Snow Day

I feel like I was just given a snow day. I am off today from one job, but on for another - just got the call that it will not happen tonight, so I am off all day. If this keeps up, I may not work tomorrow either. Good and bad. Good, that I have some time to focus on my new room, cleaning up the mess in the basement, and working on a book and other various projects. Bad, that I don't get paid to do all those things . . . so until I get to a place where I have vacation time then I am pretty much saving my pennies again. Slept in this morning, something I haven't done in weeks. It was nice, but short lived. I hopped up so that I could do all of the things listed above, only to wake up and see roads starting to get a bit bad . . . so, of course, I went out. I went out for a few reasons.

1. I need a sled. My last one bit the dust as I went head long into a parking lot last year. Causing minor injury and very scrapped sled. I think it could have lasted another season or two, but I didn't feel like keeping it. AND the last two snows I have been sick, so I haven't gotten out to get anything.
2. I needed snow boots. I haven't had a good pair of those since I was 8, and I thought it was about dang time. Try finding snow boots in February - all the stores have flip flops out.

Now all I need is some real snow, not this sleet. My hope is that it changes over and that the roads aren't terrible so I can go sledding.

Off to finish my chores so I can enjoy the freedom later.

not much

to report - but i do get to sleep in tomorrow. and that makes me uber excited.

sleep (updated)

use to be that if i had problems in my family or at work or whatever - i slept. it was easier that way, i would just (in my mind) sleep though it. those days are over, and instead of sleeping last night i laid awake wishing my dog would smother me with my pillow so i would, at the very least, pass out.

yes, my entries will be like this for awhile. due to this 365 blog thing i will be here, last 2 times someone was in the hospital, i didn't have this self imposed deadline, and you didn't have to listen to me bitch.

****Update****

i feel like i don't have a place. and it is starting to piss me off. i have an anger building inside of me that i can't let go in any healthy way - so instead i scream at my stuff that won't fit where i want it to fit, or that falls off a shelf, or that doesn't have a place. i think it may just be that i am tired . . . but i really want to rip something apart. i need a rock or fax machine hitting day really badly.

5 months

yes, i am going to talk about this. sorry.

it has been 5 months to the day since my old job and i parted ways. why do i bring this up? well because this day came upon me like a crushing wave. i know, i'm a drama queen. for the first month or two it was on the forefront of my mind - mostly because i didn't have another job. i had no idea what i wanted to do . . . do what i had been doing, just in a different place, or do something else all together. when the world is wide open for you it is almost harder than when you only have a few options.

anyway, i know i spent the first 3 weeks crying here, crying on the phone, and in person to people who may or may not have wanted to hear all my shit. to them, i say thank you. the next group of people are the ones who stuck it out until i had another job. i wasn't as obsessed with it all as much, but still talked about it on a regular basis - thank you. after awhile i quit talking about it as much. bitter diatribes here and there, pretty much that is still going on. randomly they come out. i don't mean for them to - they just do. it is almost like i have turrets or something, because i can be talking about something totally unrelated and all the sudden this crap will start coming out. so for those of you still keeping track of all that, and still patiently listening, i say thank you. some people got thanked 3 times . . . but i digress.

anyway, the last week or so has seemed harder for some reason. not as bad as the beginning, but not as good as later. i am working with new people now, and they are great people, but not the same. i think i am reaching a point where i am missing those from my old job more than before. maybe it is because i don't see them as much - and i know that over time it will stretch out more and more and more. emails will slow, as will phone calls, and eventually it will be like we were never friends - except for the lessons that they taught me along the way. i hope to god that doesn't happen, but it still plays in my mind that it will. mostly because of my neurotic nature in the end i will make that happen. i sit here as i watch me try to get them to go away and i don't even want to do it. it is like it is this other girl pushing them away, and i am screaming in the background trying to get her to quit pushing.

i don't know where i was headed with this. quite honestly i don't know where i ended up, but i know that i have to stop writing now.

Here Comes The Sun

I woke up this morning with a strange light in my room. It took me a minute, then I remembered, "Oh yeah, I have a window now."

Coincidence

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

- Einstein

its all about me

many times in this blog i start on something and never finish it. i don't finish it in a few ways:

1. i either leave out specific details, or speak cryptically about it
2. i say, "i want to talk about something, but i don't have the words right now." sometimes i do talk about it later, you just don't know becasue i don't announce it. sometimes i hide it in a lengthy email that seems unrelated, or sometimes i never go back.

well i remembered an entry that i did want to finish. it was all the way back in July. July 18, 2007 to be exact. i have been skimming old entries for some reason. maybe it makes me feel better, maybe i just am curious about some things . . . whatever the reason i found it and realized that i do really want to fix it.

i want . . . to feel like i fit
i promise . . . to quit being so neurotic
i desire . . . to be loved
i need . . . a hug
i believe . . . that there is a place for me
i love . . . chaos
i hate . . . peace
i treasure . . . the things that you can’t put in a box
i am . . . a work in progress
i hope . . . that I will meet someone to walk beside me the rest of my days
i know . . . that none of this really matters

Indiana Jones

I think I'm about ready for this to come out. I groan when I see sequels coming out, but you can't deny that these have been pretty good movies overall, and people will pay to see the same thing over and over again. I do have a bit of an issue with the fact that these guys have become the action heroes that don't go away. Look at Rambo and Rocky. Where are the next generation of true action heroes? Matt Damon seems to be the only one picking up the slack anywhere. What is next? Rocky in the nursing home, fighting the guy down the hall for the woman in the next wing? Indiana Jones on the search for his missing dentures? Sometime it has to stop - and writers, now that you are back in action, lets see something new. You have had 3 months to think about it.

Get A Different Name Day

Today is Get A Different Name Day. How do I know, I looked it up. I am looking at the brighter side of this week - the brighter side for someone who is:

"Sarcastic and single and probably will be for a long time."

Get A Different Name Day is described this way:

"It is for those who are not fond of the name given to them. At birth, we are
given a first name, a middle name and a last name. It wasn't our choosing.
Rather, our parents bestowed it upon us. If you like your name, good for
you. If not, then today is for you. Take advantage of today to change your
name. "

I don't care about my name really - I mean, the name I go by isn't my first name. My mom and dad decided, in their infinite wisdom, to name me Mary Kathryn and call me Katie. From the beginning this is how it was. Two things bother me about that:

1. If you are going to call me Katie, then name me Katie. Life is too confusing to mess with that. On my first day of school . . . every first day I have to go through all this ordeal with my teachers about my name - and for a shy kid who didn't want to be looked at, much less speak out in class, it was hard. I mean, for some grades my mom would go in for parent teacher conferences and the teacher would go on and on about some girl named Mary. My mom would finally tell her the facts and then I would spend the rest of the quarter with my teacher and people in the class trying to call me Katie. Had I been a different child . . . say with the personality I have now, that would have been no big deal. But, unfortunatly, I was not who I am today, I didn't speak much - something I am making up for now in my middle years.
2. If you are going to call me by a shortened version of my middle name, shorten it to Katy. My Kathryn was spelled with a "y", shorten my name with a "y". I wasn't Kathrine - begging to spell my name Katie.

Stupid points, I know, but isn't that what I am here for - to make stupid points about things that make no difference and are, in and of themselves, stupid?

TV

I need to quit watching TV . . . seriously - it isn't even good, and yet I sit and stare.

Worry

I live my life in worry. What if I'm not good enough, what if people don't like me, what if I am too much, what if I'm not enough. I think some of that comes with growing up in this society, some of it is my own neurotic thought. Thursday there was a terrible shooting in Kirkwood. 6 people are dead, two more are wounded. I did not write about it because, well, because it didn't have anything to do with me. I live 20 minutes from Kirkwood, some of my greatest friends live less than a mile from where the shooting took place, but I knew no one that was shot. The long and the short of it is this: A man had long running issues with the city council. It had gone on for years and last week something just flipped his switch and he decided to go hunting - and he did, and it was horrible, and it is over, and there are families left without relatives, and a city trying to wrap their brains around what the hell happened. It was horrible, tragic, and totally fucked up - I know this. I feel sorrow for the families and for the town. Will this be in the back of my mind when I go to city council meetings? Maybe. Just like with 9-11, the smattering of school shootings that have occurred over the years, and the Oklahoma City Bombing, these are things that play on the mind a bit. But I can't live my life in worry about this. I can't live my life in fear that one day i will get shot, or mugged, or rapped and pillaged - makes living too hard. I can live my life doing what I love, seeing the people I enjoy spending time with (no matter where they live), and leaving what I can't control behind. To those of you reading, this is not eye opening. Who am I to say such things about an event that doesn't have to do with me - I am no one but someone trying to make sense of the world around me. So then the question begs to be asked: "Why do you worry about all that other stuff?" I don't have a clue.

Saving Jack

Why is Jack Black so misused in movies? He is either the hilarious supporting actor, or he is the weirdest main character (Nacho Libre?!?!?). He has so much more potential that he is waisting.

Cake

Retreat

It just makes my week go better to go by there and see them. I need to learn to do that on my own, but I doubt I will.

10th anniversary

today is the 10th anniversary of the day we started dating. i kept thinking that it would be a day that i would be depressed about. i mean i remembered . . . but it was actually quite the opposite. i remembered, but then i didn't really care. yes, you were my first love - but we were terrible for one another. i was totally messed up while we were together, and i have grown so much since we have been apart . . . so thanks.

(none)

Today I saw EXACTLY why I got fired - even though they never really put it into words . . . at least any that were understandable. I still don't get why they NEVER talked to me about it, and slowly let me work myself down to a nub before firing me . . . but I caught a glimpse of the reason today.

Bacon

I love this - it is perfect because I have no brain power to talk about today. Mostly because I have been awake for a long time, and had to get up before bedtime.

A La Mode

as is my fashion, i don't have much to say. i am off to bed early due to my 4am wake up for the polls tomorrow. i'm stepping out in a new direction and working as an election judge - i feel judge is a strong word for sitting around making sure the proper people vote in the proper places on the proper ballots and the proper number of times - but it is what it is. i will let you know how i feel about the people's right to chose a leader after tomorrow.

Evan Almighty

When I saw a preview for this movie I was not too happy to hear about it. Not for any particular reason other than it was a sequel, it was based on Noah (how the hell was that going to be pulled off), and I didn't think Bruce Almighty could handle a sequel . . . not many movies can do that very successfully. So I didn't go see it. I laughed when people told me it was pretty good, and I let it go by. In an effort to have something to watch with my mom, I humored her when she wanted to rent it - it was never in the store. It was always rented out. Rows and rows of this movie completely gone. Could Steve Carell pull off a movie like this after Anchor Man, Bruce Almighty, and 40 Year Old Virgin?? WHAT??? I use to watch Steve Carell on The Daily Show. I loved him on there. I really thought he was one of the best characters they had - but back then The Daily Show had such a small following no one ever knew who I was talking about when I would talk about Even Steven, or any of his Indecision 2000 reports. Say Michael Scott and they know now who I am talking about. Anyway, in an effort to make this rambling long story a bit shorter I will say this - I saw it. I saw it last Saturday. My roommate bought it, so we watched it. I loved it. Watched it again the next day when my mom came into town, and watched it again tonight. I asked a friend of mine if they had seen it, and he had pretty much the same reaction I did (well minus all the random talk about The Daily Show and his other random movies) - and to him I simply said: "It's funny. I laughed most of the time." There really isn't much more to say than that.

Liar

31

i made it through the first 31 days without much mishap. i'm surprised. just about 334 more to go?? i don't really have much to say. i've spent the last 3 days staring at the walls of my home, hoping that some day i am well enough to go outside. unfortunately people won't switch with me at one of my jobs, so i have had the privilege to go to work and infect the climbers and other belayer. it is like my own personal outbreak experiment.

103 . . . or 4

*note, back dated entry due to the fact that i wasn't really all that "up and at 'em" yesterday*

my temp is between 103 and 104 and i really think i may cook my brain, my liver, or my kidney and die.

whiner

i'm not trying to be a whiner, but i really don't feel very good.

night

good night. i know it is early.

Ready, Set, STOP

I was all ready to post about the concert I went to last night . . . and I may still post about it. But I was listening to a bit of music today, and while I didn't feel Floydian - this song came on. And I think it kind of fits how I feel about some of my life, and all the possible pasts that could follow me around . . . that I am trying to chose to forget. Video not done by Pink Floyd, but some other guy. Yeah, try finding this done by Pink Floyd, you get all their copiers.

silence

it is time now to embrace silence.

Family Ties

Family is funny. I don't know what it is about family that makes it so odd. I guess it has to do, a little, with the fact that with some of your family members you only speak to them because you are related. If I met my brother and sister and we weren't family, I don't know that we would be friends. We don't have the same interests, we aren't in the same life stages, I just don't think we would have become friends. It isn't that they aren't nice people, they are wonderful . . . just think about it. Parents are a different issue all together - because you ARE them. You are both of them, and neither of them, and it makes for interesting conversation and exchanges. I am 85% my dad, 65% my mom, and 100% me - that doesn't work, but in the end it does.

Paul Dateh

Ummm - well I found this on Yahoo's home page today. Pretty incredible (at least I thought so). He has a MySpace page I have been listening to this afternoon . . . and I hope to hear more from him.



From his MySpace page: http://myspace.com/pauldateh

Originally, Paul Dateh was only supposed to be a violinist. Beginning his
violin studies at the age of four, it seemed that Dateh’s future in the
classical industry was set in stone. But, on his first day at The University of
Southern California’s Thornton School of Music, Dateh suddenly dropped his major
in Violin Performance and enrolled in the Jazz Studies program instead. The move
shocked his colleagues as it was hard to understand why anyone would walk away
from fourteen years of classical training to begin learning an entirely new
musical discipline. But, Dateh knew that he wanted to be more than just a
classical musician; his goal was to become a musician, in every possible way.
Today, as a singer, an award-winning songwriter, and an instrumentalist, it
would appear that Dateh is on track to achieving his goal. His work can be heard
on releases by various artists within both mainstream and underground hip hop
circles, and he can currently be seen performing throughout the United States
with his band “The Live Movement”.

Pipes

Amy Winehouse . . . I have been hearing a bit about her problems - and I have never heard her music. I guess with all I have been hearing about her I just figured she sounded like Courtney Love . . . I was terribly mistaken. She is an amazing singer. I listened to two songs and felt like buying her CD. I won't - mostly because I'm on a bit of a spending freeze - but seriously, she has some pipes!

Priority

why is it that there is great civil unrest in Kenya, and they are killing each other by the truck loads, and half a million people have been displaced from their homes . . . yet the top story is about the death of an actor.

don't get me wrong. i think what happened with heath ledger is sad. but what is sadder is that our priorities here are misplaced on the fame of hollywood, rock stars, and political candidates, rather than on the real world issues of freedom in other countries, issues in our own country, and what we are going to do about real world problems like aids, slavery, and the continual loss of youth.

Tag . . . You're It

I got tagged today. I have never been tagged on a blog before, but I'm intrigued by it. I think it is a good way to discover new blogs that you wouldn't normally read. So here we go with the rules and regulations that I now have to put myself through.

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.
3. Post the rules on your blog.
4. Share the seven (7) most famous or infamous people you have met. Or go with the original 7 weird things about yourself.
5. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post.
6. Include links to their blogs.
7. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I was tagged by this blog http://www.boscardin.org/. I don't know much about her, except from what I saw at a quick glance. She blogs more than once a day (from the looks of things), which is a very hard thing to do (just MHO). She is blogging from California, a far cry from the frigid temps of me here in St. Louis.

I am torn about what 7 things to write about. I think I chose to write about the 7 most famous or infamous people I have met.

• Carol Burnett - I didn't actually get to shake her hand, but I did get to tell her a joke. And, by the way, she laughed. I can forever say that I made Carol Burnett laugh.
• Fabio - I was standing at a baggage claim in the Tulsa Airport in 1997, and Fabio walked through with his body guard. The body guard was smaller than Fabio. No one stopped him to ask for his autograph or anything . . . I wonder why not?
• Greg Steir - The founder of a youth outreach/conferences called Dare 2 Share. I was a volunteer for one of his events here in St. Louis and due to the circumstances of how I came to volunteer and who I was with I got the opportunity to meet him and talk to him a bit about what he was doing and what we (The Bridge St. Louis) was doing.
• Kim Underwood - Joy FM radio personality and promotions director. The glue that holds Left Hands Music and our household together. Her quick whit, easy going attitude, and ability to withstand hours of Flight Of The Conchords and other movie trivia, is what makes her one of the best friends.
• Gina Manual - The coolest rocker of the group, and part time dog whisperer. Her laughter keeps us going, and her guitar rifts keep Left Hands Music on the cutting edge of musical performance. She also puts up with a lot of my crazy antics - which, of course, makes her a force to be reckoned with.
• John Schultz (and family) - Not a famous family, but they are a family of kind, generous, neat, hilarious people who always have a spot for me at their dinner table or on the sofa. It has been one of the greatest honors to be considered their friend. Every single one of them makes me feel humbled by their quick wit, intelligence, and kindness.
• Andrea Walter - She is the best librarian since Marian (which by the way, Marian helped me today at the library - something I would have posted if I hadn't been tagged). She puts up with a lot from me, including my erratic behavior and cussing nature.

As for the 7 random blogs . . . I would guess I would have to go with the tried and true method of a search. The first 7 that I find (in English)

• http://jottingforfun.blogspot.com/
• http://lilyontheroad.blogspot.com/
• http://14gems.blogspot.com/
• http://quantzgallery.blogspot.com/
• http://familylife-raquel.blogspot.com/
• http://pentacaricatures.blogspot.com/
• http://theindianadventure.blogspot.com/

If I hadn't been tagged today I would have talked abou this:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080122/ap_en_ce/obit_ledger
What the heck? Heath Ledger is dead. It is so strange and sad that it happened. I am not personally impacted by this, but . . . wow.

Last One

I finished Flight of the Conchords last week. No, I'm not over them, I still watch quite a few of them over. I was asked tonight what my favorite song was from the show (not the stand up act they have) and I had to make a difficult decision . . . I think it is this one . . . or the Hip-Hop-opotamus song. Either way, this is the one I am deeming my favorite (at leas this week). I will try to be rid of these entries, but I just can't get over them.

Where is the line

Where is the line between real Christianity and crazy Christianity? I don't know that I will eve have the answer . . . which makes me sad. There is a kind of Christianity that says - I want to follow the teachings of Jesus, act like he did. Then there is the Christianity that says all sorts of things that he didn't say or do. If you really look at his life, I mean really look at it, he didn't go to "church". He actually showed them the ways that they were screwing up, and they didn't like it. They didn't like it so much that they had him killed. I don't know where I am going with all of this, but some day I want to understand what it really means to be like Jesus, and not like Christians - I guess it has kind of been weighing on me due to the fact that I am going to be working and most likely be a key player in a religion based company

random

There is so much I want to say to you. I want you to know exactly what I am thinking, but I have no words. I don't know how to get it out of my head and into your heart. I can't write it, I can't say it, I can't sing it, I can't play it. Maybe you already know, and that would be enough for me, but I don't think you believe it - and that would make it so much better.

it's all in the elbow

and then it happened. we got out of control (as is our usual) and started talking about peeing out of your elbow, and how that would be more convenient if you were on a long boat ride or out hiking . . . i guess no other instance would that be better.

Working Stiff

I couldn't straighten out my back by the time it was all said and done, and I hobbled into Dick's praying that we wouldn't have any adult climbers and that the other person working the wall that day would head up top to check the rigging. Well we had more adult climbers than I have ever seen in all 3 months of working there, and we were training someone new, and heaven forbid they or the one training go up there.

Can I get some rope

It is like being trapped in a petting zoo.

You Know Who You Are

I don't know who you are, but you might - and to you I say, "Thank You." You are very generous and kind.

There aint no party like my Nanna's tea party

I don't think that, overall, you will think that these are funny. In fact, I'm sure that you wish I would quit putting any of these guys on my post or talking about them, but . . . well . . . once I'm done watching them I suspect I will stop.

Today On Repeat

Well, I am still trying to work out THIS in my head. The fact that I still haven't written it says a lot of things.

1. That I am lazy
2. That I need to get better at this everyday blogging thing if it is going to keep my 3 readers coming back
3. I'm shy
4. More like I just don't really know what to say at all, and now I have built up a suspense around it and by the time I actually write the darn thing it will have been build up only to be a let down.

Alright, also I have been sucked into the world of Flight Of The Conchords, and I don't know when I will be sane enough to actually face the world again after the season is complete (well the season is over, but I am watching all the episodes at once . . . only 5 more left, so should be a day or so).

Flight Of The Conchords - Part Time Model

Lacking

All that was lacking was a fortune cookie - but that is overrated anyway.

Not It

Well this new look is not a Morgan - it is a template. I guess I just needed a bit of a change. Looks like I'm going to have to have a different website for my blog if I want to have it be something I design. So, expect for that sometime next year.

Juno

In the last hour I have become obsessed with Juno. I saw it on New Years Eve, but now I can't stop watching cast interviews, and random clips. I keep trying to get one embedded here - but that isn't working out so well for me . . . chalk that up as another reason I shouldn't be a web designer.

Today

Today is January 8th, and if I was really as lazy as I feel today - then that would be my entry. But I am trying to push past the 24 hour laziness that has befallen me. On my way home from a meeting tonight I was trying to formulate my blog entry (in my minds eye, if you will). It was coming together in a strange way, and I just don't know how to write it so that I don't sound like:

A. A stalker
B. A martyr

I don't know that it would, exactly, but I just don't want the wrong feel of the entry, because it is slowly becoming very important for me to get the thoughts out on virtual paper. I am in no shape to finish it tonight, so I am holding off for tomorrow . . . then the next day . . . and then I probably won't get around to it at all, so goody for you that you don't have to sit through it all.

30 to Life

Life is just hard. Gather a group of people into a room and you will hear at least one crappy thing going on in some one's life. Not always, but, in general it is just hard. It isn't that I want my life to be all roses and sunshine - because suffering is where growth occurs, but seriously sometimes it feels more like a prison sentence.

The Topper

I think that may be me . . . but I'm not sure. At least that was how I have been for the past 3 months.

shades of gray

i found another gray hair . . . or really someone else found a gray hair on my head. on the plus side, they show it to me when they find them. i am skeptical, this could be the other gray hair all grown back from when it was pulled.

hey, this all still counts - i haven't gone to bed yet on the 5th.

I said

I said I would post everyday - I didn't say it would be interesting. I'm just doing my job. Still reading through the code to possibly work my own page out . . . we shall see.

Many Thanks

I finished my Thank You cards today . . . all of them in one day. I ran out of cards and had to start using random cards that didn't mean than you at all. It was fun for me, but I'm glad they are done. Got a lot of Pink Floyd in while I was working on them - I think it will be a new fixture in the DVD player.

Old Luggage

I almost forgot. One day in and I forgot all about this blogging thing. Right now I'm not a fan of my page. I think it needs something - but I'm not sure what. Once I figure out how to fix it I am going to take a stab at making it different around here. But for now, you will have to hear me whine about how much my page looks like the inside of old luggage, and how stupid I am for signing up for this 365 days thing. Well, it isn't like someone is holding a gun to my head about it.

Long Year

It begins today. One down, 364 more to go.

Ah Pig, I know how you feel

New Year

You may have noticed the new badge I have on the sidebar - basically that means for 2008 I will be blogging every day. After tackling November, and doing rather well, I thought I would try this out. At the site where I signed up there were only about 200 people signed up, so what that means is it is going to be rough. Rough on me, rough on YOU. I may not write much every day (considering the last blog run I did made me leave this sight for almost a month), but I should be writing every day. You may find some back dated entries (like if I was away from a computer and wrote on paper what I wanted to write here), but all in all I should have 365 - they are giving us February 29th off.

Take Me To The Movies

There is a difference between good movies and bad movies. It isn't necessarily the script (although, it doesn't hurt to have a good one starting out), the difference lies more or less in the little things. The way the director thinks about the movie, the style that they have, the importance they place on the little details that most people don't think about. I spent a semester in a film class. That, in no way, shape, or form, makes me an expert on anything I say here. Everything I say about movies, books, life in general, is all opinion - but I can say without a doubt, that it is the little things in a movie that add up to it's success or failure. The littlest things can make the biggest impact - the camera angles (I'm talking about a difference of inches), the placement of the people on the screen, the colors used, the subtle nuances of movement and voice inflection. I have seen some great movies with horrible scripts. Come on, listen to Star Wars. I mean really listen to the words that are said. Block out the costumes, the use of visual effects, and characters and you have a really, really bad script. I saw a movie that took place in a phone booth. A PHONE BOOTH! No one saw it. It did terribly in the theaters, it wasn't a very good movie, but it was really well made. I am more likely to see another movie by that director (By the way, Movie: Phone Booth, Director: Joel Schumacher). Another Schumacher movie I hated, and will probably never see again was the Number 23 (I believe I have talked about it here before). Take away the crappy script, the fact that it is hard to take Jim Carrey seriously, and the plot that was a little out there and you have a very well made film. I guess the point I am really trying to make is there is a difference between a well made movie and a poorly made movie - I misspoke when I talked about a good movie vs. a bad movie. I will always go see pictures made by people like who plan out every shot, every angle, every color to be used, every movement, and every prop. The problem is, I also like poorly filmed movies, because they capture me in different ways. So, I can't even say what makes a good movie and a bad movie - it is all up to the person watching it. So where I started is not where I ended. I guess that is the difference between a good blog entry and a bad blog entry. The later being what I am best at.

Oh My GOSH

By the beard of Zeus, it is finally over. This month is in it's last hours, and you can say good bye to everyday posts from me. I think I may take a break for a day or two and be back ready to hit it again. Managed to write everyday but one - and I don't really remember what day it was or why I didn't write. Anyway, for those of you keeping score - it was 29-1.

What is it?

I really hate Dreamweaver. I mean really, really, hate it. I don't know if it is because I am trying to teach it to myself, if it is because I lack a basic understanding of html, or what - but I am really hating the whole process. I haven't worked on my Photo Shop or Dreamweaver in about 3 weeks, and I think I know why. I use to think it was because I had a lot of other things going on . . . which is true - but a bigger factor has to be that I need to catch up more on this Dreamweaver stuff than the Photo Shop and I didn't want to work on Dreamweaver. Today I don't have any excuses . . . ANY, so here I sit loathing the very sight of this green and white book, about ready to puke after the last two chapters that I did. The problem is, I am following the directions - but they don't tell me why. They don't give me a reason for anything that I am doing. It is just do this because we said so, not do this because it gives you this result and you need to know this because _______. So there you have it. I think I am going to go eat lunch - if only to get away from this damn book and program.

New Heights

I use to be scared of heights. I don't think I ever really stopped, I guess I just started having a healthy relationship with it, instead of a dysfunctional one. I think there is a respect there between us now. This new respect started a few summers ago at the last wall I worked at. After 3 months walking around on top of a 30ft wall, I guess that is where we started coming to an understanding. Taking more time to get to know one another, talking, sitting, just being together - learning what made each of us tick. My wall now is a bit higher by 16ft, but the height is all the same. We picked right back up where we left off - an easy friendship of mutual respect and admiration. For some reason, it picked today to push me. It did it once before, after I was pretty tired, and had hurt his chances to be friends with another girl. She was scared, and about the time she started to get to know him better and develop a healthy relationship with him like I had, I messed up and said some things and did some things that made her scared again. It is a long story, and I don't really want to get into it - it took a week or so for us to heal our relationship, and so I would like to leave that in the past; but for about a week he was all "big and bad, scary height" and then we moved on. So today, I had a moment where we weren't friends again. I don't know what I did to make him mad. I do know I was a bit tired, so maybe he just knew that I wasn't in the mood so he got a little ticked. Whatever, I froze. Not for long, but there was a point when I was standing on the ground that I thought, "I can't go up and see him today. I just can't. Don't make me." It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to go say hello. I went and he wasn't a jerk once I was up there, but it was just . . . well it was just hard.

Not Too Shabby

Not too shabby considering a few things:

1. I didn't' want to do this in the first place
2. I don't have any of the tools to do this
3. Yes, I used Crayola pencils
4. Yes, that is a dog leash right next to the picture
5. Yes, that is my favorite pencil - given to me by a friend
6. I changed my mind a million times trying to get it to look just right
7. I didn't have any of the right paper
8. I didn't have my markers . . . I'm really sad about the no markers business
9. Color pencils are not my strong suit

Oi

Happiness Is:
A winter coat (because all your other coats had some other guy's name on it)
Getting a design finished (and actually kind of liking it)
Spending time with great friends

Unhappiness Is:
Finding out that the Heroes finale next week could be a full blown finale, not a break for the Christmas season, due to the writers strike. I don't care so much about the strike, except when it hits my show.

fact

fact: some days are harder than others.
fact: that just life

"Everything she is so DRAMATIC. I just makes me want to set myself on fire!" - Lucille Bluth

I admit it

I admit it. I use words that people here in the United States don't use. I don't do it to be cool, I do it because I like another country's word better than our own that we use. Yes, the words I am using and the words that I am replacing are slang words. Yes, I realize that slang words are, in fact, unnecessary to a sentence overall - and/or they are probably rude. I use the word "oi" instead of "hey". I don't use "oi" as in the Jewish use of the word, I use the "oi" from England. I use "eh", as in "eh" - it is from Canada eh. Yes, it did take me a bit of time to incorporate them into my everyday usage. Yes, I am a nerd for doing just that. Yes, I should just speak the "American" way, but I cannot. Yes, I do think carefully about which words to incorporate into my usage. And Yes, I did try other words that didn't take off like: rad. I was trying to bring back "rad" into my everyday usage and I just couldn't do it . . . I think that is why I reverted to non "American" words, because no one had really ever used them here. Do I think about this too much . . . probably.

By the way, I had a dream last night where Jim from The Office and I were dating. And yes, it was just as I imagined it would be.

Thanks to the G

Two turkeys
Two stuffings
Two mashed potatoes
Two . . . well two everything

I wasn't able to go home this weekend for Thanksgiving. Instead of spending it with people who share my DNA I spent it with two different families who treat me like I do.

Facebook

Facebook and MySpace,

Why do you hate me? You lure me with promises of renewed relationships, and finding those who were previously un-findable. Well now you have me and you are evil!

and that is exactly how it was

"well that was when god was up in heaven having celestial sex."

"but mary didn't look happy when she opened the door to him."

"why was i watching that video? oh yeah, i was looking up information on that candidate . . . what is his name. that mormon."

"well what would happen if clinton was elected president."

"do you think she is the anti-christ?"

"what if it is oprah?"

"wouldn't that be awesome if the anti-christ was a woman?"

"did you know that today was her favorite things show?"

"so next year, after she announces herself as christ do you think she will give out bar codes for your forehead?"

"can you imagine that scene. 'hey everybody, it's a bar code tattoo for your forehead!"

indistinguishable screaming, and jumping by all

"can't the bar code be on your hand too?"

"check out my new hand accessory."

"i think we are all going to hell for talking about this."

"i'm not!"

"why, because you stopped making the joke 10 seconds before we did."

"well, yeah."

Nothing

I've got nothing for you today. Nothing. I have spent the last month in this weird place, a place I don't remember being in - a place called happiness. But today was a bit different. It was like the first "old" place day I have had in a month - and it totally took me by surprise. I felt (feel) completely caught off guard with it, and I don't have a clue what to do with it. I think I will be up awhile tonight - so write if you want, all I have is time.

Log On

and then i logged on to send her mass email out - only to discover there were no addresses in her contacts . . . i don't want to be the one to tell her i totally screwed up.

Hold Over

Wall working is on the agenda for today. Looking forward to today - mostly because we are a little busier, so there isn't as much down time which equals the day going faster. AND I don't have to go in until 1:30, so it lets me have part of the morning free to KETTLEBELL!!!! And yes . . . I did KB this morning. It wasn't difficult, but it wasn't easy either. There is one move that really is hard to get the hang of. It is called the Turkish Getup. It involves going from laying down, to a lunge, to standing up all with the KB over your head. I think I almost shoved the KB through the TV by accident on one rep . . . that would have been bad. I don't really have a lot to say. I have made it over half way through this month, and I think I am running out of talking points. Yesterday I was still on a high from Thursday night - and I think that is the same for today. So with that I will leave you with a GOOD picture of their concerts.

Late Again

late again, and no - i have not used my kettle bell yet . . . but tomorrow is the day.

Pink Floyd (Australian)

I know I didn't make it to post in time for the actual day of this post, but I haven't gone to bed yet so I am counting it . . . just deal.

TONIGHT I HAD THE MOST AMAZING TIME! I went with some friends of mine to the Australian Pink Floyd concert. They are really good. I have never been to see the real Pink Floyd, but I'm sure these guys were pretty dead on. I could go on and on about why they are probably just as good, but I won't. I took some terrible video and pictures with my phone, but I had to capture some of it.

I spent the day listening to Dark Side of the Moon (The concert that they were imitating), and then I spent the rest listening to Echos (The Greatest Hits) to brush up on my PF knowledge. I had it turned up so loud on my computer that I could hear it upstairs. Off to the concert, and they didn't disappoint me. From an awesome laser light show, to the can lights, to the video, to the sound, to the fog machine (and some second hand help from audience members), to the gigantic blow up pig and kangaroo. They played for about 3 hours, and left me wanting more. Oh yeah, and we had amazing seats! It was sensory overload with the sights, sounds, and even smells.

All in all, I don't think I can adequately describe my night and the day leading up to it. For a long time I thought of PF as depressing music, the stuff you listen to when life really sucks - and I think that sometimes that is really true. I categorize that mood that goes with that music as "Floydian". It is a phrase that I came upon with a friend of mine. But today it was different. There was an excitement, an anticipation, and a satisfaction that came with that "Floydian" feeling, and it made it that much better. I know that PF is depressing, and that most of the time they are talking about very political things, or personal tragedy, etc., but I am finding more and more in it as time goes on.

Again, not a great video - but just a slice of what you would have seen. If I could put all my video on here I would, just so you could get a bigger picture. This is the opening of the second act:

Fight Round 2

I showed that synthetic cliff who was boss today. Not to brag or anything. I made it to the top of 2 of the 4 runs. Now, the other 2 I have never tried, so I suspect that they are a bit harder, but the places I got hung up Monday were like nothing today. Maybe I'm getting better??? How could that be?

Is it just me or does he look a little like a demon or something?

Kettlebell

Well, the wait is over - I am an official owner of a Kettlebell (KB). I am a huge fan of delayed gratification, so why didn't I wait longer? BECAUSE IT IS A KETTLEBELL AND I COULDN'T WAIT ANY MORE!!! It also helps that I have a 25% discount at Dick's and that I ended up paying a little more than $20 for it. Do I have $20? No, but I found some for this. Truth be known, I raided my coin bin and foraged for the money, so I think it was a good trade. Wait over 3 months (because KBs are sweeping the nation) and then forage for the change to pay for it. I could have technically waited to Christmas, but I didn't. If I had, I would have probably been given 4 KBs because that is how much I want one and how much I talk about them, and everyone I know would have given me one.
Yes this is one long entry about KBs, but you will just have to deal because this is a very exciting day for me. Not just because of the KB but because:

1. My roommates are back from Colorado
2. Addie took the last of her medicine last night so I don't have to wrestle with her tonight
3. I saw the man of my dreams tonight at the Kirkwood library
4. The new work toys are in so I have something to work on and get to be just how I want it while there is no one else around to tell me to do it differently
5. I got some of the knots worked out of my neck and back (now I am down to 3 deep instead of 4)
6. Heard someone play Ben Fold's song The Luckiest on the piano (they weren't playing it for me, but I was around to hear it)
7. I surveyed today, lately not a fun thing for me, but I got to use a new measuring tape with A STAKE!!!! (you wouldn't understand)
8. Found out I am still going to the Australian Pink Floyd concert on Thursday
9. Have I mentioned I got a KB?
10. Tomorrow I get to go back to the rock wall (I am excited about it, despite the fact that I don't think I could even look at the harness without throwing up a little bit because I am in so much pain from yesterday)

I think that should cover it. Ten good things from the day. Just wait until I get back from APF and I have worked with the KB . . . maybe I should look into getting some adult diapers.

K.O.

I fought it and fought it. Over and over again, I just kept going back for some more. Every time it threw me down I just went back for some more. Some times I would fight back hard and it would temporarily be overcome . . . but it never lasted, it would just knock me down again. Sometimes it would hit so hard all I could do would be sit there and stare at it, grumbling about children, my ego, and the people watching me fight. Then I would run again taking it on for all I had left in me . . . only to find myself down again. Finally when I could take no more I would throw my hands up and say "I'm finished." Below me I would hear - just try one more time, and like an idiot I would, only to find myself sitting and staring at it again.

No, this isn't a nonsense diatribe about my depression battle that I have had over the years, it is a diatribe about that *^#$ wall I work at. I can't win against it.

Sometimes

In the last 2 months a lot of things have happened. You have sat here listening to my joy, groans, rants, crys, and apathy about the those events - and for those of you who stuck with me through it all I have just one thing to say to you, "WHY?" And another thing to say to you, "THANK YOU!"

When I look back I can't believe what a ride it has been. On the one hand, I know that it was one of the best things to happen to me. For one thing, I survived it. For another it forced me to take a long hard look at where I was headed and where I ultimately wanted to be. Those two places weren't going to be the same if I stayed there. It pushed me, it changed me, it humbled me, it made me grow up a little. I say it made me grow up "a little" because I don't ever think I will completely grow up and act like an adult, I'm too selfish and needy for that. I enjoy the things I do with my time now - both at jobs and away from them. The hours really suck sometimes. Like when you really want to hang out with a friend, but you are working every night of the week, and working every day of the weekend. But I like going to The Bridge office 3 days a week. I enjoy the major, minor, and sometimes indistinguishable steps we make every day. I enjoy working with the family 2 nights a week getting their office organized, and getting them set up to do really great things once they optimize their time and energy. I REALLY enjoy going to Dick's at night and on the weekends and working with kids, climbing walls, and interacting with a whole new set of people that I would have never met had I not taken the job. I enjoy learning Photo Shop and even Dreamweaver. I enjoy the prospect of working for myself some - maybe not exclusively, but for some of my pay. The worry about taxes and money sort of fades into the background when I think about where I am headed.

There are days when I look back and see the other hand. The other hand holding the fact that I lost a job. Lost a good job that had the potential to be a great job. I lost the time with those people that I loved to see every day. Now I have to work that time in around my schedule and theirs. I can't just hop in the other room and say hello at any point of the day. I have to shoot an email and wait. I can't play a week long chess game, moving a piece here and there when I walk by the board on my way to lunch. I don't have split time, car pool, batting practice, or random movies made with the work video camera. I look back and remember the feeling I had when they told me I was through. For a person that lives off of performance and the approval of others it was a killer. The days where I am going to work at 6 in the evening knowing that is something people do when they are working their way through college, not after having a 9-5 job for 3 years.

Thankfully, the first hand wins out more than the second. I have had more comments in the past 3 weeks about what a difference they have seen in me. Some people don't even know what happened. They have no idea that I lost my real job and I am now working 3 jobs (some days they are all 3 worked in the same day), they just know that there is something different. Slowly I have begun to take back things that I once loved while I worked there. I use to eat Life cereal every morning when I got to work. It took me a month to start eating it again. I finally went through my box of stuff I had from the office, started playing with the toys that I had at my desk (and one that was given to me on my way out the door). I finally read all the stuff that was mailed to me from them - and threw it away. One thing I am having a hard time with is the actual task of designing a landscape. For one thing I'm not really suppose to be doing any residential design due to a non-compete clause, and for another I don't want to. A friend of mine wants me to design their yard and possibly do the work. I have the potential from that to make a good amount of money - but I don't want to do it at all. It isn't that I think I will do a bad job, or that they won't like it once it goes in, I just don't want to survey it, draw it, design it, or really think about it at all. I want someone else to do it. I know I have that skill, and I worked long and hard to get that skill - but I don't care. It has also been hinted around that I could stay on with them and do the maintenance and upkeep on it once it gets done (lets just say it isn't a small project). I just smile and don't really say much. What do you say to people who are handing you money to do something that you do really well . . . but that you can't bring yourself to do. Is this apart of healing, or is it a part of life?

I have rambled on far too long for any one to have read to this sentence. If you did - I should give you a prize. You tell me what you want, and I will try to provide.

A Scanner Darkly

it wasn't terrible, it was actually ok - but i know why it didn't do well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXpGaOqb2Z8 - couldn't get it to play from here, so the link leads you to the trailer.

I almost FORGOT

I almost forgot to write today. Not much going on in my world. Just finished my 3 day at the climbing wall, I am loving it, but right now I am in constant fear of dropping someone. It happened to me when I worked the other wall and it eventually went away, so for now I will just wait. I think, in some instances, it is better to have a little bit of that fear. Mostly because without it you can become a little reckless or careless and not check everything over. Found out today that I have to climb to the top of the wall every day until I am done training. I can't pawn it off on the guys that like to do it - I still have to go. Like today I made it up there just in time for my wall partner to get done checking all the lines. So I went up and promptly came right back down. FUN!!! I'm ready for a friend or two to stop by and say hello - it can get boring if we aren't busy. I think tomorrow will be a bit busier - since it is Saturday.

Well I'm off to wrestle with my dog . . . I mean give her some medicine.

That Face

That face makes me do crazy things. So, she was sick . . . but I wasn't sure how sick. So, to be on the safe side I took her in to the vet. They didn't know for sure - so they went on the safe side and did and gave me different things to do - meaning I spent $125 for them to do things that may or may not help. ALSO - there may not be anything wrong at all, could just be she ate a bad bug off the floor . . .

Oi

I don't know how to do all of this - what if I can't?

Dream Weaver

To be honest, the thought of learning PhotoShop and DreamWeaver on my own made me a little nauseous. So, of course, I put it off for almost a week. A friend of mine told me to just start damn it, so I did. I started with the PhotoShop book, and spent some time on each lesson. I am officially half way done with that book. I started there because I already knew some stuff, and thought that PhotoShop would be better for me to have under my belt for the long haul, and DreamWeaver could be learned a little at a time. Well, I started DreamWeaver today and I can officially say - I HATE IT, IT SUCKS!!!! To be fair I have only worked on one lesson, but so far it is a little confusing, to say the least, and the book doesn't do much about explaining it. Maybe most of it comes from the fact that I am totally new to this world, but it makes me worried to ever take on actual clients to make a design for them if they eventually want something from me on the web.

Anyway, took out a pair of old kicks today. A green pair of Adidas that I LOVE. They are so old that they don't really have any support left, but one day isn't going to kill me - especially since I am only planning on walking to my car to go to work later. Mostly I just sit here in front of the computer and stare at images that I'm trying to change in some form or fashion. Don't need good shoes for that. My butt sure does hurt after awhile, but that is a personal problem.

Newest Gig

So the last time I wrote about my Gigs there were 2 - one with The Bridge, and one with Jimmy John's. I hate to report that the one with Jimmy John's lasted about a day. The work sucked, the people were not friendly, and all in all - it wasn't for me. Call me a baby - it is over. My new gig to replace JJs is working at the climbing wall at Dicks. More hours, friendlier people, good atmosphere, and just plain fun. Before you knew me I worked at a camp. At that camp I worked the climbing wall in the day, and did sound and stuff at night. Well when I worked the wall I had to climb up the inside of it to get to the top. I was in charge at the top. Everyone who made it to the top went through me and down the zip line. That wall was hard to climb on the inside. They drove spikes into one of the main support beams, and you had to climb it like a latter. Toward the top they got farther and farther apart until you were pulling yourself up with your arms until you got to the next spike. Then at the top you had to open a large trap door to get out onto the platform. All in all it was a difficult process. Well, found out today that I get to do that again. Instead of running the zip line up there - every night we have to go to the top to check all the rigging that is holding the belay line. The climb up on this one isn't much easier. Metal scaffolding is the style of this climb. It is going to take me a few trys to really get the hang of it. Until then, I am huffing and puffing all the way up (due to my chubby body shape, and my out of shape climbing limbs).

Weekend

I spent the weekend at my mom's (hence the limited - but not absent - blogging). Due to my new commitment to blogging I haven't missed a day yet. I think I have failed when it comes to NABLOPOMO - because I haven't gone back to that site once and written one word. I'm not even sure I am properly set up on their site. But the point is to write everyday . . . right?
So I spent Saturday visiting my grandmother in the hospital. I am glad that I didn't know she was there until after I got to town. Mostly because it would have made the drive terrible because that would have been all I thought about. Instead I spent the 5 hours trying to think of a name for my new company. I want to use Morgan, but I don't just want to call it Morgan Graphics or something simple like that. I want the name to be witty - something that some people see and immediately know that I am referencing something obscure from a movie, or that the way I used the words was a pun - but I don't want the name to be stupid. The fact that I make it pun-ny, or obscure may make it stupid. I also know that by trying to do that I will probably not be able to use Morgan. Any suggestions?

. . .

And you thought I wouldn't write every day.

What a November!

I have signed up with this site - http://nablopomo.ning.com/ - where you blog everyday of November. I guess it is to get you excited about your blog . . . or something. I don't really know, to be honest I haven't read all the rules - and you know how I am about rules, I have to know them all so I know which ones to keep and which ones to break. At this point I'm not sure if I am suppose to blog here or there all month, my guess is I will just copy one from the other. I am keeping with my new mantra of Pictures, Pictures, Pictures . . . but not today. I am on my way out of town - literally heading toward the door, and I didn't want to forget to write today to stay on the goal of one blog a day.

Have a good Friday night, see you tomorrow!

Look What I Can Do!

I went from this to that today. Don't ask me how to do it, I had to have my hand held through the whole process. Maybe I can do it again without looking at the directions . . . but I'm not quite sure.

Pauses

We were wrapping up when some people asked some very real rhetorical questions, and related some interesting dreams, that I said:

"Why do we even have to have a building?"

This was met with a long pause, and about an hour long discussion of what that would look like and how that would actually be possible. And after a few more pauses I think we figured it out, that not only would it be possible, it would probably be preferred because that is the whole point of it all.

Photos

I have been watching Blogger Play off and on for about a month. They finally have a tool that you can put on your iGoogle so you can watch when you get on your computer. I am waiting for them to make a tool so that I can put it here on my blog page - like a picture or a cell of information (TAKE THE HINT GOOGLE GEEKS AND MAKE ME A CELL OF BLOGGER PLAY). Anyway, I have been watching Blogger Play, and it made me realize I don't put many pictures up here in my entries. Your inner monologue about my blog probably sounds something like this:

"What could make Katie's blog better? Gee, I can't think of anything right now - it seems so great already. Everything I could ever want is all here."

I totally agree, but I am finding more and more people have one picture or two to illustrate their blog point, or just to have up to say "I'm obsessed with famous people, so I am going to put up all the trash the paparazzi take." (a blog I saw recently, that made me worry about the future of our country and our obsession with famous people that have no value other than to look good in movies.) So, maybe that is what I will start doing - posting a picture. It may or may not have ANYTHING to do with the blog for that day. I will let you be the judge.

Either way - the picture today is from my first Photo Shop class. I am teaching myself Photo Shop and this was the first lesson. The picture I was given was all bright, and I had to make the one coin stand out from the rest of the picture by darkening the rest and leaving the coin alone. A great skill that took no time at all, and I'm not sure I still remember how to do now that it has been done. Wish me luck, I hope to finish off a Photo Shop self teach class as well as a Dream Weaver self teach class by at least the end of the year, if not by Thanksgiving.

Tuesday

As of tomorrow, I will be one step closer to a KETTLEBELL!

New Feeling

I woke up this morning . . . early. Not as in "early" before my alarm went off, like "early" I had to get up early. I was out late the night before partying it up after the Rockies win . . . wait, that wasn't it . . . right, those idiot Red Sox are winning all these games - jerks. No, I was out with some friends eating big cookies and ice cream, and chicken fingers, and garlic bread. Don't think all those things go together? Neither did I, but it worked out alright.



So, on with where I started. I woke up early, I had to be at church a little earlier this morning for a series of events. A new class, tech, and a meeting. The day got off to a slow start, I was moving slow, and dressing slow. The last place I wanted to be was out of my bed, and I was in the thick of it having to think during the service. I sat down at the computer and I felt something different. It wasn't external, it was internal. As time went on it intensified. I found myself smiling, tapping my leg to the beat of the music, even letting my little mistakes I made go. Was it . . . dare I say it - contentment, joy perhaps? It is a weird feeling, I don't feel it enough to really know - but I think that could be it. Here's hoping to it lasting longer than 12 hours.

Late

I noticed today that my profile said I was a landscape architect. I'm not . . . any more. So I updated it, about 6 weeks too late. I never look at my profile - I think overall it is outdated. Some of my favorite movies have changes, favorite books, even favorite artists. At some point it might not be worth it.

I'm not quite sure why I am writing this. Maybe because I'm bored. I have been up since 10 - and I haven't done anything all day but walk my dog and take a shower. I took a 2 hour nap with my dog from 1 to 3 by accident, and in a very uncomfortable position. I woke up 20 times to her kicking me in the stomach - but never actually got up so she would stop. I need to work more hours.

Entrances and Exits

Some people come in and out of your life so quickly. Giving you just a glimpse into who they are and where they are headed in life. Sometimes you get a good look at them, and just start to really get into your relationship to them before they are gone again. Some of them are gone forever, never to be heard from again. Some come and go at random intervals; leaving you to enjoy the time they are with you, or enjoy the time they are gone.

Some people come into your life and stay awhile. You get a chance to really see who they are. You learn their moods, you learn there history, you see into their future, and you really get a chance to know them and enjoy them like you would a great book. Those are the people in my life that I feel like I can never get enough time with. I am blessed with too many great books, that I don't have time to give them all the attention I want - or get all the stories told I want.

None of that makes any sense. So I guess I will go to the library and get a real book.

none

sandwich making is hard

working at the bridge is fun, but i wish i had more hours so i didn't have to make sandwiches

the indians are up 3 games to 1, but i don't think that is going to last through tonight

i want to read a really good story

actually i want you to read me a really good story - or to tell me one from your life.

New Gig(s)

Yesterday was Blog Action Day . . . or something like that. As a blogging community we were suppose to write about the environment . . . or something. As you can tell by my blog I didn't write anything political yesterday, and usually I don't. Why stray away from that now? For those of you who know me in real life - I'm not generally a political person, nor do I join bandwagons like the environment, or the elections. Am I off the wagon, or on the wagon? I don't remember which. I care about the environment, so I recycle when I remember, try to reuse things, and try to minimize my garbage. That isn't a bandwagon, that is just adjusting my life to do some things that can help. I stay up on current political trends, mostly just to know who I am going to vote for - but again, no agenda. I vote and that is the end of it. I'm not going to spend my time telling you who to vote for and why. Basically, I don't care enough. Maybe that is a problem, maybe that is apathy, maybe it is what more people should do, or maybe I should be more involved. Either way, I'm sticking to what works for me for now.

Well I have a new gig. Since my last post I have another new gig. So two new gigs. For one I was hired yesterday and I start today. It is at Jimmy John's - the best sandwich in town. I know there is a lot of debate over that fact, but its science. I use to eat at Jimmy John's all the time. I would eat there about 2 times a week, more if I had the money or the time. After awhile I quit going, because I realized that their whole operation was a gimmick. Every restaurant has a gimmick and I hate that. I just want to eat food. What I liked about JJ's is that there was no gimmick (I thought at the time). They were against the system, they ran against the grain, they had shirts dripping with sarcasm, and walls covered in signs and art that were just as drippy. What I began to realize is that wasn't anti-gimmick, that was the gimmick. So I quit going. Well this recent drought of work has put me in a position to take jobs I wouldn't normally take, so I went in and got the job. I'm excited. It isn't going to make me a lot of money, but I will be making some, and I can be pretty flexible on the hours for the most part. I may work a week and hate it, but I'm hoping not.

My other gig starts tomorrow. I will be working with The Bridge St. Louis. It is part time, for now, with building hours as time goes on. My hope is that I can gradually increase this and slowly phase out JJ's. Again, not going to make my fortune here, but the dividends are great. Mostly I will be a personal assistant until things really get moving, then I can phase into a permanent job with a different title. I am mostly excited about this one, since it is ultimately what I want to be doing with my life.

So that is about it I think. I'm actually kind of sad that my vacation is over. It was a month long, but I think I should have used it better. Oh well, I was being cautious in case I couldn't find a job.

M.

Relief

What a relief today was. After a week of wondering what the hell God was doing with me - I had a day full of encouragement and good news. I literally yelled at God this morning,

"THIS SUCKS! I MEAN IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. I JUST WANT ONE THING TO COME THROUGH FOR ME TODAY!"

And you know what happened. I didn't hear a booming voice come from the sky, or have a gentle wind blow through my hair - I got 2 phone calls, and 5 conversations with different people, and one dream job that I always imagined, but never thought it would be come a reality.

Who says God doesn't talk to people?

Yea

Not to rub it in any one's face or anything - but the Indians just beat the Yankees again tonight and they are moving on to the next round. Finally, my team is going forward, and a few Yankees are going to have to look for another team . . . possibly a new line of work. I was going to use an Indians picture - but this one seemed much more appropriate.

I hope they can beat Boston . . . keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

Vacation Day

Today I took a vacation. You didn't know I was going on a vacation? I didn't really either - I just decided yesterday I was going to take one. One day, that was all I was taking. Driving less than 2 hours to my destination and come hell or high water I was going to go. Come to find out it was rain that threatened my speedy trip . . . but that comes later.

I went to Onondaga Cave State Park. Never heard of it? Neither had I. I spent lunch time on a guided tour of the cave. There were 5 other people along (I thought kids were in school). It was pretty neat. I have been on several cave tours over my lifetime, I like them very much. Once, when I was in high school I went spelunking with a group - no tour, just you and a flashlight (and a prayer that you didn't get lost). The history of the cave was neat, and the formations were spectacular. No pictures - it was too dark in there and I didn't want the flash to bother people. So here is a picture from the website.

Before going into the cave I had decided to walk the two trails there to get some time away from the noise. After leaving the cave I was standing in a rain storm. I got in my car to leave, but I took one last drive around the park. I decided on the drive that I wasn't going to leave - so I drove to one of the trail heads and set off. I have done dumber things in my life, but this was something I needed to do. I walked on for a while, loosing all track of time and distance. I could hear the thunder in the distance, but I was barely getting wet because of the tree cover. I knew I wasn't in the main storm yet, just the outskirts of rain. I listened as the thunder came closer. I debated on turning around and going back - but I wasn't sure how far I had gone. I could be close to the end, or less than half way. So I tucked my head down and headed on, not really knowing what the rest of the trail would hold for me. The downpour came - but I didn't get completely wet, I was still protected by the trees. The storm raged all around me, but where I was had a calm to it. I came to a fork in the road. Go over to the next trail and another 3 miles, or stay on the first trail with little more to go. I decided to just head back to the car. I had had enough foolish adventure for one day.

So that sums it up I guess. Short vacation, but good for me none the less.

Writers Block

I got this book about 8 months ago. I had the dream of becoming a writer. I didn't care if I was really that good, I just thought I could be a writer. I always used the excuse that I never had the time. Well I have a lot of time now, and I'm not using one damn minute of it.

Anyway - back to the book. I looked all over the internet to find an appropriate picture. It is hard to describe the book - it is an actual block. I couldn't find one - only a picture of the cover, so I decided that I would take a picture of it myself. I think that took more time than looking for the picture, because I hated every picture I took of it. Finally I said F*#@ it and just used one. See that is how my life is and how that part of my life has been magnified by having time on my hands. I use to think if I can't do it really well there is no point in doing it. Now I think if I can't do it really well I will keep trying until it is perfect - and the more you do that the less happy you become with the results and in the end it drives you crazy. What if this free time literally drives me crazy? That is another post I suspect.

BACK TO THE BOOK! Anyway it is an actual block. It is full of words, pictures, and tricks from authors all to get you past the writers block. It can either be used to kick start your idea, help you out of those jams you get into after awhile, or to start you down a completely different track.

So, today I am starting. I don't know what I am starting - I just am. I could be the next great novelist, or the next great nervous breakdown . . . at this point it could be either one or somewhere in between.

the journey

i am standing in a hallway of doors
each one of them leading to somewhere different
some of them are locked
some of them are open
some have windows so i can see inside

this is where i will begin
the journey stars here
in a place of in between
in a place that holds no time
in a place that seems to be lonely

there is no sign of which door will open
what if it is one i don't try
where does each door start
where does each door lead
where does each door come from

blogger play

i have been spending the last few minutes watching blogger play - http://play.blogger.com/. i sometimes wonder if that is wrong. blogger play is a program that was written to show pictures that are being uploaded to blogger at the time. sometimes you can see that people are putting up a series of pictures for one entry. it is fun to watch what people are picturing. for some reason the day time has many foreign language blogs (you can click on the picture and read the blog with the picture). i don't know if it is because they are evening bloggers and that is now! anyway, it is fun to watch for a bit, sometimes there are some really cool pictures and you get to see places you would never get a chance to go.

tomorrow is the official start of week 3 of my involuntary vacation. i have actually grown tired of my vacation - i think because i haven't gone anywhere fun. mostly i hang around the house napping, reading, and watching a movie. i have applied for a few jobs, but so far nothing is really panning out. i was dragging my feet on really hitting the job search hard until i found out about one job in particular. i have wanted to work at this place for about 5 years, and now i have the opportunity. it is called the bridge - www.thebridgejoplin.com. i had a meeting with the head of it all yesterday - so it was do or die - and i guess the outcome was in the middle. i think i have a shot there if i can wait about 6 months. my money is going a long way these days, but not that far. so i either have to get a real job, or work at a minor job until the one i want becomes available. i think part of the problem is i don't know what i want to do for them. i don't really care if i sweep floors and clean bathrooms as long as i get to be there working there, the whole place just puts out this feeling that i can't describe. so when asked, what do you see doing here - i answer just being here is enough. i know that it isn't all roses and sunshine, probably most of it is the thorns and sun burn - but i honestly don't care. it is hard to tell someone that when they are in the middle of the 3rd degree burns applying aloe with band aids on their bleeding fingers. they know better than i do about it, so who am i to argue it. i guess i was most disappointed because in all of what has happened in the last 2 weeks i have seen a bigger picture, a bigger plan that i am a part of. when asking god to shut the doors he didn't want me to go through and open the one he did - i didn't expect to get shoved through one only to have it slammed and dead bolted behind me by getting fired (or being forced to quit). so i figured with something that big happening there had to be something big down the hall of doors i have available to me now. come to find out the door i want is locked with one of those chains, so i can open it a bit and see inside but i can't touch anything there. so i'm really left to wonder - where the hell is this other door i'm suppose to find.

did have a good lunch with a friend of mine. i don't know how he does it, but he always makes me feel a little bit better.