has been usurped (bigger words because I am studying for the GRE). Anyway, on his page he has a list of blogs that he reads and mine was up there. It has been up there for awhile, even though there really isn't anything new to read here EVER! When you put your arrow over my site there is a Benesome (Ben and Awesome combined - totally just made that up and I don't think I like it) caption to go along with the title: "She is not watching TV for a year. Read all about it." That made me chuckle a bit, because I don't really talk about that much. I think the only people that have to hear much about it are the people that live with me.

I have been in countdown mode since January when I passed the six month mark - but the countdown hasn't really been that big of a deal. I'm almost to the point where watching TV or movies doesn't really matter. Sure it does on a Sunday afternoon when they are going to watch Ghost Town or something, but in the end it really doesn't matter - I just spend some more time in my room reading.

As if I wasn't already weird about society and how much I dislike the attitudes that I have embraced as being a middle class, white, sub-urban, American - this no TV thing has opened up my eyes to so many more negatives about society. Instant gratification vs. delayed gratification, the over use of sex in the media, and the pedestal we put actors and actresses on. I love instant gratification, and putting people on pedestals, and using sex to sell a hamburger - but that is so wrong. When did we go from looking at solders as heroes to forgetting their sacrifice and looking at people to see what Brittany is doing today?

Graph Paper and Education

I didn't realize it had been a month since I posted last. Sad thing about me - when more is going on in my life that might actually be fun to read about, I don't take the time to write. I don't know if I would call the last month "fun", but there has sure been a lot of thinking and shake up going around.


If you also follow my Flickr account you will see that I only posted one day's worth of photos for February. BECAUSE I ONLY TOOK ONE DAY'S WORTH OF PHOTOS IN FEBRUARY! Why is that, you may ask - well because I didn't take my camera ANYWHERE, and I grew tired of taking pictures of my dog looking at me like I was beating her when I pulled out the camera. So starting March 1 I started taking my camera with me to work. OK, really it all started when I saw my bread was L'oven Fresh. Not Oven Fresh - L'oven Fresh:


So, I took my camera to work and got all sorts of dirty pictures:

This is my face after coming in from a power washing project. You can see where my safety glasses have been.
The fronts of these pants use to be the color of the back. Not only are they beyond dirty - they are wet from the power washer.

Other than that I haven't taken many photos. The month is young. I did take a few of a project I am working on in Tower Grove area, but I don't really have much of note yet.

So, this week I needed an Engineer scale at work. I don't have any scales at work, but the 1/8 scale or 1/4 scale are much easier to do with a standard ruler. The 10 or 20 scale can be a bit tougher. So what could I do? I went online to see if there was a printable version. Didn't find a printable scale, but I found printable graph paper. Not only can you quickly print off graph paper if you need a random sheet, you can also tailor the sheet to look like you want! http://www.printfreegraphpaper.com/, this isn't the only place you can do such a thing, but it is what I found first. If you don't know this about me already, let me just tell you now: GRAPH PAPER IS MY FAVORITE. If I have a choice between plain, lined, or graph, I pick graph every time. Quirky? Perhaps, but it is me.


Other than working, taking random L'oven Fresh photos, and getting giddy over the amount of graph paper I can print in many different formats, I have been studying. Studying for the infamous GRE. That's right. I officially announce to the internet my vie for graduate school in the fall of 2009. You will be happy to note that my first blog was started and constantly updated while getting my undergrad degree. It was the most depressing drivel I have ever seen - and yes I have read this blog. I'm being open to these next steps that God has for me. The hardest part - I am currently very content. I am content and even happy in my job. I love my living situation, I love this town. If this thing goes through, I will be leaving it all behind and heading back to Oklahoma. I am applying for the Environmental Sciences Graduate Degree program studying ground water conservation, water reclamation, and storm water management. I am waiting to get in on a project related to low impact development (but it doesn't start until the spring). You didn't know that on the deepest level that I was a nerd. Take this video, for instance. I about wet my pants when I saw this and was captivated by the simple concept and the impact it could have.


It doesn't hurt that he has an accent. That makes things so much easier to listen to and take in.


I guess that is all. I had to emerge from the studying bubble for awhile, so I figured a blog entry would be the ticket. It only took me an hour to write. I guess I shouldn't try to multi-task.