Fortune Cookies

Last nights fortune:
Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time!

If you play the little game we Americans have given to this profound cookie - it makes for one hilarious, all be it embarrassing fortune to share.

Thinking Outside The Box

It is a nondescript box really. The size of a DVD case (wait, it is a DVD case). It is a plain case, but what strikes you the most when you look at it is "YELLOW". Seriously, that is the first thing I see and the first word that pops into my head: "YELLOW". The writing is very simple, but the simplicity of it speaks volumes. The next thing I notice are running people and a large VW bus. If you haven't guessed it already, it is the Little Miss Sunshine DVD. Chistmas isn't technically here yet, so I can't make a proper judgment, but so far it is my favorite gift (sorry).

I have found one of two things associated with people who watch this movie.

1. It is pretty good. Funny, glad I saw it, but I only needed the one time

OR

2. I watched it. Went out the next weekend and watched it again. Wanted to go see it again, but didn't because I was with people who had already seen it 4 times. Watched it at the $2.00 theatre before it finally left the big screen. Then ran out and bought it at midnight on Monday December 18th.

I'm more of the #2 variety. I saw it 3 times in the theatre paying more to watch it there than the DVD costs. I decided to wait and buy it after Christmas, because I knew I could count on the Best Buy gift card from my boss, or a friend knowing my addiction and totally willing to feed said addiction. I was correct.

I don't really know what it is about this movie. What captured me about it. I think it was probably Abigail Breslin (Olive) or Steve Carell . . . possibly Greg Kinnear. Whatever, it doesn't matter. This movie is all about every character dealing with disappointment, and how each of them dealt with it. How it is ok to get excited about things, and how much that excitement can effect people around you. And it is OK to want something really bad, but it is also OK to have it not happen. I think in the end that is what I struggle with the most in my life. I don't want because I don't want the disappointment. But in the end - I will move on out of that place of disappointment (if there is any), so it is OK to get excited about some things.

Muddled description of my feelings, but my feelings are always a little muddled.

Fourteen

I have 14 months of blogs. 14! In those 14 months I haven't really actually said anything. Sure there are a few that might have been good, had some meaning, or were insightful - but not many. Most days I wonder why I have a blog at all. When asked why I blog, I usually just shrug my shoulders. It has just become a whining place, one of the many whining places I have build over the years. You would think I could just whine one place, and leave everyone else alone. But no, I whine on the phone to my mom, whine to my ex-door neighbor at work, whine to my counselor, whine to my small group, whine to my dog. I should grow up already and just take life as it comes and shut the hell up.

On another note: why do crappy things always happen to the nice people? Not one jerk I know is having a hard time in life. And every kind person I know is having a rough go of things.

Spiral

it is strange, i step onto a downward spiral - almost by accident, and in no time flat i am sliding down. so fast that i didn't even remember getting in line for the ride. and like a fun corkscrew water slide, i can't stop. no matter how hard i try to stop myself i can't do it. i only stop at the bottom of the slide. sometimes i feel like there are people on the slide with me at the same time, or on the slide next to me. sometimes i wonder if we just happened to get on the slide at the same time, or if i accidentally pulled them in with me.

Blah

Wow I'm irritable today.

Heat Wave

Man, it is like a heat wave around here. I think it is warmer outside than the temperature is set in the house.

Work: Vastly different than this time last year. I have been working on a new drawing program to put our designs into 3D with minimal amount of work (as opposed to Auto CAD). Man, I find myself starting and not moving until someone makes me. Good, because I am actually working. Bad, because I hurt later - my back, my eyes, my head. I keep pushing myself to get better and faster so it can be a useful tool rather than something I know how to do and it rarely gets done because I am not fast enough at it to squeeze it all into my day. WOW long sentence. Today I needed a Sketch Up break, so I worked on some office awards (Dundies, if you will). I had to find pictures that related to the award. Not easy when the award names are really obscure like Best Man Hour Ratio. You can't exactly type that into Google images and have some funny picture pop up. I enlisted the help of NAD and went to work. He is much better at finding stuff than I am. Maybe more patient is the word I'm looking for. Every time I would get mad about it all he would calm me down.

Home: Kind of boring. I like it that way sometimes. Boring can get lonely though. Christmas shopping, wrapping, and avoiding is key this year. Well just like every year. I try to avoid Christmas if I can. I thought I was 90% done with the shopping . . . only to realize I was closer to 43%. Blah. Those on the new list are those that I have no idea what to buy for them.
Seem to be over boy problems, at least for now. I can feel another one coming up. I feel bad for those around me on a daily basis because they have to hear me cry about it. Maybe I'm not as ready for this whole dating thing like I thought. Part of me feels like I will settle, and I don't want to. The other part of me feels like I am being to high strung about this, and don't want that either. Is there a middle spot? If so, I don't have any idea what that looks like.

I guess that is all I know. I don't have anything profound to say - but when has that ever really been the case that I did?

Later.

Or worse

Or worse. What if it is her that wakes up one day and doesn't love. Then what will she do?

It could happen

She could meet the most incredible guy tomorrow. Someone that would truly sweep her off her feet. He would love her well. Treat her respectfully, kindly, lovingly. He would prove every thought that she has about relationships wrong. But somewhere in the back of her mind she would wonder. What day will he wake up and decide he doesn't love her any more? Will it be tomorrow? Will it be next year? Will they be married for 20 years with 2.5 kids and it will happen? Or worse, would it happens early in the marriage, and they don't get divorced but they live a loveless co-existence together for the rest of their lives?

I don't know

I don't know what to do. If I stay quiet, it could hurt more. If I talk I run the risk of a fight. I was never good at this relationship stuff. Maybe that is why I have shied away from them. I hate this part, the knowing that I am going to hurt someone's feelings, and it isn't their fault - it's just how it is. I feel like such a jerk. I'm sure after tonight I will have more words, good or bad, I don't know. Maybe I won't have any more words but these - I don't feel like a nice person.

Beware the Ides of March!

Ok, so it isn't March 15th . . . it isn't even close to March - but the modern day soothsayers (weather forecasters) have been screaming all week about this winter storm coming our way. It is headed straight for us! Get all your milk, bread, and eggs! Buy gas! Get your emergency cold weather kit together! The sky is falling!

THE SKY IS F-A-L-L-I-N-G!!!

Yesterday it was about 70 outside. People were walking around in shorts. Unfortunately I needed groceries. I hate grocery shopping and hadn't bought any food in about a month. I live off the generosity of others (a.k.a. I'm a moocher), so I didn't need to buy much lately. I decided I needed to buy some food of my own, and attempt to buy some things to put a dent in the pay back of others for their kindness to me. Well my attempt at taking care of my self and the needs of some others happened to coincide with the soothsayer warning that the sky would be falling, and so I fought the people at the store and stood in line with the worriers. I thought it was funny that the "winter storm of the century" was coming and we were all in line in shorts. I just laughed to myself (I do that - shut up).

Darkness fell and so did the temperature . . . and soon the rain. As of right now the rain is still falling, but still no ice or snow. I didn't, however, go to work. Why? Because I work off some of the craziest roads known to man. This morning I could get there, but temperatures hovering at 32 could cause said roads to ice over, leaving me trapped down there. That wouldn't have been half bad if a few other people from work had gone in, but they didn't - so here I sit. I'm sure they are right. In about an hour we will get sleet, and the road will freeze over. I will be glad I am at home where I can watch movies, catch up on my email, letters, blogging, and thinking I haven't been doing over the last month or two. I did bring some work home with me, but the computer program I use is really slow on my home computer. Probably because it is a million years old, and runs about as fast as I do.

As I sit here and await the end of the world (thanks Dave Murray), I can't help but see that I haven't updated here since November 5th. I feel like not much has happened since then. But I will review anyway. I will put the main thought in bold so that you can skim the major points and not be bogged down with the minor ones. So you can move quickly though this incredibly long blog, or take it all in like a good movie.

1. I met someone new, and am now thinking about letting them go. So I met a boy and we went out a few times. Thanksgiving hit and I haven't really talked to him much, and I don't really miss it. So, what does that mean? He is a nice person, but I just don't feel anything more than "Wow, nice guy." I feel kind of shallow about it, I mean I like a few other people, but we have been friends for a few years. They (to my knowledge) don't like me back. So now that there is someone new who likes me, why don't I like them? Is it because I haven't known him for a year? I don't really know what to think, or what to do. We were suppose to go out tonight, but the place closed due to impending weather (dang you weather channel). I was going to use tonight as a gage, the one last attempt for me to get a good look at this person and the potential. Now he wants to hang out this weekend instead - and I don't really want to spend that kind of time. I would much rather go sledding (if that snow you have been promising me shows up DAVE) and not really think about relationships.

2. I finally saw an old friend for who they really are. I have a friend that I have known for ever, or at least it feels like forever. Lets get a few things out of the way. Yes, it is a boy and I did like him . . . a lot. We kept going back and forth about what our future held. We could never get quite lined up just right. I could never put my finger on why. Sure we lived far from one another, but I figured we would work that out soon enough. I use to think it was because we were both selfish and neither one of us wanted to move from where we were. Come to find out, he is just a jerk and wants me to change everything to meet him, instead of meeting me half way. He kept harping on me to do this or that, or not do this or that. That is fine if they are annoying traits that I have, like I don't brush my teeth or shower, but these were things that have been a part of who I am since I was born. Things that don't make me a bad person, just annoying to him. But when confronted about the harmful things he was doing to himself and to me, it was just glossed over. So, I think that is done. And done for good. I have feel that it has been done before. But those times I felt such conflict about it. One part of me wanting to change to be with him, and the other part holding firm. This time I feel great about it, with 100% of my being refusing to be treated the way he has been treating me. I had two dreams the morning before I was suppose to hang out with him, they both had to do with the fact that I couldn't see clearly. That night I could see clearly for the first time when it came to him and me. And it is awesome.

3. I think I might just be better. I have been going to counseling for a little over a year now. Not the first time I have ever gone, may not be the last. But for this round anyway, I feel good. For awhile I didn't want to go because I started to hate all the scrutiny. But slowly I have started to feel like not going because I don't have anything to talk about. When I search deep down and inside out I don't see anything that is a hindrance. Sure, my past influences who I am today, and what I do - but I think I can recognize it, and work through it now, instead of getting bogged down by it all like I was before.

4. Stranger Than Fiction is a must see. I never reviewed Little Miss Sunshine (3 viewings and counting), and I'm not going to review Stranger Than Fiction (just the one viewing). BUT I will say that they are both excellent movies, probably two of the best I have seen all year. Both well done, thought provoking, and all around great movies. If you haven't seen any of them please go. I will pay for your tickets if you can't afford it, or I will run an errand for you if it is causing you to not see these movies.

5. Save the cheerleader, save the world. I now know what that sentence means. It is so clear now, even if the rest is a little bit sketchy. I have fallen victim to Heroes. I went into it kicking and screaming. Vowing never to get caught up in another television show. I was doing well, with The Office as my only vice I had left. I had put all the others behind me and was well on my way to being TV free. Dang you NBC and your new show Heroes. Now I am hooked and people know where to find me on Tuesday nights (It comes on Mondays, but I can't watch it, so I am watching the DVD on Tuesdays).

6. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. That's right, the verdict is in. I'm all those things and more. I would like to take this time and say it isn't pride that I say those things, it is humility. For too long I have pushed off complements, and encouragement, only because I didn't think I was any of what they were saying. But you know what, that only ends up making relationships harder. SO - sorry everyone, I'm working on it.

7. The guitar is my enemy. Ok, so it really isn't the enemy, my desire to play it is (remember desire is the enemy). I sat down to start again, destined to be the next Kate York, or Harold Click, or just a version of me who could play - and I broke a string. Not a big deal, but it is to someone who doesn't take the time to shop . . . for anything, and for a person who doesn't fully get how to string a guitar. I have strung this one once or twice, but I'm not that good at it. So, two weeks later, and I still have now string and haven't taken the time to go get one.

8. Daniel Craig is as good of a James Bond as I thought . . . better even. I heard your collective groan when Daniel Craig was announced as the next James Bond. I heard you all say he is too little, too un-cut, too blond. Well eat your words, I think Casino Royale is one of the best Bond movies in a long time. I will not say it is the best, I will just sit in my corner and think it to myself. The movie, overall, did a good job explaining a few things about the character of James Bond. Why he is how he is, and does what he does. Thumbs up for good character development, something really lacking in the Bond movies in general.

9. Poor Katie. Poor Katie Holmes didn't get quite free from the clutches of the menacing Dr. Evil (a.k.a. Tom Cruise). My Free Katie sticker and shirt didn't garner the respect they should have and we as a nation should be ashamed that we didn't step in and stop this abomination. I will sheepishly admit I did watch MI3 and liked it, let the public flogging commence.

10. I don't know when I will blog again. It may be later today, it may be tomorrow, it may be next week. I will try to think of things to say more often, just to protect you all from more entries like these that take me an hour to write and you all 30 minutes to wade through.

Crazy Talk

If you feel the compulsion to say "I'm not crazy." You probably are. I felt that compulsion today and then I realized by saying that it was just putting the last nail into the coffin of me actually being sane.

Responsibility

"Flying by myself in a tiny aircraft over lonely woods. I have no one to blame if I make a bad judgement, and the laws of physics won't listen to my excuses. What would my life be like if I always had to take full responsibility?" - Mark Olson

It

is this it? am i done? does it matter? would you notice?

Its Official

I am officially depressed. And it couldn't have come at a worse time.

Career Change

When Kate York stood on the stage tonight and said,

"This song is a happy song. It is probably the only happy song I have written, so sit back and enjoy it."

I thought - Holy Cow, that is me. I knew at that moment I needed to pick my guitar back up and start lessons all over again . . . I'm going to be a singer. I doubt that is really in the cards for me, but the fact that all the songs she writes are sad, angry, confused, angst-y, and there is only one or two happy ones - I knew that is how I would be if I were a singer. Sad, but true.

Its Not

Its not "Roid, Sally, Roid." Its "Ride, Sally, Ride."

Bllllllllllaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

"David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?" - Elaine

Be Careful

The only words I could think of to say were "Just be careful." I understand why he is doing what he is doing - I probably would have done the same thing. But eight years later I can see how unfulfilling this is going to be for him. How destructive this time will really be. It isn't going to be what he thinks it is going to be, or what he wants it to be. But he doesn't want to hear that - so all I know to say is "Just be careful."

Age

There are days, a lot of days, where I feel like I am about 14. I just feel young and immature most of the time. Sometimes I hear what I am saying or look at what I am doing and think, "Gosh, when am I going to grow up?" But there are a lot of days that I feel like I was born too late. Born in a time that wasn't meant for me. I feel like I should have been born when my grandparents or parents were. I just feel like I don't belong in this time, in this place, at this age. Whether I act too young, or feel old doesn't matter, I just don't fit. I heard a song over the weekend that was saying just that (mostly the part about not belonging in this time). I was drawn to the drum beat first, then the lyrics.

I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)
Sandi Thom

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar,
Not everybody drove a car,
When music really mattered and when radio was king,
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When pop-stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when God Saved the Queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
When my mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When record shops were still on top
And vinyl was all that they stocked
And the super info highway was still drifting out in space
Kids were wearing hand me downs,
And playing games meant kick around
And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

I was born too late to a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

Past Lives

I don't believe in reincarnation - but if I did, I think I was a smoker last time. There are 2 reasons:

• I like second hand smoke. I'm not talking about a group of people, but one or two people smoking make my day.
• This morning and last night while I was writing, I felt like there was something missing - and I thought my writing would be so much better if I had a cancer stick hanging from my hand.

I know 2 reasons doesn't prove a theory, but seriously - for someone who has never smoked to want to be around it, and think that things might write out better with one in my hand is a little odd.

Not planning on taking up smoking any time soon, but I'm just saying there are days where I'm tempted - despite all the bad things that come from it.

I've been . . .

in a word, i have been gone. gone from here, at least. don't really know why. i come around about once a day to read links i have - they have something to say (well some of them do). i just don't have anything left to say i guess. i have been working the past few weeks at looking at the positive. i suppose when i look at the positive i don't really have a lot to talk about. venting has always been my way of life and there really isn't a way to vent positively.

this week has been a hard one to look on the bright side about. it started off well enough on monday morning. at about 1 that all went to pot, then to hell with the rest of the day. i figured it was just a day. one bad day in the last month isn't so bad. well that one day has evolved into 3 (well yesterday wasn't bad), ending in a fount of expletives and a thrown tire iron. no one was around - so i could possibly deny it ever happened. after that i have pretty much been numb. talking little. tonight i cried in a room full of people. no one noticed, or if they did - they didn't care. i'm good at crying without people knowing. it's this thing i do, had 25 years of practice.

that's about all i guess. maybe i will be back in a shorter time frame.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes in our effort to "find ourselves" we get totally lost and in the process loose ourselves. Does that sound kind of Biblical?

(insert time that it took for me to go look that up)

Matthew 10:39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Maybe that isn't exactly what I meant, but it could be.

Because tonight, tonight, tonight . . . oh oh

I have been watching a little Arrested Development today. I had forgotten how hilarious season 1 was. All the one liners and sarcastic comments I had forgotten, man I sure did miss them. Like Michaels comment when his mother was upset about her fox missing a leg . . . would anyone notice? "Well you have to remember you are going to be splattered in red paint. It will distract the eye." Or Buster with his panic attacks and constant back rubbing of his family. And GOB with "It's an illusion Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money . . . [and upon noticing children says] or candy." Or if you watch the un-cut version instead of candy saying - "or cocaine". Ahh, the memories.

Tonight I am a little concerned that I can't reach a friend of mine. An odd occurrence because I got his voice mail earlier today, and now it is saying that number is no longer in service. So, tomorrow he better email me; that's all I have to say about that.

Esther 4:14

Esther 4:14 "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Esther came to a place where she could risk everything and loose her life to save others. Her life had been building to that moment where she had to choose to stand by and watch those she loved hurting, or she could step up and save their life (maybe loosing her's in the process). I am not Esther, I could only try to be as brave as her, but I have come to a place in my life where I can stand up and help a friend - even if it means loosing others because of my choice. Or I can just sit by, and hope others help. I chose to stand up, because I know how he feels, and I don't want him going through this without someone who has emerged from the other side. I am here for such a time as this. I don't know what I will say or what I will do, but I will be there. And I pray God uses me for good in this. I pray that God won't let me get ahead of my self, cocky and sure that I can help him on my own. Because if I do, I will fail. I will go down, and possibly drag him along with me. I know my stand is not going to be popular with some, but that is their problem.

Different Side Of Things

A side of me that some have heard about, but few have seen.

One of my enemies

Desire is the enemy. I never really looked at it that way, but that is reality for me. If I desire to get married, or have kids, have a better position at my office, travel, etc. and it doesn't happen, then I am sad. That desire becomes my enemy because it causes me grief. So instead I kill the enemy before it can kill me. A few days ago I told someone that I decide my life sucks, so it does. The question is then why and the answer lies in the desires. I want to live in that stage of life where things just don't go well, because that is what I know. If I live my life desiring then I don't know what might happen. And if what I desire never comes to pass then I have been let down . . . again. Light bulb moment for me.

So instead of desiring big things, I want for little things, or things I can't control. I desire to have gray hair. I don't know why - probably because everyone else on the planet doesn't want gray hair. If I get gray hair or not, I can't control it. I have no hand in it what-so-ever. So if it doesn't happen that is ok, because then I have something everyone else wants. If I do then I am happy because I'm twisted and want gray hair. I root for a bad baseball team. The only reason is because I live in a town that worships their team and I want to be the opposite. If they have a good season or not, I have no control. Now, even in those things I face disappointment, but it isn't like I get dumped by my boyfriend, or I get fired from my job.

So that brings be to my random thought of being Floydian (not Freudian - big difference, don't get those confused). I was at a concert last week with some friends. We were talking about how people see life. I am not sure how this all came about - if we were talking about the band, or some other people we were with, or what (to be honest I was listening to the war protest music, trying to soak up the anger), but somehow the band Pink Floyd came up (key word anger). Now, I have always liked Pink Floyd. I had not really heard much of their music until recently, but in that time I have become hooked (different story, so I digress). We were talking about how they have a very pessimistic view of life. I said it was more than just looking at a glass and saying it's half full, or it's half empty for them. And I look at life like this water bottle (the bottle had about 3 swigs gone from it) I see it and I say it is about gone. And they said that sounded very Floydian (coining the phrase right then and there). I laughed and went back to the anger music. But I started thinking. I was joking when I said that the bottle of water was almost gone, but if I really thought about it, that is exactly how I see it. That is depressing.

Random Thoughts

Aren't they all?

1. I didn't get a contact high like I had hoped, but I did have a good time.
2. My favorite shirt (Math Triathlon) has about 6 holes in the back of it. Probably from wearing it so much. I know there is one person laughing about me wearing holes in my shirt - SHUT IT!
3. While I don't want to impeach the President, there is a great song about it that made me laugh a lot.
4. I am Floydian (Not Freudian)
5. I'm suppose to go to a wedding tomorrow night . . . I have no idea what time. It's on the card!
6. I don't know how to spell triathlon and that frustrated me . . . it's on my shirt.
   

Casino Royale Trailer

I think I am the only person on the planet excited about Daniel Craig being the new Bond (well besides Daniel Craig himself). I have been a big fan of his for a long time . . . and you just heard his name 6 months ago when they announced him as the next 007. The fact that they are making a prequel makes the movie that much better, to witness the transformation from random agent to the best. My biggest problem right now - they have him signed, filmed the first movie, now they are going to make him gay, or at least explore that option. GIVE ME A BREAK! It's James Bond, they can't do that. "We don't want to ignore our gay Bond fan base." Well ignore them, because he isn't gay! So whatever, do what you want, I will still be excited for Casino Royale!

A Little Bit Of Everything

I'm not really sure where I am going on this one. I feel like I have so much inside my head, no telling what will come out . . . "Morgan - Un-filtered and Uninhibited."

I just got back from a longer than normal walk with my dog Addie. No it wasn't really that long, just longer than normal, and longer than the ones NAD took her on. Maybe she will like me better than him now. It will probably take more than that.

I just got back from being at home for a few days. 1: Akeela And The Bee is a good movie. It isn't brilliant or deep, but it is good. 2: RV was better than I thought possible. Again, not brilliant or deep, but it was good for a little relaxation and a laugh. I like movies that make you think, but sometimes I just need to laugh, or relax, or both. 3: My family is changing.

I think I will go a little further with that one. When I am with my family (usually my mom and my grandparents) I think things like: How can I be related to these people, I am so different. The other thought is: How could I be related to anyone else, I am just like these people. First of all I look like them. I mean, when you see me with my mom, there is no mistaking that we are related. I act a little like my mom, the way she taught me (not always consciously). Where I am different - my personality is a lot like my dads. It had to be inherited by birth because I wasn't around him enough to get it any other way. He acts a lot differently than this group, causing me to act differently than this group (in many ways), so in that way I am an outcast. I don't look at myself as an outcast, and I know that they don't see me as anything but one of the family, but that word just came to me for some reason. I look at my family and see that, in general, it hasn't changed. The number of people has, the complexity has, but those in it haven't really . . . Until recently. We have been a family of glossers. Glossing over problems we have in our lives both in and out of the family. As I become more transparent, my mom becomes more transparent, and I don't think anyone else is really on board with this. Instead of working with us on working out problems we have with one another, they fight it and make it harder. Maybe that isn't it at all.

I realized over the weekend I have too much media. TV on most of the time, if for nothing else background noise. So much music, I haven't listened to all of it. Email, blogs, online news, pictures, and Google video. It is all so much. So I am fasting . . . in a sense. I'm not really watching TV. Unless I am sitting down and watching I don't need it on. Until I listen to every song I have I'm not buying anymore (or borrowing). Email . . . well maybe I won't check it every hour. That was getting crazy. Blogs . . . I don't write in this one as much as I use to, and I will only check the ones I read once a day (not 20 times). You get the idea. Cutting stuff out, giving me more time for my hobbies that I haven't touched in a month. Stained glass projects sit in idea phases on my table, a guitar that is dusty sits in the corner (because I won't take the time to learn how to play it), my dog has a permanent spot next to the desk (the only place she knows she can be and I will be near her). We will see how that goes. I'll keep you posted - or not.

I guess that is all I know, for now at least.

Problem

I have a problem . . . ok, I have a lot of problems. I chose to address one right now. I have an anger problem. I don't think it is minor, I think it is big. The anger leads to a few other problems, such as yelling and throwing. These are both things I don't want to do. So, "Don't do them," you say.

Today I threw a chess set. Not a large one, not a breakable one, but a chess set none-the-less. Did it brake something? No. Did I throw it at someone? No. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Given the same opportunity would I do it again? No. Some days I throw pillows, some days it is a rock, others it might be a pencil or a box. The questions are not what I throw, but why. And I don't know why.

Today I yelled at my friend at work (it isn't new, I yell at him a lot). Sometimes I yell at him and it isn't even about anything he did, it is about something someone else did. Did I cuss? I don't remember. Was I mean? I don't think so. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Given the same opportunity would I do it again? No.

Today at counseling I yelled at my counselor. She was pushing an issue that isn't an issue. No matter how many times I told her it wasn't an issue, she would just ask the question a different way. When I say it wasn't an issue, I don't mean it is an issue and I was covering . . . there is no issue, and I just want this conversation to go away (because she has been trying to make it into an issue for months). So I went ape poo and told her to leave it alone, if I was numb to it then I was so numb that I won't feel it today and she needed to get onto another issue that I'm not numb about. The second my mouth was closed I felt like crap. I apologized and then burst into tears.

My anger. I get it so bottled up inside that I explode. I take so much before it all comes out, and I leave a path of destruction behind. I'm not thinking, it just happens. It is me, un-filtered and un-restrained. But how do I stop it? How do I let things go? People tell me to just let it go, I was never taught that. I was never taught how to be angry. I was told, "don't". Don't be angry, don't be sad, don't. For all the good things my mom and dad taught me, they never helped me learn to release anger appropriately, or let it go. I was told it was silly, or I shouldn't be. Well deal with it - I'm angry. So instead of telling me I am silly for being angry, or the reasons why I shouldn't be - teach me how to work through it. To feel it, to express it, to move from it. To see the root of the anger and deal with it. Anger is a secondary reaction fed by hurt, or embarrassment, or pain. Teach me to see that, to deal with that.

So now what? I still throw and I still yell. I don't want to. There are things in my life that I don't want there. I don't want to give excuses for it. I just want to stop, but I don't know how.

Wow

I sure do love cops calling my house and asking for money. Then badgering you because you won't give. I was being polite to listen, but come on.

Rant

Who decided that Paris Hilton was hot? Name them for me - seriously. She is not hot.

Who decided that Jessica Simpson was "in"? She is an idiot. Due to the lack of television on last night I caught 2 minutes of her on the Teen Choice Awards last night. That is 2 minutes I can't take back, and will be scared with forever. She is an idiot. Also, why was there so much sexual references on the Teen Choice Awards. TEENS CHOICE - means under 20 and those kids look up to some of those people, and they were all talking about sex. At one pass (I moved around the TV a lot last night instead of just picking up a BOOK) these kids - KIDS won a trip on stage to hold a surf board (the awards). The male host was saying that they would have sex before they went home that night. Ummm, I'm sorry, don't say that to a 14 year old. JUST DON'T.

And Snakes On A Plane. SNAKES ON A PLANE! Why? I know it has gotten all sorts of internet buzz, but the name just says - I'm an moron and I decided to make a movie.



Ok, I feel a little bit better now.

It's 3AM You Must Be Lonely

Stupid nap . . . stupid me for taking the nap! Took a little plane ride this morning and I had to get up early. Well no earlier than I usually do for work. But I was tired none the less. Flew and fought the sleeping. Got home and couldn't fight it anymore. Laid down (for a few minutes) 2 hours later I wake up. CONSEQUENTLY - I am awake now! Ugh, I am such an idiot.

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

Taking a little trip today, so don't be looking for me to be here for a few days. You would have thought since I haven't posted in about 11 days that maybe I had already been on a trip - but I wasn't. I haven't packed yet, cleaned my room, or even really thought much about getting moving yet today. I have been thinking about posting for thosee past 11 days, I just haven't. I don't know if it a writers block, a general lack of desire, or just a hole that has me holding back. Who knows - but my hope is to put that all behind me after this trip. It isn't like this trip is spectacular or different. It is you everyday, run of the mill trip, but I feel like it has the potential to change my outlook. For one I don't have to go to work today - a major splinter in my side for about a month. I find myself in my old pattern of hating it all because one thing went sour. My rock hitting has been at an all time high over the past few weeks - to the point where I have totally obliterated my bat, and I feel great about it. I also get to get away from a problem boy, and really wrap my head around the truth. I have a hard time living in reality sometimes. I create these alternate worlds in my head sometimes, and I guess that is where I get hung up because I don't really live there. Does everyone want their lives to be different?

I think my grandmothers birthday was this week sometime. No one really knows how old she would have been. Her dad couldn't remember the year she was born, and her mom died when she was very young. So we only had an estimation. I think it is a funny story really. It isn't funny that I don't remember her birthday day. I didn't know it when she was alive - I was too busy doing my own "thing." For some reason, now that she is gone it is, for some reason important. Maybe to prove I wasn't a jerk, but I haven't really found truth to that statement when it has ever come to her.

On a brighter note, my little writing project is going well. The one I was freaked out about because I didn't feel like I was up to the task. I am having a great time, laughing a lot at what we have both written. It isn't a funny story - it is a horror story, but I think it is hilarious because it really isn't that scary.

Here's to Texas and all it has to offer. Maybe another trip to the Alamo, where I can replace that picture of my dad and I there back in 1981.

Holes

no, not the movie - but i do recommend it. it is a little "g" but that doesn't mean it can't be good.

i have been on a long journey out of a large hole (it's depression, just so we are all on the same page - didn't want anyone feeling left out because they couldn't pick up my analogy). it was really more deep than big. the hole is only big enough for me and it is a place i can be alone and wallow in all sorts of self "stuff". you know, self doubt, self loathing, selfishness, self pity, the list continues (all starting with the word "self"). i first realized i needed to get out of that hole was when i couldn't even see the top, things were too dark (i will let you deduce on your own what "too dark" encompasses). i couldn't see any light, not even a pin prick worth. over time i found myself closer and closer to the top. i could see more and more light. at one point i was so close to the top i could see things outside of the hole. birds in the sky, the grass on the edge of the hole, i think there was even a tree branch in the view. today i find myself standing on the edge of the hole. you might say "yea! great job kate!" but you would be wrong in saying that. because the fact is, i have been out of the hole awhile, and was walking away from it. today i find myself walking back to the hole, back at the edge of it looking down into it. thinking, maybe the dark wasn't so bad. out here i need sunglasses, the grass needs to be cut, and there are people out here that want to interact on a real level.

More Quotes

More quotes . . . it's a library book due in less than a week so I have to get it all in by then.

"I have harbored hate of the Lord in my heart. Every man or woman who loves Him, they hate Him too, because He's a hard God, a jealous God, He Is, what He Is, and in this world He's apt to repay service with pain while those who do evil ride over the roads in Cadillac cars. Even the joy of serving Him is a bitter joy. I do His will, but the human part o me has cursed Him in my heart." - Abby, The Stand by Stephen King.

Ostrich

The problem is, I can't stick my head in the sand on this one. I have to make a stand, and for me standing is the hardest part.

No one can

"No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just . . . come out the other side. Or you don't" - The Stand, Stephen King

I'm Boring

I'm bored. I guess I'm not really bored, I am just stuck. I feel like going to bed and it is only a quarter to 7.

Look

Have you ever forgotten what you look like? I am being serious. I do all the time. You may think that it is impossible to forget what you look like, but I do all the time. It isn't like I am surprised when I look in the mirror, but there are times when I just get puzzled. Let me give you an example. Yesterday I was talking to someone at work and I caught a look at myself in the glass of a picture behind him. I knew it was me, it wasn't like I didn't know who it was - but I had been joking around and I was laughing. I guess I have never seen myself in action. I go to the mirror in the morning, look as little as possible, and get the heck out of Dodge. I don't see myself in a "normal" situation where I am laughing, or crying, or smiling, or frowning, or have my eyes glazed over. I guess it was a little different, and I had forgotten I looked like that when I laughed.

Maybe there is something deeper there, but I am choosing not to go there right now.

i don't get it

i think that i think about it more and more now because i don't get it. i think if i got it i wouldn't wonder about it all the time. if i could just see how it works - really see it and not just glimpses of it - maybe i wouldn't wonder about it so much. wonder at how it actually works, wonder at how it could ever work, wonder if it could work for me. sometimes i think i should just ask, but then i stop - maybe it can't be explained, it just is.

Jimmy Johns

For those of you who know me well, know that I love Jimmy Johns. I feel like I truly came alive the first time I had a Jimmy Johns sandwich. They were everything I wanted in a sandwich place. Cool shirts, fun signs on the wall, good music, nice atmosphere, great bread, good options, fun stuff on their sandwiches, catchy jingles . . . man I had found my restaurant. This love affair has gone on for a long time. I don't know that there were very many weeks that went by that I didn't have one of their sandwiches. It was hard to get one sometimes because all the stores were far from my house. A few months ago they opened one closer, and I knew that I was going to have to go on some 12 step program to keep myself from going there everyday. I realized last night that I hadn't been to Jimmy Johns in about a month. This greatly disturbed me, so I set out to fix that situation. I visited the one on Olive . . . MISTAKE #1. They weren't too busy, but busy enough for a line. When it was my turn they informed me that they didn't have any of their French bread left (the best kind) and if I wanted a sandwich I needed to have it on wheat bread. I really wanted my Jimmy Johns fix so I reluctantly agreed . . . MISTAKE #2. They had a few sandwiches to make before mine so I sat down and read a paper . . . MISTAKE #3. After the last person before me got their sandwich the guys behind the counter started dispersing. I went and stood at the counter. THEY FORGOT TO MAKE MY SANDWICH! You know the one I wanted even though it was on the wrong bread. So they finally made it after I stood there and stared at them, burning holes into their skulls with all the anger I could muster without looking angry (its this thing I do, don't ask). I started to eat my sandwich . . . it had no cheese on it. The one ingredient I asked for extra on the sandwich. I decided not to press my luck and eat on. Well I should have gone back to get cheese, because I just couldn't get it all down. The place was a mess, they didn't have my bread, and they didn't care. At Jimmy Johns you are SUPPOSE TO CARE! So, my love affair might be over. I should have left when I knew they didn't have my bread, but after driving all that way for a sandwich, how could I turn my back on it?

Indians

Oh my goodness, the Indians won a game today. Not just by a few points but 11-0. What a new thing to have happen! Exciting! Still no email . . . anger is slowly bubbling to the surface.

Email!

I can't check my email. It is about to drive me crazy. Maybe this is God's way of keeping me from checking it every hour.

Welp

WOW! where do i begin? where do i end? do i even get into this at all? so a few posts ago i talked about THIS, yes that's right i did a stupid, stupid, stupid thing. i didn't talk about it because i was embarrassed. THE NEXT DAY i was sure that i was right - it was stupid. i still didn't talk about it. but i think today is the day, i'm going to talk about it. not because i want to, but because i NEED to. not many people read this, so this is where it is going - so if you read it then know you are part of a small group of people that know something that i'm not spreading around.

LOVE SUCKS! or something sucks, whatever it was, it wasn't love - but that is the best name for me to give it right now. so i sent an email to an old boyfriend - that's the stupidity. i'm not really sure why . . . i do - curiosity, loneliness, life, memories, forgetfulness. i hadn't thought about him in a long time, i'm talking about a year. what makes this interesting is i thought about the person before him more than him (part of our problem while we were dating - i brought that person along every time we spent time together). so the fact that he popped into my head was new. i wrote about it - started with a DREAM, i'm not going to get into all that again, i have already been through it with you. well the curiosity of where he was and what he was doing was eating me alive . . . so i made a decision, i emailed him. i felt pretty good about it, until .5 seconds after i hit send. my only hope was that he didn't have that email any more, or that it went straight to his junk mail. after a week i thought that was true, it either got lost in the shuffle, or he didn't want to talk to me. either way i was off the hook, i had an answer (of sorts). well today it happened. i opened my email box and there it sat - a reply - almost 2 weeks later. i would say i was surprised, but it is typical. i don't mean that bad, but he didn't check his email often. loved computers, but he didn't use email much. welp . . . still running his own business, doing well with it, and married. by the way, married to the girl he started dating after we broke up - yeah, that girl.

i don't know what i wanted out of my email correspondence. i didn't want to get back together with him . . . or did i? am i just in a spot right now where i would settle because i am bored or lonely, or whatever it is that i am? i didn't want to hear that he was miserable. i wasn't writing to tell him some of what was going on with me so that i could hear that his business went under, or that after we broke up he was a shell of a human being and was nothing without me. i didn't write to hear any of that. i figured he was married, i guess i just didn't want to hear it.

i have spent most of my life fighting the idea of marriage. not the idea for others, but having that for me. i thought life would just be easier alone. i could just be me. if i didn't feel like talking - then i didn't have to. i didn't have to compromise. if i felt like going out, i could go. if i felt like taking a trip, i would and i wouldn't have someone telling me they wanted to go to austin, when i wanted to go to denver (because i don't know anyone who would volunteer to visit austin). problem - working with married people. correction - working with happily married people (or at least that is how they look on the outside, and i believe them). and kids . . . man some of them just capture you - i did not expect that. some guy once said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. " who can argue with that guy - he is God? so is he saying the same for me? it isn't good for me to be alone. can i live forever without compromise in my life. can i live forever for just me - all about me? in the end i don't think that would be good for anyone. i would just grow more and more self involved.

so what is the next step? i have no idea.

Games

Next time you go, take a board game. It is more fun - "and you can take that to the bank."

Expectations

I have a new writing assignment. I live in two worlds when it comes to this assignment - the real world and the made up world I have in my head. NO, it isn't for a grade, or for a publication or, for any reason other than fun - but I am scared to death!

Reality: A fun thing to do with a friend of mine. Writing a horror movie about an evil pool vacuum cleaner. No expectations from the other person writing. They just want to write, and want me to write with them. No pressure, no opposition, no problem.

Whacked out Katie world: Am I good enough? Will my parts of it be good, or will I let her down? I don't think I can breathe.

CRAZY, right? Honestly, I think it will be fun, but my first thought was not "oh, this will be fun," but rather - "how can I get her to write the whole thing?" My biggest problem is the fear of letting someone down, and in this case the only way I can let her down is by not participating. Somewhere along the line when I was growing up I lost sight of the fun factor. I don't remember my parents critiquing my work, but I came away from my childhood with the idea that I can't do anything that I don't know ahead of time will be a success. She comes from a world where she is encouraged in everything, pushed to think outside the box and learn from the mistake, not raked over the coals for it. In this I need to think that way, not my way. Problem is - how do I unlearn 27 years of worry and focus on the experience?

Further Reflection

Upon further reflection I can only say one thing:

"I have made a huge mistake!"

Today I can say, I would take it back - in a heartbeat. Why didn't I listen to the still, quiet voice in my head telling me to walk away from it. To leave the past in the past. To leave people alone. Instead I listened to the loud, obnoxious voice in my head telling me that it would be great. I hate that obnoxious one, it gets me in trouble every time.

Stupidity

I just did something really stupid. I can't take it back, and if I could - I don't know if I would have changed what I did. Curiosity got the best of me, and I couldn't leave it alone. The only way I knew to stop the wondering was to just ask. Now, all I do is wait. Wait and see if I get an answer.

Cryptic, but I don't care. Maybe I will talk about it once I get the answer. Maybe this is just, yet another way, I can create drama.

Ummm . . .

I haven't written in a few days. It feels weird. I went from nothing in a month, to writing about every day, back to not writing.

Weekend: Parade, art, fireworks, swimming, presents, rain, more fireworks

Today: I don't trust, I don't get excited, I don't desire, I don't live. I don't live because I don't do those other things. I'm too busy covering all the bases so I don't feel disappointed in anything or anyone, that I loose sight of what is important - LIVING. If you are happy the people around you are happy right? I was also told I need to find another pond to fish in (or to swim in). Great wisdom in that statement, I just don't know where to find another pond - I think I am too comfortable with this one . . . probably part of my problem.

RANDOM, but don't you love it?

Laughter

I haven't laughed that much in a long time (or hurt so bad the next morning).

Wednesday Night Score

Indians 4

Cardinals 5

I was right, the Cardinals would not go down 3 in a row to the Indians. I was there, it was sad. BUT it was super fun (even in the last inning when the whole crowd was on it's feet banging white seat cushions together to make noise). The best part, was watching every seat cushion in the stadium get thrown onto the field.

Can I get a whoop, whoop?

Tuesday Night Score

Indians 3

Cardinals 1

Happy, but nervous for tomorrow. My feeling is that the Cardinals are mad now, and will not let the Indians sweep the series.

Mondays Score

Indians 10

Cardinals 3

That's right - Wednesday isn't looking quite so bleak now.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I married my last boyfriend. It wasn't a dream where I married him around the time we were dating, but I married him now - 5 years after we had broken up (that's right, it has been 5 years - shut up). In my dream we met again at some function and got married a few days later. The strange thing is, I was happy. I was happy in the marriage, in the relationship. My biggest fear in marriage is that I won't be happy. Or I will be happy at the beginning, but after the newness wears off I won't be happy anymore. I do not worry that he will leave me, I worry that I will leave him. There is a quote from Mr. and Mrs. Smith that hits what I feel (and fear) about marriage:
Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

So the fact that I had a dream about being married and I was happy makes me . . . well, happy. The fact that I married him and I was happy makes me a little sad. By the end of our relationship I was so unhappy. We were doomed from the start. We started dating 2 weeks before he moved 5 hours away. Within 6 months we were through, because we couldn't hold a new relationship together that far apart. I wonder what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances. First we wouldn't have had the whole distance thing. Second maybe I would have been a little better equipped for a relationship. I had too much baggage that I brought to the relationship, too much that I couldn't do anything but hold the bags - there was no room to hold him. Since our break up I have worked hard to get rid of those bags. Many of them are gone now. Some are lighter. Still, some others are there, but slowly getting unpacked. But in the end I never gave him (or us) the chance to succeed. It wasn't a question in my head of if I would leave the relationship, but when.

That is the cycle I need to break. Going into everything thinking "when I mess up I'll ____." Instead I need to just go with it. Let what happens, happen. At that time in my life, we would have eventually ended anyway . . . but now, I am different. Now I'm super cute, and I know it. Now I have a backbone and know how to use it. Now I am carrying less bags. So you. Yes you, you know who you are. Take a chance.

Happiness

Not directed at me, but I might has well have been - it was like he flipped a switch.

"[You] need to quit trying to make everyone happy. Don't [you] know that the people around [you] are happy when they see that [you] are happy?" - NAD

Expectations

I have been getting emails over the last day or so from people I graduated from college with. In the landscape architecture program we were a small bunch of 15 so we got to know each other quite well. It was no secret when I left that I was not happy with landscape, but I was willing to give it a try (for a little while at least). Up until about 8 months ago I had my ups and downs with my company - mostly downs. But in the last 8 months I have had a hard time remembering a really down time. Sure I have had my days where things didn't work out, but in the end it didn't really matter. "What are they going to do, take my birthday away?" But these emails have put me in a funk. If you measure success by the worlds standards - they have me beat. High paying jobs, promotions out the ear, and new homes. I don't have that. But if you measure success by a different stick, maybe I am ahead. I am happy where I am. Are they? Over the past month, or so, I have been obsessed with houses. I think it is part of the idea of success. I want so badly to be in a house that I own, to me that says that you have "made it." I don't know why, maybe it has to do with my family. Growing up we rented. We couldn't afford not to (Like all good parents, my mom never let me know how much we couldn't afford not to own a house, or have a lot of things she sacrificed to give me). I don't look at my mom and say she wasn't successful, so why do I say I'm not until I have a house? Why is it so hard not to look at the measuring stick of the world and get caught up in it?

BTW - Indians are terrible right now. They are NOT a success. It is going to be really hard to go watch them play the Cardinals next week. Because I know, going in, it is going to be a long shot. AND I will be sitting in Busch Stadium surrounded by Cardinal fans not Jacobs Field surrounded by fellow tribesmen. An Indian loss is always handled better on the home territory. BUT I am super excited to go!

grow up

some day i am going to grow up . . . i just wonder when that will be.

yesterday, and today

yesterday i went to wal-mart. i hate wal-mart. i hate wal-mart because i am from a small town and i watched as wal-mart came in and put a lot of businesses out of business. i watched as they built a bigger and "better" store, and put the rest out. i watched as they let their store go to crap because they didn't have any competition anymore. i moved away to a bigger town and their are other options - but i still find myself walking the aisles at least twice a year. i hate those times. it makes me feel dirty. i have a hard time going to sam's, but they have really cheap gas, and i am a freak about gas. you might say i am bitter, maybe i am.

today i drank a coke for the first time in 2 months. it was a huge mistake, because now i feel like i am on meth. you might ask how i know what it feels like to be on meth. well i will tell you - i had a dream about being on meth, and this is what i felt like in the dream. no, i don't really know what it feels like to be on meth.

i have come to the realization over the last few weeks that i am super cute. i don't mean just in how i look, but how i am. how do men resist me. it might be one of life's great mysteries. today i didn't feel super cute, but i know i am, and that makes all the difference. i'm not conceded, if you really knew me, you wouldn't think i was. or maybe i am, i just play it off like i'm not. i'm an enigma even to myself.

Brain Cloud

Just a few days shy of going a whole month without writing. Show of hands of people who actually noticed I hadn't written anything in about 3 and a half weeks . . . that's what I thought. You with your hand raised there on the back row - you weren't even listening, you just raised your hand because you were being polite.

So, I have something brewing up in my head - but don't really know what to say. I don't want it to be the same old ramble/drama it usually is (but who am I kidding, isn't this the place to have drama?). So as soon as this brain cloud passes in a day or so I will be ready to ramble and dramatize. If you get the brain cloud reference we should marry, because that one connection is enough to start a life long union. Serious, that means we have many similar interests and the same sense of humor.

Out.

Tonight

Indians finally won a game tonight. Broke their 6 game losing streak. I was worried after the 1st inning that it would soon be a 7 game streak, 3 to 0, but they were triumphant.

I don't know why I feel like I have to make a choice tonight, or tomorrow, or even this week about my social life - but it just really struck me today. While I was debating these choices this song came on. It isn't complicated . . . in fact it is quite repetitive. But in the end I think I needed that repetition to drive home a few ideas.
1. If I fail, I can make a correction
2. It is hard to know what I'm suppose to do . . . it is hard for everyone
3. And I don't have to make my decision tonight - tomorrow is a brand new day

Tonight - Sixpence None The Richer

Tonight it's time
Choose a direction
If you fail
You can make a correction
Somewhere now
Make life faster
Make your mind
Up for once this time

It's hard
To know
Where I'm
Supposed to go

It's hard
So hard to know
To know
Where I'm supposed to go
Tonight
Tonight

Tonight it's time
Choose a direction
If you fail
You can make a correction
Slower now
Make life faster
Make your mind
Up for once this time

It's hard
To know
Where I'm
Supposed to go
It's hard
So hard to know
To know
Where I'm supposed to go
Tonight
Tonight

Tonight I'm going let it go
And try to let it be
Because I know you see
That it's hard
To know
Where I supposed to go
But there is
A way
And tomorrow is a brand new day
Yes it's hard
So hard to know
Where I'm supposed to be
But there is a way
And tomorrow is a brand new day
Tonight
Tonight

Bliss

Nothing says "I Love You," quite like a KitchenAid Silicone Grabber, Color: White. Well actually two of them. Hey, it was on their list. So my cousin is getting married, and . . . well . . . that is what they are getting from me to kick off their life together. All I have to say is, I don't really get family. I thought we had a common respect for each other, maybe I don't.

I have felt very mean lately. Not just about my cousin, but about everyone. I have been very angry and hard toward people lately. I don't know if they have just been walking the line on my patience and now all the sudden they have crossed it, or if it is me. I think it has to be me, considering there are about 19 people that are over the line on my tolerance level. And if you are asking if it is you - it isn't, because the people it is wouldn't bother to ask (or read here). SEE, there I go again.

I am going but I leave you with this final thought. If you are thinking about getting the movie Derailed - don't. If you want to know what it is about I will tell you and spare you all the retina burning scenes. Overall I think the story was good, good twists, good characters - the bad guy really made it easy to hate him, but the way it was filmed was very graphic in all areas.

Day 14

Luke 13:11-13
And a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for 18 years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

What would it be like to be bent over for 18 years? What would it be like to suddenly be able to stand? I, personally, have never been inflicted where I was bent over at the waist, unable to straighten up - betting you haven't either. But, I am betting each of us has been bent over a time or two in our spirit. Think about it a minute. Maybe it is just me.

Every time my dog comes to me she has her head down. Every time, without fail. I have never hit her, or kicked her. I have never punished her for coming to me. But every time she comes her head is down. Like Oliver when he wanted more - he just knew something terrible was going to happen. She just knows that one time she is going to come and instead of patting, I will hit. I never gave her cause to think that, some other jerk put that thought in her mind by doing exactly that, and in her mind she can't separated the two. I think that is how I approach God. Head down, knowing the worst could come. He has never done anything of the sort, but someone else has - and in my mind I can't separate the two. I would call that a bent over spirit.

God help me to separate your truth from the lies I believe every day. The lie that I'm not good enough, or that I am un-lovable, or that I should not desire good things for my life. Put your hand on me and help me to straighten up and look you in the eye, rather than staring at your feet.

Day 13

Psalm 46:1-11

V10: Be still and know that I am God . . .

Be still: Just sit, stop the chaos in your mind. Pay attention to what is going on inside you and through you, not just around you. Just stop for one minute and listen.

and know: Stop listening to everything Warring within yourself and truly listen to the truth that is burred beneath all the noise and lies you pay attention to.

that I am God: Bigger than the chaos, and love you WITH the baggage you bring. But I love you too much to let you keep carrying it.

Day 12

Been slacking, but that is OK (or at least I am learning that it is).

Day 12 - Exodus 3:1-6
I have always known that I am a worrier. I worry about what other people are thinking, what they mean when they say certain things, if I could have done that better, or if I could have done this differently. But I realized today that I am hyper. I don't mean hyper in that I can't sit still or that I have a lot of energy, but that I take every feeling and every thought to the extreme. In other words I run my life in overdrive. You are all saying, "Kate, this isn't news." I know it isn't, but I think today I really realized how far I have let it go. You might be asking what this has to do with Exodus 3:1-6 . . . NOTHING. It just came into my head while I was reading it (maybe it will loop). I question everything. Everything people say to me, every reaction I have. Was it the appropriate reaction? Was it a good reaction? Did I freak them out? Should I stay quiet? Should I talk? Should I say the first thing that pops into my head? Or would I just stick my foot in my mouth? Should I, do I, could I . . . the list is endless. It makes me tired.

In the end this entry was really a rambling. This whole hyper thing isn't clear in my head, and I thought writing it out would make it clearer - it didn't work. I guess what I am saying is be patient with me (I know you all already are). I am making mistakes, and will keep making mistakes, and will keep raking myself over coals for those mistakes, and some day I will stop. I am trying to stop. Maybe one day I will surprise you when I don't beat myself up. I am ready for that day (or even that hour).

Sugar Daddy

I have always wanted a Sugar Daddy - and now I have one!

slump

my gosh, the indians are really bad right now. i don't know if i can handle it.

Rain Of Rocks

I know that in all good writing you need to make the reader feel like they are there. Give them sights and sounds and smells. I want to put you there with me as I tell this story - but I worry that putting you there with all the sights and smells and sounds might take a lot of words that would just muddle it up. So forgive me if I can't "put you there" and only just give you a glimpse.

We are all familiar with the sound of a bat hitting a ball. The crisp sound that is made when there is good contact. As an Indians fan, I am not as familiar with that sound as . . . say a Cardinals fan. But have you ever heard the sound of a bat hitting a rock. The sweet sound of the contact with a rock is far better than the sound of the ball. Maybe it is because when you are hitting a ball it is about hitting it out of the ball park, it is all about the ball. But with a rock it is about getting something out of yourself, it isn't about the rock at all. Talk to other rock hitters and they will tell you the same thing. It is about emotion rather than distance. It is about the sound of the rock, rather than the roar of the crowd. It is about the damage you cause that brings about some sense of healing. Ok, maybe it is about all of those things for just me and not other rock hitters, but just go with me on this. Today happened to be a rock hitting day. Don't ask me what constitutes a rock hitting day - maybe it was the week of tornadoes, maybe it was just that day based on the tilt of the earth on it's axis and how close it came to Pluto last week, who knows, it just was . . . "So be it." I watch as another rock hitter takes his turn. I listen to the crack of the bat and the rock, that moment when they make their destructive, yet healing union. I listen for the sound the rock makes as it flies through the air (I have heard some incredible noises in those flights), the impact on a tree or down into the creek. The temperature is perfect, the air has a slight breeze with the smell of wisteria. We are not bothered here when we hit rocks, people never hassle us. They usually laugh and start watching. Another crack, a good flight and a leafy finish by my fellow batter and it is my turn (I know it is my turn, because you have to end on a good note, and I can think of no better note to end on than that one). I hit a few, I miss a few, but it doesn't matter. I set myself up for another . . . good rock choice . . . nice stance. I toss it up and CRACK! The rest seemed to happen in slow motion. I made sweet contact, but instead of making a noise as it flew through the air it shattered into pieces, what came next was the most awesome 2 seconds. The main rock piece hit a tree splitting it again. Then the noise of rocks as they rained down from the sky. The pieces I made fell hitting leaves, branches, and the ground in the most beautiful symphony I have heard in a long time. I stood there for almost a minute just mesmerized by it - a smile bigger than any smile I have had on my face in a month came out. That is the way to end a rock hitting day.

I never said it would be a good story, but it does say something. I don't smile much anymore, but rock hitting makes me smile, that is why I keep doing it. Having chunks come out of my bat makes me happy. Knowing that in about a month I will have to buy a new bat because this one will no longer be usable makes me ecstatic. With each rock hit, each chunk taken out of the bat, I lose a bit of the hardness on my heart, the wall I have built around me, and the facade I have made to show others. You may think hitting rocks is juvenile, but for me it is more than that.

Handi-Snacks

Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that the Handi-Snacks are excited to be eaten. I mean the cracker is even spreading cheese on itself. Kraft - don't put faces on my food. A cow had a face, so did the chicken - but I have come to terms with that. But giving them a smiling cartoon face that says, "eat me," is kind of sketchy. Give them a icon of some sort, the Tiger works for Frosted Flakes, the Captain works, the leprechaun works - why not do that for these guys. I am also picking up a racial vibe here - anyone, anyone.

Maybe it is just me, but when I saw a cracker spreading cheese on itself in the store it made me want to run the other way, not buy the product.

Tornados

I have been having a lot of dreams with tornados in them. I am from Oklahoma where we don't run short of those . . . none of these dreams occur in Oklahoma. They occur in St. Louis or Arizona (there have been at least 2 there). In these dreams I am not just in them, but I am at a vantage point to watch them develop, watch as the clouds come together and form the funnel in the sky and touch down. There is usually more than one and I am either somewhere safe, or wake up by the time it would have hit where I am. When I had one, I thought it was just something interesting. When I had a second, I was still awed by it. By my 5th or 6th one I am totally freaked about it. I am not scared of tornados. I know that if one is coming get to safety. I know that is not a guarantee that I will be ok, but I know it is the best thing I have. But the reality is tornados are chaos. The vary nature of them is chaotic. When I dig deeper I know that I feel like my life is chaos - remember the chair in the coffee shop: The truth is - living in total chaos is fun - it's thinking about it that stinks! So when I am asked to think about it (say in a couch situation) I don't really know what to say. It is ingrained in me, it is who I am, it is what it is, and I don't know how to stop it. But why is it there? I woke up with the answer today (it also answers the age old questions of why I am angry and feel guilt all the time).

When I was little my parents divorced. I know that I couldn't really understand it or process it. One decision changed the course of my life forever, changed the way it would be lived, and changed the way I would look at life - forever. I realized this week that I was (and still am) mad at my dad. Neither of these I really knew, they just escaped my attention because I was too busy being mad at myself (guilt) for some reason or another. I can't really explain why I am mad at him - probably because I feel like he didn't try to keep us all together. Who knows why I was mad as a little girl - probably because I didn't understand why he wasn't there, really anyone's best guess. When you have anger that you can't explain, at people you love with all your heart - I think you start to feel guilt. Because you are so mad that you could spit but you don't know why. Their in lies confusion and guilt, and then comes being mad at yourself for being mad at someone you don't have a reason for. And after a few years years of that you get chaos. You forget who you were mad with in the first place, but the other feelings remain because you didn't resolve any of them. I was told once that I feel comfortable in the guilt. They were right. It is what I know. I make my life chaos, because it is what I know. If there isn't some sort of conflict in my life I think I would be lost.

I think I could keep talking, but I am sure you all get the picture.

Day 7

Exodus 4:1-5
Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, `The LORD did not appear to you'?" Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?"
"A staff," he replied.
The LORD said, "Throw it on the ground."
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it.
Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand.
"This," said the LORD, "is so that they may believe that the LORD, the God of their fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has appeared to you."

God put forth a plan for Moses' life, a plan that Moses didn't have for his own life. Moses questioned God and God's plan for his life just like I do. Just like me - he thought God must have been crazy. How could God use me, a person who has messed up over an over. A person who has spit in his face a number of times by my actions of sin, mistrust, control, and unbelief.

"Perhaps God was giving Moses a vivid picture of how the things we fear - the memories and doubts that poison our future, that lie between us and where God wants us to go - need to be confronted head-on. Perhaps God was helping Moses understand the deep guilt, forgotten hopes, and lost dreams of the past can be either a snake on the ground intimidating you or, through his power and grace, a rod in the hand." - Robbins, Enjoy The Silence

"God is nearer to us than we are to ourselves." - Paul Tillich

Day 6

John 13:1-5, 23
Not really sure exactly how the verses fit in with the whole idea, so if you want to read them go find that Bible you put somewhere a year ago and read it.

What would it be like to have God hold you. To have him actually take you in his arms. What would you feel?
I don't know if I can answer this question really. A question that I kind of made up - well I took a bunch of other questions in the book to make this one simpler one. I am not a fan of people putting in conversations they had on IM, but here is how I feel about God, taken from a conversation I had about a week ago (slightly condensed). It started off with me talking about dating relationships and evolved into some stuff about God:

ME: but in the end i know that right now if anyone showed any interest i would freak out and run the other direction
NAD: well it's good you know yourself, but do you know why?
Me: yes
NAD: now it's just your deal whether to change that reason or not
Me: because that would mean that someone thinks that i am special, or worth it, and right now i don't feel either. and it would freak me out that someone would think that.
NAD: sometimes you just have to accept God's wisdom or choices or ways, don't you get that by now?
Me: obviously not
NAD: well it's best not to go kickin Him in the face when He sends you gifts, better learn to say thank you
Me: i'm a kicker, hitter, and spitter when it comes to God
NAD: well you know where you stand there
Me: oh yeah, and sand thrower into the eyes
NAD: well, the sand throwing goes without saying
Me: that one is my favorite one
NAD: funny is he still likes ya. so how come you don't just say thank you?
Me: I don't think i deserve it, constantly running.
NAD: so back to this, if you know He gave you all these gifts, and some people recognize them and think you're funny or brilliant or babeish or smart, why don't you say thank you instead of running? you think He likes the sand?

It isn't that I don't love God, don't get me wrong on that point. The point is that I don't know how to love him, because in the end I don't trust that he really loves me. So I fight. If God took me in a hug I would freak. I would question it all. Every hug I have by a non family member I wonder is it over, did I hug too long, not long enough, was it suppose to be a side hug, was it not suppose to be a side hug, is this awkward for them . . . on and on with the questions. I think it would be the same for me and God, only I wouldn't have those questions I would have others. Does he really know what he is doing, doesn't he know where I have been, doesn't he remember that I just kicked him in the shin before he hugged me. The thing is, I kicked him in the shin and it made him want to hug me even more. If I let him hug me I know I would push at first, wonder when it would be over. But in the end I would have my ear to his chest (because I am guessing he is a tall guy and I wouldn't be tall enough to have my head on his shoulder) and I could hear his heart and I would hear that no matter how many times I kicked him, how many times I threw sand in his face or pushed him away - he still loved me. Loves me so much that it huts him to see me hurt, it hurts him so much that he made the ultimate sacrifice. I still don't get why, but maybe I can start believing that it is true, and maybe trust . . . just a little.

"Baby steps through the office. Baby steps down the hall. Baby steps onto the elevator." - Bob

Soap

What is with Oklahoma? NO FOAMING SOAP . . . anywhere I went. Here, it is everywhere - I should have taken mine, I knew better than to trust them.

Day 5 - that's right.

Psalm 23:1-6
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. ~ Supply
He makes me lie down in green pastures, ~ Rest
he leads me beside quiet waters, ~ Refreshment
he restores my soul. ~ Healing
He guides me in paths of righteousness ~ Guidance
for his name's sake. ~ Purpose
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, ~ Challenge
I will fear no evil, ~ Assurance
for you are with me; ~ Faithfulness
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ~ Comfort
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. ~ Abundance
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, ~ Blessing
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Security

None of these words are mine.

Need

I'm in desperate need of a hug . . . and in about 30 hours I will get one. Let the count down begin.

Day 3

Isaiah 6:1-8
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

When face to face with God the first thing out of Isaiah's mouth is "woe to me." By the end of this encounter he is saying "send me." The transformation from woe to me to send me was painful for Isaiah. The angel used a hot coal and touched it to his mouth. I don't know about you, but my idea of a good time is not putting a coal to my mouth. Usually a good time for me includes doing anything I can to stay away from hot things, even spicy foods. It is painful to change, it is painful when God changes you. To go from what is comfortable - no matter how harmful - to the unknown. I think that is what I struggle with the most. Not change, but the unknown . . . even when the place where I am comfortable is damaging to me. I built me a few walls, put down some carpet, got a Lazy Boy, and started hanging out inside that room. I don't let people in, and I rarely come out. It is comfortable, but not healthy. Over the last few months I have been going out more, letting a few people inside (even if it is only for a few minutes), and trying to make my best effort to make that change. I don't really know what my life will look like on the other side - but I do know that trip is painful. The pain comes from the past, from the moving of muscles I have never really used (like my heart), from the worry of the unknown, and from the burning away of things that held me back.

Day 2

Jeremiah 31:16-25
This is what the LORD says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded," declares the LORD. "They will return from the land of the enemy.
So there is hope for your future," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land.
"I have surely heard Ephraim's moaning: `You disciplined me like an unruly calf, and I have been disciplined. Restore me, and I will return, because you are the LORD my God.
After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.'
Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD.
"Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns.
How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The LORD will create a new thing on earth-- a woman will surround a man."
This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "When I bring them back from captivity, the people in the land of Judah and in its towns will once again use these words: `The LORD bless you, O righteous dwelling, O sacred mountain.' People will live together in Judah and all its towns--farmers and those who move about with their flocks. I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

There is so much here, I am not sure how the page can contain it. Well so much here for me anyway.

• V17 - "So there is hope for your future", declares the Lord. ~ Many times I feel like there is no hope for my future. I look forward and I see good things, but I also see many road blocks, or see destruction. Why don't I believe God when he tells me there is hope for my future - shouldn't he already know the truth about my future, and if there is hope there he would tell me, if there wasn't he wouldn't tell me so. I know this verse wasn't written specifically "for me," but in a way it was. So if there was no hope, wouldn't he say "you are all sinners, there is no hope, thank you."
• V19 - After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I bean my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth. ~ That IS me. That is exactly my life. I strayed, I repented, and then when I truly understood the ramifications I felt like crap.
• V20 - Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him," declares the LORD." ~ God has compassion for me, no matter what I have done. His thoughts are still for me.
• V21 - Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns. ~ How is God leading me back? Am I willing to follow the road signs. When I ask God what is next, or if this is right or wrong I ask for big signs, neon lights, because I don't catch the subtlety of things. I ask for signs and I get them, why don't I follow the road? It seems too hard.
• V22 - How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? ~ I don't know.

Tonight before reading this I told someone I just felt lost. I felt lost in life. Like I was missing some key to the map of my life. I was talking about relationships, things I feel like I missed out on by not watching my parents relate to one another. Who am I going to talk to if I get married about married life things? (getting off subject, I know, but bringing it around I promise) But what I am really saying is I don't have an example, or a trial and error about how to make it work to model for me. It makes me feel lost. Like I don't even know how marriage or relationships all work. But the reality is, it extends to the rest of my life in many ways. After my parents divorced everything changed, and I didn't have anyone to help point me in the right direction. My dad was gone from my life 50 weeks of the year, and my mom was in no shape to help me deal - she was trying to deal with this change in her own way. So all those years when I am suppose to learn how to deal with anger, deal with sadness, deal with happiness, just deal - I didn't know how . . . and in some ways I still don't. So when I see a passage written about being on the right road, about reading the road signs - it is all a little overwhelming. Wandering aimlessly is all I know. Pushing my self in school, pushing myself now with work, is all about dealing with things that are controllable, making me feel a little less like I am wandering. So when days like today happen, when things get out of control - when the day starts off with a conflict, when it continues in with more mistakes, and ends with complications it makes me see I have no control, it was all fake control and in the end I am lost. The question was put:

Q: Walk along that highway - the road that beckons you. Where is that road leading? Is God there with you or are you alone?
A: I know in my mind that God is there with me, but I still feel alone, and I have no idea where I am going.

Enjoy The Silence

I just started a new book with a group I am in. It is called Enjoy The Silence. The title struck me right away - I love silence. I can go for days without listening to the radio, or talking to a soul. But after those days I am crazy, because I didn't fill it with anything valuable. I filled it with filth in my mind. Over analyzing and over thinking, past, present, and the future. So loving the silence really only lasts a short time, and the rest of the time I feel trapped by it. After reading the first chapters I felt a pull to be alone, to be silent for real. It ended poorly (see last nights blog).

But, today is a new day. Enjoy The Silence is all about meeting with God everyday and just exploring Him deeper. Much like I would meet with an old friend, getting to know them - what they like, what they don't. What they think about, what is important to them. So, if I may - I think that is what will be here. A reflection of what I read and what I see. It won't always be about that, but it will be a spring board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 1
Luke 8:4-15
While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable:
"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown."
When he said this, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
His disciples asked him what this parable meant. He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, "though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'
"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

What stuck out to me the most were the words trampled, withered, and choked. They describe what I feel daily. I feel choked by the things of this world, the in and out of daily life, the thorny past I have, the worry and stress of my daily life. My life is the soil of distraction, slowly choking me every day.
Some time I feel like I am choking my own heart. Wrapping bands around it to keep it from growing. Putting obstacles in my own way keeping me from fully loving, trusting, following, or even believing in God. By hardening my heart, by banding it to keep it from growing I protect it. Protect me from getting hurt - but that keeps me from accepting God, keeps me from accepting his gift, keeps me from being free.
God help me to loosen the bands on my heart. Tear down the walls I have built to keep you and everyone else out. Make my heart open and soft to you and what you have to show me.
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Missed

I really missed you this week. That happens every once and awhile. I wish I could stop it, but every time I think you are gone - somehow you come back. Each time is a little less painful, but each time makes me a little more angry with myself. You were a mistake, a speed bump in my life that should never have happened. Sometimes I try and find you. I quit trying, because it is impossible to find you - and if I did what good would that do? I can't come back to you, I can't go back there. You would laugh in my face if I even tried. You should be smarter than that by now too - smart enough to know that I wouldn't last. Smart enough to know the crap I pulled then would be the same crap I would pull now. The only constant thing in our relationship was the fact that I would be inconsistent. I am too filled with guilt about how I should act that it would never work. The shear fact that I know you and I can never be makes me furious to even remember you. Shit, you were my best friend first and because of what came second I lost that part of you forever, and I can never get it back. I go over that moment a hundred ways. If it hadn't happened then, would it have ever happened? If it had never happened would I be where I am now? Sometimes I think I have grown so much since then, because of us, in spite of us. Sometimes I feel like I am that same person. That same lost person that needed you, and wanted you despite what everyone said. I loved you, something I can't say for many. I wonder if I could honestly say that about any one that came after you. As for them, I think I was using them to prove that I could love someone else - that you weren't my crutch, that you weren't all that I made you out to be in my mind. I know in a few days you will be gone again. I will be fine for quite awhile. I will have my head screwed on straight and know that you and I were not meant for each other for a lot of reasons, and what I make the past out to be in my head is doctored. It glosses over all the bad in you all the bad in me, all the conflict we had, and the fact that we were terrible for one another. But all I see this week is what I chose to remember. The good times. The way you looked at me when I would come in from a terrible day, the way you would laugh at all my jokes - even the ones I know were stupid, the way you knew when I wanted to talk and when I just wanted to sit there with you, the way you always made me feel special, important, funny, smart, and loved. Maybe tomorrow I will remember the way you looked at me when I would hurt you by the things I would say, I will remember the way I stomped on your heart and then wanted you to give it back, I will remember the way you looked at me as I walked away from you the last time. That will remind me why we didn't work, and why this remembering is the dumbest thing I can do in my life. This remembering holds me back from going forward, keeps me from forgiving myself, and keeps me from enjoying a freedom from you.